Andy Spade on his wife’s death: ‘It was a complete shock. And it clearly wasn’t her’

Andy Spade and Kate Spade

Just know that I go back and forth about covering the details regarding someone’s death, especially if their death was caused by suicide, and especially so soon after someone’s death. I find these stories to be rather macabre. But I think there was a lot of misinformation in the early reports of Kate Spade’s death, and clearly, there are still questions about all of the circumstances around her death. Even Kate’s blood family, the Brosnahans, are at odds with each other. One sister says that Kate had been suffering from mental illness and clinical depression for years. The rest of the family slapped back at those claims. It’s a mess.

There were also some questions about Andy Spade. Initial reports claimed that Andy Spade was at home in the Park Avenue apartment when his wife killed herself. People now reports that Andy was not there, that Kate was alone in the apartment when she hanged herself. As for why he wasn’t there… People’s sources claim that the Spades had been having “relationship problems” for months, and that he was already living separately from his wife, and he was looking to buy an apartment. Sources also told People that Andy and Kate “both had lawyers and were divorcing… but they hadn’t filed yet.” After all of those stories and more, Andy Spade released a statement on Wednesday:

“Kate was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was the kindest person I’ve ever known and my best friend for 35 years. My daughter and I are devastated by her loss, and can’t even begin to fathom life without her. We are deeply heartbroken and miss her already,” Andy Spade, 55, said in a statement to the New York Times on Wednesday.

“Kate suffered from depression and anxiety for many years. She was actively seeking help and working closely with her doctors to treat her disease, one that takes far too many lives. We were in touch with her the night before and she sounded happy. There was no indication and no warning that she would do this. It was a complete shock. And it clearly wasn’t her. There were personal demons she was battling.”

“For the past 10 months we had been living separately, but within a few blocks of each other. Bea was living with both of us and we saw each other or spoke every day. We ate many meals together as a family and continued to vacation together as a family. Our daughter was our priority. We were not legally separated, and never even discussed divorce. We were best friends trying to work through our problems in the best way we knew how. We were together for 35 years. We loved each other very much and simply needed a break.”

“This is the truth. Anything else that is out there right now is false. She was actively seeking help for depression and anxiety over the last 5 years, seeing a doctor on a regular basis and taking medication for both depression and anxiety. There was no substance or alcohol abuse. There were no business problems. We loved creating our businesses together. We were co-parenting our beautiful daughter. I have yet to see any note left behind and am appalled that a private message to my daughter has been so heartlessly shared with the media. My main concern is Bea and protecting her privacy as she deals with the unimaginable grief of losing her mother. Kate loved Bea so very much.”

[From People]

I was also appalled that Kate’s suicide note was published by TMZ and other outlets, which is why we didn’t even cover that aspect yesterday. It’s none of our business whatsoever and that’s a bridge too far. As for Andy Spade’s statement… it is what it is, a statement from a man who is deeply grieving and possibly blaming himself in private. A picture is beginning to form of Kate’s last months, and how she was a woman battling her demons privately as her marriage crumbled. There is no one answer, one cause, one reason… but I can also see how someone on the edge felt like her life was crumbling beneath her feet.

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105 Responses to “Andy Spade on his wife’s death: ‘It was a complete shock. And it clearly wasn’t her’”

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  1. Jane says:

    Oh God, this is just too painful . I am still feeling for her daughter.

    • NameChange says:

      That’s what gets to me, too. And the fact that the note supposedly said “ask Daddy.” That poor, poor child. She is going to blame that man for her mother’s death for a long time before she realizes that people who choose suicide don’t often need a justification, the pain just becomes too much.

      • Shannon says:

        Not necessarily. That note (if it’s accurate) could be interpreted different ways. My first interpretation was, “Ask daddy how much I love you” The road ahead of them is difficult, but I wouldn’t conclude that yet. It seems she has a good relationship with her dad and I’m not sure she would jump to the worst possible conclusion about her father. None of us should. I wish them all peace and healing.

      • Milla says:

        Ask daddy probably meant ask him what was going on with me. I doubt her young daughter knew her mum was so depressed, Spade was probably acting normal around her.

        It was not ask your father, but ask daddy.

      • Jane says:

        Yes, the “ask Daddy” comment is what struck a chord in me. No 13 year old should have to go through this.

      • LT says:

        Yeah, I didn’t take it that way at all. She knew that her daughter might at some point blame herself because a lot of kids do and she wanted her to talk with her father to understand it was NOT her fault.

        My heart breaks for the daughter because this is going to be a hard road. But, BUT – there are great resources out there for kids in this situation and losing her mother this way does NOT condemn her to a life of misery. It is possible for her to grow up without the suicide defining her. I’m not saying it will be easy and it will always be with her, but it doesn’t have to define who she will become. It can be a healed scar, not an open wound.

      • Heat says:

        I don’t believe that the ‘ask daddy’ comment was malicious, in nature, at all.
        They were together for 35 years; he is the person who can explain how Kate suffered; he is the person who loves Bea enough to explain that it was not her fault.

      • Tiffany :) says:

        We MUST keep in mind that “ask daddy” came only from TMZ. They are not to be trusted. Much of the misinformation, like that he was in the home, came from them.

        They manipulate information all of the time and lie all of the time. They are mysogynists. Do not trust TMZ. Do not judge Kate or her family based on information from TMZ.

  2. Becks1 says:

    The note being published is just beyond the pale. Enraging.

    his statement sounds honest and very sad. The poor family.

    • Let It Be says:

      Agree with you on the note being published, but not so sure about his comments. ” The most beautiful woman in the world” is hyperbole that feels off note. Maybe it’s just his way of honoring her memory. But other reports say he told police that she DID abuse alcohol. Lots of contradictory info out there, and the clashing comments from family members make a very sad story seem sordid, too.

      • JP says:

        I would want my best friend husband of 35 years to publicly say only positive things about me after my death no matter what private things he may have to share with the police – who shouldn’t be sharing their investigation publicly!! These police leaks are disgusting.

      • SKF says:

        Seriously? You’re critiquing him for being too nice about his wife of several decades who has just taken her own life? Do you regularly jump up and give critiques of obituaries at funerals? Step back, take a few deep breaths and reassess. The man is grieving. He shouldn’t have had to make a statement at all. He does not “owe” the public anything and if he chooses to conceal some things to protect his late wife’s image then that is his perogative and that’s not for us to judge. In his eyes, perhaps this hyperbole (as you name it) is true. Let’s lay off the bitchiness and judging in the wake of a tragic death.

      • K2 says:

        Agree with SKF in every point. And he will also have been thinking about his daughter, in what he wanted in the public domain.

        The fact some outlets published a suicide note is just horrifyingly wrong. They seem unable to understand that this is real, and not a movie or something. There’s a real child who’s lost her mother and that was her note from her. Not anything the public should even know about.

      • magnoliarose says:

        I think at this point there may be no real logic to dissect about anything he has said. We aren’t owed his truth or any raw details. We can’t expect him to get it right enough to please everyone. He is grieving. That is all that counts.

    • Kermit the Gorf says:

      Harvey Levin and TMZ are the bottom feeders in the world of celebrity news

    • lucy2 says:

      It really is disturbing. It absolutely should have stayed private, and should not be discussed by strangers as it is being now. These people are already in terrible pain and grief, and that violation just makes it so much worse.

  3. Dissa says:

    Jeez. Paralyzed 33yrs. Ghosted after a 13yr relationship. Had to stop working (which had become my priority and identify) 5yrs ago due to complications from the paralysis leading to a constant leaking bladder with no muscle tone.

    Of course I have depression. And that’s okay to feel that way.

    I look at this woman and her perceived life and wonder why I go on? (Former 911 so talked people out of it).

    • Huh says:

      I am sorry for your struggles but posting this is wrong in every way.

      • Umyeah says:

        @dissa wow i dont even have words. Depression is a horrible disease that attacks your brain, it literally changes the way you think and how you percieve things. Being rich doesnt mean she was exempt for suffering the devestating impact of such a disease. Many people on this thread have responded to you with empathy, perhaps you could learn something from them.

      • lucy2 says:

        Dissa, that’ not at all what Huh said. Not at all.

        You are clearly speaking from a place of great pain, and that is very understandable with what you have gone and continue to go through.

        We don’t know what this woman was going through. Mental illness does not discriminate based on wealth. Whatever she was experiencing, it was bad and painful enough to lead to this tragedy. Instead of comparing or judging, we all should strive to be supportive when we have strength, and ask for help when we do not.

      • paranormalgirl says:

        Mental Illness knows no socioeconomic boundaries. No racial boundaries. No boundaries at all. It’s an equal opportunity illness. No one gets to say that their illness is worse than someone else’s. This is not a “compare and contrast” thing. Depression can be chronic or situational. The symptoms are similar, the causes are different.

        I wouldn’t be surprised if medication came into play with this suicide, as in the cases of Robin Williams and Chris Cornell.

      • India Rose says:

        I’m confused about what you said about medication. Robin Williams’ family has said he had Lewy-Body dementia, which is a degenerative cognitive disorder similar to Alzheimer’s disease. His ability to make rational choices was likely impacted by that disease.

        Were he and Chris Cornell rumored to have gone off anti-depressants?

        I would never blame medication that is used to treat depression and anxiety. They can literally save lives. They’ve saved mine. If one isn’t working, we should talk to a doctor to find the best fit. There are so many options now. No one should have to suffer by “toughing it out”.

        Just to be clear, you’re not blaming medication?

      • magnoliarose says:

        Maybe paranormalgirl means wrong medication? Or too much? She’s the professional so I am guessing she means medications that weren’t helpful in this case.

    • Alix says:

      Yes, you’ve had it rough. But clinical depression is an illness, which strikes people regardless of their life situation or income. You have no more “right” to be depressed than she did.

    • Spicecake38 says:

      You have been through worse than most can fathom,hoping you get some peace in your life.Your comment,however is confusing to me,it sounds like you are condoning suicide,please don’t.

    • Nicole says:

      Mental illness is not an Olympic sport in who has more right to be depressed, anxious, bipolar, etc.

      • Aud says:

        Chronic depression is an illness. Circumstantial depression is related to difficulties or tragedies in a person’s life. You’re comparing apples to oranges.

        I sympathize with you in the difficulties you continue to face. I’m appalled at the judgment you’re passing during this tragedy.

      • Sherry says:

        @Aud – You are correct. I lost my mother when I was 3 months pregnant with my second child. My father died shortly after that child was born. I was an only child and very close to both of my parents (they lived with us until they passed away). It was all I could do just to get out of bed every day. I had two children to take care of and I didn’t have a choice. I went to a friend who is a psychiatrist and said, “I need something. I can barely function.” He replied, “You’ve lost both your parents and had a baby all within 9 months. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way. If you’re still feeling this way in a year, call me.”

        OTOH – My daughter has bipolar. Depression from that perspective is a completely different ballgame. Thankfully that same psychiatrist helped her and my daughter is now leading a normal life with proper medication and counseling.

        They are two entirely different depressive states.

    • Snowflake says:

      I am so sorry for the things you’ve been through. Please try to hang in there, maybe see a doctor for some medication to help? I’m sure you would be missed if you were no longer here.

    • maxine ducamp says:

      @Dissa, I’m sorry for your troubles but as others have said, illness and depression are not competitive sports. Yes, she had the means to afford the best medical treatment possible, which puts her at an advantage to many others who have depression–and no denying that is a major advantage–but would you say “poor little rich girl” if she’d died of cancer. It is a mystery as to why some people are more resilient than others and you are to be admired for yours but the lack of it in the face of depression is NOT something to judge people over. Compassion costs nothing.

      • JR says:

        @Maxine, it seems awfully hypocritical to be telling @Dissa to be more compassionate when you are jumping on the bandwagon here saying the same things to her that have already been said. Read her post – she is really struggling and a bunch of you are just adding to her depression. Enough already.

      • A says:

        @JR, depression is not an excuse to be unkind, which is what most of the people in this thread are pointing out. Depression does not preclude you from criticism either. Nor is it a hallmark of compassion to let people say and do unkind things.

    • Veronica S. says:

      Clinical depression is a disease of imbalanced biochemistry, not an active choice. Your depression is a result of difficult life circumstances. Similar but not the same thing. Both are a form of disability. Suffering isn’t a competition.

    • Beth says:

      @Dissa, please don’t let go. My bf has been a paraplegic for 15 years, and has struggled with depression and health problems due to it. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and I’m so proud of him. You’re definitely not alone. I myself understand the difficulties of me not being able to work because of my own disabilities, and suffering from depression is unfortunately a regular thing. Be strong

    • Shannon says:

      That’s like saying, ‘She was rich, so it was selfish of her to get cancer.’

      • Erinn says:

        I took it more as “I’m unhappy, I’m struggling, and when I see someone else who seemed to have it together in so many ways do it – I wonder why I keep chugging”. I’m not sure if that was the meaning of the post – but that was my interpretation when I read it – not malice.

      • Ashley says:

        @Erinn That was one interpretation I had when reading her post.

    • HeyThere! says:

      Depression and anxiety, and many many other illness, are invisible. You can look ‘normal or fine’ and can be spiraling down with mental or physical problems. I would hope you have a little more compassion for someone who clearly had a debilitating invisible illness since you can relate. I wish you health and peace and that you never suffer from bad anxiety because it is crippling/life shattering. Life is 90% mental and 10% physical(my opinion). When the mind isn’t working properly it doesn’t matter if you are able bodied.

      This poor family and how did they get ahold of what the note said?! That was such an invasion of privacy. I’m upset for them.

    • Wren says:

      It’s hard, isn’t it? Looking at someone who has every advantage in life, everything we’re all supposed to want, who has what appears to be normal everyday problems that millions of others deal with, and they made the ultimate decision that they could not go on. Someone with seemingly a fraction of the problems that you deal with. Really, why go on? If this person couldn’t do it, with all their everything, how do you carry on? It is indeed disheartening and you have every right to be angry. There’s something highly disconcerting about watching those who we perceive are so far ahead of us stagger and fall. You want to see them to carry on, if only to prove to yourself that there truly is a meaning to life, that the things we’re told matter do actually matter. That there’s a way to be safe.

      It’s not condoning suicide to be upset. Suicide is always a tragedy. It’s normal to see others with “more” fail and think “if they couldn’t, why would I be successful, and how do I even keep trying?” If we shush people who don’t have the “proper” reaction, we isolate them even further. Open and honest dialogue is not easy listening, which is why it so rarely happens.

      • adastraperaspera says:

        Thank you. All voices need to be heard, so we can all heal and help one another.

      • Ashley says:

        @Wren That’s a wonderful response.

      • Lahdidahbaby says:

        What a beautiful post, Wren. You are clearly the best side of humanity. Thank you.

      • magnoliarose says:

        Wren you touched on why people should look at famous people and understand it is an intentionally projected image and not truth. Disrodered brains are universal and wealth doesn’t protect anyone from it. We see what people want us to see.

      • Anika says:

        Wren: What a perfect response to Dissa, and to all the indignant responders who preach compassion and non-judgment while being uncompassionate and judgmental of Dissa. (Apparently that irony is lost on them.) Dissa–I am very sorry for your struggles. Please try to remember that depression distorts part of the brain; so you see yourself in an unfair, inaccurate way. I’m sure there would be many people who’d miss you immensely…The fact you’ve helped save/sustain other suicidal people’s lives tells me you are a very giving, caring, powerful, worthwhile person, who is having doubts about the value of her own life. I have had a severe mood disorder of chronic depression myself, since I was 12, so while I cannot relate to everything you go through, I think I partially understand how you feel: why go on. Think of those people whose lives you touched: they too believed there was no reason or purpose to their lives, and they were wrong. You are wrong too, that you have nothing to live for, as I feel certain someone as kind and courageous as you is here for good reasons. I hope so much you can feel those reasons soon again. Please take good care of yourself.

    • minx says:

      Dissa, as someone who has had ups and downs—nothing like you have—I often think others have it better and should just be happy. But depression is a cycle of despair and when you are in it, nothing on the outside matters or gives you pleasure.

    • Jay (the Canadian one) says:

      Dissa, it’s a common misconception that clinical depression is just “overreaction”. Yes, you have legitimate things that depress you and you soldier on, and that’s admirable.

      But clinical depression is not merely an overreaction or some sort of “snowflake” behaviour. It’s often a brain malfunction. The brain has the same responses as if there was legitimate cause for extreme depression. Think of it as an emotional hallucination.

      If someone is hallucinating that they’re on fire, “get over it, I was burned for real” is not really a constructive response or treatment.

  4. Nicole says:

    Often times seeking help is when we are most vulnerable. Because the defenses we build to remain functional with a mental illness begins to be unraveled and changed in the process of therapy. It’s why we need support networks, hotlines and agencies to help. Therapy is amazing but the process is long and hard and it gets worse before it gets better.
    I’m sad for Kate because she was battling an illness that has so much stigma we are just now talking about it. I feel sad for her husband and daughter who will be dealing with a lot for a long time.
    I saw a post yesterday talking about how quick we are to talk about cancer, MS and CF that celebs have but we rarely know if a celeb is battling a mental illness. It’s not that we need to know but the fact that people are more comfortable coming out with cancer than anxiety or depression. It was something that just hit me with how spot on it was.

  5. Janet says:

    We are living in ratchet times where the media has become too invasive. Don’t know what happened but TMZ crossed the line with the suicide note release.

  6. Clare says:

    As someone who has lost a member of my family to suicide may I just say that talking about suicide and the issues surrounding it should not be taboo – ofcourse it is an incredibly uncomfortable and sad topic, but for the most part these acts of self harm are a result of mental illness – which is just that, an illness. If we can talk about X’s breast cancer and Y’s heart disease we should also be able to talk about mental health and illness without cringing. There is of course a line – in this case the suicide note is none of my damn business – but unless we get past our discomfort in talking about this issue I feel it will remain a taboo.

    In my own family, for years everyone pretended like my family member didn’t take his own life – there was even a rumour that he was murdered, because even that was preferred to suicide. It’s ridiculous, it doesn’t help the people left behind who are told to be ashamed and it doesn’t help those who are suffering who are told their illness is shameful.

    We have to talk about this stuff.

    • Miranda says:

      I’m sorry for your family’s loss. I’ve lost 2 cousins to suicide, myself. In the first instance, my uncle and aunt knew of their son’s health problems (physical and mental), and when he took his own life, they immediately accepted that fact. They grieved, of course, but they’ve done a decent job of picking up the pieces. My other aunt, however, is still in denial about her daughter 7 years later, and insists that she was murdered. She left 3 kids behind, and their grandmother’s denial has affected their ability to move on as well. So I’ve seen firsthand the difference it can make when we are open and honest about suicide.

    • JennyJenny says:

      @clare ~ My heart goes out to you for your loss.
      My younger brother, my only sibling, took his life 30 years ago.
      To this day, my parents refused to say what actually happened. They tell everyone that he died of cancer.

      I was very uncomfortable keeping up that ruse. I let my friends and those closest to me know the truth. I went on to become an RN hoping to help people somehow in their lives.
      But it has been a lonely life for me missing my only sibling; never getting a chance to be somebody’s Aunt and not having an uncle for my children.
      And the pain never goes away ….

      • HeyThere! says:

        JennyJenny, big big hugs to you. I am so sorry.

      • Wren says:

        When I took a family member to the ER for threatening suicide, the RN on duty was the most compassionate person. She CARED. She was busy of course with multiple patients but I don’t know how I would have made it through that day without her. She took the time to really talk to me and made sure I ate, and I wasn’t even her patient. It made a difference. It mattered. So, even though that RN probably was not you, just know that you guys do help.

      • ChillyWilly says:

        Jennyjenny, I get what you are saying. I lost my brother (only sibling as well) to a heroin overdose. He was beautiful and talented and only 29. I always tell people exactly how he died because my brother was sick with addiction. He wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t a loser or a scumbag. He was just sick. I am not ashamed of him. The way he died was tragic and devastating, but it is not shameful and to lie about it implies that it is.

  7. Brunswickstoval says:

    I think it’s unfair to say her family response to this is a “mess”. They are doing what they can to survive possibly one of the most if not the most difficult situations any family can find themselves in. I cannot imagine trying to handle this in public. It’s impossible to make sense of it privately.

    • tracking says:

      +1 The fact that the media ran with the estranged sister’s remarks, and the contents of the suicide note, is beyond the pale.

    • Christin says:

      This was an example of family who knew the least, being the first to speak out. And apparently no one vetted the sister and just ran with her version.

      It’s terrible enough to suddenly lose a spouse/parent, without having “family” mouthpieces taking over the narrative.

    • Christin says:

      This was an example of family who knew the least, being the first to speak out. And apparently no one vetted the sister and just ran with her version.

      It’s terrible enough to suddenly lose a spouse/parent, without having “family” mouthpieces taking over the narrative.

    • Wren says:

      I don’t think it’s a mess either. It’s actually an articulate and compassionate statement from a man who must be absolutely reeling.

  8. AG-UK says:

    The family should have said no comment and let the husband speak if he felt he needed to make a statement.

    • Brunswickstoval says:

      There is no guidebook that comes with handling suicides. This is unfair. My brother was separating from his partner when he took his own life and her thoughts would not have been wanted by my family in any way.

  9. Grandmasutra says:

    It’s hard to say but, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were divorcing, if the sister was paid by the husband to release her “depression” statement. Every family has secrets I suppose.

  10. Shannon says:

    I’m appalled also that the note was leaked (if it’s even accurate). I felt dirty after reading that. I don’t know her from Adam besides what I’ve read in magazines and Wikipedia. But I did look at pictures of her (tbh, mostly just to see her clothes, not to be morbid) and what stuck out to me was, in recent photos, her eyes were never smiling, and it takes a lot for me to notice that. It looked exactly the way I smile when I’m supposed to smile but I’m not happy at all. She looked sad. I’m so sad for her and her family and especially her daughter.

  11. ChillyWilly says:

    Dear God. I was so disgusted that the police leaked the note to TMZ. I am speechless that Kate’s daughter and husband have not been able to read it yet! How is that possible? I can’t imagine having to go through this trauma with the media spreading private details all over the internet. So sad for Kate and her family.

    • DragonWise says:

      My fiancé’s best friend took his own life last year, so I unfortunately know how this could happen. The note is “evidence” that is part of the police investigation, until they rule that it was indeed suicide. The note wasn’t released to the family until almost two weeks after he passed, but in this case, they were informed that a note existed, just not what it said. Apparently, some scumbag on the force leaked Kate’s note to TMZ before the investigation was complete and the note could be released to the family. That person has some serious bad karma to deal with.

      • ChillyWilly says:

        DragonWife, that is truly awful. I can’t imagine knowing my loved one left a note and having to wait that long to read it.

    • LadyT says:

      TMZ pays for information. It could have been anyone at the scene. It’s a stretch to blame police.

      • tracking says:

        TMZ specifically wrote “according to law enforcement sources” when revealing the contents of the note. I’m disgusted, too.

  12. Layla says:

    The husband’s statement is not siting right with me. It’s like he’s trying to downplay what was clearly an unbearable situation for Kate. As if they were some happy little co-parenting family and everything was just fine.

    • HelloSunshine says:

      I have depression and when I was suicidal, nobody knew. Everyone was shocked when I went into treatment because I put on facade so people would leave me alone. It’s very possible that he didn’t know and that she seemed to be improving, especially if they were living apart at the time.

    • Millenial says:

      Well to him, it probably did seem that way. He’s coping with the suicide of his wife, the realization that he will be single parenting for the rest of his life, and that his daughter will suffer and grow up without a mother. He’s still trying to figure it out. Give him some grace.

    • Kermit the Gorf says:

      I suspect he wanted to talk about the positive things in his statement, he clearly cared very much about Kate.

    • Veronica says:

      People with mental illness have to live life, too. That means wearing enough of a social mask to function. Sometimes that means, unfortunately, becoming an expert at pretending things are all right when they’re not.

      • ChillyWilly says:

        Definitely. She may have been pretending to feel better to try and save their marriage. Some people are really good at faking it.

    • Cate says:

      I went through fairly severe post-partum depression. My husband had no idea for MONTHS, just how bad it was, until I snapped and had a total crying screaming breakdown and tried to hit him. Prior to that, I seemed to be managing everything fine and he thought we were doing fantastic. I remember he would start going on about how we were doing so great as new parents and wasn’t it wonderful how we had our shit together and I would just be screaming inside “NO NO NO I AM A MESS DON’T YOU SEE????” After I started therapy I started trying to share with him more how I had been feeling and the stuff I had been doing to “cope” and even then it took a while before he really started to get it. I remember telling him that I had been sneaking out of the office and walking around crying in the afternoons because I just felt so hopeless and didn’t know what to do with myself and his response was “wow, I had no idea”. Or a few months after starting therapy, I found a journal I had been trying to keep during a really low period and there was an entry listing everything I had eaten during a binge episode (some people turn to alcohol when they are depressed, I turned to pizza, cake, and ice cream). He was in shock (honestly, looking back at it now, so am I…). My husband is a lovely, caring man and he still just had no clue. I think for a lot of people it’s really hard to communicate just how paralyzing depression is. And on the flip side, for friends and loved ones it’s hard to wrap your head around how what’s going on in someone’s mind can be so at odds with the image they present to the world.

  13. HelloSunshine says:

    I hope Andy Spade sues the pants off of the police department and TMZ. They obviously leaked it, isn’t that illegal??

  14. maxine ducamp says:

    There is a wonderful NPR podcast called “How I Build This” that features interviews with those who started successful businesses. Kate and Andy Spade were interviewed in January 2018 and it’s a great listen. It gives great insight into how and why they started the business, what they faced, how they almost quit after the first year even though they’d had some success, and why they ultimately sold it in the end. It’s a positive counterpoint to all the sad and gruesome details leaking out about Kate’s death. Here’s the link:

    • Ashley says:

      Thank you for sharing the link!

    • AMA1977 says:

      This segment is being re-aired this weekend, Saturday at 9 CST on my local station. Check your local NPR affiliate to see when they air “How I Built This.”

  15. rabbitgirl says:

    I cannot, CANNOT, believe that TMZ published that note. That note was from a mother to her child. I can’t even. And whomever leaked it needs to be flogged!!!

    As to the statement by the husband: I have had two friends commit suicide in college. And both were suddenly very happy right before they did it. The reason is, they were at peace because in their minds they found a way out of the darkness. I don’t blame him at all for her death. But I think people need to understand that a person struggling with depression who is suddenly “fine” is a person who needs to be closely monitored.

    Finally, maybe there should be a post on this, but David Spade posted such heartbreaking sentiments the last few days. He is utterly devastated.

    • likeafox says:

      @ Rabbitgirl: Great points. The technical term for what you described is called suicide euphoria. A person has made a decision to die by suicide, and they are happy and relieved as a result. As a therapist, I’ve seen it a few times, and it’s always chilling. I remember someone once told me, right before they took their own life: “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I think everything is going to be okay from now on.”

      Can’t stress enough to everyone that if you know someone is suffering from depression, if you notice a sudden behavior shift from obviously depressed to peaceful, content or happy, it is time to talk to them. It’s a cause for serious concern.

      • rabbitgirl says:


        I had no idea this had a name. Thanks so much for your input. Ditto on your last paragraph.

  16. Taxi says:

    Some people mask their depression so well that even their closest friends and family household members don’t see it until the attempt at ultimate self-harm, which is tragically sometimes successful.

    I’m sure that Ms. Spade hid the depth of her depression from her child and did sound normal and happy when the were together, until she simply couldn’t bear her own pain any longer. This is a tragedy & whoever in the NYPD or County Medical Examiner’s office who leaked details deserves firing (+ any other possible karmic punishment.)

    It”s sad that Kate’s doctors weren’t able to better gauge the risk & take stronger steps to help her. Her facade may have been so good that no one realized how ill she was. I don’t fault Andy. The strain of living with a (self-described) neurotic with major anxiety & depression issues can be so tiring & draining that living apart may have been necessary to maintain his own health.
    Hopefully their daughter utilizes all the family & professional help possible to process this trauma & grief. The invasion of that child’s privacy is inexcusable.

  17. Danielle says:

    Queen maxima sister ines has committed suicide too

  18. frankly says:

    preempt by saying I’m on decent drugs now so I’m ok -

    But when I’ve gone through suicidal episodes it has had nothing to do with anything that is going on around me or my relationships or finances. It’s almost like a completely separate emotion. I picture like a color wheel with happy, sad, angry, tired, commit suicide, depressed, content… Like, it can just spring up at any time. (Or could. I’m taking action.) I thought about this a lot after Chris Cornell’s suicide. It just pops into your head like, oh, time to commit suicide.

    Obvs. that’s not how it is for everyone. And being treated for anxiety and depression has helped, but it could be a day when I got a big paycheck and went out for sushi and laughed my ass off at some movie and I think, what a great day! Then my brain would say, we’re going to die now. I just dealt with it for a long time by saying back, “don’t be stupid – we’re not doing that.” But realized that the day would eventually come when I’m not able to shut it off like that, so I got help.

    Please don’t fry me for experiencing it a different way. It’s just how I feel the switch can flip and someone who seems on top of the world can suddenly be gone.

    • frankly says:

      Sorry to have said like so many times – obviously distancing mechanism is obvious.

    • minx says:

      I absolutely agree.

    • Christin says:

      The color wheel analogy will stay in my memory as an example of how random those thoughts can be.

      While briefly on a prescription that was later revealed to cause suicidal thoughts, I experienced the color wheel one time. I was watching TV alone, and just out of the blue a voice in my head said to just end it. It was startling in how direct and clear it was. Fortunately, I realized there was no way I was going to act on that thought. However, had I been depressed or had troubling things in my life at that moment, I might have reacted differently.

  19. Renee says:

    There is a special place in hell for the low life’s at TMZ.

  20. DIRTNAP says:

    So there is a story on the Daily Mail that shows photos of what are believed to be Andy leaving his apartment wearing a mouse mask and toting a bright yellow backpack. If that is Andy, can someone explain why he might do this? Is it a middle finger to the paps or is it the way he might be dealing with grief? Masks in general make me feel unsettled, so I’m trying not to project. I’d rather hear your voices of reason on this one.

    • Tourmaline says:

      I agree, the mouse mask is unsettling. I can’t blame him at all though of course if it is a deliberate middle finger to the paps outside his building.

      • JP says:

        Can you imagine being photographed every time you stepped outside only because you just lost your wife and your daughter just lost her mom? The paparazzi should be ashamed too. We don’t need pictures of this family right now. They’ve done nothing news worthy. They are grieving.

  21. RspbryChelly says:

    He’ll have to deal with questions he won’t Have answers to to his daughter everyday. Ugh. I’d be beyond myself if I were him. What a thing to do to people you love. Before anyone comes @ me, my sensitivity level to suicide is very low. As I stated yesterday I’ve had 3 loved ones decide it was their right to commit suicide while the rest of us reeled in the aftermath. Anyway, hoping THEY can find some kind of peace over this…somehow. Be strong baby girl

  22. Anastasia says:

    I refuse to read that note and TMZ should burn in hell. I HATE that organization. SCUM.

    So that poor girl has to deal with her mother’s suicide AND her note being published. Just disgusting.

    • Aud says:

      I’m with you. I’ve refused to look up any info about this beyond this site. I don’t want to support that kind of “reporting.” We can disparage them all day and night, but if we give them clicks we’re supporting them.

  23. Elizabeth says:

    Depression is terrible and I wish people understood more about it. Life circumstances can make it worse but they rarely make it better. I’ve been depressed literally as long as I can remember. I have a particularly nasty form in that my endorphins do not function properly. I don’t feel pleasure, I don’t have fun, I don’t enjoy myself. It’s been this way my whole life. A great day for me is getting to take Tylenol PM after breakfast and sleeping all day. That’s my life. I’ve tried literally every treatment option available and some not yet on the market and nothing has helped. Anyone who judges someone who commits suicide should live in a depressed person’s head for a day and then see how they feel. I’m perceived as being weak for having depression when I get out of bed every day, I go to work, I take care of my 14 rescue dogs, and I do it being in pain the entire time. I think compassion for people with mental illnesses is getting better, but until we stop acting like suicide is selfish and a moral failing things will not improve.

    • RspbryChelly says:

      I don’t think of you as weak for having depression. Being able to wake up & see another day may not always be easy but you’re still here. And There’s nothing weak about that

    • Anika says:

      Elizabeth: I think I understand how you feel. The only good part of the day for me is right before I get to go to sleep—or rather, when I’m asleep. I have not felt joy or contentedness or any sense of fun since I was 12, over 20 years ago. Every med on the market and some off it, as well, I’ve tried, even shock treatment. Nothing works. Most people have “episodes” of depression, but I am always deeply depressed. If it’s any help, there are depression support groups in which I’ve met a few people who suffer the same way, and have made friends there. Please know you are very brave, holding a job and going forward: you’re heroic. Try to reach out online through depression support groups: there aren’t many like us, but there are some people who do understand. To feel understood is a comfort, for me. I hope you can find comfort there too.

  24. NYC_girl says:

    I was in the hospital across the street from their building and unfortunately watched them take her body out. It was horrible and a nurse and I cried.

  25. Doglover says:

    First comment on this site despite reading it daily for a year now and especially enjoying the intelligent comments and debate.
    I have been thinking about Kate Spade´s suicide and her husband´s statement. I am deeply bothered by the amount of private information her husband has shared in his note, I find it to betray his duties as a spouse in a very disturbing way. Furthermore, it is completely unnecessary and only opens up the debate further with these new salacious details as to her depression, pill taking, demons etc…
    The reason I believe he is behaving in this manner is due to his guilt for what I believe was him leaving her and wanting to restart his life without her. I think this situation was unwanted by her, brought her tremendous grief and probably sent her over the edge. He knows this and is oversharing in order to absolve himself publicly, but noyone has even accused him! He is doing this proactively due to his guilty conscience. In acting this way, he is sullying her reputation even further and unwittingly participating in the messy aftermath of this sad event which will likely haunt his daughter forever. He should be worried about her instead of trying to making himself look better by throwing Kate under the bus. Ok, now I feel better.