Jennifer Lopez’s horrible new video “Fresh Out The Oven”

Here is Jennifer Lopez’s new music video for her song “Fresh Out The Oven”. Honestly, I think I missed the news that Jennifer was going back to her music career, but I’m not really that surprised. She had some hits, and her acting career isn’t doing so great, so maybe she figured “why not go back to music?” This song was produced by the Neptunes (specifically Pharrell), and it also features the rapper Pitbull, who am I unfamiliar with. Oh, yes – and it’s not really Jennifer Lopez, you see. It’s her “alter ego” Lola. Just like Beyonce’s alter ego is “Sasha Fierce”. I can’t really see a difference between Jennifer and Lola though – both of them seem to be intemperate divas. Maybe Lola wears Angelina Jolie’s crappy blonde wig?

Just for fun, I’m going to do some stream of conscious comments about how horrid this “Fresh Out The Oven” video is. Here are my notes:

*Lola’s mouth is weird. And her lips are too red. And her teeth are too white.

*Bling! Lola doesn’t know about any recession. Lola must have her rocks.

*What kind of trashy manicure is that? It looks like someone had a stroke while doing Lola’s nails.

*GAH! That wig! No, Lola. Just no.

* “Break it off here, break, break, break it off there…” What is this “oven” she’s speaking of? And what exactly is being broken? I thought this was a song about baking!

*When Lola dances in silhouette, I think she’s doing a spicy “Robot”.

*Fresh out the oven/straight suga lovin’… worst rhyme ever.

*This video is so budget, it hurts. I think Pitbull must have been given a full five minutes to film his part in total, and they just keep recycling the same open-mouthed footage over and over.

*This is just embarrassing. Lola is forty years old. She’s writhing on the bed and popping her butt out like she’s still got some sort of “gansta” cred.

*Oh, hot damn! I just saw the part where Lola is wearing a Mardi Gras mask. Those things are at the Dollar Store! Best. Video. Ever!

You know what would have made a better video? Lola doing Santeria voodoo on all of the people she hates. I want to see Lola stabbing a Mariah Carey doll, and mixing up a potion to make Ojani Noa’s eyebrows fall out. Gah! Do you think that’s what happened to Pitbull’s hair? Is that the subtext? Is Lola trying to tell us that voodoo made her do this horrible video?

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36 Responses to “Jennifer Lopez’s horrible new video “Fresh Out The Oven””

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  1. fizXgirl314 says:

    I’m glad she’s still rockin’ her “lube-it-ons” in the video…

    bitch needs to have the de-squeak not turned WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY up… :/

  2. seven says:

    My thoughts Kaiser.. what are we breaking off?

    Whats that big… golden.. sparkly thing thats shown twice or so…

    Rod Stewart called he needs his wig back.

    Maybe im old but i dont get it :(

  3. fizXgirl314 says:

    de-squeak knob I meant…

  4. the truth says:

    fresh out the dustbin, this is crap , she looks a mess the song is crap, sorry jello faillllllllllllllll

  5. Rose says:

    She is about as sexy as ear wax.

  6. ViktoryGin says:

    *Sigh*

    No one. No one. Is allowed to escape from the scythe of Father Time. So, that obviously includes ageing formerly relevant “divas” who are picking at the bits in order to resurrect their moribund careers. This too-hot-to-trot shit has an early expiration date and is not viable post 30. Not while you are pathetically plugging the catalogue of the hottest urban neologisms in order to appeal to the street set. Sit down, Jennifer. Take care of your kids, and celebrate your demise with some dignity.

  7. Bina says:

    Looks like Tina Turner’s wig to me – this and Louboutins are both awful songs. This album is going to bomb.

  8. janay says:

    She is wayy too old for this crap..give it a rest!

  9. Firestarter says:

    I like Pitbull.

    That is all.

  10. Praise St. Angie! says:

    honestly, if I didn’t know this was an actual video, I’d think it was an SNL spoof.

  11. Lee says:

    The awfulness of the song is matched by the awfulness of the video. It’s epic. I couldn’t watch the whole thing.

  12. voodoobetty says:

    Epic Fail

  13. sara says:

    She. Cannot. Sing.

  14. Tazina says:

    No she can’t sing. She isn’t too bad of an actress in some of the older movies I’ve seen her in.

  15. snowball says:

    She can’t have a new craptacular video out yet, because I still have that hot mess video she did where she was helping some kid escape from a BDSM club in my head.

    Only one turd in the punchbowl at a time, JHo.

  16. elina says:

    She needs to quit. This is embarrassing and looks desperate.

  17. LolaBella says:

    It’s so obvious that they are digitally lengthening/thinning her body in this video. She has not been this thin since before the birth of her twins and her appearance at last night’s AMAs confirm this as she was much shorter and chunkier.

    JLO, just gracefully accept that your time has passed. Plus your music is crap and sounds like something that may have been hot circa 1999.

    Plus, IN THIS ECONOMY (Shout out to MK), way to relate to your fans by talking about your $900 shoes.

  18. hatsumomo says:

    God I can’t stand J-ho.

    On the other hand, Pitbull is ok. He is hugely popular in clubs and I can listen to two songs when I’m having a fabulous day and hyper. Other than that, not so much. I just cant stand graphic overly sexed songs most times. J-ho prolly paid him well for his rhymes for appearance street cred. ’cause she’s so gangster like that.

  19. hatsumomo says:

    Also I think she looks so much like that mother from Gone, Baby,Gone. Do you know the one I’m talking about? I dont remember the actress’s nane. The crackhead whose daughter went missing and could have given a shit about her? I saw that movie years ago went it was in theaters, and yet, its the first thing I thought of.

  20. gonzo says:

    i thought “lola” was just the nickname her husband gave her…not some weird alter ego thing.

  21. tvazquez says:

    horrible!

  22. icky says:

    Pure Shiite; Fresh out the Oven, yall!

  23. Mouse says:

    LOL @ “You say you want the cookie? You’ll have to wait for the cookie. No touchy, touchy, only looky looky.”

    Lyricism at its finest.

  24. SolitaryAngel says:

    I feel embarrassed for anyone who had a part in making that piece of ridiculosity. Her time is OVER. Jho, know it, embrace it, and make it yours. OVER.
    PS: I couldn’t make it through the whole “video”

  25. Cristina says:

    oh wow, i think my ears are bleeding :)

  26. anna says:

    Someone is lying to this woman.

  27. Shay says:

    Why didn’t anyone tell her the make up and hair made her look like a cracked out hooker.

  28. girl says:

    I only made it about a minute and a half in. It sounds like one of those song parodies they do on SNL from time to time. In fact I think she did one when she was on there.

    At least those were trying to be funny and succeeded (I thought anyway). This is just sad.

  29. Trillion says:

    Holy shit this is awful. Makes that Beyonce Video Phone thing look fresh. Pharell needs to start being pickier.

  30. filthy cute says:

    Cookie…nookie? For the love of Pete. Disappear back to Long Island.

  31. For Sooth? says:

    She’s pranking us, right???!!! This can’t be real!

  32. Bec says:

    Its like she is channeling Paula Abdul!

    Oh sad, I used to like her. She has lost her charm.

  33. Bambi says:

    A woman whose cookie has long since crumbled.

  34. JaNa'e says:

    it’s time for her to retire, she should go home and concentrate on raising her children because her career is on a steady decline

  35. spiceh says:

    CRAPTASTIC!!!

  36. Mutuelle says:

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