Because of Sherlock and the first season of Fargo, I had a deep respect for Martin Freeman as an actor and a person. He’s SO talented, and I guess I thought that must make him a good person. It does not. Martin Freeman had a common-law marriage to Amanda Abbington for years. They were partners, but they never actually got married. They split in 2016 and they seem to loosely share custody of their two children, a son and daughter who are now 14 and 11 respectively. Well, Martin is promoting his new TV show where he plays an “angry father,” and long story short, he’s talking about how, sure, he “smacked” his kids a few times.
Actor Martin Freeman has admitted he smacked his son, 14, and daughter, 11, and called them ‘little f***ers’ when they were younger. The Hobbit actor, 48, said he’d smacked his children Joe and Grace twice and sworn at them more than twice. The father-of-two also conceded it was a rule at home with his former partner actress Amanda Abbington, 45, not to do either of the actions to the children ‘but you know, I’ve done both’.
‘I know I’m not supposed to do it, but there are so many images about how (parenting) all just has to be brilliant that it makes people feel bad,’ he said in a candid interview with The Sunday Times. ‘Because it’s not brilliant. I mean, it is – it’s the best thing I’ll do. But that doesn’t mean it’s not really hard. This idea you only ever rationalise with a toddler? Genuinely, good luck. If you could do that, God go with you. Amazing. I’m not proud I did that, but I have. I don’t think it’s a policy. And I’ll do it again!’
It is illegal to smack children under The Children Act 2004 unless it amounts to ‘reasonable punishment’. The NSPCC has called for a complete ban on smacking, saying that it only gives children a bad example on how to handle strong emotion, may encourage bullying, and could cause them to lie or hide feelings in order to avoid the punishment.
The cursing thing… in general, cursing around kids doesn’t matter to me, but he makes it sound like he was calling his kids terrible names in front of them? Which isn’t great. But the smacking thing is awful. Like, he’s open-hand smacking his kids? What age were they? If you think it’s hard to rationalize with a toddler, why would you think that smacking them will be the thing that works? I hope to God he wasn’t smacking his toddlers. But honestly, there’s not a good age to smack a child, because it’s f–king ABUSE.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
Damn….
The internet affords you an opportunity…EVERYDAY…to find out something…you REALLY DID NOT WANT TO KNOW…about someone you admired for what they bring to the table professionally….
I feel and think being emotionally and physically abusive to children is deplorable….PERIOD!
I know, it sucks! I have decided to just assume everyone in the entertainment industry is a POS and that way I won’t be disappointed.
I don’t have kids but I was a full time nanny for 4 years. I cannot imagine ever smacking or cursing at a child. Yeah, sometimes a swear word slips out but to call a kid a “little f*#ker”? That’s disturbing. And violence is never ok.
Calling physical abuse “smacking” seems so diminishing of the long term psychological effects of violence on children. Smacking? What even? (Is this a linguistic difference because I’m American? Idk.)
Yeah smacking is really only used in reference to a child…. and often refers to the bottom. It’s the word that seems to have been reserved for that so it doesn’t sound as bad as ‘hitting’ your child.
I can empathise with the instinctive urge to FEEL LIKE smacking if you’re really frustrated wih your kid’s behaviour. But actually doing it is something else entirely!!
I think the American equivalent is “spanking”. It’s hitting with an open hand.
It’s all semantics. It’s child abuse. He’ll get into trouble over saying this, and that’s a good thing.
I think he thinks It sounds cute. It doesn’t.
My English mum referred to spanking as “a smack”. Smacking was always on the bum.
Either way, any time a parent becomes so frustrated that they resort to violence to exert control over their child, it’s a sure sign that they have completely LOST control of themselves. Also, it teaches the child that violence is the ultimate way to solve problems.
(Yes, I have children; they are 21 and 16 years old and they are both kind, well-behaved, well-adjusted human beings).
My English mum referred to spanking as being on a bare bum, and a smack was usually to the face/head area. Both were open-handed. A beating was with a wooden spoon or a belt. I swore I would never hit my kid, and I haven’t. Once when I lost my temper and said a bad word (many bad words), my then 5 or 6 year old sent me to my room… and I went. A short time later his little head popped through, and a little voice said “feel better?” … and we hugged, snuggled and it was over. I don’t remember what was going on that I lost my temper, I do remember my kid sending me, the adult to her room to settle down!!
Just to pipe in that I know so many kids of Gen-Xers who were never spanked, smacked, etc and were great kids and are now great young adults.
I was spanked as a kid, and I remember feeling really scared when I knew it was coming. I have never spanked my kids, because I just couldn’t. The thought of me causing physical pain to them was appalling too me. It seems counterproductive and I never wanted them to feel afraid of us. So we did the grounding and take away things, which worked for us. I have never sworn at them either. Have we sworn in their presence? Sure. But never directed at them. Swearing isn’t a deal breaker in our home. But abuse is.
Same. I was spanked as a child, and it was really traumatizing. I vowed to never ever ever spank my kids. Im 35 and I guess we might have been that last generation where spanking was the norm? Or at least acceptable
Yep, I was also spanked and I just remember it making me very angry and feeling like I wanted to hit back. Violence begets violence. It’s not ok.
I was beaten as a kid & as a parent now, couldn’t bring myself to think a spanking was OK, I never hit my kid. Tho, yes. I have sworn at my kid & feel super ashamed. It was twice and we talk about how I made him feel unloved, and I have apologized. As an early childhood psychology student, I’ve learned that consistency is the best thing for kids. So if the kids “knew” they were “going to get a smack” it wasn’t as scary as a dr jekyl mr hyde parent. I work towards consistency. Consistent rewards & removals of privileges & not raising my voice. Parenting is HARD, to want to behave to tender & purposeful, but then to lose control. It’s utter anguish to lose control! A sincere apology is the best, but I thank God I never normalized either verbal or physical violence. Every generation gets better?
I was also spanked as a child (sometimes with an open hand if it was my mom and sometimes with my dad’s leather belt and sometimes with “switches” because it was the south). Let me tell you, I haven’t lived at home in nearly 20 years and I can still feel the anxiety and terror I felt when I knew a spanking was coming. I wouldn’t wish that on ANY kid, I don’t care how big of a tantrum they have. There are better ways to teach manners.
I was slapped on the face a lot as a kid, and I’ve only just realized in recent months that I actually have a bit of ongoing trauma from it, the underlying fear, shame, hurt, anger, confusion were disrupting my sleep and contributing to chronic pain in my neck where I was in a perpetual flinching state. Meditation and hypnosis have helped so much, highly recommend. But…never ever ever hit a child is what I want to say; it’s just such an unfair power dynamic.
Aside, and apropos of nothing: referring to @EB getting “switched”……Did y’all know that’s where the term “rule of thumb” comes from? That it’s the size of switch (tree branch, usually new growth, so supple…like a whip) a man was allowed to cut with which to discipline his property …his wife, his children, his animals and his slaves. The branch could be no bigger than the circumference of his thumb. Hence, rule of thumb….
I can remember, so well, the walk from our patio to the far end of our lot to a particular mesquite tree in order to pick the switch that would see the back of my legs. Switches, belts, wooden spoons and nails dug into my skin at church. And my husband has plenty of horror stories. Early on, his gut response in disciplining our occasional incorrigibles was to loosen his belt, OMG. I broke him of that notion in one evening. I grabbed a belt and started going after him. I swore if he ever did anything of the kind to our crazy fabulous boys, I’d get medieval.
Funny thing though, it dislodged some awful memories he had, and suddenly he was so ashamed. I’d had my shameful moment when my oldest was throwing a tantrum at a restaurant, launching silverware at all the diners. My dad was there. Never said anything until I asked him what to do. He said he would’ve removed me, taken me to the car and without anger, spanked. Then rinse and repeat as necessary.
My shame was in the car, and we didn’t go back in. Instead we walked around the block with tears on our faces. Discipline is important. Obviously. But how you discipline determines whether your child respects you or is afraid of you. I loved my mother and father. And I miss them. And I know they lived with the guilt of how they chose to “handle” me. Different time, yes, but if you’re human and love your kids, causing physical and psychological pain in order to create well-behaved children is ludicrous, hypocritical and lazy. Anyone from that parental corner in our history knows exactly what I’m talking about.
My mother has told me that if she knew then what she knows now, she would have never spanked us at all, or allowed any physical discipline. My upbringing was largely idyllic, but I can still remember the shame and fear as a small child when I was spanked, and I will not and do not do that to my own kids. My husband’s mom used a belt, her hands, a wooden spoon, whatever. We agreed when I was pregnant that we would never hit our kids.
The highest compliment my mother has paid me to date was to say how she admires my patience and kindness when dealing with a misbehaving or out-of-control child, and what a good mom I am. My little one (7 now) had some CRAZY tantrums as a toddler and young preschooler, and I was sometimes gritting my teeth when encouraging her to “use her words”, trying to help her interpret her feelings, and redirecting her when I could sense one coming. She has so much emotional awareness and sensitivity now, and I think that’s because we worked on it SO much.
Really, I can’t fathom what goes through people’s minds when they hit their kids. They’re so small, they trust you so much, and the thought of hurting them or breaking that trust brings tears to my eyes. It’s hard, hard work to stay calm and reasonable and patient. I don’t always; I yell sometimes, but I always say I’m sorry and I never yell AT them. I may yell in their presence, but never at them. This guy is a dumba$$ and I hope he gets the wrath of the world on him for these admissions.
I know exactly what you’re saying AMA. I’m human, and I yell sometimes. God my husband… well sometimes I act like I’m in the Navy on shore leave just to keep up lol. Throughout the years, nothing has meant more to me than seeing the boys’ facial expressions when I’ve apologized or when I’ve allowed them to see my many flaws and have conversations about strength and growth and how it never ends.
The best thing any parent can offer besides love is humility is to listen. My middle son sounded like an old soul from the start. I don’t know where he came from. My oldest only did the opposite of anything asked. My youngest simply pretends he doesn’t hear lol. But when I’ve come at them in full mom mode, you could feel their hearts bursting, faces flushed with apologies. I can’t imagine a world where I would have sent one of these boys for a walk across the yard to a mesquite tree to grab a switch for me to whip them with it. That makes me cry right here right now just typing it knowing that’s exactly what I used to do for my father, who incidentally was the greatest man I’ve ever known and miss him every day. He gave me my heart and soul. And a handful of times, he hurt my heart and soul. Try balancing that dichotomy in your brain everyday lol!
I am always amazed people like Martin Freeman. He is a jerk, with a Napoleon complex. His jealousy against Cumberbatch during Sherlock is in plain view. His breakup with Amanda is very suspicious.
I like his work, he is a talented actor but not so much as a person – he’s always had a rep for being an a$$h0le. Gossip is his relationship with Amanda ended when she found out he was having an affair with a Sherlock super fan.
I did not know about Sherlock super fan. I heard it was with someone in the US. The US person can also be a Sherlock superfan I guess. You can tell that Amanda was rally hurt and she could not hide it. I am glad that she seems to be doing ok.
There is no Napoleon Complex.
The British made that up and in reality Napoleon was above average in height for his time.
Oh, cool! Celebitchy comes through with informed commentary as usual. I’m being serious, this is so interesting! I’ll stop using that term.
Yep. It was British propaganda that he was short and it stuck. His height in British units was 5ft inches 2 inches which is the equivalent of 5ft 6 inches in modern metric units. The height stuff was just a way for the opposing side to diminish his superior intelligence in battle strategm. He may also have been perceived as short because in the presence of his imperial guard, he was. Those men were usually well above average height.
I enjoy his performances, but yeah he’s always seemed like a total douche since The Office days.
My former boss came into work one afternoon and he was looking a little sullen and I asked what was wrong and he said that he had to give his son his first spanking today. He open hand swatted him on the behind three times after given the kid several warnings to correct his behavior.
I was open hand swatted on my behind, just like my boss, in my youth. It meant business and I needed to cut it out.
Now, this is a completely different beast because in my social work years I have seen the smack and no, absolutely no. Don’t be proud of that.
When I say my parents smacked my I mean an open handed slap on the backside and I don’t think it was ever more than one.
I grew up in England. Smack or slap = open handed strike on the bottom when it is mentioned in terms of disciplining children.
@Gobo. I was referring to when I was in my old job witnessing actual open handed slaps across the face and the escalation that followed. That is just…no.
I read a while back that he and Benedict Cumberbatch can barely tolerate each other, and that’s the reason there’s no more Sherlock. He also made some disparaging remarks about Sherlock fans; blaming them for being too critical and that being the reason that the series has ended. Then Cumberbatch refuted that and stuck up for the fans. Ever since then, Freeman has been diminished in my eyes. Plus I would side with Cumberbatch over him in a heartbeat. LOL.
he also gets weirdly personally offended by people who ship sherlock and watson, but then so does the dude who wrote it
My parents smacked me and my sisters until we went to secondary school, at which point we were told we were old enough to know the difference between what was right and what was wrong. From then on we were sent to our rooms to reflect on what we had done or said. I hated that and wished they would go back to slapping me because it was over quickly and I was always much harder on myself than they were on me. I have never hit anyone, but do not think my parents or people like them are abusive. They were kind, compassionate, imperfect people doing their best to raise their children and pay the bills.
One time my dog got a hold of something and if they swallowed it they might have died. It scared the bejeezus out of me and I hit the dog to get it out of them. The wail and look of surprise from my dog was one of the most upsetting things I ever heard in my life and years later I feel awful about it. And just once with a dog was enough to know I would never ever hit the kids. I am sorry for all children, including you, who have had to go through violence, because I find it destroys secure and safe attachment. Some kids muddle through the emotions but other kids I know ended up with drug addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders, borderline personality disorder, depression, etc. I hope the effect of complex ptsd (no huge traumatic event but just lots of long strings of time of say, being smacked, spanked, yelled at, ignored/neglected/not feeling safe in your family of origin or home) and mental illness will eventually become better understood.
Don’t you dare feel sorry for me. I was not a victim of violence. I had a loving and warm family and I still do. The day my father died, the woman who had loved him for 60 years and all their children sat with him, holding his hands and reading aloud from his favourite books. Neither of my parents ever acted out of anger, they raised us in the way they thought best and then stood back and supported us as adults, in everything we did and in all the choices we made. To me that is what being a parent is all about.
Thank you for listing some of the lasting effects abuse has on children. Also, while smacking is indeed horrible, I’m surprised that so many people are focusing on the smacking and not on the verbal abuse, which is just as bad, if not worse. Tearing young children down verbally can set them on the path to self-destructive behaviors and partners /bosses/friends who don’t value them either. As a child, I was hit, choked, cursed out, devalued, and abandoned emotionally by my mother and physically by my father. I do think the verbal/emotional abuse has left longer lasting scars than being hit. This isn’t to minimize physical abuse but to warn readers not to downplay the effects of emotional/verbal abuse on children.
As kids, my sister and I got a lot of beatings from my parents, especially my dad. Pinches, slaps, pulling of the hair….but never sticks or belts. I used to be so scared when I did something wrong because I knew a hiding would be coming my way. Even in my twenties I used to be scared of my dad if I did something wrong (well, at least wrong in the eyes of my parents….and we’re Asian so you can bet there were lots of things that were wrong in the eyes of my parents!) But I knew then (and I still know now) that my parents loved me and my sister so much and their actions were just a product of their generation. My sister and I are very happy and well-adjusted adults and I especially have an excellent relationship with my parents. My sister has two kids now and has never ever given them any form of corporal punishment. I’ve always prayed that if I have kids, that I also never hit them.
My parents were loving and were wonderful parents and they spanked us too.—very infrequently and only if we did something awful and were being disrespectful towards them. I feel like you do, Jellybean. I don’t feel that i was abused at all; in fact i know i wasn’t. I had a warm, loving, supportive home with parents who were doing their very best. I know my grandparents spanked my parents when they were growing up (and i know both my parents considered themselves to have had very happy childhoods), so it was just what they considered normal. And the spanking (which was only a few times in my whole life) did indeed make us snap out of whatever bratty behavior we were engaged in. And i certainly don’t feel that i was abused AT ALL.
@K-Peace Agree 100%. There’s a bright line between spanking and abuse, although I understand how it might be blurred for people who suffered physical abuse. I was spanked once or twice as a toddler, both times when I did something dangerous like wandering into the street after I’d been told not to. I disliked the spanking and thought my mom was “mean” for doing it, but you can bet I never wandered into the street again.
I don’t spank my own kids, because in today’s world I don’t want to teach them that “when you get mad, you hit.” And frankly, they’ve never wandered into the street. But we have to understand that there’s a real cultural context in which well-intentioned spanking is not abuse.
I’m far more disturbed by the verbal conditioning/abuse. If you call your children “little f****rs” in anger, they will believe you and act accordingly.
Same. We were spanked. I am not traumatized. I have great self esteem. I don’t use it as punishment on my child. I’m not a bully or an angry person. I think saying occasionally spanking your child is equivalent to abuse takes away from what abuse truly is, and it’s offensive to people like myself and others on this page to say we are victims of abuse, because we aren’t. Our parents passed down how they were disciplined. It’s now seen as not the correct way to teach, but it’s not abuse (in most circumstances). I take offense to someone calling me a victim of abuse and listing armchair psychology at me. I turned out fine. People are so quick to put everything in nice neat boxes with pretty bows, that they don’t see how it takes away from the true seriousness of the terms they are using.
Yep ,spanked at home, but mostly threatened with it. And the cane at school. That was for the really bad kids. Also flashed and groped on the way to school and home afterwards. So I’ve been abused and sexually assaulted according to todays criteria. We talked and joked about it. It was the norm. I’m fine. Please don’t tell me I should be traumatised.. ps. I’m not saying it’s right.
I was slapped twice and called a terrible name once. You best believe I remember and it still stings. You never know how kids react to these types of punishment. Don’t have kids if you think this is okay. Anyone can slip up or lose it but if you don’t think it’s a big deal, read some books before procreating. It’s 2020,we know better now.
Discipline is so important when raising a child.
But I’m sure he will explain his comments.
What he did was not discipline. He lost his temper and used violent language and behavior to control his kids. I hope the authorities investigate. He’s a jerk for explaining his behavior as a way to ‘relate’ to people who feel they’re imperfect as parents. You can be imperfect parents – we all are – and even lose our tempers, but not become violent and abusive.
His kids were younger than 14 and 11 when he did this? Wait till they’re firmly in adolescence.
I’m surprised that he was able to add a new layer of horribleness to his personality, what with the homophobia, casual racism and rape apologies.
I grew up in a fairly traditional Southern household and my father used the belt on my sisters and me. Not frequently but definitely more than just a handful of times. And my mom used a wooden spoon. I think back on that and remember that feeling of dread and hot humiliation and shame, and also bubbling rage and resentment for my parents when I got a bit older.
My father has since had a massive change of heart and has really shifted his point of view, including sincere apologies. I’m grateful for that, but also realize (thanks to years of therapy) that when I married my first husband I unconsciously married someone very much like my father.
I left him when he went after our then 3yo son with the intention of spanking him hard.
That kind of discipline does nothing good, ever, for any child. Freeman is right that it’s pretty hard to reason with toddlers (I have a 22 month old as well). But they absorb everything and if they experience violence–even just swatting–at the hands of their parents, that teaches them that hitting is ok, that they can’t trust their parents to protect them, and that conflict gets resolved by the person with the most power using that power against the weaker person.
No thanks. Parenting is *so* freaking hard. I get it. I have so much empathy for those moments of utter exhaustion and frustration because every parent has been there. But hitting your kids is not the answer.
Well said.
And again, it’s not discipline. Maybe Freeman didn’t have very good parenting skills. You can’t reason with a toddler, but there are other approaches that can work. He may have been expecting too much from them, too soon.
I have called my godson a little fucker to his face many times, when he was an infant peeing on me, refusing to sleep, or yanking my hair. Usually in a hushed baby-talk tone because I find it hilarious, and HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND IT. Ever sang an obscene lullaby to a frustrating newborn? Highly recommend. Once he said his first word, that shit was over. Gotta cut it out looooong before he could understand or repeat it.
The problem here is his attitude. In the heat of some of my awful behavior, my dad slapped me once and apologized for WEEKS. And never did it again. There’s a way to say “I’ve lost it and smacked my kids, I’m not proud of it, never again” etc. Not that that would excuse the behavior, but I know lots of parents whose frustration got the best of them, and how awful it felt informs their decision not to touch their kids. My biological mom was abusive and she messed me up so badly. I love where he talks about “trying to reason with a toddler” and it’s like… so walk away? Take a deep breath? Think about what you actions will do to your kids? YOU are the adult, so act like one. I don’t know, he’s just going about it allllllll wrong.
@Savu, it is possible for kids to be affected by things that happened to them when they were pre-verbal. I really don’t understand why you felt the need to “jokingly ” curse at a baby. It sounds demented, frankly. Even if the baby didn’t know what you were saying and you said it “jokingly,” you clearly got a perverse kick out of calling an infant names.
WTW- Oh, get off your throne. Jokingly singing to a little baby that he’s a little f**ker after peeing on you is not going to affect the baby. If you don’t understand why someone would jokingly swear at a baby they were caring for 24/7, then you either never had a baby and/or you have unrealistic expectations of what being a human with normal emotions means….and no sense of humor about what this experience actually entails & how humbling it is.
Last sentence of her first paragraph “Gotta cut it out looooong before he could understand or repeat it” shows that she knew what she was doing & was doing it to relieve some stress in a very stressful situation with humor, not being a poor parent who was damaging her kids. If you can find a way to laugh (proven stress reliever) when you’re losing your mind with a baby…do it!
WTW, Go take your shaming somewhere else. Newborn babies aren’t affected by sing-songy swearing, but mothers are definitely affected by mom shaming & I find it perverse & demented to do that to others.
MC2 – Good Lord lighten up. Your response is vicious and I’m surprised it didn’t get cut. You have no reason to go in so hard on WTW – we don’t have “unrealistic expectations of what being a human with normal emotions means”. Hitting or swearing at a small child is not a normal emotion, nor is it funny and definitely NOT a stress reliever. We’re not “mom-shaming”, we’re sharing personal stories of the lasting impact being hit and humiliated as young children has.
Signed:
Someone who was hit regularly as a kid and was traumatized by it
@MC2, I only scanned your comment. But I am a victim of child abuse, and I take any signs of child abuse very seriously. I have complex PTSD, anxiety, depression and physical health problems as a result of my childhood. The effects of child abuse are lifelong. My relatives thought it was cute to curse at me, and much of their abuse came through the guise of jokes. I have no qualms about shaming abusive mothers. But, for the record, the poster in question said s/he was a godparent, not a mother. I can also say that I have worked in a preschool and babysat many small children and have never had the impulse to jokingly curse at them while changing their diapers. Question why you think calling this out is mommy shaming.
@wtw abuse survivor here too, for what it’s worth. Years and years of physical, verbal and emotional abuse as a child. Sorry for what you went through, I’ve been there too. I absolutely find it funny to sing “you’re driving Auntie crazy, go the fuck to sleep” while I hold this baby I adore and would never hurt. It’s just me trying to make myself laugh and relieve the tension that comes with caring for an infant, and for me (and his parents), it works! Babies can’t be assholes because… they’re babies. He can understand my tone but not my words. The juxtaposition of “are you being a little jerk?”, but in baby talk makes me laugh. His parents like to call it Dirty Baby Babble. Have you ever heard of Go The Fuck To Sleep, the book? Or the Asshole Toddler Instagram? It’s just that type of humor. I would never cause him the type of pain I felt throughout my childhood. He’s now a happy healthy toddler who You’re welcome to not like that kind of humor, but it is absolutely not abuse, and I know abuse in the same way you do.
I hope you have adequate resources and support – it took yeeeears of hard work in therapy, but I finally feel like most of me is on the other side of trauma. Wishing you love & peace ❤️
Everyone needs to take a beat here. Savu offered a reflective, sad and light-hearted account of her own experiences and she gets called demented? C’mon, not ok. I think we can all recognize the mariana trench-sized difference between cooing funny swear words at a relentlessly peeing newborn and verbally abusing a child. I sympathize so much with those who have suffered at the hands of their caretakers, and I’m so sorry that so many are still suffering. But that doesn’t mean there can’t still be room for a sense of proportion and nuance before leaping to the worst possible interpretation of how someone sings to a baby. This topic was recently the subject of a popular parenting column where a mom frustrated that her husband swore at their 3 year old son. The verdict? Most definitely not ok, but also if you call a newborn a turd that was perfectly within bounds. Please try to read OP’s comment in the spirit in which it was intended.
anyone ok’ing calling an infant, baby, child a little f*cker seriously needs to get their head examined. wtf.
@Jules, Honest question, do intention, tone and feeling matter here? Or is simply the fact that it is a traditional curse word the only material consideration? What about wee booger? Or poop monster? Or little shit? Are they all equally condemnable?
I was spanked and “swatted” as a child by both my parents but my Dad was the main “punisher” in the house, which seems to be a theme. I was only spanked once or twice and I dont feel like it was abusive, I had a great relationship with my dad up until he past and still a great relationship with my mom. BUT I dont feel like it actually helped me. I think it made me scared but it didn’t make me clean my room or stop playing with the microwave or whatever I was doing. It just made me sad and in pain. My sister is a “swatter” she will swat at her girls if they dont listen, do something dangerous etc. Open hand on their bottom or thigh. I hate it.
My life guy is three and hardheaded. I do not hit him, swat him etc.. but I have yelled at him, especially when he does something that scares me like playing by the stairs. I’m never proud of it, I hate it, I hate when my partner yells at him. But I feel like what Freeman described was actually calling his child names, which to me – is abusive. If you’re yelling bad names at your child… stop. I have yelled “Stop it!” Or “Get off of there!” But never a name at him.
Parents who are communicative and respectful of their children should never, EVER have to resort to violence to discipline their children. Wtf. This is awful.
Exactly. And it’s not discipline, it teaches nothing; it’s control, it’s the misuse of force.
I’m mid 50’s and was spanked by my very loving mother, and all my friends were spanked by theirs too. I’m not saying it was right, but it was done as a widespread and accepted form of punishment at the time. It would hurt my feelings more than actually hurt, which a punishment does if you’re remorseful. And then we would talk and then get on with life. I have no lasting side effects from that kind of punishment. I never felt like it was abuse.
But my alcoholic dad—he’d curse at us, and I have to say it hurt so much worse. There was no apology, no great talk, no loving rebuke. That has lasted in me, that was degrading and hurtful and impacts our relationship today.
Unpopular, but I swatted my own a few times. Never in anger but in a “you’re tiny and this is a dangerous situation and you can’t be reasoned with at this age”—and do not tell me a 2 year old can be reasoned with—but I never cursed at my kids, called them names, raised my voice, etc. Ever. They are grown now and we have such amazing relationships, nothing like my dad and me.
So long story short, calling them names and cursing at them? That’s can be so much worse than spanking.
Men used to be legally allowed to beat and rape their wives, too. Norms change. Spanking is hitting and hitting in a vulnerable place (and near the sex organs, which is another problem with it) and today, the norms have shifted and it is considered abuse.
Please never say any form of physical force used in anger against a child is “not as bad” as another form of abuse.
All forms of abuse are bad, all are damaging. It is damaging for survivors of any form of abuse to be told that what they experienced is “not as bad” as the other forms. This is a hurtful thing to say, regardless of what your own personal experience.
Studies have shown that it is not necessarily the kind of abuse, or even necessarily the extent of the abuse (this within reason), that has long term negative effects, but how it was done, if the child felt like they knew the punishment, what to expect & that they had done something to know that this would be the consequence. So, not all abuse has the same effect on people.
I’m not a proponent of any kind of physical punishment, or corporal punishment, but studies have shown that certain factors make physical punishment more damaging for the child- these include when the parent acts out of rage, anger, the child did not know what to expect in the punishment, when it would end or did not feel like they did something to deserve the punishment (when it’s more about the parent’s mood or wanting to hurt the child, rather than correcting the child’s behavior). So…..if a parent tells a child, calmly, that they will get two spankings if they run in the street & the child runs, and gets two spankings, this does not have as much long term damage as when a child accidentally spills their milk & gets two spankings due to the parent’s frustration or anger, that they did not expect or would not have gotten on a different day that they spilled their milk.
I resonate with Pansy feeling differently about her two experiences with two different parents & appreciate the share.
Sticking with what I said: survivors of abuse don’t need others splitting hairs about why they feel as they do or do not. It can come across as a justification for some type of force.
Think beyond your own experience. My mother shouted at me sometimes and I’d rather get that any day before a slap, but that doesn’t mean it’s right,
Cursing around your kids is not the same as calling them little f*ckers. That’s emotional abuse, plain and simple. Incredible how easy it is to dismiss it as just swearing.
Around season two of Fargo, I read an interview with Martin (I think by Entertainment Weekly), and he was an absolute prick to the service people he encountered while the reporter was there. Example, someone came by offering him a selection for lunch and his short-fuse reply was “I do not like — sandwiches, can that just be KNOWN!?” If a woman did that, omg, the diva “tough to work with” label would never die, but no one batted an eye at him. There were a few other things like that in the article, enough to make it impossible for me to ever like him or his work. Imagine what he’s like when press aren’t there.
I am tired of the narrative about abuse. I am tired of entitled children believing they can say what they want to adults and we have to take it. Say what you want but I will not allow it in my presence. I am not a person filled with rage that needs to beat a child’s behind, but I am no slouch while Mr & Mrs I’m so educated that my child runs over me and makes explosives in my home because I respect their privacy…not while hubby and I pay all the bills. I am not an elderly person, I was born in the 70’s. But because I am nosey I found that my oldest child was dealing with traumas from school that was not brought to my attention by him or anyone else in his daily life. I have taught my sons to be a free thinkers and to understand that everyone has to answer to someone else… whether you are an adult or not. But for all the laws forbidding parents to discipline their children has empowered children to be maniacs and parents to be afraid. Not in my house.
I can’t remember the last time I spanked because my youngest is 11 and understands what I expect from him, but spanking has to be carried out at least once so they understand why you’ve drawn that line. The police will discipline your child, but you can’t? Ridiculous!
Signed,
Black Woman married 20 years raising 2 sons
But I don’t think it’s a question of “hitting you kid” or “rampant disrespect and drama”. You can have boundaries and discipline and high standards for your kids and also not hit them.
I honestly have no idea what point you’re trying to make amongst this bizarre world salad.
I doubt Freeman’s toddlers are cooking explosives in the house.
“spanking has to be carried out at least once”
WOW that’s seriously disturbing. If a person doesn’t know any way to discipline children except through physical violence, they are a terrible parent.
“The police will discipline your child”
Um…. police don’t “discipline” children. They uphold laws.
Well, on that point, nope. If you’re not white in America very often the police are not upholding laws, they’re targeting people of color.
I made the statement about the police because they can be called for anything a person deems suspicious. My son can be detained or hit not knowing why he was accosted. It can later be revealed that the wrong person was identified or the person calling had no real cause to be alarmed it was just a black man nearby. Consider that as discipline… walking, driving, or breathing while black and there are no reprimands for these officers. As long as law enforcement can handle my children as they see fit even if there is no crime…I will do what I must to protect my child and prepare him for what lies ahead outside his parents front door.
“at least once so they’ll understand…” No, thanks. And the thread is against smacking kids and calling them dirty names, not discipline.
(backing away slowly…)
I don’t understand why you think there are only two parenting options; hitting your kids or having no discipline at all. It’s not an either/or situation.
Jesus. It only gets worse when you read his full statement. I knew nothing about his off screen life or behavior prior to this and the comments, but I can’t imagine he treated his wife especially well. What an assshole. I seriously hope he receives major backlash and suffers consequences from this .
I just think why would you spank a kid when it could cause lasting emotional damage when there are other ways of disciplining a child that don’t have the risk of causing emotion damage? It’s clear that spanking has had lasting negative, psychological effects on at least some people and permanently damaged their relationship with the spanker on at least some level. Why would you risk it? Just because you can? Or because it’s a quick and easy way of getting your point across to your kid?
There are other punishments that don’t carry a risk of damaging the child or your relationship. Putting a small child in time out for 2-5 minutes and then talking to them about what they did wrong is effective. Taking a screaming, fit throwing child, and putting them in their crib or bed and ignoring them until they calm down a bit is effective (making sure that they’re not crying because they’re sick or hurt or scared of course.) If it’s a danger situation, yelling out in a loud and firm voice often works just as well to get a kid’s attention and stop them in their tracks as swatting at them. Or if you’re close enough to hit them, you’d also be close enough to pick them up and remove them from the situation, possibly right into a time out if they’re doing the dangerous thing on purpose after you’ve told them not to. If they’re not sharing, fighting with someone over a toy, being violent with a toy, or damaging a thing, take the thing away and tell them no one can play with this since they couldn’t play with it nicely. There are just so many options, why risk the spanking?
Well my parents both “smacked” me – my mother would actually slap my face too and it was horribly humiliating. I have many memories of having my butt hit with a hairbrush, that was their favourite tool of terror. I am not a mom but I would NEVER EVER hit a child. It was/is traumatizing. The last time my mom tried to slap my face I was about 15 years old and I managed to grab her by the wrist before she landed the slap and told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever did that again I’d never speak to her. That stopped the slapping.
I hate this guy now.
Did he have to say this and so proudly? Did he even think twice about how this would make his children feel? Parenting IS hard and every stage has its different stressors, which I totally get. You’re not supposed to be able to reason with toddlers, their frontal lobes aren’t developed yet. They have no impulse control or sense of internal regulation. This is HIM taking out his own angst, stress, and learned behavior on his kids. It’s not okay and it never will be. Abuse begets abuse.
My father was beat by his father growing up and refused to ever lay a hand on his kids, and he didn’t. My mother would threaten a spanking a lot and someone she would but it didn’t hurt. Mainly hurt my feelings. I got the most mild form of spanking ever. That being said I refuse to spank, hit or swear at my children ever. Violence doesn’t teach kids not to hit. We talk things out in this house. I tell any one who asks that “you do not hit the people you love no matter what!” Obviously you do not hit anyone but it’s just my way of exhaling why we are a “hands free” home.
I have a friend who’s son hits/scratches and throws people around…and they hit him, because he hits people, as a form of punishment. It makes me cringe but they are doing the best they can. It sends mixed messages.
Who did the hitting first, the parents or the child?
If the parents were non violent but the son has a behavioral problem, they need help.
The son does it first. He loves to scratch people’s faces and arms with both his hands as hard as he can. He did it to my son, same age, and we haven’t been back over since it happened. They think it’s normal boy behavior but my toddlers don’t ever act like that, and I have a boy who has never in a day acted this way.
G DAMB IT MARTIN!
I loved you, you dumb scrawny bstrd!
We had spanking in school, either with a wooden stick/ruler or a metal pointer. The student would be made go in front of the class, strip down to their underwear and hit on the backside. It was humiliating.
It never happened to me but I was so terrified that I was a “good” child who sat still and quiet in fear. I never even asked to go the bathroom for my entire secondary school because I was too afraid. I was “sick” all the time because some weeks certain nuns would be on a rampage.
That was over 30 years ago and I’m still afraid of authority and confrontation.
I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been to grow up with that fear at home. Home was safe.
I am sorry to all of you who have suffered.
He may have acting talent but, he is a lousy person.
Not interested in seeing him perform any longer.
The swearing I can kinda get. Man, do kids push buttons sometimes, and you just snap occasionally. As long as it isn’t constant, it’s not great, but I get it.
For physical punishment….I go back and forth on it because it really depends on the kid, but a lot of modern studies are showing it’s no more effective than other forms of discipline. We were spanked as kids, but it was typically structured discipline – like you had bypassed several layers of OTHER forms of discipline before you got to that point, which is a whole other animal than just randomly hitting a child in anger. I don’t consider myself traumatized from it.
My mother was older, though, and came from a generation where that was completely normal – and she did grow up witnessing legit domestic abuse. She might have changed her tactics if she’d been raising us knowing what studies know now, but I never considered her intentions abusive. So I can see how Freemen may come from generational thinking, though the casual way he says it is mostly what’s off putting. There’s definitely more awareness about it now.
For those who are not traumatized by spanking that is fine. I’m not telling you to be but I am saying it informed my decision to be child free so as to never risk anyone feeling like I had as a child.
Any child who is hit, smacked, slapped or spanked will be traumatized by some degree. The adults saying they “are fine” have only forgotten or surpressed the trauma. It’s the way trauma works. Sadly many will go on to repeat this violence on their own kids. We live in a violent society, it’s crazy how this stuff gets normalized.
Jules, they don’t need you speaking for them nor do they need your armchair diagnoses. People are capable of interpreting their own feelings just fine, you don’t need to hijack and distort them to prove your point.
I swear there’s always one when this topic comes up.
I think everyone should do what they think is best for their families, and stop judging.
Families can be loving and still spank Or disciplinarians and not spank.
nope. this is why we have social services and child protection services.
I am 38 and my mother hit me as far back as I can remember. It was open palm and she hit me in my face, left fingerprints on my arms where I had to wear longsleeves etc. She stopped when I was about 11 when they gave us a hotline number for child abuse in school which I held protectively and threatened to call them on her. I have spent most of my adult years in therapy over my mother. She has and will never be loving, although I have to put up with her since my father chooses to stay with her. She admitted to me at 20 that she was abusive because it was how she was raised and felt in competition with me for my father’s love. I believe she still feels that way to this day. She always also hated my paternal Grandmother and was competitive with her as well. She has refused all suggestions of counseling.
What an asshole.