I think I’ve said this before, but during the run of HBO’s Sex and the City, and throughout the terrible SATC movies, I grew to despise Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie was a narcissist and a poseur and she was actually kind of awful in relationships. Carrie started out as Candace Bushnell’s alter ego, but obviously Candace’s life wildly diverged from Carrie’s fictional life. And whenever I read Candace’s interviews, I’m always struck by how she’s actually quite different than Carrie. Candace is curious and interesting and anthropological and she actually thinks a lot about what’s happening in the modern landscape of relationships, sex, technology, love and marriage. Like a 21st century Jane Austen. Candace is still promoting Is There Still Sex in the City? and I only just saw this Vanity Fair interview (which was actually published a few weeks ago, my bad). I found it very interesting! You can read the full piece here. Highlights:

She tried Tinder as a 50-something divorcee: “What was interesting about Tinder was [that] everyone was on it, but nobody seemed to like it. Is that how dominant technology is? Nobody likes it, yet we are obliged to use it?”

How she felt post-divorce: “I went through a period where I absolutely did not believe in relationships at all. I think it’s really important to question all of these societal expectations…as a woman we do have to think about where we put our time. You can put a lot of time and energy into a relationship and come out with less…that’s another reality. These are things that women have to weigh. And nobody wants to talk about it, but that’s life. You see that when you get older. When you’re younger, it feels like life is going in just one direction. But then when you get older, you see how all these little pieces actually fit together. But the great thing that I found is that women seem to be extraordinarily good at knowing themselves and what will work for them eventually in their life. And also, they are great at reinventing themselves and taking on new challenges. The age group of women I am writing about—they’re go-getters.… It’s okay to have ups and downs. And it is okay to be down. The trick is finding the strength to get up again.”

What she understands about relationships now: “It’s okay for a relationship to just be. It’s not like it has to hit a bunch of markers—like you have to get married. It is not goal-oriented. It can just be. It doesn’t feel like one has to be in a rush, because really, where are you going?”

Tackling the subject of women who marry for money: “No one ever really talks about it, but some women do it and it is an option for them. It might work out, and it might not. But there’s always more to the story. One of the things that I would like to look at more…yes, people talk about sex. But what they really don’t talk about is money. That’s almost the dirty little secret. But money becomes a reality, and a concern in a way that it wasn’t when you were younger. It’s just life, and it’s a reality. And it’s better to accept that it’s life rather than make a value judgment on it and just get through it.”

She thinks the romantic landscape will get even stranger. “I don’t want to criticize the times we live in, or the technology, [which is only] increasing exponentially. To me, the bigger question is, how is this going to affect us as human beings in the next 20 years? In 20 years, you may not ‘need’ a man as a woman to reproduce. How does that look? Will everybody freeze their eggs and their sperm? What effect will that have? Who will be able to do it? Who will be able to afford it? Those to me are the interesting questions.”

[From Vanity Fair]

I’m not going to do the hand-clap emojis but please believe that they are here: I love that she talks about money. I love that she talks about marrying for money. I wish people could be more honest about this and I wish this was a bigger conversation in relationships. There are rich men out there, and some/many of them are terrible people who only want someone pretty or young or loyal on their arm. And there are some/many women who just want financial security. And what’s wrong with talking about that sh-t? Money is a huge part of many relationships and most marriages. TALK ABOUT IT.

Also: I love what she says about finally understanding that a relationship doesn’t have to be goal-oriented, and it doesn’t have to be a series of steps. I think women feel the pressure to meet all of those markers when they’re in their 20s and 30s and… that’s not the path for everyone.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red.