John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are parents to Luna, three, and Miles, one. Both John and Chrissy created, produced and are nurturing two children together. Duh, right? We knew that. But as John discussed to Romper magazine, the fact that the father is the other parent is often forgotten. And he’s not whining about being forgotten, John said society has such a low bar for a father’s involvement that it puts all the weight and blame on the mother. John would like to see some changes, starting with people acknowledging a father watching his kids is parenting, not babysitting.
On his first date with Chrissy after Luna was born…
“People were shaming Chrissy for leaving the house, and didn’t say anything bad to me… Look, we’re both parents and we’re both going out. If you think that’s not appropriate — and first of all, you shouldn’t think that’s not appropriate — if you’re going to blame somebody, blame both of us, not just the mother.”
On the lack of changing tables in men’s bathrooms…
“It’s kind of assumed dads won’t change diapers, so facilities are built in a way that bakes that assumption in. And [that] then perpetuates the fact that dads won’t change diapers because they don’t even have a place to do it.”
On parenting two kids…
“I feel like we tag-team or we split, especially when Miles was first born and when it came to breastfeeding and having that be a regular part of the ritual with him…Chrissy had to tend to him more than I could, so I took it upon myself to be really make sure Luna was good. So we kind of split off that way… This is our job, together. We’re both parents and we make it work.”
On the historically low standards for dads…
“All the times when we’ve lowered the bar and have said dad is babysitting when he’s taking care of his own kids — no he’s not, he’s just parenting.”
John isn’t saying anything new. But I appreciate that he is making his point to everyone. Dads can’t think of themselves as babysitting, but other people can’t think of dads as babysitting either. It might sound silly to get caught up on the semantics of a phrase, but philosophy starts with language. I remember actually asking my husband a few times, “can you babysit tonight?” I didn’t really think about it, I don’t know if I was I being ironic or just throwing out a funny way to cover the childcare. But I distinctly remember feeling like I owed him time off if I slipped out to a movie or some other-out-of-the-house activity. He never suggested anything remotely like that but I still felt it.
This isn’t the first time John has spoken about mom-shaming. The incident he is referring too happened very soon after the birth of Luna and John addressed it at the time as well. Remember that Chrissy was suffering from postpartum when she was attacked for having dinner with her husband. I love that John has stayed consistent to his message, including partnering with Pampers to get Koala Kare to put changing stations in men’s restrooms. I even like that his message about changing diapers is not just make sure men have the resources to change diapers but that not providing those resources helps perpetuate the myth that men don’t change diapers (although some truly refuse). Obviously, John wants society to stop putting all the responsibility of child care on the mother. But he’s also suggesting that men want to share in the workload and hopes to break down the stigma of a man’s role as much as anything. That’s a nice take on it.
Photo credit: WENN Photos and Instagram
Omg, I love them so much. Chrissy is so outspoken and funny and John just rolls w it and lets her be her. I love seeing men support women. Oh, there’s also video of Luna negotiating w Mom to get some candy, it’s really cute. Chrissy and John were on Family Feud. She said she did a video w John and then they had sex. Everyone in the comments on DM was slamming her for it, i think that’s terrible. I feel like alot of people don’t like her because she’s not a quiet submissive woman.
I love this guy, and he’s so right. My friends with kids always say they need to ask their husband or boyfriend to babysit before they can make plans. I’m like, he’s their FATHER. Are you telling me that if you’re not around and haven’t put in a formal childcare request, he won’t take care of them? I have friend with a daughter and she can’t go out for longer than one dirty diaper because dad flat out refuses to change them. Won’t change a girl diaper for anything. Sorry state of affairs when one parent is considered the full-time parent and the other just “babysits”🙄.
So your friend carried their daughter in her womb for 9 months, gave birth to her and probably breastfeeds her and yet daddy dearest can’t change a few diapers until the kid is potty trained? Sounds like he isn’t very confident in his masculinity and has some very outdated ideas about being a dad.
You got that right! And the sorriest part of it is, he says he would change the diaper if the kid was a boy. Like only boy children need to be taken care of by dad or something.
@ Moses If, and that’s a big if because it could just be him making up excuses, that’s true that guy seems to be very uncomfortable with a lot of strange things. Who cares if it’s a girl, both sexes poop the same way. If they had a son and your friend said she wouldn’t change his diaper I’m sure he would be a-ok with that, hmmm…
Why would he be okay with seeing a boy child naked, but not a girl? That sounds like a sick way of sexualizing a baby girl.
“because dad flat out refuses to change them.”
I can not imagine procreating with such an arrogant jerk. I feel sorry for her.
That sounds like someone I would not be having children with.
That sounds like someone who would end up with a diaper full of crap smack in the middle of his face.
Men like this SUCK. I hope I don’t end up having kids with a man like these. It would be so disappointing.
A long time ago I had a BF who told me multiple times that he wanted kids and how great it was going to be once we had our own, etc. He had three nieces and one nephew so he’d been exposed to kids since he was a teenager himself. One time, one of the babies did a No. 2 and needed a diaper change and mom was busy with one of the other kids or something, so I said “Why don’t you offer to change the diaper?” His response, “Pfft, I don’t do that stuff!” Which told me all I needed to know about what having kids with that loser was going to be like!
While you’re right – it’s nothing new – I still love it. I really really like this guy. He seems like a good egg. And he’s so sweet with the kids, and he and Chrissy really seem like a match made in heaven. I’ll be devastated if these two ever break up.
you’re right. they seem like such a good pair I’d be really bummed if they didn’t make it work.
I like them, too.
I love him! and maybe this is just my husband, but because he’s a divorced dad he’s had to do it all by himself so it doesn’t scare him, it’s just parenting. plus he’s so anxious to spend as much time with his kids as possible that he definitely doesn’t consider it babysitting.
I appreciate him saying that. When our kid was born especially during the first year, a lot of people were asking if the dad, my husband, helps out. And I was always confused by that question, he is not help, he is the parent.
Right? We have twins and when they were babies it was you take one I take one. A friend was over and they pooped and we each got up grabbed a kid and changed them. The friend asked if he always helps with the kids and he blorted out a snort laugh and said “I would hope I would help, my god they are my own children.”
Babysitting? What a strange thing to think when you’re parenting your own child. I have a very old dad who has some conservative views on certain things but even he never considered it babysitting when he was parenting me. That was just him being a dad and raising me. This whole babysitting thing comes across as being very selfish. Like doing your partner a favor by looking after your own child but ultimately attributing responsibility for child rearing to the mom.
I also agree about the changing tables. It’s honestly quite discriminating towards both moms and dads to put the tables only in the ladies bathroom.
I am IN LOVE with those babies! Luna looks just like her mom, and Miles is the spitting image of his dad. OMG. What a beautiful family, inside and out.
I was once out and I said that my husband is watching the kids. I was corrected quickly by an older woman and she said: he is parenting which is what he should do when you aren’t there, as I’m sure you do when he isn’t. This was about 10 years ago and it was like groundbreaking thinking for me. But she was sooooooo right.
Agree with all of what he says. So many times people are like “where are the kids? Is your husband babysitting?” if I’m out. Guarantee nobody asks if I am babysitting my own kids. I appreciate him using his platform to normalize TWO-PARENT PARENTING.
When I had my firstborn, my family came to visit that first week. I’ll never forget my aunt just booking a bus ride for my cousin and assuming my husband would drive him to the bus station, half an hour away, at 6 am. I put my foot down and was like no, I need him here. He needs to be with his baby too.
Love everything he says here. He genuinely seems like such a wonderful human.
In my inner circle, my “Village” if you will, this is how it is. The dads are hands on, supportive, attentive PARTNERS in parenting. My husband, my brother, my best friend’s husbands are all just as involved in our children’s lives as us moms are. Diapers, dinner, pick ups, drop offs, doctor appointments, you name it, they’re doing it right along with us. However, I belong to some Facebook groups where the stories of husbands doing absolutely NOTHING, refusing to change diapers or cook a meal or stay with the children while mom runs out, break my heart. Those men are doing themselves and their children such a disservice.
God, having a real two-parent arrangement sounds amazing. I would never in a million years call myself a single parent, but practically speaking, I am the only parent in my (married, heterosexual) household. Raising our daughter is 100% on me. I can’t help but envy mothers whose spouses are actually interested in parenting.
A bit off topic … I once had a friend, we met up at a restaurant for dinner when we both had young kids. She was complaining because she had to get the roast ready before she left so that her family would have food when she was gone. I asked her why she didn’t just let them fend for themselves? She was complaining horribly but it seemed like it hadn’t occurred to her to ask for help. Years later, she is divorced. My family had to make sandwiches or something, I don’t know what they did …. I left. The work has to be shared, there is just too much of it for one adult human. “Familying” is super tricky when the kids are little. Super tricky.
Can you hear this Dr. Drew? He and his wife were digging in their heels about this on Twitter recently. I honestly couldn’t believe he was so dense and insistent that a father taking care of his kids when the mother was away was anything but babysitting. SMH
I’m confused. Can you clarify Dr. Drew and his wife’s stance
When talking to one of his teen mom women, Dr Drew said her husband was babysitting the kids. When she corrected him that “dads don’t babysit,” he spent a few days tweeting definitions to defend himself and even his wife jumped in to help. He honestly couldn’t think of what else to call it because apparently taking care of the kids is a mother’s job and expected of her whereas a dad babysitting is doing mom a favor, eye roll.
yes, thank you John Legend…from Mom’s EVERYWHERE.
Yeah! He seems like a really decent guy.
Thank you, John! Scream it louder for the people in the back!! There is not a dang reason in the world Dads can’t change diapers, play games and give baths for small babies and kids. My husband does it all. He actually loved baby wearing and we would play Rock Paper Scissors to see who got to wear the baby! Ha! I will say I get lots of comments from older moms ‘wow you are so lucky!’ But that just seems so sad! I guess not that long ago Dads didn’t do anything?! My dad did stuff with us all the time. I really think my kids are the lucky ones. They will grow up being comfortable with both parents and knowing it’s okay for Daddy to take them places and do things while mommy is away and they are safe and happy. God forbid I die tomorrow, he wouldn’t be so clueless because he does stuff all the time with them.
Everyone I know who’s husband called watching their kids “babysitting” are now divorced. It’s not only the kid aspect but all aspects of running the household that eventually falls on the wife. It took a toll on all of their relationships. I had one friend (now divorced) who told me prior to having kids I need to enjoy life because once I have kids, my husband won’t let me hang out with friends as much. i was so confused but realized that was her life. He couldn’t be bothered to just be present in the home so she spent 6 years never tending to herself.
Once I had my twins, my husband literally would call friends and tell them to come over and take me to dinner bc he could see how much I needed to just be around adults. He would give them money and tell them I need to be outside for more than an hour. He just took care of two small newborns by himself and lived. It made me feel so supported and really drove home that we are a team. It brought some air back into that crazy time when I didn’t even realize I was drowning. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who won’t step up.
That’s wonderful, sounds like you have an amazing husband
Probably 10 years ago or so, I had an appointment so my husband took the baby to a group we attended weekly. When I went back the next week, the ladies in the group were talking about him like he was a saint; pointing out how he changed the baby’s cloth diapers like a pro, fussed over him, burped him, sang to him when he cried… basically, did parent stuff and loved his baby. I said we all must be saints because we sit here and do that every week at this group. Every single one of them said they wished their partners acted like that and the men would never come to a baby group. It was eye opening to see people so shocked by an equal division of parenting. It would likely blow their minds now to know that 10 years later I haven’t made dinner in weeks, he does all the laundry, and I just remodeled our whole bathroom myself… What’s the point in being in a partnership is one person is doing all the work?
As someone that has a terrible mother and a wonderful father, it always pisses me off completely when people disregard a father’s role and say the mom is the most important one.
When I say to people that I’m a lot closer to my father, people always say that it must be because he’s the one who gives me money, which makes me see red. My dad gave me everything, from love to unconditional support, while my mom gave me only psychological abuse and love when it’s convenient.
I don’t know why people have this idea that a child is more the mother’s than the father’s. Its 50/50 folks
I had the very same experience. And I’m really thankful my dad was around to take care of me when I was a child.
If my partner had said he wasn’t changing diapers at all, I would have ended up divorced. When it’s 2 am and you are on your third blowout of the night and the baby is teething and no one has slept-it is ALL hands on deck. If he had said, honey it’s your job as the mom and gone back to sleep I would have punched him in the face.
What I get when I go to cycling or yoga on the weekends is how nice it is that my “husband lets me get away for a hour” LETS ME. As if I’m the housekeeper instead of someone that works 60 hours a week that needs some down time. He goes out for a hour on the alternate day to run? No one says a thing
I love him so much. He’s right about all of it and we need more dads making these points. I’m currently sipping coffee in a fairly swanky (for me) hotel on a business trip this week, getting ready to walk to my company office for a busy day of work. My husband, god bless him, is currently on a flight out here with our 1yo (9yo is at sleepaway camp for the first time) so he can do some fun sightseeing and I can see the baby when I’m not working.
He’s a full time SAHD and I have total confidence that he’s got this. And yet I still feel massive mom guilt every day at leaving my little guy to go to work. And my mom gives us both sh!t for the way we’ve decided to do all of this. Even though our little family is happy, healthy, well cared for, and my husband and I are great. Society has to change on this front.
Lindy, the proof is in the pudding! Live your life and in that people will realize!
I’m a SAHM and take on more of a tradition roll of ‘mom’ but it’s important for me that my kids see both of us cleaning, cooking, working out, being strong, and caring for them DAILY. My husband grew up very different from my everyday normal and I’m so proud of his growth as a human. We make a great team. I never would have married him if I thought he’d be a bad dad.
Thanks for the good thoughts! Raising two boys, I’m so aware of the need to help the next generation do things differently! When kids see their fathers being true partners I think it matters so much!
Exactly! Men parenting isn’t “babysitting” even if their partner happens to be a SAHM. My mom was a SAHM, and that rhetoric was never used in my home growing up. It sounds bonkers to me.
Lindy, I also have come to realize ‘mom guilt’ is something I can’t escape. It’s my own battle making sure everything is, idk ‘perfect’?! Sigh. I try to kick that guilt down but sometimes it creeps back up! I have discovered I can feel guilty about anything. Out running around too much, GUILT, stuck inside too much and the kids seem bored, GUILT. Your sons are so lucky to have a MOM BOSS and a SAHD!! Your kids are the true winners! 🙌🏼💪🏼
My husband repeatedly says he wishes he were the one on maternity leave right now. He takes over as soon as he gets home from work and on weekends. Once baby is weaned he will take the second half of the paternity leave. He always encourages me to get out of the house as long as there’s a bottle of pumped milk in the fridge.
Honestly it took my husband being laid off to realize how much work full time parenting is. Once he was home with me full time during my Mat leave he clued in. And it’s not like he didn’t co-parent before. But now he realizes how much work it is, and how little he did when he was working out of the home compared to me.
I don’t even have kids and this “dad’s babysitting” irks me to no end. It’s part of this idea that anything to do with parenting/child care is “defaulted” to mom, with dad being able to opt-out of any part.
It’s like that “mental load” comic that went viral a couple of years ago: it’s not just the division of physical labor of child-rearing like bathing and diaper changes; it’s knowing the schedules/groceries/clothing and shoe sizes/laundry loads/schoolwork/activities of the children that society often assumes mom will manage, and dad will “help” when he’s asked to.
My husband and I split our parental leave year for both our kids (we’re in Canada — I stayed at home for the first 8 months, he did the other 4). This made the most sense financially for us based on how our employers topped up our leave pay… but honestly having each of us be the stay-at-home parent for a significant amount of time was great in terms of us both getting a handle on the parenting thing.
Now our kids are 10 and 5, and because I work shifts, it varies who’s at home with the kids outside of school — and I have absolute confidence in him as an equal partner in our parenting. There are still some differences in how the housework gets split — I do more meal prep, he’s more likely to stain the deck — but we can both handle a bathroom accident or a sick kid or whatever. Can’t imagine how people who pull all the parenting weight in their homes live like that. How would you not feel resentful?!
Parental leave is a huge part of this actually. In us it is very common for only the woman to take maternity leave and then Dad takes maybe a week or two (if he can). That sets up woman from the beginning as the “expert” on baby care bc she has most experience. Then it spirals from there. Most couples don’t intend for the division of responsibility to get so uneven.
Im 34 and my dad complains it was like this when i was a kid too, no changing tables for him to use when in public for me or my brothers when we were in diapers.
Jason biggs’ wife just wrote something for a parenting magazine and said shes tired of being told by other parents that ‘shes lucky’ when her husband ‘helps’ with their kid. She said its sexist because ‘no one would tell my husband hes lucky if i ‘help out’. Im expected to parent.’ I totally agree