Katy Perry was suspended in 6th grade for humping a tree she called Tom Cruise


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I don’t know why Katy Perry felt compelled to tell us she humped a tree but she did and now we need to address it. Katy posted a photo on her Instagram Stories of a suspension peport from when she attended Santa Barbara Christian School. Over the photo, she wrote the caption: When I was suspended in 6th grade for humping a tree and I guess other stuff The report itself, made out in Katy’s original name, Katy Hudson, proceeds to give several details that didn’t exactly seem necessary to include, like the fact that the tree was standing in for Tom Cruise.

The crux of the suspension was:

At the 2:00 p.m. recess, Katy and four other students were in an ‘off-limits’ area (behind the backboards) practicing a skit. Katy pretended that a tree was Tom Cruise and began making sexual motions (pelvic thrusts) to the tree.

The letter states Katy had been busted for several things and the school was done with her nonsense. Katy has spoken about her super religious upbringing before. I think it’s pretty obvious that Katy was working out her feelings about that from early on. What ‘skit’ were they doing? It must have been a self-written bit, titled: I Want to Bang Tom Cruise. I had a crush on him too so I get that, but a tree is not a good stand in for Cruise. You know the part that pissed them off the most was that she was offering her flower to a Scientologist tree. I guess we now understand why the convents nuns were so against her owning their home.

Clearly Katy has put her Tom Cruise fornicating dreams behind her as she moves forward with Orlando Bloom. It seems like their romance is sticking, this second (third? fourth?) time around. Last Saturday, on the eve of his 42nd birthday, Orlando posted a pic to his Instagram that reflected on how far he’s come. Katy commented on his post by saying ”Glad I made the right choice doe Happy birthday angel.” And included a smiling-with-tongue emoji, a heart and a red circle, which has some people speculating that all indicates engagement news. I don’t think that comments suggests they’re engaged but I don’t think that announcement is too far off either. They both seem to have calmed down together so best wishes when it happens. Let’s hope it prevents Katy from assaulting any more foliage in the future, regardless of who she pretends it is.

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Photo credit: Avalon Red and Twitter

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36 Responses to “Katy Perry was suspended in 6th grade for humping a tree she called Tom Cruise”

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  1. BigGirl says:

    Her styling/costuming seems so old now. That’s all I got. Guess Katy is a rebel too

  2. Clare says:

    The macarena part is my favourite.

  3. Christina says:

    She doesn’t look good with blonde hair.

  4. Adrien says:

    I appreciate that she’s a political person, very few popstars would risk being one but I also feel like she’s already old news. I think it’s the hair. Time for something that truly
    suits her.
    Another thing: 3 things she always love to talk about 1. her failed marriage to Russell Brand, 2. her beef with Swifty 3. her conservative Christian upbringing.

  5. Erinn says:

    Some of this is genuinely hilarious – mostly because someone had to actually type it out. But when kids are doing a lot of sexual things I always have to wonder if they’re okay. I mean, I wouldn’t count some of this as actually a problem, like the dancing. But I feel like some of it is a bit much for a kid that age. But then again, I was a pretty shy kid growing up, so I might just be looking at it from that point of view.

    • Raina says:

      When I was 5, a bunch of us showed our privates (albeit, 1 second worth of time) in a school yard hiding near the swings.
      No one got caught.

      Granted, I’m not sure making out with Tom Cruise would be much different than a tree.
      I get the same amount of attraction toward either.
      I always found him…tree-ish.

  6. horseandhound says:

    I know not of a more annoying celebrity than her.

  7. Eric says:

    Better to name the tree:
    Reggie BUSH
    Richard RoundTREE
    Ryan LEAF
    Deion BRANCH
    jennifer FLOWERS
    Seth GREEN

    Or some other topiary-related name

    [it’s been a long two years]

  8. TrixC says:

    Is it normal to get suspended for this sort of thing in American schools? Or is it just because she went to a religious school? In my country I can only recall kids getting suspended for smoking/drugs or violent behaviour, something like this the teachers would probably just laugh and turn a blind eye.

    • K.T says:

      I was wondering the same thing? Suspension seems OTT. Kids are gonna push a few boundaries, especially as tweens and teens.
      Ha ha, and if they’re too strict, now we know that’s how we get MORE Katie Perry songs, the cycle is foreeeveeerrrr.
      I still think Roar, Cali Girl are bangers & iconic though.

    • ByTheSea says:

      I went to Catholic school and anything overtly sexual (like humping … anything) will, indeed, get you suspended.

    • Heather says:

      It’s definitely because it was a religious school. In my area at least, a kid would never be suspended for that type of thing.

    • sa says:

      In the school I went to, I don’t think the things in the letter would have even earned a talking to from a teacher.

    • sa says:

      Oops, double post.

  9. Rebecca says:

    “Let’s hope it prevents Katy from assaulting any more foliage in the future…”

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 ……
    I’m still laughing at this as I type.

  10. Ennie says:

    Katy Perry. Having bad taste in men since 1996.

  11. Jennifer says:

    Hahaha haha I’m sure her parents were mortified. That is pretty funny, that age is soooo cringey! I didn’t hump any trees at school, but there’s a few memories I have of trying to be funny and cool in middle school that I wish I could erase lol.

  12. Tiffany says:

    Yeah….this funny.

  13. Embee says:

    A little disturbed that they asked her to reenact the humping…sheesh. Voyeuristic much?

    • BeanieBean says:

      Yeah, I thought that was weird, too, but maybe the idea was ‘show us what you did because it cannot really be what it was described as’.

  14. YesImHere says:

    Katy has been famous for a long time now. And every time, over the years, when something comes out about her it is always so boring. It’s never anything of interest or meaning or depth. I suspect deep inside she is a boring, banal girl who got a very lucky break in life.

    • Sun in Libra says:

      This. Her marriage to Russel Brand was the most interesting thing about her but not surprising it was short. He has depth whereas and comes off as a small puddle.

    • AnneC says:

      She threw down hard for Hillary and I respect her for that. This was a fundamentalist school and her parents were religious extremists. Nothing but sympathy for her.

      • YesImHere says:

        No offense, but throwing down for the Democrat party in Hollywood, surrounded by your peers who also throw down for the DP, is not brave. It is the norm — expected, even. She was already “out” as a liberal Democrat, so throwing her hat in the ring for the Democrat nominee was not shocking or brave, nor hurt her career or reputation in any way.

      • Tiffany :) says:

        YesImHere,
        No, it is brave. It’s a public act that doesn’t just get observed by her peers in Hollywood, but also to potential fans all across the country. It doesn’t just impact people she makes music with, but the people who buy her music. It very well could have impacted her music career. I am not a fan of hers, but I respect that she spoke out clearly and loudly in 2016.

      • YesImHere says:

        You don’t honestly think KP’s fans are based in the Republican Party, do you?

        She didn’t suffer and was never in any danger of suffering. I think you like Hillary and are delighted over anyone who supported her. Let’s be honest. And that’s fine. Let’s just not pretend KP did something special.

  15. Amelie says:

    That suspension report is just hilarious and I love how it documents her past behavior where she got in trouble, especially the end about the Macarena and sexual overtones. I believe the Macarena song came out in 1996 and it was EVERYWHERE and you couldn’t escape it. I know Catholic schools are strict having briefly attended one myself. My dad went to Catholic school in the era where teachers hit your hands with metal rulers and made you write lines and that sort of thing. But seriously getting in trouble for saying “Oh my god!” is very extreme. Also how things like “pelvic thrusts” are in quotes and “like an exotic dancer.” They must have been mortified when her first single “I kissed a girl” came out hahaha.

  16. Bubbalouie says:

    Humping a tree she named after a celebrity? That sounds oddly familiar to me..

  17. Sara says:

    HAHAHAHAHA! SUPERSTAR!

  18. elimaeby says:

    Honestly, this sounds like something my more outgoing friends would have done at this age. Because we were public school kids (not a religious/private school, for those not familiar with the American school system), teachers told us to just knock it off most of the time. Worst I ever got was an in-school suspension (basically a study hall in a small room by the principal’s office) for an afternoon because some kid was teasing me and I told him to “shut the f*** up.”

    This made me laugh and brought back a lot of goofy/cringey memories, tbh.

  19. Mabs A'Mabbin says:

    I’ve commented before about how I have a ton of stories (church, religious school, etc) that sounded exactly, and worse, than this. Yes, it’s hilarious, and I laugh now, but instances like being yanked into a chapel in 6th grade to be verbally chastised for choosing to start my period before an important supports event was especially hard. So so so many stories lol.

  20. Sarah says:

    Lol!
    The only wood she could get from Tom!