Cele|bitchy week in review: firecrotch and baby watch

  • At the beginning of the week Kate Moss was said to be dating Keira Knightly’s ex, Jamie Dornan, who also dated Sienna Miller and Lindsay Lohan. By the end of the week he was forgotten and Moss was linked with British comic Russell Brand. Moss did her bit for charity this week, and made six figures for a Palestinian children’s fund by making out with Jemima Kahn for a full minute.
  • Moss’ ex, Pete Doherty, squirted his own blood at an MTV camera during an interview, causing cameramen to fear for their health. He may enter rehab to gain back Kate’s affections, and is said to be getting a drug inserted into his stomach to block the effects of heroin.
  • Nicole Kidman attended a UN event with her fiance, fellow Australian Keith Urban. She announced her engagement with Urban to the press, and it is speculated that she is trying to beat her ex, Tom Cruise, down the aisle.
  • Lindsay Lohan had a sleepover at Paris Latsis’ house. Latsis is Paris Hilton’s ex and the second of Paris’ exes with whom Lohan has been linked. Lohan got into a verbal altercation with Paris at a club, with witnesses saying that they were screaming and in each other’s faces. Lindsay was denied entrance to an LA club by Danny Masterson, but managed to get in everywhere in NY. She admitted she can’t be monogamous and decided not to confront Brandon Davis after his disgusting rant about her.
  • Paris Hilton giggled and followed a drunken Brandon Davis as he came up with juvenile put-downs for Lindsay Lohan and the trailing paparrazi caught it all on tape. Davis called Lohan a “firecrotch” and said her clit was “seven feet long.”
    Paris also hasn’t been spotted with her new love, Matt Leinart, in about ten days. Leinart’s NFL teammates are said to have warned him to stay away from the hard-partying heiress.

  • Paul McCartney and Heather Mills announced their split following the news that they were spending a lot of time apart. Mills came off as a less than sympathetic character in the press amidst allegations of rampant opportunism and her own nasty rebuttals.
  • Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sold the rights to the first baby pictures to an unnamed US magazine for nearly $5 million dollars, with the proceeds to go to charity. Angelina and Brad were said to be married in a non-binding traditional Namibian ceremony, and Angelina was said to be in labor, but both of those reports sounded like wishful thinking.
  • The DaVinci Code opened in Cannes to a critical bashing and boos from the crowd. French star Audrey Tautou said that she may quit acting in response to the terrible reviews of the film.
  • Britney Spears was caught driving around in her convertible mini-cooper with a passed out Sean Preston slumped over in a forward-facing carseat in the back. Baby experts condemned Britney for not securing Sean in properly, but she didn’t break California law, which states that only babies under 20 pounds have to be in rear-facing child seats. Britney was videotaped and photographed later in the week stumbling and almost dropping Sean Preston while trying to walk and carry both SP and a highball glass at the same time. She also put up a new “song” on her website briefly which was clearly about her dissapointment with her husband, Kevin Federline, who has not been seen with Britney in some time.

    Thanks to Gallery of the Absurd for the great header illustration.

  • You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

    Comments are Closed

    We close comments on older posts to fight comment spam.