Ciara used to be in a messy situation with Future. They dated, they were engaged, she had a baby, they broke up, and honestly, it’s still messy – they’re STILL fighting about their son and they’re still dealing with the aftermath of all of their relationship drama. But Ciara moved on to Russell Wilson, who seems to treat her like a queen. They waited for their wedding night to have sex, and now Ciara seems super-churchy. Which is fine, for her. That’s her growth as a person, and she’s now a wife and mother and that’s her business. The problem is that she sometimes comes across as preachy and judgy. Preachy about women shouldn’t “give away” their bodies to men, which is a horrible way to have sex-positive education for women, or to address consent culture. She also judges women who aren’t married, because wow, Ciara just needs to STOP. She posted this Instagram over the weekend:
The #LevelUp offends me, like Ciara is going to preach to all the single ladies about what they’re doing wrong, like Ciara didn’t spend years as a messy single woman who chose to have a baby out of wedlock with one of the biggest players in the music industry. Like, girl go back to your glass house before you throw those #LevelUp stones. The actual message of the sermon is so offensive too – it’s religious misogynoir, just another way to blame black women for being mistreated by men. Not to mention this important point too: what about the women who don’t give a sh-t about marriage? Do they need to Level Up too? Or can they just live their f–king lives any way they please? Or in Ciara’s world, are all women supposed to aspire to marriage and motherhood and that’s all?
Twitter wasn’t happy with Ciara, and she eventually posted a statement about the mess she caused. She wrote:
“I was one that girl wanting to be loved a certain way but was making the wrong choices. I found myself at my lowest moment. I was a single mom sitting at home, and then I realized that the perfect love I was looking for was how God loves me, how He wants me to be loved, and who He was calling me to be as a mom and a woman. That’s when I realized married of not married… I needed to love myself. #LevelUp”
To me, this is a gigantic eyeroll but I’m sure a lot of people are buying her message. It’s important for women to make “the right choices” for sure – if you’re dating a series of douchebags and wondering why you feel like a douche-magnet, of course you should look within yourself and try to figure out why you keep choosing to be with d-bags. But also: blame the douchebags for being douchebags, you know? Instead of spreading a message of “make the best choices for yourself right now and for your future,” Ciara comes across as smug and preachy, like a recent convert who thinks she has all the answers.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
Girl, you had a child with Future.
Lol exactly 😂
I think some people tend to take on the personality of the person they’re in a relationship with. Russell is definitely rubbing off on her and it’s not all good. Ciara you have been used by the men in the industry for sex from 50 cents to producers. I was happy that you finally found someone who treated you with respect and gave you the love you so desperately needed. As much as,I adore you I will not agree with your preachy tone to other single women and mothers.
Perhaps you should be humble and say I once was a single mom, I let men use me for sex to stay relevant in this industry. But I was lucky enough to find someone like Russell who showed me respect, kindness and love. To all women who are searching for this I wish you well. But if you’re content with who you are and where you are in life please know that that is alright as well, no one should judge you.
Your second paragraph is so nuanced and lovely. You have a PR gift.
That would be nice and refreshing, wouldn’t it? Sigh.
Ummmmm….I am so totally flying blind….I knew about her time with 50 [No] Cent, and Bow Wow and of course Future….but your tone makes it sound like it was close to 100 past lovers…all to stay ‘relevant’ in the industry……wow….just wow.
Laughable coming from her.
So because she had a child with Future that means she is never allowed to express an opinion due to poor decisions of her past? If that’s the case than most of us need to stfu and leave it to perfect people to voice an opinion.
No one is saying she shouldn’t have an opinion about anything, just on this particular subject it behooves her to a be a bit more sensitive, tactful and less judgmental. They’re saying that if you yourself had messy-ass relationships then maybe you shouldn’t be preaching to others on the subject.
Basically, don’t be a damn hypocrite.
And I think it’s great if she found a loving relationship with a man that truly respects her, but not every woman has. And not every woman want to hear about it from a rich and beautiful celebrity.
Opinion does not equal judging others.
Time to get straight. She is judging other women based on her own sins.
Jesus would tell her to sit down. Oh wait… he already did.
Scripture.
I can’t stand self rightists. How someone chooses to live their lives is their own business. Of it doesn’t directly effect you, keep your mouth shut.
Her followers on social media do seek her advice on this subject & always want to know how she was able to turn public humiliation into marital bliss. So this is not coming from nowhere, actually.
She may be going about it in a less than stellar way but she relates and speaks to her audience. She’s talking to woc who are tired of dealing with relationships where they consistently chose partners who don’t value them. It’s a problem.
lol uhm self rightists?
I think after the situation with Future, Clara had to reevaluate her life decisions and that’s what she meant with the level up.
I don’t think she’s being preachy, just telling her fans how she got to this point in her life.
Agreed. If she just posted the video without commentary about her own experience I’d side eye. But shes saying how she learned a lot from not valuing herself and wants people to learn from her experience. Nothing wrong with that imo. Dont really agree with “spirit of the girlfriend” mumbo jumbo but if it teaches you to not settle for less then kudos to you.
What I got from what she wrote is that she “leveled up” by learning how to love herself, married or not. Can’t say for sure that’s what she meant, but if it was, it’s a nice message.
The problem is Ciara didn’t start that journey into self worth until she met Russell. He instilled those values in her. If not for him she would probably still be doing some of the same things she was doing before she met him.
Financial freedom makes an incredible difference. Ciara couldn’t have made a ton of $$$ from her recording career – no touring, no publishing. I still think that the engagement with Future was a way to save face and that they weren’t that “together” when she got pregnant. And I also wonder had she not met Russel, if she would still be trying to record and get back out there.
Something had to change within her to even consider dating a man like Russell Wilson. I give her credit for at least knowing she had to change her perspective on dating.
Agreed. I don’t think she’s preachy. If you read her comments before the video her fans were always leaving comments asking what was her exact prayer. Meaning what did you pray for to find a good man like Russell Wilson. It’s silly but I believe that was the motivation for the posts. It wasn’t unsolicited.
I don´t see why people are up in arms because it´s quite obvious that Ciara is speaking from her own experience AND as a black christian woman facing different issues when it comes to dating in America. She is talking about self love & not settling for assholes.
She is one of the most humble and positive celebs out there ,i see no reason to attack her for posting this, she isn´t shaming anyone. Iam not offended, as a single womanI myself often went with the wrong choices because I wasn´t taught how to best value myself.
I appreciate someone who has been there & has done that sharing her experience to empower others who might be struggling with this.
#LevelUp indeed
” like Ciara didn’t spend years as a messy single woman who chose to have a baby out of wedlock with one ”
Maybe this is why she posted the message.
(also, women who have babies out of wedlock aren’t bad people. You are clutching your pearls a bit too tight in this post.)
That video is not talking about self-love. It’s all about what you need to do to find a husband and who you are in relation to that man. I, personally, didn’t take offense to it, but that video was so depressing. All these women lapping up silly words from a preacher in skinny jeans who’s probably plowing through that congregation.
ETA: Wasn’t Russell the one that said they should hold out for marriage?
@Reef
I agree about the video. One of the best lessons I ever learned in church (from a woman) is be happy where you are at. Stop sitting around waiting and wishing to be married, go live your life! I do get tired of the narrative that women are supposed to be preparing themselves to be married. I do think that for Ciara, she wanted to be married. I also think the people who follow her may be similar, so her experiences (even having a baby out of “wedlock”) will resonate with them. I don’t think this was for everybody, but I also think this post went too far in judging her (and her out of “wedlock” baby) too hard.
This is why it rubs me the wrong way. I get that it’s her personal experience and no, I don’t really think she should be dragged for it, but the message is basically: happiness is contingent upon whether you’re married or not. (also, GOD and CHURCH)
On one hand, it’s relatively harmless trope we’ve heard a million times. On the other hand, it plays into a lot of archaic notions about marriage and female sexuality while minimizing the importance of female independence and finding self-worth within. IDK..not the end of the world but not my favorite message for female empowerment.
I can tell you this is huge issue in the black community and a lot of women that I have dealt with regurgitate that stupid message. I’m not married and have no children and I’m fine with that but it seems to bother other women. Like, I will get asked if I’m married or have children and when I say no to both, some act like I have nothing else to offer or my life must be so empty.
My sister is getting remarried this year and I could not be happier for her. What offended me was women asking me “Are you okay?” I’m like “ Why would I not be okay???”
I stopped going to church for many reasons but one was that I felt as if I was being treated like a pariah because I was not married. I too get tired of being blamed for men’s behavior. Why is always that the woman has to change????
This my opinion of her post and second post. She’s speaking to women who want to be married. I agree with what she said from the standpoint of why settle for the worst just to have a man? If you want to be married, care for yourself first. Then, you will be able to have a healthy relationship with a worthy partner. I don’t have an issue with her sharing something from her personal experience to help someone else.
I think if she had just gone with the second post and left the video out of it, maybe it would have been received better.
I’m white, although in US I wouldn’t be thought as such (I’m slavic-mediterranean)-and I have to admit that is one of the things that gets me so angry when thinking about subtle racism in US. I just don’t get that!! I live in a pretty tradionalist country-you know, the young people are actually fairly liberal (half of them stays liberal, half of them slowly morphs into conservative stances of their parents when they get married/grown-up), but the odler generations are conservative. And Still, the judgement I heard, as a spectator, of, especially black women and their marital status (or sometimes, even the fact that they “don’t have a man”, sounding like any man, no matter how bad, would be better than no man) in some circles in US is on par with a conservative 101 year old nana who finished only elementary school and lives in one of those remote villages on the side of the mountain that has 5 residents and no running water (seriously, those kind older nanas were the tipping point in voting :no! on legalization of same-sex marriage).
I just don’t get it: how is it that in 21st century, a part of ultra-progressive and modern country you still have the mindset, brainwash and terminology of patriarchal society of the late 19th century?!
What on Earth are you on about? Of course you’d be considers white in the US, but even if you weren’t, what’s the issue? Do you feel there’s something wrong with not being white? Because honestly, that’s what your post makes it sound like…
She may be dark skinned starkiller.
There are Greeks who have brown skin and very dark Armenians. There are also Slavs that are very dark and Asian looking. So she could mean that, and they may be “white” technically they look “foreign” and “dark,” and “ethnic” so aren’t considered Northern European white. Because that is really what white means in America hence the Norway comment.
I have relatives in Louisiana who have that dark haired, dark eyed, olive skin that you aren’t too sure are they light Creoles and then the accent, and it is like ? They are very good looking I must say, but you can’t swear they are white because of the whole Louisiana history. But they are white (with some people in their ancestry who clearly weren’t). Two of them have very curly hair and look straight up biracial but with very light olive skin. But they are white.
Race is a strange thing and I am beginning to think the definition of race needs to be revisited because it doesn’t make much sense anymore. Especially nowadays.
My issue is that she frames everything in the context of God, children, and marriage. For a lot of women none of those three have anything to do with finding yourself and finding your own way. And the implication that being a single mom was obviously her lowest point is so f*cked. And that it was her “fault” for not loving herself enough to pick the right man? ALL of that may be true for her but don’t project your messiness onto other women. There’s a very high possibility that as a straight woman, you WILL “pick” the wrong dude at least once. Why? Because many of them suck. … Or need to find God or something.
I really don’t think her lowest point was being a single mom, per se. It was being a single mom of Future’s 5th or 6th kid. She thought that she would be the one to change the douche, like he was some prize to be won.
Oddly enough, I don’t think this was her being judgy of other women, but being self-deprecating (look guys, if I could find a good guy, so can you). Perhaps I’m giving her too much credit…
She sounds a lot like my elderly southern Baptist neighbor who talks a lot about her faith and everything ties into that faith for her. It doesn’t bother me much, but some of the stuff she comes out with is very wtf. Like how a man “lifts a woman up” through marriage or some such nonsense. What does that even mean? And why do I need a man to do that for me? I tend to nod and make noncommittal noises a lot around her.
That is my problem. The whole thing is centered around her and her self-worth through men.
Nope. Not here for it.
It is the absolute wrong message.
Not to mention she is still in a messy situation. She should stop before someone says something.
Beware of preachy people on soapboxes who try to tell others how they found happiness through these so-called happy marriages. They aren’t trying to convince you; they are trying to convince themselves.
Yes exactly. Perfectly stated.
Maybe she posted something on *her* social media that *she* could relate to. Every message doesn’t have to apply to every body. There are indeed women who want to marry, are believers in Christ and could benefit from the sermon snippet. There are indeed women in all stages of life who are waiting to have sex. If it’s not a message for you.. then okay.
But to try to proceed to tear her down for her (perhaps new) perspective or choices…. has what benefit? Those who are bothered…. may want to ask themselves why?
Well said. I think we often make the mistake of thinking that every message out there is about us. We are becoming more and more self-centered as a society. If Ciara’s perspective doesn’t relate to you, then fine, it doesn’t relate to you. She hardly meant any harm by it.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. We become offended with everything that doesn’t exactly allign with our personal world view we forgot differing views are empowering. Ciara wasn’t happy in how her life was going and chose a different path which seems to be working for her. She offered up this experience to women going through the same thing. Nowhere does she dictate all should walk this path and even if she did we are still adults (I think?) who can agree to disagree and move.
I totally agree! There are women who are currently in similar situations and Ciara was just speaking about her own experience. Why is this site so quick to condemn her for having had a child with Future, as though that somehow precludes her from having a valid perspective on being single. She learned from some of her mistakes and was just relaying that to her followers. If you don’t relate, so be it. You don’t have to tear her down in the process.
Lots of people make poor dating choices out of a lack of self-love, Why is Ciara’s bringing that up (within the context of her OWN experience) so terrible? Jeez.
She is a public figure choosing to have these discussions publicly though. She’s also speaking to women about women. All within the context of a patriarchal society where the way women are valued and treated are impacted by attitudes about sexuality. Should nobody be allowed to have an opinion on it? Or is it that only a certain ‘kind of girl’ gets to have a say? Women with the more ‘traditional’ stance on this issue (a stance that has been championed and strictly enforced for a long time) silencing women who don’t quite fit that mold (and have already been silenced for it, historically) by branding them as self-absorbed just for voicing an opinion sounds a little self-centered, don’t you think?
That linked-to video was garbage in the sense that it puts the onus on black women when, for black women, there is LITERALLY a marriage crisis. There are too many marriageable black women for the number of black men who are out of the marriage market due to outside / societal circumstances or by choice. This is compounded by the fact that black women date black men almost exclusively while black men who are in the marriage market date non-black women at a much higher rate than their black female counterparts. This leads to what one scholar had called the “informal harem network,” where black men date several, marriageable women at once, each one taking whatever time he gives hoping that they might one day be chosen. There is deep pain and some shame in this area for black women. One possibility according to the book “Is Marriage for White People?”: black women who want to be married should start dating non-black men. When that white or Indian guy from work asks you out, say yes if you want to increase your chances of getting married.
Wisca That narrative really chaps my gizzards. Especially when 89% of black men marry black women, while 95% of black women marry black men. That’s the last figures from 2009 I believe. So no, black men as a whole are not just going around building a harem of intelligent women. They are actually marrying us but I swear there is a huge propaganda push to demonstrate the opposite.
Imara219,
I stand thoroughly corrected.
Girl, some of us don’t need their life to be defined by a man. We march to our own tune.
Hello, thank you! THIS.
And that’s fine. You don’t have to relate to her message.
Your choice on how you see your past & how you live your life going forward. But you lost me women “giving their bodies”. Pretty sure that whatever I choose to do, I still own my body.
You and your preacher can have two eye rolls & several seats
Isn’t her husband gay? Or am I thinking if someone else?
It doesn’t matter if he is. It has nothing to do with her comments. Why are you passively trying to use his supposed gayness as an insult?
No insult intended. I’m not familiar with these people, merely asked.
No, he isn’t. Don’t use homosexuality as a slur. Shame on you for even posting that.
How am I using homosexuality as a slur? I have a gay brother. I merely asked if he was, I apologize if it seems offensive but that wasn’t my intent.
No, not that we know of. I think you’re thinking of someone else maybe.
You’re thinking of Star Jones, maybe?
No but he is quite possibly a google bot. This article made me laugh so hard:
https://deadspin.com/russell-wilson-googled-how-to-describe-a-beautiful-wom-1755727770
I’m not sure why everyone is acting so confused. There were definitely rumors about that at some point. Rumors, of course, nothing confirmed.
That has been the rumor for years and a credible rumor, so you aren’t saying anything wrong to point it out. He has been talked about for a long time in the gay community with names, dates, and sightings. Loads of stories long before she was even in the picture.
I don’t believe minx said anything that hasn’t been said and is still said about him. He is not alone in this either.
There are are a lot of athletes in the closet with beards because our country won’t accept an openly gay athlete. That is the shame and ignorance of bigotry in America.
Whatever the nature of their relationship that is their business and I don’t know or really care, but the rumors have been detailed and consistent, so minx isn’t pulling this out of thin air.
It had nothing to do with waiting until marriage either since they pre-date Ciara.
There were a lot of rumors about his sexuality before he got with Ciara and since as well. You were thinking of the right guy.
There are also rumors Ciara is TG,which is BS.
I cant think of one attractive black celeb that I haven’t read rumors that they are gay.And yes I said black celeb because I primarily read black gossip blogs.
I’ve heard rumors for a long time about Russell Wilson. His videos when he speaks about her, at times, can feel way too much. As if he overcompensating for something.
Or, it simply could be, that when a black man presents as clean cut and “proper” people always label him gay. His ex-wife was bitter and angry as heck and never emebtioned anything about his sexuality, you’d think she’d have a clue.
Or does it feel like too much because we’re not used to seeing a black man express love and support for a black woman? If we see more of this in the black community it wouldn’t feel like too much or strange.
She’s taking us back decades. Reading what you wrote, took me back to listening to my mom, her churchy Baptist friends and prayer circles with me in the middle (because I was so fallen). No. I dared to look them in the eyes and call them hypocrites. But as a teen, that was just me being led by the devil. I’m angry just thinking about it. We can gossip, laugh at celebrities, be superficial, be angry with politics and debate daily faux paus, but we can not, we must not instruct others how to live or berate them for the choices they made that make them happy. High horses are only good if you’re willing to jump down and share the joint. Heh heh.
It’s problematic but she’s doing the best she can with the experiences she has had. Black women have a complicated, tortured relationship with sex and sexuality. Virtue signalling and slut shaming are rampant in our culture yet for generations we have been systemically sexually exploited and hypersexualized. Woc have Inherited and internalized some incredibly weighty issues and I refuse to judge a black woman by the same woke standards as I do other women.
“Woc have Inherited and internalized some incredibly weighty issues and I refuse to judge a black woman by the same woke standards as I do other women.”
Girl, what?!! (steeples fingers) WHAT?!!!
Reef
Um…not sure how to respond…
Hmm, I’ve met women from African, European and South American countries who can easily fit in your description of us Black (American women) being sexualized yet dealing with the same madonna/whore complex. IMO the uniting variable in these women is religion. Women touched by religious doctrine including American White women grow up with heads filled with how you should avoid sex. And they have to fight with their natural urges which is labeled bad/slut behavior.
I kind of feel bad for Ciara mainly because it appears her discovery of self-worth is based on her husband’s love for her. As in if he cheats or replaces her, whatever self-worth she gained from him will crumble. It’s usually best to gain self worth internally like she’s preaching but that’s not what she’s practicing.
Agree, and it gies beyond the Madonna Whore complex for black women because the sexualized history from slavery that justified treating black women as over sexed objects. That is a specific stereotype harmful to black women.
She sounds like some married women I know who think they are the cat’s pajamas now that they are married.
Havng said that, there is a difference between a sex positive woman who really enjoys having sex and someone who uses sex to gain attention from their sexual partner of choice. They are not the same thing and should not be treated as such. Neither one deserves to be treated like crap from men and women, but there is a difference to me. A woman should have sex when she feels that she ready to have sex with someone, as often as she wants. The only caveat I have is she needs to have safe sex.
I am also sick and tired of us black women, taking advice from black men about what to do with our bodies. Steve Harvey, that idiot in her Instagram video or whatever it is, No longer Dr. Umar, and Tareeq Nasheed, and any other hotep that I cannot recall at the moment. These men and their “advice” keep us black women enslaved in an ashy ankled, misogynistic, homophobic cycle that we cannot ever get out of. Dumbasses like them want to replace white male supremacy with black male supremacy, but keep EVERYTHING else the same. And some black women eat it up because some of them are taught that the only value that they have is if they have a man by their side. I feel like all of those men are like Dump and the people who follow them are Dump supporters.
I’d like to see a cat in pajamas.🐈
I can tell you from experience that they are cute as hell. Hard to get on though.
Very well stayed.
It cannot be stressed enough that Steve Harvey and his ilk are pushing the damaging misogyny in a different skin.
I agree with you on Steve Harvey. His stupid act like a lady book. I’m not black, so I wouldn’t know on that. But I’m so sick of the message that women have to act a certain way to get a man. Meanwhile men have no societal expectations on their behavior. When it comes to dating and sex I mean
This!
And to think there’s so many who believe equality has been achieved and we don’t need feminism or civil rights activism anymore. Subjugation of women is so deeply ingrained in our society on so many levels that we uncover more layers every day. Beware those who want to overthrow the current ruler only to snatch the throne for themselves.
You said everything I wanted to so I’ll just +10000000000000000000000000000000.
If I may step into the land of petty for a minute,Dr. Umar isn’t actually a Dr. even though he still uses the title. You can’t imagine how happy I was when I found out.
The cat thread made me giggle. The rest of your comment made me wanna scream AMEN from my desk
I am not black either, but I like your comment and learned something.
Steve Harvey!!!!!
You won me over with that name alone.
UGH!
_Thank_ you, Aiobhan. Sick to death of all those woman-hating concern-troll mega-preachers like Jakes and Harvey (and celeb idiots like Tyrese) who are peddling male supremacy in a different guise.
I guess I kind of see the point she’s trying to make? I guess? But it’s stated so poorly and I can’t. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being “just” a wife and mother if that’s how your life works out and you’re happy, fine. But it’s clearly not the only way to live or even the best way.
The double standards on sleeping around are what piss me off. Some people act like a woman can’t find a good man unless she keeps her legs closed. We don’t give men that message! I’ve had guys tell me how I’m great cause I’m not one of those girls who sleep around. Well, honey, I used to do. But we’re supposed to keep our vagina practically brand new or we might not find a husband! But yet, it’s OK for men to sleep around and then settle down. But for women, they say, can’t turn a ho into a housewife. Bulllshit double standards.
The problem I have with this preacher’s message is that once again, its being put upon the woman to stay pure, don’t sleep around and you’ll find a good man. That’s how I took it. Typical Christianity, putting it on the woman to keep her legs closed. I’ve never heard advising men to keep their dick in their pants if they want to find a good woman.
Virginity and purity is so overrated. I thought so as a teenager and I think so now. Especially since it only seemed like it applied to women while men got to prance around sticking their dick into whatever they pleased and actually getting an “atta boy” by doing so. Never bought that load of garbage. Always felt like I was being lied to, like I wasn’t being told something, and gee willickers, I was right.
What matters is making good decisions for YOU and YOUR health, mental and physical. That will take different forms for different people and it’s really nobody else’s business. Be smart, and don’t compromise yourself for another person, whether that means having sex when you don’t want to or not having sex if you want to. You are worth good decisions, and only you know what good decisions look like for you.
As a woman, I look at promiscuity both ways. If a man brags about how many women he’s slept with, then that is not attractive at all. That is just my personal feelings on the matter.
Nobody said anything about “bragging” though?
Snowflake was specifically discussing the double standard that occurs in our societal interpretation of “promiscuity” as it applies to both genders.
She was making the point that men were already applauding her for being “chaste” when she hadn’t even disclosed how many men she’s slept with. Men applaud other men for the number of notches on their belt while both men AND women overwhelmingly shame women for the same behavior. This isn’t about your personal opinion but about the systemic slut-shaming of women.
Eh, she’s doing her own thing. It doesn’t fit my life, or my beliefs or my personality, and I’d shut that shit down if it were directed at me, but it’s her private Instagram, I’m sure there’s a demographic who agrees with her and is happy with her message, and she can preach whatever she wants.
this is typical self righteous bullshit that comes from people who are “born again”
Indeed. Some truly annoying folks.
What is walking around with the spirit of “girlfriend”? Seriously what in the hell does that mean?
In the christian church the only thing a woman should be working towards is being a wife. They look down on single women, as single women are seen as temptation to men, and being married elevates a woman’s social status within the church. You’re only truly arrived or made ‘respectable’ when you’re married. It’s used a weapon against single women all day every day. The attitude is you’re single because something’s wrong with you. Hence Ciara’s preachy post.
Unexpectedly triggered by this post and I didn’t even know I felt some of the things I’m feeling right now. I grew up in the Methodist church but now I’m like a weird agnostic sort of Hindu maybe Buddhist yogi who is cool with Jesus as a person. Anyway, I had some youth leaders I was very close to when I was younger, but there came a point when the women started straight-up ignoring me because I grew into an attractive, single young woman. How f*cked up is that from someone who is supposed to be giving you guidance?
Shambles, how dare you grow into the beautiful, smart young woman God actually designed you to be? It’s terrible what they they do to young women and wonder why we leave the church. I used to have women openly discuss in front of me where I would find a husband since there were so few available men in the church. What that did to my 15 year old brain I can’t even tell you.
While attending a relative’s wedding in the fundamentalist church when I was 15, I was asked by an older man if I was married. Um, no. Engaged, then? Um, I’m 15. *blank stare* Yeah, so?
I was so creeped out. And so glad my family was not part of that community.
She needs a lesson in women supporting women. Give advice if it’s warranted, and if it’s not, that’s ok too. We can and should agree to disagree. We can have different opinions and that’s fine. The support should still be there. If you don’t get that, then I feel bad for you.
My sister did this to me after she got married. Like all of the sudden she had all the answers and I was just an idiot for being single. I think finding the right person just comes down to dumb luck. And there’s NOTHING wrong with being single.
100% agree !
Well, rest assured. I personally am the same idiot I was prior to marriage, and I’ll be the first to say it 😉
The problem is that she, like many women, believes her value as a woman is determined by the worth of her man, that only the right man increases her worth. A good woman exists regardless of the man (or woman) she is with.
Amen, +1.
Kaiser, I am **loving** your tone in this piece! You make some excellent points. Also, damn Ciara. Like really? The landscape of romance is changing. Dating is f*cking brutal. Society needs instant gratification these days. People are reevaluating their values and what it means to be tied/tethered/chained (however you want to see it) to someone legally (and in some cases, forever).
After going through a super rough breakup, I realized that while finding a partner is important to me, but it can’t be the be all end all.
I grew up in Russell Wilson-land as far as religion goes and I gathered my brains and left as soon as I was a legal adult. To my parents eternal heartbreak I might add. But the religious culture RW lives in is so f-d up and so misogynistic I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Also there are more women than men in those churches usually so my advice for any sister who’s looking to score a good husband would be to leave those churches and find yourself a real man in the real world. Worked for me and 20 years later I’m happy as a clam with my agnostic husband…
I’m so tired of all the “relationship goal” bullshit Ciara and a lot of these famous (Instagram relevant only) women are preaching!
I loathe this couple. LOATHE.
I’m a white woman who spent years not valuing myself. I come from a poor background, and that also makes a difference in how you are taught to value yourself.
I was a single mother of two, and dating every asshole in my city (exaggeration, but it sure felt like it). I felt like i needed to “win” the attention of men, and i was misguided about what sexual liberty actually is. It isn’t sleeping with guy because that’s what he wants, and the reward for you giving in is not being lonely. It was only when I met my fiance that i actually felt liberated. Sex wasn’t the currency required to keep his attention.
Is Ciara coming across as preachy? Yes. Do i think that’s what she intended? No. I think she meant it as, “I didn’t value myself, this is what taught me to start to.” I tell the young girls in my life to not give it up to guys (or girls) unless it’s what THEY want. Not for attention, or money, or anything that doesn’t make them feel good about themselves.
“I tell the young girls in my life to not give it up to guys (or girls) unless it’s what THEY want.”
UNLESS IT’S SOMETHING THEY WANT.
That’s why your message is one of sexual inclusivity IMO and not an endorsement of a chattel marriage (yes I’m being extremely hyperbolic for effect).
I think sexual promiscuity is a personal decision and as long as both partners are safe and both are on the same page in terms of what sex means to them then I don’t see why women in particular should be shamed for it.
Yes! Thank you, kitten. I was hooking up w this guy who was very Southern n more conservative than me (n 6’3”!) n he was like, “you know I still respect you, right? That’s not even a question.”
I always say, as long as everyone’s consenting n an adult, n everyone’s on the same page, then we’re fine.
LOL @ her or Russell Wilson talking to anyone about ethics. They’re both hypocrites.
Off topic, i think Ciara is gorgeous n Russell Wilson’s a cutie (n he has a great bod!)
I remember my old petsitting boss, who I was very close to, was complaining that her daughter was moving in w her boyfriend n she was cooking for him, cleaning for him, basically doing everything n she was still his girlfriend. (That’s not the kind of relationship I’d want, but that’s besides the point.) the guy took her completely for granted n was kind of a bump on a log. He eventually was like “let’s break up n eventually get back together,” n I think that was a eye-opening red flag: he does not respect or value you.
The girl in question (lovely lady!) is now married to a very nice Canadian man who works in finance n has a beautiful baby. It’s not necessarily abt girlfriend-vs-wife, it’s abt being valued for who you are n what you want. I think Ciara butchered the delivery, tho, n it’s coming off as super judgy n preachy. But i think that message is good: don’t let someone undervalue you. The people you choose to spend your time w should be nice to you, a refuge from the world, not the source of your problems.
I’ve also never heard the word misogynoir!
After reading a lot of the other comments, im realizing I’m not really seeing this through the lens of a certain kind of Christianity. That’s icky (I’m being intentionally underwhelming, but it’s gross to dignify the equating of women n their “gift” or their “cookie” or whatever – thanks, Steve Harvey – to having value or being precious n if you give it away too much it diminishes your value as a person, n i don’t want to get too worked up abt it cuz it’s such an absurd, widely outdated n offensive argument)
In my boss’s daughter’s example, she just really wanted to get married n have a kid n find someone that treated her well. N she did, thank god, n she’s really happy. But the irony of men thinking they know what’s right for women when they’ve never been a woman needs to absolutely die.
“But i think that message is good: don’t let someone undervalue you.”
And I think that’s a really good message, but where I have trouble with it is how it fits into the idea of marriage, God, Church, or even long-term relationships.
For instance, I have had casual relationships with men that I never had any intention of being serious with. I went into it knowing that it was a fun fling that would never go anywhere, but I never felt like I was being used or disrespected, mainly because I had the sexual and emotional maturity to handle casual sex. Those relationships consisted of a mutually-gratifying situation that provided me with some companionship–a reason to get dolled up on a Saturday night–and some worthwhile interactions with men that I found to be compelling, even if I didn’t see them as a life partner.
But the caveat here is that I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy those relationships if I had been relying on those men to fulfill something that was missing within myself. Likewise, if I had been the type of person to approach every man as a potential husband or every relationship as a prelude to marriage, I would have likely set myself up for constant disappointment. I would have been focusing on where things were going, instead of enjoying the relationships for what they were: brief but worthwhile connections that helped me to learn about myself and grow as a person both emotionally and in terms of intimacy.
Also as an atheist, for most of my life I’ve viewed marriage as more of a legal arrangement than a promise to God or whatever. For me, marriage was seen as a practical endeavor and it’s only since I met my current BF that I’ve warmed to the romantic notions attached to the idea of joining someone in union. So that’s another issue that I have with Ciara’s message: where exactly does God fit into it for those of us who are not religious who are getting married for non-religious reasons? Are we moral failures because we want to marry for utilitarian reasons and not to honor God?
And I’m aware that I’ve now veered into dangerous territory, where I’m projecting my personal experiences and overanalyzing a relatively innocent IG post. Sorry about that. I just love the larger conversations that arise from silly celeb gossip 🙂
And on a superficial note, I also think Ciara is stunningly beautiful. Seriously one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.
“I love larger discussions that arise from silly celebrity gossip” me too!! That’s why i love this site. 😉❤️
I don’t think you’re projecting at all! I agree re: relationships, in all forms. Everything gets you to the next and we learn abt ourselves and process as we go. And seriously, f anyone who makes us feel bad abt making healthy, correct decisions for ourselves.
In all of the discussion of Harvey Weinstein etc, there’s been a similar, consistent rumbling: When is the music industry going to break open? The commoditization of women, their bodies, and their sexuality is business as usual. And artists like Ciara, who are solely performers and my writers/producers, are incredibly vulnerable to exploitation. I always got a hinky feeling from her relationship with Future, including the way she tried to hide their breakup for a while (she was accidentally outed when she thought she was talking off the record). So you know what? I would imagine that Ciara has some crazy issues with her sexuality, her worth as a person, and relationships. I’m not ripping her apart.
Level up by marrying a gay man, become smug about it and look down on single women. Got it.
“Too many false preachers want to be empowering, but walk in the spirit of misogynistic tropes.”
Fixed your Insta post, Ciara.
I don’t know how any relationship can be successful if you don’t love your self enough to have an honor code-I don’t mean Ten Commandments or religion per se but what you’d never tolerate: abuse, unfaithfulness, etc. I came from a background with domestic violence and verbal abuse so i knew when I was old enough for relationships I was selective with who I would and wouldn’t date. I don’t get that video clip where is the preaching to all the guys as well? Seriously it takes two to tango if you can entertain that guys message in my opinion.
Jeez. Well, I do not advocate for anyone sleeping around but damn, if you want to sleep with your boyfriend, go right ahead! At the end of the day it’s about personal choice and Ciara hardly seems to be in a position where she can preach (rant) about no sex before marriage when she got PREGNANT while unmarried… umm…..
God spare me from these born-againners who supposedly have everything a “good” woman “should” want—but spend time hating on women who don’t want/need that.