How Chris and Deanna Daughtry Moved Past Infidelity and Into a 'Season of Growth': 'We Had to Learn to Save Ourselves' https://t.co/IxYF3wLEYB
— People (@people) June 13, 2019
Chris Daughtry is a multi-platinum recording artist. I’m saying that more for me than you guys. I remember his name floating around when he was on American Idol in 2006 but I have not kept up with his career. It’s been going well, it seems. I do remember Chris was the ‘rocker’ of the show. And it also seems as though Chris has been living the rock star lifestyle, replete with long tours and groupies, according to his latest interview in People. Chris and his wife Deanna have been married since 2000. They made news earlier this week when they announced the new single, As You Are from his new album, Cage to Rattle, was Deanna’s public coming out as bisexual. Following that news, Deanna and Chris talked about his infidelity and how they were able to push through it and grow stronger in their marriage in its wake. Deanna said her healing started when she realized it had nothing to do with her.
Platinum-selling rocker Chris Daughtry and his wife, Deanna, divide their almost 19-year marriage into different “seasons,” and today, Deanna says, they are in an “open heart and growth season.”
But this fulfilling time has been hard-earned, the Daughtrys reveal to PEOPLE. Over the years, they have endured lengthy trials, intensified by Deanna’s lifetime struggle with her sexual identity and Chris’ unfaithfulness soon after he rose to stardom.
Through it all, though, they always believed they were better together than apart. “I think we’ve been committed enough to learn as we go and realize that we’re still trying to figure it out,” Chris, 39, says while sitting next to his wife at their Nashville home.
“It’s like the universe knew that we were going to help each other grow,” says Deanna, 46, “and each of us was going to be exactly what the other needed.”
When the couple met in 2000, Chris was picking up weekend club gigs and making ends meet as a vacuum cleaner salesman. Six years later, he was an overnight rock star: His powerful vocals ignited a passionate fan base on American Idol, and after finishing fourth on the show, he quickly put together a string of massive hits, including “Home” and “Over You.”
As much as his dreams were outwardly coming true, though, the dramatic lifestyle shift left him reeling internally. “Honestly,” he says, “I look back and I had no idea who I was.” Tours that put him on the road for months at a time also were “just a recipe for disaster on a relationship,” he adds.
Deanna watched helplessly as her husband took his cues from the rock-star stereotype playbook. Chris admits: “There’s been infidelity.”
Though he expressed deep remorse — “he wanted to fix it,” Deanna says — the revelation drove a deeper wedge between them. Her healing began, she says, only when she stepped out of her pain and into her husband’s shoes. “I knew it didn’t really have anything to do with me,” she says. “It never does.”
Deanna now looks back at that painful era and realizes “he was drowning in the stuff he was dealing with, and I was drowning in the stuff I was dealing with. We both had to learn to save ourselves.”
Surviving crises together, says Chris, is “when real growth happens. That’s when real closeness happens. That’s when you can say, I love this person, not because it’s fun and new right now. I love this person because she just dealt with some real bulls— of mine that I’m dealing with myself, and she’s strong enough to stand by me and get through it with me, and hopefully, we come out stronger together. And we have.”
I’ve gone on record plenty of times saying that I do believe a relationship can survive infidelity if the couple wants to make it work. And I like that, as Deanna implied, Chris wanted to fix things, not just have them overlooked. Chris said later in the interview that they are, “trying to be more present and just enjoy where we are.” This is really important when addressing problems. If you pretend they never happened, history tends to repeat itself. What is not mentioned in the article is for how long the infidelity went on. I guess it doesn’t matter, they worked through however long it was.
It’s health of Deanna to understand it wasn’t about her . I can’t imagine how hard that realization was to come by, though. That said, I think it’s a little convenient for Chris to say it just happened because he’s a rock star. He doesn’t owe me an explanation but I hope he dug a little deeper than that while he and Deanna were working through it.
Photo credit: Twitter, WENN Photos and Getty Images
I use to like him but now I like him a lot less. I’m just so over cheating assholes. I don’t know how else to describe it.
Can anyone think of an example of a MAN doing an interview to explain how his wife’s infidelities only made their marriage stronger?!
Yea that’s a nope for me dawg! Good for them I guess that they’re now “stronger than ever” (huge eye roll). Perhaps they’d be practically indestructible if he could have kept his wang in his pants?? Again if you can take your husband back after he’s been messing around, god bless but for me,once the trust is gone, it’s gone and no matter what, it will NEVER be the same again, for better or worse.
Yup, agree with the cheating asshole fatigue (CAF syndrome maybe? Call me dsm 5 authors)
I always crack up laughing at that “After infidelity, our marriage is stronger” guff, has anyone ever thought to themselves “Hey, I will improve my home by driving an articulated lorry through my kitchen” it just seems like a lie that people cling to in the hope that they can survive a cheating spouse.
I know exactly one couple that has survived infidelity and they seem very stable and loving now, but also, they are not the same. Maybe the relationship can be stronger, but it will be stronger in different ways and it won’t ever be what it was.
The mental image of that truck barrelling through someone’s kitchen made Coke Zero shoot from my nose.
Thanks, Zapp.
*whispers* it burns…it BURNS
Him:
“Honey, screwing that good looking blonde, and that cute redhead, and those other women just made me realize how much I love you. I feel closer to you now, and I’m glad we had this talk.”
Me:
“ I will never trust you again and I’m sick of being victimized by you, so get out! Out, out you son of a bitch!”
That was how my first marriage ended. For me to stay with him would have been agreeing to have it happen over and over. Never again.
Ha. The STD I’d unknowingly contract from a wanna be rockstar would have EVERYTHING to do w/ me -if-I contracted Herpes or Aids. While it’s difficult to let go of a cheating lover IN THE MOMENT, the long term freedom/happiness/health is worth it times infinity!! I’m friends w men who didn’t work out w as lovers, but why waste intimacy w someone who could cause harm?
It is hard. I’m struggling. It’s been three weeks, I told him DONT EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN after 5 years. But I have reached out once a week since demanding answer and asking WHY WHY???
I’m glad I know it will never happen again and he can’t hurt me but I ruminate on it and it’s terrible
Thank you. Amen. Just was cheated on and I’ve dumped him but I have had 3 weak moments the past 3 weeks where I have reached out demanding answers of what happened and why do this to me?
I have no idea why I want answers but my imagination is filling in the blanks and it’s terrible.
I hate cheaters. The psychological pain and confusion is so terrible.
Ugh I’m so sorry. You must be in a lot of pain here. Sending hugs to you 🙂
Wishing you strength and peace and happiness soon Stacey.
Look up Chump Lady. She got me through my divorce with my cheater. Her site and book are amazing.
Thanks celebitchies 🙂 every day gets easier. I will look up Chump Lady!
@stacey
I know it hurts. It feels like rejection. Why not look at it as a chance to start over again? He wasn’t the right fit for you, so why spin your wheels? When you start thinking about him, put on some happy music and dance. Take care of you.
And if you start thinking about him, think of him in a pink tutu with red lipstick and purple heels. That should help.
Hugs
<3 Stacey. It was NOT your fault!!!
You take care of you, and be your own boo, and it will get better.
I want to send him some bees!
🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝
ElleKaye – I hope you read this comment. Your two pieces of advice # 1 turn on music and dance and #2 picturing him in a TuTu have helped me tremendously when I begin to fret and overthink in the past two days
These two tricks have really helped in the last day or two and I will continue to use them as I process what has happened to me. I really can’t Thank you enough.
Exactly! 🙄🙄 I think “once a cheater always a cheater” shouldn’t be forgotten because it’s almost always right.
@HeyThere,
I came here to say the exact same thing. I am effing tired of these asshole celebrity, musicians, famous whatever men, cheating. I hate cheating, and I hate the men who do it.
I love how they basically use her bisexuality as both a smoke screen and a hanging chad of a reason that he cheated. Reprehensible
I always get such strong second-hand embarrassment for these couples that publicly talk about their infidelities. I’m glad they’re working on it and have found a happier place, but I don’t need to know about it.
I know! Would anyone have known this if they hadn’t talked about it publicly? I don’t really follow him to know if it was reported on or not.
To me, this feels like a self-aware couple who each had their issues and mistakes, but were open and honest about figuring out why they acted/feel the way they did so they could find solutions. Cough lots of therapy cough. Which is great! It could be so easy to pigeonhole it into the “rock star” thing, like he’s just a shady guy who overlooked his wife once he got famous and felt he was owed the freedom to do whatever he wants. This just doesn’t feel like that to me. Cheating would probably be a dealbreaker for me, and has been in multiple relationships. But that’s because based on how I felt, and the person’s emotions afterward, I didn’t think I’d ever get over it to a point where I fully trusted them again. Good for them. It seems like they have their relationship figured out.
It had to have been about ten years ago now, but I saw him in concert once and he really was amazing. His big voice you hear on songs is just like that in real life, it’s impressive.
I agree about the self awareness thing. Also, he said he cheated because he didn’t know who he was not just because of the rockstar thing.
As a completely unrelated aside, he looks like he could play a great vampire in any upcoming film.
Yeah, no.
I can understand forgiving a drunken one night stand when the cheater is full of remorse and it’s truly likely he won’t do it again.
But if it’s an affair, or a series of one offs, it will happen again. It’s just not worth it.
I am, like it or not, one of those people that can’t separate a humans job with their outside work behavior. I just think if you can’t be committed to your life partner…why should I trust you?! Ya know? I’m not saying I’m correct for feeling this way but it’s what I always go back to. I’m not good at separating the two actions.
I am right there with you HeyThere!, I mean if you can’t display integrity and loyalty to the person you promised to love, honour and cherish, me as a random person in your life cannot expect you Not to screw me over.
ZAPP that is 100% my exact thought!! Why would you do the honorable thing by me if you can’t for your life partner?! Ut just makes sense in my mind.
He went from what working in a Best Buy/factory type job to multi-millionaire rock star. Maybe she is just being pragmatic. They have kids, he gave her a life she could never afford on her own and status. She isn’t going anywhere. I know a few women like this. The end game is more important than infidelity. There is one person in my office every time he cheats on his wife she gets a new house. They love houses.
Hahaha! Maybe she’s trying to make his cheating into a business opportunity and hopefully she’ll leave him eventually and sell all those homes and become even more wealthy with a hot boy toy?! She sounds wealthy but feel bad for your coworkers wife.
meh, the wife is probably happy someone is doing the blowjob work for her. They know what life they are buying into. The money, black amex and status is what they covet. The wife likes to play interior decorator so he buys her these houses to decorate and sell. Except none have sold and he is carrying at least 5 mortgages. But yes he is hella rich and can afford it.
Would you please tell me how to get in contact with this man my house is about 100 years old and maintenance and remodeling are very expensive,so I was wandering if this guy would work some kind of arrangement out with me…My husband will be totally on board !🤣(Joking of course)
It’s plenty of people like this. To be wealthy and full of money is the most important thing in their life. There are people (men and women) who marry someone for the money and the status. I’m not surprised about.
Why do we NEED to know this?? It’s irrelevant, they’re irrelevant.
Affairs are a health risk. When your partner cheats, he/she is bringing another person into your bed without telling you, and exposing you to STDs without your knowledge. This is unforgivable, imo. The only affairs people should work through are the ones where the infidelity is admitted before any new sexual activity between the couple. Otherwise, your partner has been selfish beyond tolerance and for your own personal safety, you need to end it. Nobody should put up with someone whose lies put their health in jeopardy.
so true
@Rapunzel Exactly. Most people in marriages are not using protection. If he was sleeping around with groupies, he was exposing his wife to STDs, even if he claimed to use protection with the groupies. Unforgivable in my book.
So if she is struggling with her bisexuality, does that mean she wants to cheat or has cheated? Why was that information necessary? If she values fidelity and is bisexual, then she should be happy having sex with him. I am heterosexual and find other men attractive, but I am not going to sleep with them. So how is her bisexuality affecting her relationship? So she is sexually attracted to both sexes, she can keep it in her pants.
They just wanted to get in the news..
It sounded like she blamed herself because she was figuring herself out, but then said it wasn’t her fault. Honestly, it’s all TMI and none of my business. But got his new single mentioned so the PR worked.
It doesnt have much to do with her, but it does gauge his level of love of her. But if she doesnt mind being with a guy who was willing to hurt her like that, thats her buisness.
I’m not sure that’s true. I do understand what she’s saying about the ebb and flow thing in a relationship, what she’s calling “seasons.” I know in my own marriage there have been times when I felt closer to my husband, and times we’ve been more distant. Although I’m not sure I would be able to move past cheating personally, I think she’s right when she talks about the desire to fix it being the most important part. People hurt each other all the time, intentionally or unintentionally, but I think if they are truly willing to stick it out and work together, it’s possible to grow. Good for them for working on it? Hope they manage to keep it together.
comment posted in wrong spot! woops
If he cheated a lot like all rockers do I don’t think I could forgive him. I couldn’t forgive a full on affair either. I think many women become too dependent in every way that when they forgive cheating is mostly because they have nowhere to go. No career to fall back on. I don’t always believe the relationship gets better. They just don’t want to leave.
Yes, this. Whether or not they want to admit it, I think she and people like her are subscribing to a “sunk cost” mentality. As in, I’ve already spent 10 (or 15, or 20) years with him and we have kids, I couldn’t possibly leave him because I’ve invested so much into this marriage. Sorry, but no marriage is going to be “better” after that. They’re just deluding themselves into believing that so they can live with their decision to stay.
The one way I’ve ever seen it get better was when the couple decided mutually to embark on an open relationship – a FAIR one. Like Sting and Trudie, or like regular folks I have known. It can work.
It IS work, and requires trust and communication. LOTS of trust and communication. But, it can work. It just has to be fair to everybody. And the shape of that will likely be unique to the individuals involved.
For me it’s one and done, and the cheater can just GTFO. I’m not one of those people who wants to go to therapy to try and save the marriage. Save it from what? I’m a “once a cheater, always a cheater” believer, and that’s that. I draw a hard, deep line in the sand for infidelity, you cross that line, just get your shit and get out. Honestly, I don’t even want to know why, just leave and once all the living stuff is sorted out, never talk to me again. I don’t want any sad sack, BS apologies. I don’t believe in the “I got drunk and didn’t know what I was doing” malarkey either. I have been all stages of drunk–and still never cheated or had the inkling to cheat, so I do not accept that “excuse.” If my partner is even thinking about cheating, then he needs to come to me BEFORE and discuss why he feels that way, and Then we can try to work it out. But if the deed is done–we are done, end of story, don’t the door hit you in the ass on the way OUT.
His first two albums were really, really good. The first was good and solid the whole way through. The second almost as good. By the third I was over it.
As far as this story goes, I feel like it is strictly for publicity because most of us forgot he even existed. I only remembered because I was scrolling through albums I’ve got on my iTunes and there it was so I listened again. It is still pretty good.
UGH!! Dougherty reminds me of David Boreanez with the “Made my marriage stronger BS” It is no secret that DB is still cheating on his wife and Dougherty is probably too. They just hide it better. Once a cheater, always a cheater. These women want the lifestyle and they will put up with anything for it.
But she was with him when he earned that money, so presumably half of it would be hers…..
These two aren’t gonna make it. Not trying to be mean. If they do, I will be happy. If they don’t, I will have seen it coming, that’s all. Those who are cheated on (hasn’t everybody at least once?) eventually come to realize it’s about the relationship.
I am trying not to be a cynic, but I agree with one. She is gonna be the one to find someone else and then she is gone.
The whole reality show level of music is the lowest form of schmaltz…it’s like a giant pity party for the “famous because they’re NOT famous”. These winners need to focus in a sense of future. It’s NOT the time to play real rock star! Keep the money, work the gigs and keep your support system!!
I understand what she’s saying but it’s still a messed up logic.
Good to know! I’ve been eyeing this super hawt delivery dude, and holding back cuz a marital rough patch is to be expected. But damn, now that I know it’ll make my marriage better than ever, imma order something today.
no no as pointed out above it only makes it stronger if the DUDE cheats. if the lady does it DESTROYS the marriage. 100%.
lmao!
I love how strong and self-possessed she is. It’s not about the other person. This is so, so true.
I have cheated and been cheated on. I maintain I am a very, very good person. 99% of people would say I’m one of the nicest, most values-driven human they know.
I got help. YEARS of therapy. Not all people who cheat are bad.
how can it not be about the other person that was cheated on? I was cheated on by my ex and obviously he had feelings for this other woman and didn’t love me or care about me to do this to me. I would NEVER cheat on him because I love him and wouldn’t want to hurt him. I have to accept that my ex boyfriend ended up cheating on me several times and I have to accept that he just doesn’t think I’m worth it, he doesn’t care about me or value me if he would do this to me. That being said he has cheated on EVERY woman he has ever been with, including his ex wife while pregnant (lesson learned: Chronic Cheaters never change their spots)
People who cheat don’t love or care about the other person
I have cheated. I am cheating on my husband right now. It has nothing to do with him besides the fact that I’m not sure he is the man I should have married.
Why not just break up?
Serious question.
You’re for sure not the person he should’ve married. He deserves the right to make decisions (especially about his body/health) based on reality.
First, I hate the not-sosubtle biphobia here? It’s framed as if hher being bisexual is the reason wht he just had to cheat. That’s vile.
Secondly, the first one is always the hardest; after that, it’s easy. So, once a cheater always a cheater. No ifs or buts. Dude, if you don’t want a relationship with this or that person just leave. Cheating is so cruel and unnecesary. I’m a ho. I don’t do relationships because I know I can’t be in one and I’d never cheat. If you know you a ho then don’t do monogamous or even poly relationships. Not cheating is easy.
And finally, yes at the people up there who talked of STDs! This is a point people don’t talk about when it comes to cheating and it is so important. Cheating is not only dangerous for the victim’s mental health but also to their physical health.
It’s rarely about the partner. (That’s not why we cheat).
Not that this matters, but she’s gorgeous. He lucked out.