Ali Wong just released a book called Dear Girls, which is a letter to her daughters telling them who she is, who she was before them and how to generally navigate through life. Although I’m a fan of Ali, I hadn’t intended to read the book because I don’t generally read memoirs. But then Ali went on Ellen DeGeneres’ talk show and told her the reason she wrote the book was because there was so much she wished she’d asked her very successful dad about coming from poverty and how he overcame that. But he died before she could, and now she’ll never get to truly know him. I got all mushy listening to her say this and before I knew it, the book was in my Amazon cart. So her promotionis working. I’m sure Ali tells her girls about her small civil wedding to their dad in the book as well, along with why she went the City Hall route. Part of the reason Ali wanted a small ceremony was to spare her friends from torture – the torture of being a bridesmaid:
Ali’s comments on bridesmaids comes at the 1:02 mark. Just be prepared, her comments are heavy on the word “penis.”
You love standup, though. You did Standup on your wedding night. What does that mean?
I got married at City Hall because I didn’t want to have a formal wedding, because I’m a stand-up comic and I don’t want to walk down an aisle for 60 seconds while people stare at me in silence. That would give me PTSD, that would be very awkward. But, for other women that sounds very exciting, to get to hair and makeup is really exciting. For me, I’m like, that sounds like a nightmare. And so, we just got married at City Hall – I also didn’t want to torture my friends and make them be bridesmaids… it’s like, when people would ask me, ‘do you want to be my bridesmaid?’ I started to hear, ‘Do you want to be financially burdened? Do you want to spend like, $150 on this bogus @ss dress, that you’re never going to wear again? And spent the weekend with a bunch of B-I-T-C- am I allowed to say? Some bitches that you don’t know?’ It’s like there’s always been some weird cousin, with braces, who’s socially awkward and you’re celebrating and they’re like, ‘here’s a penis necklace, here’s a penis hat. Let’s play pin the penis on the penis.’ If I’m about to get married, I don’t want to wear a penis candy necklace. I want a real penis, that’s not the penis I am going to have forever.
Ali’s delivery is a riot, but I don’t share her views on being a bridesmaid. I do about the penis part, I really have no desire to ever wear a crown of penises in any form. But I always loved being a bridesmaid. Everything she said is true, I just prepared myself going in. But remember, I love weddings period, even if I’m standing at them in a lace and sateen mullet dress in a color that makes me look so sallow, people think I’ve escaped my hospital bed to attend. But I do agree with Ali 100% on it being a financial burden. It really should be socially acceptable for anyone to be able to decline the request without it being a huge slight to the couple. But I’ve only ever seen friendships torn apart, either because someone had to say no or because they didn’t say no and couldn’t afford the time or money. As for the weird cousin Ali referred to, my brother’s first wife came from big money (we do not) and I assure you, I was that socially awkward cousin in the bridesmaid suite.
At the start of her appearance, Ali talked about her Harvard educated husband manning the merchandise table at her performances, you can watch that here. I love Ali, but her husband truly is a saint. Oh, and she slipped in a Keanu Reeves is Awesome story in which he buys a bunch of merchandise just so he can go say hello to Ali’s husband.
Photo credit: YouTube, Avalon and Getty Images
100% agree on the bridesmaid thing. I’ve done it a few times and it left me financially burdened for months each time. I think brides who do the big bachelorette weekend away (which is what the deal is now, go to Nashville or Vermont or Quebec or Miami) and everything else are just…the worst. It’s torture. I say no now and everyone is shocked when I say no. People ask me how? I’ll tell you how. I have bills to pay and this wedding will run me thousands of dollars. I can’t be happy for you when I hate that you’re forcing me to spend more money on god wedding than 3-4 months of rent. Or more.
I’ve done it twice, I am no longer in touch with the two brides! It made me kind of bitter that I had to spend SO MUCH MONEY going back and forth to look at dresses, try on dresses, having dresses fitted, hen weekends away (one in Paris that was awesome but I get a headache remembering the cost). One of them is now on husband number 2 and honestly, it wasn’t worth it. I didn’t have bridesmaids or speeches, no best men etc. I got married on a Greek island with family and close friends only.
Wow. Back in the 90’s, when I was in my 20’s and bridesmaiding, we didn’t have these destination bachelorette parties. We would go to a male strip club (so cheesy I know, but it ended up being fun!) or hire a limo and go clubbing in NYC. The big expense was the dress, and I really didn’t have a lot of money back then at all, so sometimes it did put a financial strain on me, but not a burden. Certainly not even a month’s rent. This is crazy what is going on now. I hate to sound all get off my lawn, but geez.
this still happens now too. I grew up in the upper midwest and we went camping “up north” with one bride to be via 2 cars. For the other we just went out downtown and celebrated her with dinner and drinks.
When my best friend got married she let us pick our dresses and we all just went to a pumpkin patch, played in the corn maze together, and had cider and donuts one fall morning.
It will really depend on the bride.
Same here. I know i sounds old as dirt but I think kids these days have gone insane with this stuff. I went with my bridesmaids one night to bars in Grand Rapids Michigan (married in 1997 when I was 22). Some things i think have evolved- I think kids these days are way smarter to marry later but the bridesmaids stuff and the size of weddings is insane. It’s the marriage kids that counts, not the wedding. I think the same thing about having kids- I cant believe the gender reveal parties, the this party, the this party. It’s the parenting that counts, not just the birth. But I know I’m old. Lol.
Writer Jia Tolentino gives an interesting take on the attitudes surrounding this topic and the sort of impact the ritual of weddings has on women in particular. The essay’s titled “I Thee Dread”
Bridesmaids are slowly becoming a thing in my country, but here the bride pays for everything. Want people to wear a dress you picked out? You pay. Same with destination weddings. You pay for accomodation for all of your guests. I find it so strange that you have to pay for it yourself.
I agree to some extent and in my experience the bride will pay for a few things. Like she’ll pay for your dress or for your hair/makeup the day of.
As for destination weddings, my sister had one and people obviously paid their own way. I didn’t find this tasteless as people were choosing to pay for a 5 day all inclusive vacation while attending her wedding. That’s a choice obviously, but she was OK with people not coming. This was a trip for everyone. Food, all drinks, were included.
Weddings are so so so expensive for everyone involved. A regular ol wedding in the states is around 15-25k. If she had paid for everyone to come to the DR? Insanity.
I had a destination wedding and I paid for everything for my bridesmaids – their dresses, their jewellery, their hair and makeup. Yes, it was costly (I try not to think about how much we spent) but I couldn’t dream of asking someone to travel for my wedding and then do me a huge honour and favour at their own expense!
I have an ex-friend who forced us to wear THE UGLIEST custom-made bridesmaid dresses on the PLANET that cost an absolute FORTUNE (like $400, and I was a bartender and full-time student) and looked hideous. And I was 24 and gorgeous, if I do say so myself.
The hair and makeup lady (which cost another $150 that I could ill afford) also did a number on me (asked what I liked my makeup to look like, to which I said, “subtle and natural, no dark eyes or red lips, please.” GUESS WHO got black eyeliner all the way around the eye and bright red lips??), to the extent that when my parents, who were wedding guests, saw me, my dad said, “hi, honey. You look…hi!!” And let me just say that my dad has NEVER failed to be complimentary about me in any way in my life before or since. He told me I looked radiant and beautiful right after I’d had a baby. So for him to be at a loss for a compliment speaks VOLUMES.
I hand-made all of the food and the cake for her shower (and got less than three hours of sleep the night before as a result) and she was peeved that it wasn’t at a restaurant. She was awful. I only wish I’d realized just HOW awful she was before she stood up in my wedding (with $120 reasonably cute bridesmaid dresses, with which they could wear whatever shoes they wanted and no expectation of professional hair and makeup) and now she’s forever in my photos with a hideous sour face because she wasn’t the center of attention.
Wow, cathartic! Sorry I wrote a novel. TLDR: Ali Wong speaks the truth, bridesmaiding is largely the worst.
I hope I have escaped this by having cool bridesmaids that for the most part know each other, picking a color of dress (black, for a black and white wedding) and saying to wear their own choice; and pay for their hair and makeup, also their own choice of style.
I’m with her on bridesmaids! Have done it 6 times, some truly awful, pricey dresses. Only one has ended in divorce thus far so that’s good. I guess I am lucky as they were before destination bachelorette parties and multiple showers were a thing so it wasn’t as expensive to participate as it is now.
There’s more than one bridal shower now? Per bride?
Yup. I work PT at Williams Sonoma and in wedding seasons we frequently have people shopping for gifts for multiple showers for the same bride/couple. There will be one for family, one for local friends and possibly another for hometown friends, a couples shower, maybe one hosted by coworkers, etc. At minimum, maid of honor seems to be expected to be on hand at all, with bridesmaid invited but not always expected.
Isn’t there like a brides shower,and a bride and groom shower or something?
I hate showers to begin with (sorry)I’ve never been to a fun one,and I hate those games they play at showers.Ugh
I would kill myself. I always hated showers, they were the biggest bore to me. Oh no way I would put myself through this nonsense.
I had multiple showers and it was honestly kind of embarrassing and I hated it. The reason we had to do it was that my parents are divorced and there is a bit of bad blood between my dad’s sisters and my mom as well as my family is HUGE so if we invited everyone together plus my husband’s (also large) family and friends it would have been completely unmanageable for the hosts. There was no overlap among the showers except for my sisters (my MOHs) and I told them in no uncertain terms to not bring gifts and they were under no obligation to come to any except the one they planned. All in all I had four and they were all done at the insistence of other people: mom’s family/my friends, dad’s family, husband’s family, work
In the UK the bride usually pays for her bridesmaids’ dresses. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice. The first time I got dressed in a ruffled, peach monstrosity that was almost certainly highly flammable. The second bride was a total bridezilla – I hadn’t seen her for six months before she asked me to do the role. I didn’t feel I could say no. She dressed me in what can only be described as a tent whilst she had a beautiful, silk, bias cut Catherine Walker that fit her like a glove. When I asked if it would be possible to have the tent taken in a smidgen I was told “No. I don’t want you upstaging me.” Another warning sign was that none of her six chosen ‘friends’ wanted to come to the hen party and, at the ceremony, when I asked her why she hadn’t asked the old university and childhood friends who turned up to be bridesmaids she replied – and I quote – “I hope you don’t think I’m shallow but I chose you for aesthetic reasons.” This turned out to be a mistake it seems because she later told me that I had “ruined” the wedding photos by pulling a strange face. (I hadn’t – it was just my face).
Funnily enough we are no longer in contact…..
oh my god
The offhand way you write about such a horrific, treacherous bitch has left me gasping!
I never take time in the mornings to comment as I’m always running late but let me just say I hope karma is relentless in catching up with that broad and you get a hardy dose of
schadenfreude!!
Haha – I’m relaxed about it now because it was a long time ago. However, karma has not at all caught up with her. The last time I saw anything about her was – and I promise I am not making this up – when I opened a Saturday supplement in a national newspaper and saw a whole interview plus photographs of her about her amazing life and fantastically successful business!
I’ve been in multiple weddings and had my own. I definitely tried to be as low key as possible – buy the dress they all agreed on (gave them like 5-6 month window to buy – none of that must be bought in same batch crap), and show up. I had hair/makeup available but only a couple used it because I told them they did not have to use and they could do whatever they wanted with hair/makeup, and shoes (i hate being told what shoes to wear!!) I did have a bachelorette only because they insisted honestly, and it was a one day event and anyone from out of town stayed with me so no hotels and those like me (who prefer to go home after a party) could do just that. Attendance was optional, no pressure, everyone has a busy schedule. I know my sister caused a lot of problems for my party, so I still feel guilty about that to date.
Now some weddings I’ve been in have been low stress, and it was a great experience even traveling across country for the event. But others…. less enjoyable. I think it comes down to the silly things. Like having to buy an unflattering bridesmaid dress 8 months pregnant for a wedding that would be 10 months after purchase date (i had no idea what size and cost me another 100 in alterations so nearly 400), or still being told what overpriced uncomfortable shoes to wear even though the dress is a gown and not one picture of shoes was done. Or having to get hair/makeup even if I’d do better with my hair. Or pitching “disappointed” guilt because i couldn’t attend bachelorette weekend that would be for me a 5hr car ride (alone) while postpartum/nursing. A nervous/ anxious bride makes things hard, I’ve never lost a friendship over it though. Most I know where there stress is coming from so I just vent to hubs and move on lol
I’ve heard people talk about spending thousands after the dress, hair, make up, bachelorette trip, shower, and whatever little costs that add up.
I went to the courthouse. Honestly, I was never close enough to anyone to feel like I could ask them to spend one of their only days off, much less a huge chunk of change.
We did too. For us, our idea of a wedding was about two people. It wasn’t about colors, cake, blah blah blah. We went to the courthouse, didn’t tell anyone, then afterwards we went to our favorite diner for breakfast. It was small, but perfect.
Been a bridesmaid in two destination weddings, which is where most expensive ones really are.
One wasn’t ‘that’ bad because we had airmile points and the bride was budget conscious for everyone, so a few hundred considering it was a 4 day weekend in a major city it wasn’t horrible.
The other was thousands – pricey dress, alterations, shoes, hair, makeup, international airfare at peak season, expensive hotel was blocked for us no alternative, activities for wedding group that were “optional” but not really, i needed to renew my passport, and gift…. add in the bridal shower help and gifts. Yeah not cheap.
We did courthouse too after work on a Friday and then went to dinner after. It was so perfect! We had a small mock wedding later on for family, where we did the white dress, vows, cake, dinner, etc. but it was only 33 people (close family and friends) and it was more to please our parents. We had no bachelor/bachelorette parties, no bridal shower, nobody standing up. no gift registry. It was low key and we had a great time.
I’ve been a bridesmaid in large weddings 3 times and every time, although it was fun, it’s so expensive and so much to keep up with with all the stuff you’re expected to do! Each time I stood up it cost me between $500-$1,200. The bride told us what to do/buy and I paid for everything myself and I cannot wear any of the dresses again. They were all from bridal shops and very bridesmaidsy. I didn’t want to do that to anyone else and I also didn’t want to be forced to choose among my wonderful friends who would be included and who wouldn’t and possibly cause hurt feelings.
I have at least 2 more close female friends who will probably ask me to stand up when they get married. I’ll be honored to be invited…but secretly, I’ll be agreeing with Ali Wong.
There’s one woman left who I would do this for. My sister. Because I can be absolutely honest with her along the way.
People are basically asking you to be unpaid help. If I’m a guest, I will show up with a massive gift and in the best, most supportive mood ever. You force me to wear a crappy dress and organize your shower? I’m out. Everyone makes choices and if you want a massive wedding, you organize it and pay for it.
“People are basically asking you to be unpaid help.”
+1, I was MoH twice and it almost killed me to prepare all the stuff for the bridal shower and the wedding in my spare time (I was working 60h+ at that time and in a diffcult relationship).
And I don’t even believe in marriage. 😉 So I will def never ever do this again.
She’s great. I totally get her wedding aversion, I would have loved to go to the courthouse or, tbh, not gotten married at all. It was all for my mom and while it was nice I dreaded every aspect of it, from choosing the dress to opening gifts at the shower. And that walk down the aisle.
And my wedding was so low key compared to some. One gal at my gym just posted a bunch of photos from her elaborate “proposal” to her maid of honor and another one just told me how she has to pay $450 for a bridesmaid dress and doesn’t know how she can afford hair and makeup, the bachelorette trip and a gift. Ugh. It’s such a huge industry and some people really go all in.
I’ve been in six wedding parties, three of which where I was the MoH. I once made the mistake of tallying up how much I’d spent collectively on all these weddings and it was truly shocking. The worst part is that I’m really only close still with ONE of the six brides. As much as it makes me feel like a bad person, it’s hard not to feel resentful about all that money–especially for the weddings in my 20s, when I really couldn’t afford it!
I didn’t mind when I was a bridesmaid back in my 20s. They were my cousins so we are still close. We were all broke any way so no one was asking for me to pay a fortune. No one was doing a weekend away for bachelorette. We just danced in a club. The dresses were always very reasonably priced and the shower was low key (like someone’s house). When I got married I let them pick their dress, i paid for makeup, told them do what they want for shoes and hair and just kept it low key. We didn’t do any trips nor would I expect that. This was just 10 years ago.
Now it seems everyone wants to book a trip and expects you to shill out thousands of dollars and use vacation days for their wedding events. It’s insane. Like no. I think it’s selfish. The only thing I used to complain about were the bridesmaids that didn’t pull their weight. But it didn’t result in more money out of my pocket.
Lastly I feel too old, have too many responsibilities, and just don’t like partying anymore anyway.
I got kicked out of a wedding after I spent $1000 on the dress, destination bachelorette party, favors, etc. Saw the bride in a whole new light while at the bachelorette party. She really became so self absorbed and vain. Her high school best friend and her turned into a couple of mean girls, and I was like pshhh I’m too old for this – let me peace out with my box of fireball in the room and see you all on Sunday. She kicked me out of her wedding 2 weeks prior to the date, but asked that I still attend as a guest. I did not.
i’ve been a bridesmaid once and…i’m not friends with that bride anymore because of it. her mom and sister made all the decisions about everything and then asked us to cut a $850 check with no input from us for her shower (for 25 people….a nearly $6k shower for 25 people where the meal as SOUP…imagine my shock) any fun we could have had at a bachelorette party or dress shopping or getting our hair/makeup/nails done – she and her sister completely spoiled by refusing to participate or backing out at the last minute. then after – she never talked to any of us again b/c she was married, we were single and she was now only friends with her husband’s friends wives. such BS. the dress was so ugly a prom donation place wouldn’t take it.
i had a huge wedding and did not have bridesmaids and it was great.
I’ve been in many parties. The only one i helped pay for a shower was my sister’s because I told my mom Id split it with her and i bought prizes for another one (which were like DD giftcards so nbd). Bridesmaids pay too much with the dress alone, I couldn’t imagine asking my girls to pay for the shower!
Where I’m from, the bride pays for the dresses. We don’t buy them but rent them, including wedding dresses. That’s why most brides will have a few changes of dresses throughout the ceremony and reception. Having someone as a bridesmaid is seen as asking a favour so the tradition is that the bride would also give the bridesmaids a red envelope which contains a small amount of money.
@Elle
Mind if I ask where you’re from? Cause this sounds so reasonable! Haha
I’m from Taiwan. Why do Western bridesmaids have to pay for everything themselves anyway? I’m genuinely asking.
The practice of phallic everything is SUPER annoying. Last time I was a bridesmaid, at the bachelorette party I gave her a “bride to be” hat that had a nautical theme b/c she was marrying a sailor and another bridesmaid gave her a phallic hat. She wore my hat because it wasn’t so embarrassing.
Can someone just tell me where Ali gets her glasses? In general and those in particular? I’ve looked (admittedly, not recently), and I’ve never had any luck.
She buys sunglasses and has the lenses changed.
After having an awful experience as maid of honor (bride turned into a Bridezilla and wouldn’t stop the self-absorbed behavior after the wedding…the friendship fell apart less than a year after she got married) and seeing my friends go through similar experiences, I’ve decided I’m not having a bridal party, even if I have a traditional wedding. I can plan a shower with my mom. I can have a fun little party with my friends as a “bachelorette.” But I’m not asking my friends to pay for all that stuff and dedicate so much time and effort to MY wedding. Wedding culture has become insane in the last few years with destination bachelorettes, Instagrammable showers, and the like. Brides see this stuff on social media, not realizing how insanely expensive it all is, and think they need it too — placing a huge financial burden on their friends. It’s not fair, and it’s not good for the friendships you value.
Same here! Wedding parties are not worth it. I’ve watched too many people grumble about the cost, the expectations, and friendships get ruined. It gives me anxiety when I think of managing that many people. I’ve only been a bridesmaid once before, it was probably the most simple wedding I’ve been to. The couple was very conservative and had their reception in the church hall across from where they got married. The bridesmaid dress was from Modcloth. It was a potluck reception, no alcohol or real dancing (some swing dancing and I can’t swing dance). I’m still friends with the bride though we haven’t been close in a long time.
I was asked to be a bridesmaid again earlier this year by a close friend. I said yes and was honored to be asked but this friend also asked a mutual acquaintance who is notoriously difficult to be one as well. A lot of people were stunned she asked this individual as this person has caused drama and alienated friends over the years. I just want to survive with my friendship intact with the bride. She seems like she’s going to be a low key bride and that’s all I can ask for.
Her take on weddings and being a part of the wedding party is spot on. I have been a groomsman in two weddings and hated it both times. It was expensive all around from the tux rental to the bachelor festivities and the traveling, etc. Both times left me hurting financially. I’m also an introvert (INTJ) so big social events are incredibly agitating, draining and frustrating for me. I couldn’t say no to either because the weddings were for my sisters but I had major anxiety from the get-go. Everytime someone commented on how excited I must be, I would be admonished as a bad brother when I tried to be honest with how I really felt. And I was trying to be as gentle as I could with my explanation. Also, both marriages ended in divorce just a few years after tying the knot.
Not long after the second wedding, I received a call from a childhood friend I hadn’t spoken to in more than a year. He asked if I would be one of his groomsmen. The wedding was taking place out of state in the city his bride was from. I took a deep breath and told him unfortunately I just couldn’t swing it financially at the time. It was the truth but also, I really didn’t want to attend another wedding. He said he understood but sounded extremely hurt, like I had just killed a puppy. He said we’d hang out the next time he was in town. I looked up his registry and sent them a very nice gift but I never heard from them. That was the last I’ve spoken to him and that was in 2014. Truth be told, I honestly don’t miss that friendship.
IF (big if) I ever do get married, it will be a small ceremony, a courthouse one if possible.
Yeah, they are torture. Expectations are becoming higher and higher. It isn’t just ‘wear a hideous dress for a day.’ You’ve got to get your nails done together, and rehearsal dinner, and a girls weekend, and throw the bachelorette party, and at least one photo session, usually more, and then it’s a video for the bride, etc…And even mostly sane women get in the “but I’m the briiiide” mode and act like spoiled brats.
Idk maybe I sound old and grumpy, but I’m really glad I got married before the era of Pinterest weddings. Everyone is so concerned with scheduling a million picture perfect moments and documenting them all that it seems like a huge hassle and like they’re missing out on some of the genuine moments.
I think maybe this is a Western thing, but I was honestly really surprised when I found out that bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dresses, tickets, etc. for any wedding related activity. Like, where I come from, bridal parties aren’t exactly a thing, but if they were, the person having the wedding would absolutely cover the cost of the dress and everything else for them. You’re the one requesting their presence at your wedding. They don’t have to be there. You ASKED them to be there for you as a bridesmaid. The least you can do is cover the costs.
I mean, I get that weddings are expensive, but it’s like…this expectation just strikes me as kind of very entitled ngl. So I don’t blame Ali Wong for being like, “Nope.” If you can’t afford to cover the costs, you kind of shouldn’t have a bridal party. But maybe that’s a really harsh view of all of this, I dunno.
I’m European background and there’s no way anyone in my culture would expect her bridesmaids to pay for anything – the bride pays for dresses, hair, makeup and usually also buys some jewellery as a thank you. The only thing a bridesmaid covers is shoes (though not always). That said, I still hate being a bridesmaid/moh, it’s so much more fun just being a guest.
I’m getting married next year and I only have a MOH, by best friend from uni, who lives on the opposite coast of me. I told her to wear whatever she feels like a million bucks in, and her only jobs on the day will be 1) hold my bouquet for the ceremony, and 2) witness/sign the marriage license. Most of all, I want her to have fun with me!
When I had bridesmaids I said to them do you have a black dress? Great wear that, and the times I was MOH my friend said buy something you love and will wear again. I was happy to drop some money on some pretty dresses that I still wear… We are a low key bunch though…
My bestie had a huge crazy wedding and didn’t have bridesmaids… phew! Still dropped a grand to be there though. But I was happy to do it out of love!
The biggest gift I gave my friends at my wedding was not asking any of them to be attendants. We had no bridesmaids or groomsmen, it was fantastic. We still had friends around us on the day and had a little joint bachelor/hens night but nobody had to buy special clothes or give up any time or money they didn’t want to – and not wrangling all those extra people really cut down on the stress! I couldn’t recommend it enough.
This is all so hilarious to me. I can’t believe people even do this at all! I think it would be the height of self centered rudeness to ask so much of your friends. Not to mention why is everyone so willing to be manipulated by the wedding “industrial complex”? It’s all such a ruse and distasteful show of materialism. Frankly I think if you fall for it you deserve any fallout that comes your way.
I have a life partner and children, but I can’t imagine setting back my family thousands or tens of thousands of dollars just for an unnecessary show. I’m happy I have been able to put that money towards paying for a home and caring for my family instead.
Can you tell I don’t like weddings? Lol. I don’t even believe in legal marriage, unless there’s a tangibly necessary reason for it. I’m constantly mystified why anyone decides they have to get married.