Halsey has been very honest over the years about their struggles with endometriosis, a miscarriage early in their career, and their strong desire to have children. After she announced her first pregnancy, she was subjected to rude speculation/judgement that her pregnancy was accidental and she felt compelled to explain her reproductive choices, saying the pregnancy was “100% planned, and [she] tried very hard for this bb.” In light of the recent SCOTUS decision, Halsey has opened up again to Vogue with a powerful op-ed about their experiences with miscarriage and abortion, and how the latter solidified their pro-choice stance.
I gave birth to my son on July 14, 2021. It was a beautiful labor. I sat back, knees apart, with my partner by my side and laughed my way through delivering him. I was puzzled by the absence of tears; the hysterical euphoria was not what I had anticipated.
I had been flanked by nurses and doctors in a bed like this before, heaving through sobs and feeling blood trickle down my thighs like tiny spiders under my skin. I miscarried three times before my 24th birthday. It seemed a cruel irony that I could get pregnant with ease but struggled to maintain a pregnancy. One of my miscarriages required “aftercare,” a gentle way of saying that I would need an abortion, because my body could not terminate the pregnancy completely on its own and I would risk going into sepsis without medical intervention. During this procedure, I cried. I was afraid for myself and I was helpless. I was desperate to end the pregnancy that was threatening my life.
I thought back to this moment for a fleeting second as my son entered the world. There was the same sterile smell. The same white sheets and unnerving noises of beeping and commotion. But when Ender was born, the world went silent. My body, which I had loathed for years for routinely “failing,” had done everything right. I shed a single tear in the exhaustion of post-labor. A tear of happiness that my body knew exactly what to do. My life’s long chapter of miscarriages and abortions was reduced to a page in that moment. It was simply divided into “before” this moment and all things that would come after it. Years of blood and pain and misery from near-perilous and unwanted pregnancies, then the euphoria of chosen motherhood.
I rewrote my will during the third trimester of my pregnancy. After my past experiences, I was prepared for the worst. I gave detailed instructions regarding the donation of my organs should I die or be declared brain-dead, meaning if my heart beat on but my brain wasn’t functioning, the state would have permission to cut into my warm and still flush flesh and take my organs to save other lives. How funny that while my own heart would amount to nothing more than a series of involuntary movements on an operating table, a beating heart in my womb could mean I couldn’t consent to saving my own life.
This is what some people who wish to see the end of abortion rights believe is right. Many people have asked me if, since carrying a child to term after years of struggling to do so, I have reconsidered my stance on abortion. The answer is firmly no. In fact, I have never felt more strongly about it. My abortion saved my life and gave way for my son to have his. Every person deserves the right to choose when, if, and how they have this dangerous and life-altering experience. I will hold my son in one arm, and fight with all my might with the other.
This was vivid and so effective for Halsey to affirm their pro-choice stance by directly connecting it to a planned pregnancy. The story about miscarrying during a performance has always stood out as awful, but the other miscarriages Halsey described in the Vogue piece sound even more harrowing, especially since one of them threatened their life and required the “aftercare” abortion. (That was a term I’d never heard before, but I wonder if more terminology like this would have made a difference in how abortion was perceived). And as difficult and dangerous as her situation was, it can and will be the same and worse for other women who lack her financial resources and the access to better care she likely received as a result of being a white-presenting biracial person. (Remember Serena Williams’ story). Halsey rewrote her will during her most recent pregnancy that resulted in her son because her history led her to believe that dying was a possibility. Which really just highlights the point that people should be free to choose what to do with their bodies. Halsey really wanted that pregnancy so they choose to continue it even though it might be risky for them. And this sentence really just says it all: “a beating heart in my womb could mean I couldn’t consent to saving my own life.”
Note by CB: As mentioned in Peridot’s previous stories, Halsey uses both she/they pronouns.
photos credit Avalon.red, Backgrid and via Instagram
Incredibly eloquent essay. A perfect summary of what it means for women to must be allowed choices and bodily autonomy.
Since she is biracial, does that mean the British media is going to jump down her throat and talk about how they don’t care what she thinks about “killing babies,” or…is that only reserved for POC who dare to be Royals?… Just curious.
She may be biracial but is white presenting and that impacts how she is handled by the press and society in general.
More of these statements and stories please! This whole area has so many variations and it’s critical that people understand all the many ways in which abortion can touch our lives. There are still a lot of stereotypes and so much ignorance, we need to keep dispelling this.
On a related note, I read last week about a couple who are suing the government in Malta where no abortions are allowed whatsoever as she started to miscarry while on holiday there and was told by a nurse that they would only intervene if her live was in danger. So they spent a week still hearing the heartbeat of the baby they wanted but knew couldn’t survive while waiting for her to develop an infection dangerous enough to threaten her life to that the pregnancy could be terminated. Eventually I think she was airlifted to Mallorca where the abortion was carried out safely. This is 2022.
Now it’s better to check abortion rights before going on vacation while pregnant… this is beyond horrible and just ridiculous.
And what you described is happening in my home country. And women are dying, often orphaning small children who they wanted to give sibling. I wanna cry each time I think about it. Meanwhile the government is putting huge amounts of money into “make more children people!” campaigns. Make it make sense
I am one of the oldest commenters on Celebitchy. I am 73, proud of it, proud of the life my husband and I have created with our sons. But in 1968 I became pregnant while in college. I was terrified. I wasn’t ready for marriage, and my boyfriend wasn’t offering. He knew through a friend of a doctor in Oklahoma who was doing back door abortions at his office. $250 cash. We made the terrifying decision to go there. It’s so hard to explain to young women of today who until recently had access to safe, legal abortions, but I knew I risked death, and somehow thought that was better than disappointing my parents. We scraped together the money for the doctor and for the gas to Oklahoma City.
We made the long drive, and followed instructions to literally knock on the back door of the doctor’s office. A nurse let us in, took the cash, and took us to an examining room and handed me a hospital gown. I had never even had an appointment with an ob/gyn, but soon was on a table with my feet in stirrups. The doctor entered, and gave his nurse a sign, at which time she put a rolled up washcloth between my teeth with instructions to bite it during pain. I then had a d&c without anesthesia of any kind except for that washcloth. It literally felt like exactly what it was; having my insides scraped raw while fully alert. I couldn’t scream because of the washcloth and I bit into it while sobbing. When it was over the doctor left the room without ever talking to me. His nurse removed the washcloth from my mouth, and strapped a heavy duty Kotex on me. That was it. She said if I began to run a fever to go to an E.R.
It was over. I cried all the way back to Austin while laying down in the back seat with vicious pain. It took me years to recover from the fear and shame. But then abortion became legal and I was so grateful that girls wouldn’t have to go through the pain and degradation that I did. Now I’m afraid again. I will be marching in every march, contributing to the right candidates, and praying that no other girl experiences what I did.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am forever grateful to your generation and the generations who came before you who sacrificed so that women today can have access to safe abortions. When I had mine, all I wanted to do was talk about it. I still want to talk about it! The stigma of shame never sat well with me. Women need to share their stories. Especially now.
Thank you for your brave recounting of this horrific event in your life. I imagine one of the reasons why “doctors” (and who knows who else) can perform illegal abortions for so little money is precisely because they don’t use anesthesia or an anesthesiologist. No bells or whistles or concerns for a woman’s comfort. No painkillers, maybe no antibiotics or anything that would add to the cost. A side hustle and quick cash under the table. Who knows, maybe some judgment being passed in the back of the butcher’s head.
America is a full-on nightmare right now. Virtually everything about this country is on the verge of being the worst it’s been in one hundred years. Yet the Republicans keep pushing policy and enlightenment back towards the stone ages, but expect no one to push back on them. Rude awakening in aisle three!
thankyou for sharing your story giddy. i want to say more, but i’m also speechless? i’m so sad that you had to go through that, and i’m so sad that it’s happening again.
@giddy Sorry you had such a painful experience. Thank you for sharing your years of wisdom here with us. And thank you for being an ally.
I’ve definitely gotten that question, as if having children magically made me want to force everyone else to do it. Carrying a risky pregnancy to term and all the wonderful but long and tiring years that have followed have made me more pro choice, not less.
I appreciate the essay and sharing such a personal story but the reality a that a lot of pro-life supporters do not care. They don’t care about the woman in flesh and blood because they seriously believe they are advocating for a life who can’t. A non-born baby represents something eternal and ethereal. No amount of real life stories will make them budge.
Agreed, this is about control and cruelty and has nothing to do with women’s wellbeing.
My only hope is with more and more people realising how much of everyday life is affected by this it will push people to the polls and you can start to undo some of the damage.
I agree, but maybe stories like this help people who are on the fence or just agreeing because that’s what they’ve been told. Putting stories out like this are all part of the change we need.
I love them, always so eloquent <3
I lost my first pregnancy a few weeks ago, and still, ist feels like a living nightmare. I‘m functioning, at least, parts of me do. I can fully relate to what Halsey said she experienced, it happened to me as well. My angel was dead, My doc told me 10 days After I saw its little heartbeat for the First and Last time. Now There was nothing. I carried my little one for the next 2 Weeks, hoping ….for what, I cannot Tell. When my angel finally decided to leave me, i hoped i could do it at Home, my save space with my family around. But while i got lost in endless amounts of Blood and waves of pain, Passing out every 10 minutes, the ambulance came and took me to Hospital. I remember waking up and feeling so Relieved. My body was fighting to End my pregnancy on its own. But it couldnt. And i felt grateful for living in a Country where i could get this help without feeling guilty, for having a Choice . My abortion saved my life as well, it will be a part of my Life forever, haunting me In my weak Moments. Still, it saved me and i feel so grateful for Not beeing denied this help in a womans probably most cruciating moment of pain.
Here is to those of you mothers, mothers of angels, daughters, sisters. Keep on fighting and raising your voices. I salute you.
Thank you Halsey.