Trigger warning: this is my personal story of an assault
I am 45 years old and I’ve worked as a professional gossip blogger for over twelve years. At the age of 13, sometime in the fall, I snuck out of the house to meet a friend who lived around the corner. We would regularly sneak out together on weekend nights. She was a year older than me and sexually active. I had only kissed a boy before that night. Two men picked us up in a van, a teen boy and a 30 year-old tennis coach from a nearby city. They drove us to a lake where the tennis coach assaulted me while my friend and the other boy made out in the back. I froze and did not scream or fight back. At one point he was considering whether to rape me but decided against it after I told him I was a virgin. My friend later told me that the tennis coach was fired from his job for having a relationship with a sixteen-year-old girl.
For over thirty years I tried to forget that night. Until recently I did not tell anyone, not any of the four therapists I’ve seen through the years, not any of my friends, not my parents and not the man I was married to for over a decade. I didn’t even say #metoo last year. I knew the incident would fall in that category but I was not raped and considered myself lucky. A few months ago I told my mother. Earlier this week I called my dad to tell him before I tweeted about what happened to me. I’ve also spoken to close friends and family about it.
Watching the hearings yesterday was extremely hard. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford was a perfect witness and a f’ing hero. By coming forward, she taught me that my attack mattered, that it affected my life and relationships profoundly, and that I was dealing with trauma. I watched the hearings until the break at 12:40. There was no doubt that she was completely earnest about her attack. Throughout I was crying and shaking. After that I had moments where I stared into space, could not focus on anything, and could not make small decisions. I felt detached and didn’t know what was happening. A friend took me for a drive, I came out of it within a few hours and tuned in to hear Lindsey Graham ranting about how unfair the process was.
Republican white men behaved despicably yesterday. They repeatedly ranted about the very concerning and credible allegations against a man who will get a lifetime appointment on the Supreme Court. They apologized over and over to Kavanaugh and his family and they made a rapist out to be a victim. Dr. Ford was the epitome of grace as she answered ridiculous questions about the night in question and about her fear of flying. Kavanaugh was unhinged, angry and does not have the temperament for the Supreme Court. He kept interrupting senators and asking them if they liked beer for God’s sake!
I know so many of us have gone through similar experiences and dealt with extreme trauma. Yesterday was very hard for so many of us. I am still coming to terms with what happened to me. I will never forget Dr. Ford’s bravery and I will never forget the way that so many Republican senators ranted and defended a rapist candidate to the highest court in the land.
Hearing about sexual violence in the media and online can be very difficult for survivors and their loved ones. Remember to take care of yourself during these times. Below is a thread of resources:
— RAINN (@RAINN) September 24, 2018
I was assaulted at 13 by a 30 year-old man. I've tried to forget it for over 30 years and didn't tell any of my 4 therapists. The only people I've told were mother earlier this year and my father today. I blamed myself for sneaking out of the house with a friend #WhyIDidntReport
— celebitchy (@celebitchy) September 26, 2018
photos credit: Avalon.red
Am sorry to hear about your experience and I hope that you can heal. I have had several MeToo moments over the years and yesterday brought back memories I’d rather not have.
Don’t forget that said process Miss Lindsay (thanks Data Loungers) ranted about was created by the Republicans, who then tried to pin it on the Dems like it was all their fault. Am glad they pushed back on that and kept repeating the mantra of an FBI investigation – which clearly kept triggering the Virgin Rapist, he twitched every time it was mentioned.
The gaslighting by the Repugs yesterday was incredible. They were all on Fox raging at the “sham” and “scam” that the Democrats were allegedly pulling. They were basically calling Dr. Ford a liar, as if a professional woman would put her livelihood and even her life on the line for a lie designed for others’ political gain.
I am so sorry for your trauma. Me too. Vote the Blue Wave in November.
+1 x 1000
Celebitchy, Thank you for sharing this … my story is similar to yours. Dr. Ford is my hero.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I was assaulted at 22, I was having sex with a man and he removed the condom without asking me, when i noticed I told him to stop and that i was not having sex with him without a condom. He didn’t listen, pinned me, kept going and came inside me. I knew what he did wasn’t right but I didn’t know it was assault until last year (10 years later!) it had a lasting impression on me and made me feel like I had no right to control my body when it came to sex, that a man had the right to do what he wanted because I was not in control.
I am so sorry this happened to you. All the positive, healing vibes to you.
The same thing happened to me, too. I didn’t report it because I felt that because I had consented to the initial sex act (with a condom), I had no recourse after he refused to put on a condom. That was 20 years ago and it still bothers me.
Sometimes we agree to things we know we can’t escape to get them over with. It doesn’t make it any less painful than had it been different.
Wrapping my arms around you. Thank you for your courage to speak about what happened to you. #metoo
despite everything, i’m glad to have a digital brethren in CeleBitchy. i couldn’t comment at all yesterday but i read everyone of the comments posted on the threads. i was alternating between deep sadness and deep gratitude and honor to witness Dr Ford, to read every personal account on the comments, of strong women coming forward. i was a bit useless yesterday, but thank you everyone.
Thank you for sharing your story Celebitchy. And continuing to write when some days it’s got to be so hard.
Yesterday, and so much of Trump’s presidency has been hard for all women and sexual assault survivors. As a survivor myself, I’m holding you and all survivors in my heart. Today, I hold Anita Hill in my heart, and the amazing Dr. Ford also. I especially send love to American women. You have to live under this white supremacist and misogynistic dictatorship right now. I hope your agony will end soon. Women around the world are in solidarity with you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I applaud you for your courage for telling your story. You must have been so scared in that moment. Yesterday was emotional. It was telling just where we are in the world, and how much louder we still need to be. Our voices are getting louder. Your story is part of that sound wave. Herstory is in the making. Xo
Thank you so much for sharing your story CB. I am so sorry that happened to you and that you have carried the burden of that experience alone for all this time. Just like Dr. Ford, your bravery in sharing your story has and will be an important lifeline to those of us with similar stories; a reminder that we are not alone.
I may come back later, once my children are off for naps, to share my own. This is all so hard, but I am hopeful that all of this openness will mean that they are less likely to experience the same and that they will be more likely to speak up and not live in shame or fear should they ever witness or experience it for themselves.
I’m sorry celebitchy, not telling anyone after it happened is so telling. The shame we take on when someone assaults us is hard to shake.
I would give anything to know what Graham and Trump discussed during that golf game they had months ago. “Miss Thing” did a complete about face on Trump and immediately started shilling for him and turned into huge partisan hack. I’ve always wondered if Trump has a pee pee adjacent tape or something closet related on Lindsay and has threatened to drop a dime
I’ll say it..I think he’s the next Kevin Spacey and I don’t mean as an actor.
I’ve been suspecting that Russia or someone has dirt on Graham. He really changed his tune and has been going above and beyond for Trump. It’s disgusting, and I hope somehow, someday, he pays for it.
I’m so sorry…#metoo and I don’t know that I’ll ever tell my story. ever.
Whether you choose tell your story or not, I wish you strength and healing.
You don’t have to.
Either way, we here are all with you.
I’m so sorry.
Whatever happens, I hope you and everyone who have suffered through this kind of abuse know that sharing their stories have meant so much to so many people.
Thank you for sharing. So many on here have revealed very personal experiences that undoubtedly shaped their lives.
For me, the attacks on her fear of flying hit home. I am not crazy about flying, but driving (particularly on interstates) is my challenge. I’ve hidden it from all but a couple of people for 25 years. But I do drive every day, just like Dr. Ford can board a jet. That doesn’t mean she isn’t anxious. It was really insulting to see people picking that apart, too. It stems from the traumatic event she endured.
Thank you CB. Every woman that shares their story pulls us forward even though the powers that be want to hold us back.
And thank you for providing this safe place where people can discuss issues all across the board. You made an amazing decision in 2016 to make this site about more than just gossip. I don’t often comment on the political posts, but believe me I read them (and all the comments by the wonderful community here).
Thank you. #metoo
Love and hugs to you, CB. You’re so brave. X
Thank you for sharing your story with us ❤
I remember the names and faces if every man who has made me feel ‘lesser ‘, I remember their laughter and I remember their opinions of my body and my sexuality. Yesterday was difficult for many of us (my mom shared her #MeToo story and I am heartbroken). I am so grateful to have this site and community of women who share my pain and frustration. We will get thru this. We will be stronger. This will not break us. ❤❤❤
Oh, how sorry I am for your mother. I have wondered how many of our friends and relatives who have already gone, had stories that went to the grave with them?
I am so sorry Celebitchy. I have been postponing this case as I am not in the US.
I finally listened to her statement but cannot bring myself yet to listen to that man’s voice. It’s too hard.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, thank you for all you do in your writing and building a community here. It matters. You matter. Take care, I think today might be another rough one…
Yes, this. This right here.
And, my wish for all of us today and in coming weeks:
May we surround each other with good thoughts and hope, and for anyone who is faltering for any reason, may you feel lifted by this web of kindness and decency and integrity.
<3
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I am proud of you for claiming ownership over the story and taking it back through words, both verbally and written. I hope you know that you did nothing wrong, you were a kid doing what thousands of other kids have done, and nowhere in that scenario did that mean he had the permission to do what he did. I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell anyone. I hope
That by speaking about it you can start to move forward with it – I’m not sure if we ever really get past these things – and begin to heal. We are all here for you.
i m sorry 4 what you ve been trough!🤗🤗🤗🤗 u are a warrior!❤ #metoo
❤️❤️❤️so sorry and thank you for sharing your brave words
None of it was your fault. You are a survivor and are incredibly tough for telling us and adding to the chorus of voices. Thank you for making us all collectively stronger.
Someone said it first on Twitter and it rang so true, I’m repeating it here- if she had behaved like he did, if she had raved and cried and used her children as emotional props- well we all know how that would be labeled.
She was awesome PERIOD
He was so entitled and thought so highly of himself (and beer apparently) I found myself sneering right back at him the entire time he spoke.
So true. She was amazing and Kavanaugh made an absolute ass of himself. Shame on him and the Republican Party for puttting this man forward as a Supreme Court nominee.
Love to you CB. So sorry you were hurt like that. It must be so difficult to tell the world, you are incredibly brave. X
Any woman who watched these events yesterday and woke up today thinking her future wasn’t in question is a fool. They don’t care about you. They never will. You will never be part of the boy’s club. They will underpay you, they will degrade you, they will rape you, and at the end of the day, they will call themselves the victim if you call them on it. Any woman who votes Republican in November is putting the noose around her own neck. Nobody will feel sorry for you when the trap door is released. You picked your side. Reap it. I no longer have the patience for understanding.
I’m sorry you lived with this for over thirty years. I pray we build a society someday where victims aren’t characterized mainly by their fearful silence.
your first paragraph is brilliant and the truth.
Such a powerful post, Veronica. And it’s powerful because it is the absolute truth.
I am so sorry. I believe you and I feel for you.
When I was in my mid-teens – 15 I think – I worked in the snack bar of the local rink. A janitor, who was in his late 20s, had been flirting with me that day. I didn’t know how to handle it. I don’t know if I flirted back, but for years I assumed I did and that was why he attacked me.
First, he pulled me into the deserted gym and into an even more secluded equipment room. He pushed me against the wall and started kissing and grinding on me. A boy my age who worked as a rink rat, followed us and interrupted. He said later that he did that because of the look on my face while my attacker pulled me away.
Later, the snack bar was all closed up and my attacker came in with his mop. He locked the door behind himself and bent me back over the chocolate bars, trying to push his tongue into my mouth.
I can’t remember how I got away. I called my boyfriend and he told me to tell. So I called my parents. The police were called. My dad and the two officers convinced me not to press charges. He was fired and that was punishment enough. What he did wasn’t bad enough to be taken seriously by the courts, and besides, the courts would ask me all sorts of questions about what I did to make it happen. Etc. I droppes it and we all pretended it never happened.
Except for the people at work who blamed me for getting my attacker fired. They didn’t pretend it never happened. And the hero who stopped the first attack, we spoke about it once. But my parents and brother (who also worked there) never spoke of it again.
I’m so sorry the police and your coworkers didn’t give your experience the gravity it deserved. I believe you and believe it was a serious assault. I’m sorry your family didn’t want to talk about. I’m sending big hugs your way and hope you’re getting the support you deserve.
Flora you have no idea how powerful your words were for me. Just hearing someone describe it as an assault was so validating. I am in tears. Thank you for your support.
@CommentingBunny
I’ll say it again: it was an assault.
You were deprived of the sense of security everyone deserves. You did not give consent.
You are a survivor and an incredible human.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing, I know you’ve comforted and inspired many in doing so. You’re a hero too!
You’re an incredible blogger. Your words entertain. Your words are humorous. Your words are acerbic. Your words are succinct. Your words apprise, cultivate and accomplish. And today your words are poignant and brave. It isn’t only a conversation with others, it is the audible articulation itself. It is a colossal beast which hides deep within, and today you collared it, named it and sent it off to boarding school. I 💓 you.
I know this has been a long process for you CB, from the hints last year, to your recent followers closures. I’m happy you are at the point where you can share something so personal. It helps.
You didn’t deserve it, none of us did, but we can take that pain and make it our strength. Just like you have, by providing a safe space for women to share and explore the memories that surface from events like these.
Brava CB for your empathy, for your guys, for surviving. And brava to all the other brave women (and men) here who have survived. You are stronger than you know.
Laura Ingrahm has professed this to be the “Year of the Man.”I really havent had a me too moment but somehow i know what women who have gone thru this must be experincing.I literally could not sleep last night fearful this man will be confirmed without an investigatio n.This would be a collective finger from the Republican party to all women.Really,any woman who supports this must want to return to 1950.If he is rammed through this process we women need to march arm in arm to the ballot box in November and say ENOUGH!We women deserve to be respected and heard.Also,remember this conservative court is a product of two Presidents who did not win the popular vote
You are so brave for sharing your story as are all of you who have taken to social media or who have shared your story with family, friends, the public at large.
I consider myself lucky that I don’t have an assault story to share on me physically though I do have this one: a man exposed himself to me and masturbated on a train in my line of vision when I was 8 years old (or thereabouts) and I was too terrified to tell my parents who could not see him until after we safely got off the train and away from him. My parents were so upset, not at me for not telling because I was too paralyzed with fear to understand what was happening, but at the fact they were sitting feet from me and they had no idea what was going on. I can’t remember what the man looked like and the details have become foggy over the years but if someone ever makes me uncomfortable on public transportation for any reason, I move away and don’t sit there frozen in fear. And I don’t apologize if it’s considered rude or if I’m acting paranoid, I’d rather be safe than sorry. This isn’t a story I’ve hidden over the years, a lot of people around me know it and I share it because you should never feel like you have to sit there and pretend nothing is happening. Even if it’s not physical, your safety can still feel threatened.
I didn’t watch Ford’s testimony yesterday but I did tune in for Kavanaugh’s and he could barely keep it together. When I later learned Ford managed to keep it together, I was so proud of her for being so courageous to come forward and share her story.
I am so sorry
This is the part that gets me: “I blamed myself for sneaking out of the house with a friend.” Only a good, sweet child would take the blame for that. If we really were “sluts,” (and let me be clear, I don’t believe sluts exist), it would not cross our minds to take blame. So glad you shared, CB. Hope you can heal. Your sweet, young self deserves it.
+1
Thank you for sharing your story CB. Every act of courage like this shines more light on the darkness and makes it feel a little safer for the rest of us. And in this horrible time on the US, it seems like a great act of resistance.
Well said Birdix.
CB, I hope sharing this lightens your burden. Keep fighting the good fight.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Celebitchy. You, and this site, have helped me come to terms with what happened to me. I was sexually assaulted in a similar manner to Dr Blasey Ford 3 years ago, and have been feeling many kinds of shame and embarrassment ever since. Coming here each day to read everybody’s stories and perspectives has helped me understand both the simplicity and complexity of the situation: there were extenuating circumstances, but the guy/s knew I was vulnerable and took advantage of me anyway. Knowing that doesn’t make it ok, but it does relieve some of the burden. So thank you to everyone here for making things a little easier, and love to those dealing with their own experiences. 💞
Oh man, C/B I am so sorry and can only imagine how devastating that would be. It’s got to be so damn hard to even type this out, much less tell people. Every time you share your trauma you are reliving it, so I thank you so much for speaking out.
For many victims of assault, the betrayal they experience once they come forward is worse than the event. The victim blaming can last a lifetime if it comes from family members.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that it happened to you. I was assaulted when I was 18. It’s hard to forget.
I’m a dude and I was assaulted as a child and as an adult more than once. I have no idea who assaulted me as a child as I was pinned, facing a caravan thingy when it happened. I didn’t understand what was happening exactly but afterwards I went and told my mother because I thought it was funny. She did not find it funny. I’m pretty sure she hopes/thinks I don’t remember it and I don’t disabuse her of that as she can’t do anything about what happened except hurt.
As an adult, one of the times I was assaulted was in front of quite a lot of people including people I thought were friends, or at least friendly. They thought it was funny and walked off. I was left there being assaulted by someone half my size because if I did anything I thought the people around me, being drunk, would get the wrong end of the stick and come defend this wee girl’s honour and I would get beaten to death by a drunken mob.
I am proud of Dr Blasey Ford, I am in awe of the strength and courage she displayed in telling her story and I weep that I know her pain.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you Incredulous. This is a forum with a lot of women but there are men here too. And as we see with cases like Bryan Singar or Kevin Spacey it happens when men of power think they are entitled to hurt those weaker than them.
I’m sorry that happened to you and sorry you couldn’t talk or tell anymore for such a long period of time. It was obviously very painful to you and no one deserves to be treated like that, in any circumstance.
I have to say to all the victims out there, I feel pretty guilty having put myself in so many situations that could have gone so bad due to my irresponsible relationship with alcohol. I have only had one bad experience from poor choices, but the huge risk I put myself in hundreds of times it could have been so much worse. Thankfully only one has stuck out in my mind. I remind myself at how lucky I am daily. My aunt was at risk her addictions (drugs, alcohol, possible sex worker) and she was one of hundreds of murdered and missing indigenous women in my country. I wish I could help at least one at risk young girl with my story.
You are in a great position to help young girls. Contact your local women’s agency or agencies and see how you can help. Often they have speakers’ bureaus that train you to give talks in schools and community organizations. Sexual assault hotlines also train volunteers.
I am so sorry to hear about your aunt. I’m assuming you’re in Canada. Maybe you will find something to do in her honour.
I’m so sorry to hear that your aunt is one of the many missing and murdered indigenous women in our country. All my love
I am so sorrry for what must have been a truly terrifying experience and aftermath. You have been so brave to come forward and tell your story.
I was just barely 15. I went out with a boy I thought was cute, but lied to my parents that we were going to the movies when we went to his house for a party. There were about 10-12 people there. I knew one boy whom I had “gone steady” with one while in 8th grade.
My date tried to force sex and I escaped, upset. My friend took me out front to console me and then also assaulted me. I again escaped and decided to walk home (approx 3 miles, but I was a XC runner). Date for the evening came to get me and told me I’d get i trouble if I showed up at home as I was because my parents would know I lied. I accepted his ride, and on the way home he pulled down a dirt road and raped me. Then, after dropping me off at my house he threw condoms in my yard so that my parents questioned me about my morality the next day. I didn’t sleep for nearly a week, and one night as I trudged up the steps to try to tolerate another night of sleeplessness and nightmares, I caught my reflection in a gold-framed, oval-shaped mirror at the top of the steps. I looked like death. I opened my mouth and started screaming. I didn’t stop for hours.
A family friend who was an OBGYN examined me and tested me for pregnancy and STDs. I go the results some weeks later after having returned to my boarding school.
For 15 years that incident colored every relationship I had, and my attitude toward myself/self worth. I tolerated physical, sexual, verbal and financial abuse from my ex-husband for 12 years.
Survivors: if you can, please seek EMDR therapy. I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a provider (I thought I was having trouble concentrating at work; she correctly id’d PTSD). We were able to wipe out the negative lingering effects of my rape in three sessions. For some people this therapy is MIRACULOUS.
Hang in there.
I’m sorry this happened to you CB, I understand how hard it is to share. I was raped when I was 19 after having my drink spiked. I didn’t say anything to anyone, I was ashamed and embarrassed. I had a bad feeling about the company I was with but ignored it which I have always regretted. I didn’t handle it well afterwards and turned to alcohol. Eventually I reached a breaking point about 5 years later and ended up telling my mother. I felt extreme relief afterwards, I still have plenty of hang-ups but I think finally sharing the secret restored my sanity. Whilst my immediate family and close friends know about this I have never publicly shared the story even when the #metoo movement was happening. One of the saddest parts of telling my family was finding out that my older sister had also been sexually assaulted when she was a teenager. This happens far too often but hopefully becoming more open as a society will bring about a change.
Thank you for telling us (and the world), CB. It wasn’t your fault. It takes courage to get through assault and courage to live with the memory and courage to talk about it openly, knowing how little people care.
Most of the men in my family were violent, and yet I was blamed (and in my family, shunned) for coming forward about it — and it’s not like they could say I was drunk, in the wrong place at the wrong time, etc. I was just born into that situation and a girl.
Every shaming, minimizing, disconfirming comment thrown at Dr. Blasey Ford this past week I heard myself over the past few decades, from family members, friends and strangers alike. “Crazy.” “Sick.” “Someone put you up to it.” “They’re exploiting you.” “Your therapist implanted false memories.” “I can believe he did X but not Y.” “You’re in therapy, you have problems.” “He must have been a really good actor, because he seems so nice.” “Are you sure?” “When exactly did it happen, give us dates and times.” “Oh, everybody gets spanked.” “Why don’t you forgive, you’ll feel better” (this, without any apologies or acknowledgement) It goes on and on. There’s never any talk of justice – justice delayed, justice denied, justice owed me and other victims.
People, you never know the backstory of people you are talking to. You never know the influence you hold over others, especially young men and young women. Watch your mouths. Say “I believe you” and “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Make your support available and then shut up. Above all, raise boys better. And treat alcohol like the enabling drug that it is.
This week I had to deal with a *liberal* man who not only expressed his personal doubts about Dr Ford’s account, thinking he could CSI the situation ’cause he’s so smart, but also posted the early research on ‘false memories’ (wrongly exploited to discredit survivors who have objective evidence and eyewitnesses) and asserted that the 95% substantiation rate for sexual assault/rape could not be real, plus #notallmen. It was truly an oblivious feat of mansplaining. He’s a high school teacher with zero background in the social sciences and criminal justice system. A good Democrat. I know others who have viewed this as nearly being entertainment. I heard liberals undermine Dr Ford because they didn’t think highly enough of her school, and because she sought therapy.
We have a long way to go. America is not a great place for women.
“Every shaming, minimizing, disconfirming comment thrown at Dr. Blasey Ford this past week I heard myself over the past few decades, from family members, friends and strangers alike.”
First, let me say I am sorry for what happened to you.
I have never literally yelled at the TV before yesterday. The gaslighting by these old white dudes–the faux outrage and the “you destroyed ths man’s family!” crap–it made me seethe to the point of rage.
All of those overemotional gestures were designed to put guilt into the hearts of anyone who doubted Kavanaugh. It was so typically sociopathic, I thought I was going to puke at one point.
It reminded me of my childhood and the denial of abuse by my entire family. In my family, if you speak up, it gets turned around. You’ll get told, “how dare YOU make such false accusations! That was ALL IN YOUR HEAD. And let me tell you, the way YOU treat people, it’s no wonder no one in this family can stand YOU.”
Sorry for going on, but I really appreciate your comment. It reminded me that I’m not alone in being called “crazy” for telling the truth about the abuse. So yeah, please keep speaking your truth. You are helping more people than you know.
Thank you so much. You sound completely sane. I’m so sorry this happened to you and hope you can put some distance between yourself and your family in a way that’s comfortable and protective for you. Family ties are an accident of birth. Families that harbor abuse want to cover it up and need to undermine or expel anyone who exposes their shame and unlawful behavior. Funny how ‘reporting laws’ don’t seem to apply within a family system.
As for my ‘liberal’ friend of yesterday – in saying victim memory is ‘fallible’ and adding he thinks they can be entirely sincere in reporting abuse, he’s come down smack on the side of Lindsay (“I think it happened, just with someone else”) Graham. My question is whether to confront him with that, or use my time to take care of myself. He hasn’t responded to all my postings of actual statistics from law enforcement. Coward. Again people – one of the “good guys.” Some men think they’re just so smart. Entitlement, right?
Thank you for sharing your experience, for adding your voice to the growing chorus and for providing a forum for intelligent witty and principled discourse. Your blog reflects the sea change. What started out as gossip has now become a destination, a community. To have a lighthearted laugh, to vent, to opine, to share, to find compassion and friendship.
I’ve said it over and over lately, it applies here as well. Women. We get shit done.
Bravo.
When I was 19 I lived in an apartment building with my sister (who was out of town) and she had a giant bottle of wine in the fridge. I drank the whole bottle and was very drunk and locked myself out of the apartment. Our neighbor who was 55 and gay (but used to be married and had a daughter my age) came home and offered to drive me to the landlords house to get the spare apartment keys. He drove me to a gay bar instead and said that he just wanted to get a quick beer and not to worry he knew the bartender and he would let me in and serve me. Many beers later I’m puking in the bathroom and wanted to just go get the keys so I could be home already. He drives back to our apartments and said it was too late to get the keys and that I can sleep on his couch and in the morning we would get the keys. I was passed out on the couch and woke up to him over me and inside me, breathing heavily and sweat dripping all over me. He kept telling me to be quiet and how beautiful he thought I was. He finished and went to his room without a word and I laid there out of it. Next morning was complete silence to get the keys and was the longest car ride I’ve ever been on. I couldn’t unlock my apartment fast enough and avoided him the rest of the time I lived there.
I’m starting with an apology to my fellow commenters here that I’m chiming in without having read your posts. I’m in it rn hardcore and I promise I will read each of them later; I’ve felt irresponsible commenting in the past without fully reading everyone’s contributions and today is no exception, I just cannot rn. Not like anyone is like, wtf Nicegirl, why not, or where ya at, but you know. Just wanted to send my support to you all, and I want to thank Celebitchy. and let her know I really appreciate everything. This site with its smart escapism has really been a friend to me during my dark times, just having fashion and gossip to immerse myself in when intrusive memories etc have me in their hold has been a great joy – and the real real shit you folks cover about our country and our world, Kaiser and her tea leaf readings and keep coming with the kick ass political transitions, love Corey and Hecates happy fun posts🎈but also, the fellowship of commenters is a buoy when the water gets too high. I’m busy trying to keep my shit together today but am having a very hard time. I don’t trust myself to not cry or just lose my shit today, I’m trying to focus this energy positively but it’s hard and I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it. I will reach out for help to my medical team if necessary I promise. we need some Latifah the Queen up in here. U N I T Y y’all. We gotta let ‘ em know. We ain’t their bitches nor their hoes. Grassley that mo fo
I want to thank all the women on CB who make this a safe space for women who have been assaulted and/or traumatized.
I have been fortunate to reach 40 without undergoing anything worse than the infrequent catcall and the usual feelings of discomfort and fear in certain situations. I’ve been ignored, belittled, and underestimated for being a women in the workplace and in life, as I think most women have. But right now, my husband and I are going through difficulties in our relationship, but he still thinks I should have sex with him. I’ve recently realized that I want to avoid being “cornered” in our bathroom with him and I’m afraid to bend over in front of him because he ogles my rear and makes sexual comments. If I say anything about not wanting to have sex because of our relationship problems, he gets his feelings hurt and sulks. He would have an even worse reaction if I said I was uncomfortable around him because of his actions. It’s so disheartening to realize that even a man I would have trusted with my life feels like he has a right to my body.
I guess I’m sharing this because it’s so bizarre to me to be harassed by your own husband and I really appreciate everyone here and within the MeToo movement sharing their own stories, from discomfort to assault, because I don’t feel so alone and helpless.
Are you seeing a therapist? Individually, I mean, not a marriage therapist. Your husband is not entitled to your body and it is your right to set boundaries.
The difficulties in your marriage may have a lot to do with how your husband has viewed you as his entitlement and property. This behavior may be one and the same. It isn’t too long ago that men were legally permitted to rape their wives. I do hope you have your own individual therapist who understands women’s rights — your rights — and wish you the best whatever happens. At the very least, tell him to stop doing that to you. It’s not flattering and it makes you uncomfortable. You should feel safe, including sexually safe, in your marriage.
Your comment left me with anxiety because it is scary what you are experiencing.
What are you fearing?
Because it’s online and I don’t know anything about you and your relationship and you wrote you considered him once to be trustworthy, I tried to go in a second thought with benefit of the doubt: Could it be, that he is thinking to somehow “resolve” the problems with sexual actions? But as soon as I am wrote that, I stumbled over your second sentence: He would even have a worse reation than sulking if you told him, that you are uncomfortable around him because of his reactions?
What scares you so much? You need to answer this to yourself and then take your actions.
Please do talk to someone whom you can trust about it. And make a plan for yourself. What could you do to be safe again? If you can’t afford a therapist, you could also try to contact a local women’s center, for getting advise how to deal with it. It makes a difference having someone on your side in real life. It makes a difference for him to be confronted with your No, especially if other people are supporting you.
Do take the steps and the actions YOU are comfortable and able to deal with.
I am wishing you all the best and I sincerely hope, you can find a way to feel safe again.
I want to thank you both for your concern. I have absolutely no physical fear of my husband. I am the dominant personality in our relationship, and the only way he hurts me is in his complete lack of emotional boundaries and in trying to turn my talking about my feelings around into hurt feelings on his part. (I just read a Pin that said this is emotional abuse? I call him out on this shit, but it’s still exhausting.) After 3 kids and 20 years of marriage, I’ve finally realized that while I’ve changed and grown, he hasn’t, and he resents me for it. I’m going to make marriage counseling appointments for us through his work program and if those don’t help, I’ve honestly got no problem getting the hell out.
It’s just been such a shock for me, because I really thought I picked a good one, and he’s turned out to feel entitled, just like these other d1ckbags. Not as bad, but still…. We were talking about the Kavanaugh nomination last night, and some of the stuff he said was just not quite right, like he’s giving that dude a little more “devil’s advocate” room than I like. It didn’t matter to him when I tried to explain why a 15 year old girl might not call the police about an assault or might continue to go to parties with the same group of people. He still had questions about why she wasn’t the perfect victim, and I wasn’t up to eviscerating him the way he deserved.
I suppose the gist of all this is that he’s still the 25 year old guy I met and that’s not the person I want to be married to 20 years later, and part of that is the way he seems to automatically feel entitled to my body just because we’re married. I’ve tried talking about it before and haven’t really been satisfied with how the conversation has gone, so I’ll have to see if it goes any better with a marriage counselor and the threat of divorce looming.
ClaireB I am sorry you are going through this. I know from experience how sad and isolating that can feel. I’ve experienced marital difficulties over the past year or two with my husband and have similarly felt less interested in sex. It can cause a lot of friction because the man just feels so rejected and you wind up swallowing all your feelings so as not to further upset him but then nothing gets resolved. Like other posters I encourage you to see a marriage and/or individual therapist. After lots of therapy I was finally able to talk to my husband openly and explain that I feel less connected with him emotionally right now which affects my sexual desire. It was disappointing for him but through our work in therapy he was able to listen to me and understand it wasn’t about him being undesirable or whatever it was my body’s reaction to our emotional disconnection. If your husband won’t go to therapy I would still recommend going on your own just to learn some emotional tools and have an empathetic and neutral ear to give you support. It helped me personally challenge myself not to be passive aggressive and to be more direct with my needs/feelings. I have a long way to go, as does my husband, but I feel much more hopeful and less alone than I would have without any support.
Yesterday was so hard for so many women. I listened to the beginning of Ford’s testimony but had to stop as I was at work and it was too upsetting. I am so angry and upset with that asshole’s entitlement, his anger that she would dare call him out over his reprehensible behavior. Fuck him and men like him.
I am so sorry you experienced what you did. Yesterday was extremely triggering. The gaslighting, using faux outrage, playing victim–anyone who has ever been a victim of abuse knows the routine. Thanks for saying what you were experiencing as far as disassociation. I thought I was maybe overreacting when I was feeling the same way, but then I knew so many other women must be going through the same thing.
Isn’t is odd how we’ve been trained as women to be gaslit so much? ‘it wasn’t assault because I didn’t say no, I was in shock.’
The absence of no isn’t a yes.
and of course you were underage so you weren’t old enough to form consent.
you thought sneaking out of your house meant you weren’t the perfect victim so whatever happened to you after not being perfect couldn’t matter. What ridicules impossible to meet standards that are put on us so people always have the excuse to disregard our experiences. I am so done with that. we matter, our experiences matter. no more putting up with this
Oh, Celebitchy, I am late to this post but wanted to express my thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry this happened to you and that yesterday was so difficult. It’s amazing that you were able to share this with your parents (something I could never, ever do) and I hope that your journey towards real healing has begun in earnest.
Hugs to you and all the Celebitchies! Brave, wonderful women all of you!
Thank you for sharing your story CB. It is an act of courage and it will inspire all of us. Yesterday afternoon was ugly and depressing and hopefully the outrage it has inspired around the world will lead to something better, even if we can’t see it in the short term.
Through your courage and the courage of others like Ford, we will defeat evil. It may take time, but we must persist.
So sorry to hear this, CB. Sometimes I wonder if many girls/women/boys/men don’t say anything about their respective assaults because they weren’t (and still aren’t) sure about what exactly happened. I mean, they know it wasn’t what they wanted to happen, they felt helpless during the assault but they can’t name it.
Never told anybody this (not even Mr. Rice) but I dated a guy when I was 13-14. He came over to my house when my family was out. We were making out and he got very handsy. I told him to stop and he said, “No”. I froze and he continued groping until I mustered the strength to kick him in the nuts and he finally stopped. I don’t even know what happened, can’t even name it.
Rice, I completely agree. What you described is assault. And I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope he learned is lesson and learned from that experience.
I still don’t know what to label what I went through as a child. You google and read other stories, but somehow mine never fits into what I’m reading. I just don’t know how to view it. But I look back on it with shame, and wonder if I somehow could have stopped what happened or prevented it. But we’ll never know and it shapes who I am today.
I am sorry.
Rise up and take your story forward. Help slay those mf’ers that don’t believe women. That assault women. That denigrate women. That discount women. That vote against women. That grab women by their pussies.
Et al. Et al. Et al.
I bow to you for your courage and tenacity.
CB,
Been reading CB for three to four years now, I am so sorry this happened to you. And it will never be your fault. Thank you for sharing, hopefully it helps you find some semblance of peace, hugs to you.
Look into EMDR therapy. I have a story very similar to yours. Kept it to myself for 22 years. This was the year I spoke it out loud in therapy, and eventually told my husband. It has been difficult but freeing, and EMDR has helped me separate my emotions from the actual attack.
I LOVE EMDR. I was thinking while she was testifying, that a) surely Dr. Ford knows about this modality and b) I hope she’s tried it!!
I am so sorry this happened to you and I am so thankful for your courage in sharing your story. I know it is so, so difficult! Please show yourself lots of compassion and love and know we are all sending our love and compassion to you!!
Thank you for sharing, CB. What happened to you was so very wrong. I hope you find healing and peace.
Omg. My tears and compassion go out to you.
I am really sorry you have lived this trauma and pain Cb.
I don’t live in U.S but I follow the news cycle and even from afar my day turned to hell over this. My country also has this blame the victim mindset and I do not want to start on the horror stories every female in goes through around here, rapists, pedophiles, domestic violence you name it, we have it.
When I was 10 or 11 y.o I had my metoo ordeal. It kept on going and I could not tell anybody even my dear family. Two boys around 15-16 kept molesting me whenever they could find me alone while I was outside playing it kept on going for 2 years I guess. Kissing me without my consent, groping even though I cried and protest- it never went far because I usually got away from them and maybe because of our culture they knew they would get in trouble with more stuff. Girls I thought were my friends saw these horrible things and did nothing alas they were children too but now… now I think that was toxic and shitty too. Eventually I stopped going outside to play, I became more and more shamed, While I walked to somewhere I thought constantly that people knew how dirty and bad I was, I could not talk with males of my age for years always thinking there was something they want from me. Even my interraction witj my sweet and great father become stilted. When I was 16 I wrote a letter to my best friend and told her this, while writing the letter I was crying and shaking nonstop. At age 20 I told my parents and they were devastated that I kept this poison inside me for so long. Even now I always think what I am saying or If I seem flirting with males, I self doubt and I blame myself for every little thing. That disgusting boys and every assulter must rot in hell.
Maybe they did not know better and boys would be boys but they terrorised my happy childhood with haunting nightmares and my teenage and adolesence years.
I am sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to share my story. (Now I am shaking, I thought this was behind me, that I had survived this.)
I am so so sorry, Z. That was very brave of you to share.
Thank you Beaniebean, I don’t feel so brave but thank you.
Sending thoughts and hugs to all survivors and people stand with them🙏🏻
You’re a hero <3 Thank you for all you do to bring peace and joy into this world. It's a better place because of you! Take care of yourself, I mean…really do!
Hugs! Take care of yourself and start working through that trauma.
Thank you so much for this post and for sharing your experience.
I did the same thing yesterday with my partner, and I posted a vague acknowledgement on Facebook of my experience. I revealed an incident that I have thought about many times since it happened, but had managed to compartmentalize and bury for 21 years. It took Dr. Ford’s testimony for me to really consider how being pinned down and assaulted by a classmate that I had known since Kindergarten at 14 years old had affected me throughout my life. I blamed myself. I was drinking with friends for the first time, and I felt like I caused it, asked for it. The last 24 hours have been, hard, but I am so grateful that so many women are finding their voices. You are all amazing, THANK YOU.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I hear you, we hear you.
You and your story are important.
I am so sorry, Celebitchy. Thank you for sharing that with us and with the world. I know that this is going to make a difference and make a better place for the generations in the future. I’m so sorry you had to go through the initial experience, but also the guilt of feeling like it was your fault. You are brave and strong. Be kind to yourself and thank you for making a safe space here at Celebitchy for conversations with incredible women. I’m in awe of all of you.
Very powerful. I hope a weight has been lifted off of you being able to share the trauma that happened to you. You are not at fault.
Thank you, CB, and everybody here, for sharing your stories. I also considered myself lucky because I got away before it was rape, and only then because I told him I was a virgin and that gave him pause. I guess my boyfriend at the time had bragged about more than we actually did, because my attacker kept saying, “You give it to him!” as he attacked me, as if he was entitled to my body if I’d had sex before. I told a couple people, but no one helped me do anything, so I just stopped telling. I was too afraid to tell my mom, afraid I would get punished even though I’d had permission to go to his house. I thought he was a friend.
Thanks for sharing we appreciate your blog and care for your well being. I hope this starts some healing for you, because it’s tough to do that when you hold these experiences in.
Love and support to CB, to all those who have shared their stories here, to those who read and don’t tell anyone yet, and to those countless millions who came before us.
Thank you for telling your story. I cannot imagine what it takes to share this truth with the world. What Dr. Ford did on a worldwide stage, you have done here for your readers. You are strong, brave and unstoppable. And most importantly WE BELIEVE YOU.
Brave, brave woman! We hear you, we believe you and send you light, and love and protection. I tell you from the depth of my heart, having been there and hurt and struggled, that none of it was your fault, you didn’t ask for it, your only ‘fault’ was to be a naive prey to a predator. Our strength will shed light for others, and give voice to an ancient shared pain, and in so doing, eventually prevent the pain from going forward.
Hugs dear. I feel for you. I feel with you. The fact that most women can say me too is really hurtful. Is there hope for womanhood? Same mother’s are raising daughters and sons. Same father’s are raising daughters and sons. What are daughters being taught that men aren’t? Why do most men grow to be beasts and women don’t? Time to raise better men.
She is a lying POS. Wake the F up.
I believe you and support you, and hope you find healing, and soon. It wasn’t your fault. <3
So many of us with awful stories, and too many of us in our early teens. Love, healing and solidarity to all of my sisters (and any brothers) in this club none of us chose to join.
Thank you all for your stories. You are all valid and worthy. I hate that we all have these stories. Like many of you, I had “bad memories” but didn’t want to call them what they were until I have been forced to remember and confront them recently with #metoo.
Being pinned down and kissed while trying to turn my head away, being taken for a ride in a van when I was blackout drunk and doing things I could not consent to, a cab driver groping my thighs until I begged him to just let me out on the side of the road, COUNTLESS times I was touched/groped casually in public, male friends in high school holding me down and forcing me to watch pornography… and more that have yet to resurface.
God damn. I hate this so much.
I am so sorry that happened to you, any of you, all of you. I haven’t felt comfortable sharing my stories publicly, though I have told others over the years. I am just sorry for all of our pain, and I am also livid.