Queen Elizabeth encounters her greatest enemy, a Scottish pony who poops a lot

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Queen Elizabeth II is not “above” a petty beef. She didn’t care for Margaret Thatcher. She was irritated by Camilla Parker Bowles for years. I bet she’s had a few choice words for Thomas Markle and Samantha Grant too. But who knew that all this time, the Queen’s greatest enemy might be a small Scottish pony? The Queen LOVES horses. She loves all animals, but there’s a special place in her heart for dogs and horses. Dogs and horses respect their queen as well. Except for Cruachan IV, an anti-monarchist, Scottish separatist pony who sh-ts in the Queen’s general direction.

As she starts her summer vacation at Balmoral, her castle in the Scottish Highlands, Queen Elizabeth II still had a job to do: inspecting the Royal Regiment of Scotland. She walked slowly by the troops in a sky blue suit, carefully eyeing each soldier. Then, came its mascot: a pony named Cruachan IV. In apparent greeting, he delivered a pile of manure.

“Here we are again,” she reportedly said to the Shetland pony, appearing to hold her nose.

Queen Elizabeth adores horses. She breeds them, rides them, and cheers them on with vigor at the Royal Ascot. But Cruachan IV is another story. We don’t want to say a horse “disrespects” Queen Elizabeth. Because, after all, he’s a horse—he doesn’t know that the woman standing before him is the longest-reigning monarch of a powerful country, or that she’s one of the most famous people in the world. But still, he’s not exactly on his best behavior.

Last July, when Queen Elizabeth walked past him at Stirling Castle, he tried to take a big chomp out of her bouquet of posies. “Go away!” she scolded. Later that summer, they met again. At first, everything seemed to be okay. The Queen walked by him, and he just stood there. But once she turned his back, he let out a big neigh. The Daily Mail reports that in 2014 he “rolled his top lip back as the Queen approached him.”

[From Vogue]

I started laughing at “Here we are again” and I haven’t stopped laughing since. Even now, I have tears streaming down my face at the Queen’s dry retort to Cruachan IV dropping a monstrous dump just feet away from her pristine blue coat. I think the “we” is what makes it so witty, like the Queen knows that she and Cruachan IV are locked in a bitter, sh-tty dance that will destroy them both. This feud is Shakespearean. Incidentally, this is the same republican separatist pony who tried to take a bite out of Prince Harry earlier this year, when Harry took Meghan up to Scotland for her first trip. I’m shocked that the pony didn’t take a dump on the ginger one too.

In any case, do you think Cruachan IV has some kind of political agenda? Or is he just all about that PONY LYFE and he knows no one can touch him, not even Her Maj?

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Photos courtesy of Getty.

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44 Responses to “Queen Elizabeth encounters her greatest enemy, a Scottish pony who poops a lot”

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  1. Jane says:

    Flower chomping and pooping pony aside, I am living for her Majesty’s blue outfit. That hat is just gorgeous!

  2. Abby says:

    Hahahaha. Ponies can be such turds. I’m a lifetime horse lover. This is so funny.

    • audfhauio says:

      they totally can, the cheeky little shits

    • Jan90067 says:

      Hysterically. And I love that HM has such a great sense of humour about it 😂. This made my morning… this, and the fact that the Hollywood Walk of Fame is being asked to remove Dump’s star hahahahaha!!!

    • raincoaster says:

      Indeed, ponies are cute as hell, and that’s exactly where they are from.

  3. Clare says:

    Cruachan IV is a #Lad

  4. TheHufflepuffLizLemon says:

    Ponies dgaf. I had a Shetland growing up that would unlock gates with his teeth and get loose or break into the feed room and take the walking horses with him. We finally had to get the special screw close chains-it was either that or padlock everything, not really practical in barns and stables.

    I love this pony plotting his next move and telling all his horsey friends: watch this.

    • Laur says:

      Shetlands are SO cheeky. I debated getting one but wasn’t sure I could handle a sassy character if I got one that turned out to be naughty. Love them though.

  5. OriginalLala says:

    hahaha I work with rescued horses, mules, and mini-horses on the weekends and this story cracks me up! Our mini horse likes to poop on my foot while I pet her, it’s our thing. I like to think it’s her way of telling me she loves me :)

  6. Becks1 says:

    Hahahaha I love this story. Maybe not as much as you Kaiser (I’m not crying from laughter lol) but its a great story. The pony clearly is not a fan of the royal family ;-)

    • Snazzy says:

      I have shared this story with so many people today. I can’t stop laughing. “like the Queen knows that she and Cruachan IV are locked in a bitter, sh-tty dance that will destroy them both.” LOLOLOL

  7. Medusa says:

    That pony is an asshole and I love it. He seems to hate anyone with Windsor-blood.

  8. Babs says:

    Team pony. Get them Cruachan!

  9. MattyLove says:

    Ponies always bring the sass. I’m here for it! One of our ponies loved to catch you when you weren’t looking and nip your tush. He also liked to let the cows out and then stay put in the pasture like “I don’t know how THAT happened” while the cows ran amock. He also loves to torment the sheep and then hide behind the big horses when the ram came after him. Little turd. You keep doing you, Cruachan!!

  10. fifee says:

    P’ing myself at the Queen telling wee Cruachan to “Go away” when he tries to eat the flowers. Feisty wee Scottish thing haha!

  11. L84Tea says:

    Cruachan hasn’t forgiven the English for the Battle of Culloden.

  12. EnnuiAreTheChampions says:

    This is an A++++ story. I love everything about it.

  13. Laura says:

    Thank you so much. This is such a ridiculous story, and I love it! This is the kind of laughter we need. Please keep us updated on this rascal!! :-D

  14. Malachite says:

    So great. Ponies are a**holes. In the video did the man taking the queen around to inspect tell her “gentle” after she told off the rude lil’ pony? Like maybe he was afraid HM might start beating the pony round the head with her half-eaten bouquet? ;)

  15. Upstate Diva says:

    Hahahahahaha! I love this dramatic saga.

  16. Amelie says:

    I used to horse back ride and just like any animal, horses and ponies have very distinct personalities. Some are chill and will just stand there and let you pet them, some are high strung, some are sassy and cheeky like this one. I have to give props to the handler for keeping the little rascal under control.

    Speaking of horses, this reminds me of that horse during Meghan and Harry’s wedding procession in their carriage ride. There was a horse in front of them (not one pulling the carriage) who was clearly very overwhelmed by all the people and the noise and he was clearly acting out, tossing his head and prancing in place, just not wanting to cooperate. That rider managed to keep the horse under control the entire ride and I was VERY impressed by his level of horsemanship to keep the horse in check. When a horse gets spooked, they can take off with you on them and things can get out of control really fast. I wanted to shake the rider’s hand, he was so good.

    • Dara says:

      Honestly, watching that horse was the only thing that kept me from crawling back into bed once the ceremony was over. It was a cliffhanger to see if horse and rider would make it all the way back to palace without completely losing their sh*t.

      I also loved that the horse next to it was perfectly behaved the entire time (and ridden by a woman, IIRC). I never even saw it toss its head or break stride. I kept imagining that horse giving a silent lecture to its coworker, “My God, would you just calm the f*ck down. Get a grip, it’s just some bunting and a few drunk old ladies waving flags. You know your ancestors went to actual WAR right? They didn’t freak out as much as you are doing right now, and they were dealing with machine guns and mustard gas. Bloody hell.”

      • spidee!!! says:

        Apparently the household cavalry riders are trained to move their horses on either side, if there are any, in towards the one that is acting up or stressed to give it less room to move about and calm it down.

      • Snazzy says:

        “it’s just some bunting and a few drunk old ladies waving flags. You know your ancestors went to actual WAR right?” I’M DYING

      • Dara says:

        @Snazzy, it may have just been sleep deprivation on my part – it was literally the middle of the night in my time zone – but I amused myself greatly doing a running commentary of the procession as the better-behaved horse. He really could not have done a better job – but of course it was Sir Buckets of Crazy freaking out alongside that got all the attention. https://troton.com/blogs/articles/item/1161-excited-windsor-grey-at-the-royal-wedding

    • Betsy says:

      How is it possible that such a nervous horse was in the wedding parade? I know they can’t totally test real world conditions, but don’t ghey select them pretty carefully? Or did something set it off?

      • Laur says:

        They’re super highly trained, but at the end of the day they’re big prey animals with relatively small brains and sometimes things can set them off. Sometimes my horse will spook at something he has passed a million times before for no apparent reason, and he’s super chill. They’re just quirky animals.

        One of my fave clips of the queen is her riding side saddle down the Mall when an IRA bomb goes off, she really showed what a horsewoman she is.

      • Snazzy says:

        It was all part of his master plan to get accepted and then make a scene. Its a republican conspiracy :)

      • Veronica S. says:

        Somebody once described horses to me as a “giant anxiety couch with legs and bad eyesight,” and I feel like that’s likely an astute description.

  17. Who ARE These People? says:

    Love the imperious way the Queen talks to animals while still recognizing them as peer creatures.

  18. Jem says:

    I treasure this story, and you for writing about it, Kaiser.

  19. Fluffy Princess says:

    “Here we are again.” I love this! I love that the Queen stands her ground though and it’s a “grudge match” in the cutest possible way! A++++ on this story!

  20. Blanster says:

    This is my favorite story of the week. Moar Queen and moar Scottish ponies please!

  21. Molly Fulton says:

    I totally heard “here we are again” like Jerry Seinfeld when he says “Newman”.

  22. Max says:

    Her skin is flawless and that blue! Heavenly.

  23. CSaves says:

    They should rename the pony “Samantha Markle”

  24. Lilly says:

    Thank you for this story. Needed it.

  25. raincoaster says:

    If he wasn’t a gelding before, he is now.

  26. Lilag says:

    This put a smile on my face. I had no idea I needed this story in my life and it made my day. I’m still giggling at the republican pony

  27. feralchild says:

    OMG the pony handler being tomato red with embarrassment for Cruachan’s behavior is just the best!!!