Advice for couples on dealing with the quarantine: acknowledge the issues, listen

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I remembered reading that after the quarantine was lifted in China, their divorce rates spiked. I was saddened by the news, but not exactly shocked. Spending that much time in close quarters during an already stressful time will test many relationships. So what can a couple do to come out of quarantine stronger? Dr. Ish Major, host of Marriage Boot Camp, told People Live that the best thing to do is to face your issues head on rather than just sweeping them under the rug.

Dr. Major’s specific advice was:

What are some tips you can give couples who are currently in quarantine and maybe at each other’s necks right now?

It’s one of those weird things. If you had asked us two weeks ago if we would like a week or two at home, we would have been like, “Yes! I’ll take it”. But now that it’s the thing we have to do, it no longer feels like something we want to do. So if you’re a couple in trouble, you are absolutely not going to tiptoe your way through this quarantine and get around that big pink elephant in the room. So most couples don’t get in trouble because they don’t know how to resolve issues, they get in trouble because they never actually address or acknowledge the issue in the first place. You don’t need to get the elephant out of the room, just address, “Hey, I see this huge problem that we’re having. Do you see that problem?” And then from there, you can have a normal conversation with a lot of pauses, which means you are doing a lot of listening. We don’t need each other to hep figure out our problems, we just need to be heard and ensure that. That’s the first step for couples are quarantined at home that are about to go at each other’s throats.

“We just need to be heard and ensure that,” I would add to this, “we just need to be heard and for everyone to do their own goddamn dishes.” Truthfully, I think Dr, Major’s points are great. We all know couples who bitch about each other endlessly and when asked if they have talked to their partner about it, they say, “oh they wouldn’t listen.” I know how much easier it is to pretend the issue isn’t there, but it never does go away that way. Speaking up seems scary, but in most relationships, it’s scarier in our minds than in reality. And working through something that’s been hanging between you is one of the greatest reliefs. Sometimes resolving it gives the relationship a new lease. But I really appreciate Dr. Major emphasizing the listening part. And that means really listening, not forming your next argument as the other person speaks. I think he is exactly right, most couples don’t really need help communicating properly, it’s not addressing things that does the most damage.

One turn of phrase I found very interesting was when Dr. Major said, “get around that big pink elephant in the room.” ‘Pink elephant’ is an old-fashioned way to indicate someone’s drunk. So I’m wondering if it was just a misuse by Dr. M, or was he touching on a larger problems housebound couples are having. I think as important as it is to address the issues someone might been having with a partner, we should all keep mindful about what issues we are seeing in ourselves. I’m eating poorly and it’s triggering some latent ED issues. So I doubled up on my exercise routine and it’s allowed me to stop being so hard on myself.

On another very serious note, I’m sure we have all read the stories about how quarantine is proving an even higher danger to victims of domestic violence. I’m feeling helpless because I really don’t know what I can do to help out. If there is any way we can be supportive to those in danger that you know of, please leave suggestions in the comments. The National Domestic Violence Hotline for the US is 1-800-799-7233. This website has more resources and Wikipedia has a page devoted to global hotlines. Truly, stay safe out there.

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Photo credit: WENN/Avalon Photos and Twitter

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19 Responses to “Advice for couples on dealing with the quarantine: acknowledge the issues, listen”

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  1. Astrid says:

    With two teenage boys at home, dishes are definitely a trigger! They manage to the dishes to the sink/counter, why not the open empty dishwasher?

  2. Mac says:

    Going from eating one meal a day at home to three has led to an implosion of dishes.

    • Aims says:

      I’m running my dishwasher twice a day. I just made a comment to my family last night about it.

  3. Aims says:

    I am so glad you brought up domestic violence and including a phone number. Thank you for that.

    I’m not in a domestic violence relationship. I have a great husband, who I adore. But dear God we’re on week two and I need a break! Thankfully we’re healthy and I went shopping last night. So we’re set, but I’m a girl that needs her space. This has been torture.

  4. savu says:

    We have a beautiful living room, and a bedroom-turned-den that’s my office and a smaller cozier tv room. I’ve been decamping there when I need alone time. It’s made a difference! Then I’m actually happy to be around my partner when we want to be.

  5. Mabs A'Mabbin says:

    Actually, and y’all can hate but the reverse has been true here. Getting anyone to pitch in with chores is normally the hardest chore. But since the quarantine, everybody is doing a lot more than normal (shock of all shocks). Right now, this very second, the damn kitchen is clean! :O And now that C is meeting his teachers and classmates online for digital instruction, he’s doing his schoolwork. He’s frakking doing his schoolwork! Without me having to badger. Small miracles.

    And all this positive contribution has made these male humans quite nice to be around!

    • lucy2 says:

      That’s good! It very well may make a lot of people realize the unfair burden their partner has at home.

      I live alone and my house is a mess right now, I’ve been working (thankfully) and when I’m done I just kind of zone out in front of the TV for a while. But at least it’s my own mess, I can’t stand when others make a mess in a shared space!

      One of my local news outlets has been sharing domestic violence help info from the beginning. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be, in general, but especially right now.

      • Mabs A'Mabbin says:

        Yes, I can imagine. Not wanting to get too deep and emotional, if this had happened a year-and-a-half ago, things would be unbelievably hard. The hubs has been sober for that long, and he wasn’t a nice drunk. We very well could be living our worst nightmare so I have a lot to be thankful for, and I can empathize with anyone having to stay at home with an abusive family member. Makes my heart ache.

    • MeghanNotMarkle says:

      I wish things were going that way in my house. Nobody wants to do anything, including school work. This is going to be a long quarantine.

  6. Zapp Brannigan says:

    If anyone is interested you can donate to https://www.thehotline.org/donate/ or https://www.womensaid.ie/support/donate.html domestic abuse helpline service, a friend’s daughter got her a donation for mother’s day as they had to spend the day apart (we are isolating here in Ireland, all schools shut and working from home where possible) and friend was so proud of her daughter she cried. There is no domestic abuse in their home but her daughter wanted to get her something meaningful that supported women in need.

  7. margedebarge says:

    We’d been in a rough patch before this even began, and had a blowup the other day bad enough that I started to break quarantine and drive 3 hours to my mother’s house. I wasn’t 10 minutes down the road before I changed my mind. We have a lot of work to do but I want to save the relationship so badly. I suppose by the end of this the answer will be clear one way or the other.

    • CuriousCole says:

      I’m sorry Marge 🙁 Relationship stress affects me like nothing else, I really sympathize with you. I hope you are both able to find peace.

  8. MeghanNotMarkle says:

    I’ve never been more grateful to live in paradise. We live in a 36′ fifth wheel and it is TIGHT with all of us home now. At least the weather here in the Keys has been fantastic so we’ve been able to get out for some fresh air and SPACE. The dog gives me a good reason to go for regular walks and one or two of my kids usually come with. Of course, I’m still working so I have my space today through Sunday and a little change of scenery. Nobody is traveling, though. Our airport is a ghost town right now so I’ve got all the time in the world to read through my favorite gossip sites.

    But yeah, my husband and I are doing alright. No arguments of any type since our quarantine started. If anything, we’ve been enjoying spending time together. He always tries to make me laugh, which helps a lot with my depression and anxiety. He’s a good egg.

    I feel for those in abusive relationships or marriages that just aren’t that strong right now. I can’t imagine what this experience must be like for you. 🙁

  9. Lady Keller says:

    I can see the divorce rate skyrocketing. 2 weeks in and I’m ready for a divorce. My husband sits on the couch and plays video games literally all day long. I’m trying to entertain and educate the kids. Keep the dogs exercised and out of trouble. Keep the house clean. Cook endless meals and do endless dishes. And I get nothing. I went upstairs for 15 minutes of quiet and he came looking for me because the kids are getting into trouble.

    • jjva says:

      That sounds like my ex-husband to a tee. I’m sorry. I hope you see some improvement.

  10. Ariela says:

    I travel a lot for work and I’s really enjoying working from home and spending lots of time with my husband.

  11. KinChicago says:

    I am struggling. Attempting to work from home on reduced hours. Many layoffs. Financially it already hurt but it is going to get worse.
    Half the time is spent begging, pleading to be left alone to do my job. The other half spent trying to work. He wants me to “take a break” every few minutes, talks over my calls, plays video games, music, watches TV shows, movies and I cannot do my job.
    I don’t interrupt him but apparently my work does not deserve the same respect.
    Literally more stressed than I have ever been.

  12. Lindsey says:

    This is going to be such stressful time for so many. Sending hugs through the internet void.