This election brought out emotions some of us didn’t even know we had. Mine were on a giant wheel in my head that my subconscious spun every few hours to see what extreme I would jump to next. And it looks like I wasn’t alone. Famed chef and Food Network staple Alton Brown showed a different side of himself Monday night. Alton is known not just for solid recipes but for a more scientific approach to food and preparation. Every dish comes with some historical perspective and, if we’re lucky, a cheesy dad pun or two. Sure, he’s always been fun and quirky but the eve of this highly stressful election broke our stalwart honey lover. Alton descended down a wormhole of food barbarism, we didn’t know if he’d come back.
Things started gentle enough:
No matter what happens tomorrow, we’ll still have tiny chocolate doughnuts.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
Nothing seemed amiss. Lord, who hasn’t turned to the siren’s call of the waxy chocolate seductresses when things get rough? The next tweet was Alton’s first step off the path:
I'm seriously thinking about @LittleDebbie
#NuttyBars and cigarettes. Honestly, like at the same time.— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I won’t lie, cigarettes have been very much on my mind too so while this caught my attention, I was still willing to simply titter at the imagery. The next tweet, however, there was no mistaking – Alton had dipped his toe in outlandish waters. And from there, he disrobed and dived in:
So many Food Network people are like "oh, I'm going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam…" Screw that, I'm going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder!
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I'M TALKING ABOUT PIPING SPAGHETTIOS INTO STALE TWINKIES AND EATING THEM NAKED IN THE SHOWER WITH A BOTTLE OF JAEGER
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I HAVE 17 CANS OF DUNCAN HINES FROSTING AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM. BACK THE HELL OFF!
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I'VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I'LL DEAL WITH YOU AS SOON AS I'M DONE WITH THIS CAPT CRUNCH SITZ BATH.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
TWO WORDS: RANCH…STINGS.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
MURDER HORNET FONDUE
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY EVER MET A "JOLLY RANCHER"?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
YOU WANNA EAT WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT? FINE…EAR WAX.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
PRINCE SAID IT BEST "LET'S GET CRAZY."
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
SWISS FREAKIN' MEATBALLS FOR EVERYONE
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
GRAPENUTS ROCK…ESPECIALLY WITH HALF N HALF AND SCOTCH.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
CANNED FRUIT SALAD AND CHEEZE WIZ WITH HERSHEY'S SYRUP AND GIN
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I want you to go out right now and buy Fritos and cat food.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
Turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer.
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
who's with me?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
I SAID "WHO'S WITH ME"?
— Alton Brown (@altonbrown) November 3, 2020
Of course some of these are simply irresponsible. Like the Murder hornet soufflé – is that a cheese, oil or chocolate fondue? Because if not prepared properly, a murder hornet can be quite bitter. And what type of cat food for the Fritos? Wet to dip them in or dry to make a mix? I absolutely concur with his Grape Nuts and Half and Half assessment. I have yet to try that combo with scotch but if it’s Alton Brown endorsed, I should at least hear the man out.
Maybe Alton indulged in some libations, maybe it was just too much processed sugar or some form of cigarettes. Or, maybe, like the rest of us, he simply needed a few moments of pure levity to ease the crushing weight of anxiety that loomed over this country coming into this election. Our constant and unwavering focus on the US’s political pulse has left us wound up tighter than a drum and maybe we should all howl at the moon to release some of the toxic dread swimming inside us. I say go, Alton! I hope he and his followers road this wave as far as it crested and when it was over, they fell back in exhausted relief. Just as long as he didn’t actually eat ear wax.
Also, if anyone is looking for a holiday gift for me, a t-shirt with, “I’VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?” is all I want from here on out.
Thank you to The Wrap and DListed for the story
Photo credit: Instagram and Twitter
I will be sitting on the couch today with a jar of marshmallow Fluff and a spoon.
In a book series I read, the main character is obsessed with marshmallow fluff. As a Canadian, I’ve never tried it. Could you explain exactly what is fluff? I feel like I need to buy it after the borders open.
Marshmallow fluff is a gooey spread that looks and tastes like melted marshmallow. Sometimes used as an alternate to jelly in PB & J sandwiches. I went through a marshmallow fluff and peanut butter sandwich phase in my 20s — sooo good!
It’s better than melted marshmallow (and it’s usually Halal!). It’s unset marshmallow, basically, but it tastes even better somehow.
Think of the filling in a cupcake or Twinkie. It’s similar to that.
I’ve never loved it (a bit to sweet for me), but you can get it on Canada, at least some places. It’s marshmallow spread, so easier to spread than melted marshmallows, a bit sweeter, and the texture’s kinda airy and light.
My brother what a fluffer nutter phase, which is a sandwich with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff and that’s all he wanted for awhile.
@Roma Do you mean the Expeditionary Force by Craig Alanson? I love that series
On the Kraft bottles of marshmallow fluff is an excellent fantasy fudge recipe by the way. Invest in some high quality chocolate if you choose to make it. You’ll be glad you did.
@ANYA: yes!!! All hail Skippyasyermuni.
I don’t know him, but that was funny as hell!
That marshmallow fluff quote is hilarious. i kind of wish i had some marshmallow fluff right now. When I was young and full of pointless energy I used to make marshmallow easter eggs with that stuff, and it was good.
This is hilarious and so relatable given the craziness of the last few days, heck the last 4 yrs. I am so hoping some semblance of normality will return to us, but I will go on his food journey with him.
I went out and bought box of Madelines!! God, they were delicious.
I thought this guy was fairly conservative?
I’ve been slowly picking off my kids’ Halloween candy. Trying not to steal too much.
He had me until he got to the canned cake frosting. Eww, that’s just nasty.
Yes to all of his tweets. Off to buy some cigarettes after not smoking for almost a decade.
No no don’t do that! Instead get marshmallow fluff and party.
I like a big blob of it in my double chocolate hot chocolate.
Or rim a martini with it.
I feel like Hecate included a thirst trap photo of Alton before letting us all down with a follow-up picture that he’s a taken man.
I love Little Debboe Nutty Bars. 😂 I almost always have some in my house. Alas, currently I am all out and now Im sad. 😩
Cheesecake for breakfast. Strawberries on top to reduce calorie load to zero
I appreciate the lack of snobbishness in his hilarious posts. I have never followed him or watched a show with him in it, but I feel a sense of camaraderie now. I don’t usually eat Cheetos, but I’ll admit to imbibing on Tuesday and Wednesday. And his comment about three feet of garden hose is a little too real given I have an unpleasant medical procedure coming up next week. I’ve never had marshmallow fluff, but maybe I need to try it out pre-procedure in honor of Alton.
He’s a national treasure. His Quarantine Quitchen posts were gold.
Marshmallow Fluff is wonderful and I think they should have moved National Fluffernutter Day to November 3, from October 8, this year.
And if you’ve never had it, you have to buy Fluff, the real stuff. Not the generic, or anything labeled marshmallow cream, or the marshmallow stuff they sell to top ice cream. And IMO, a fluffernutter is best made with old school Jif, with the sugar, peanut butter, on white Wonder bread. Horrible for you, but oh so good!
I was thinking about at shirt with the marshmallow fluff and garden hose quotes on it too. I laughed so hard
Blend cream cheese and marshmallow fluff together and you have one hell of a yummy fruit dip. Fruit optional. Just make sure to whip the cream cheese first.
I love Alton
Is it just me or did Alton Brown get a lot hotter?
17 cans of Frosting! I can just see him threatening to fling them at us! Hysterical.
LMAO Used to watch this guy on Food Network all the time! Glad to see he’s still as goofy. I totally stocked up on junk food in prep of this week. Runnin low on supplies.