Patricia Altschul is a self-styled Southern grand dame. She got a jolt of modern fame by appearing in Bravo’s Southern Charm, but before that, she was a well-connected and well-married hostess and socialite. She’s written a book called Eat, Drink and Remarry: Memories from a Lifetime of Art, Class and Southern Charm. To promote the book, she spoke to the Times of London, and of course, the Sussex Tax must be paid. As we’ve seen endlessly, as soon as any British reporter speaks to any American, the Brit asks the American about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex and “what Americans think” about Harry and Meghan. Altschul is well-connected enough to have met several royals but not the Sussexes. She still has sh-t to say about them though. Some highlights from her Times interview:

Her life at 84: She does not cook, does not drive and rises at 11am, once her butler has brought breakfast in bed. She gets Botox “everywhere”, only drinks martinis (gin with a twist) and has been married three times (“there could have been more”).

She was the inspo for Parker Posey’s character in The White Lotus: “I love White Lotus. I was disappointed that Victoria [in The White Lotus] wasn’t more villainous,” Altschul says with a cackle. Could she see similarities? “I did, but not for all the better qualities that one could have. I think ‘boat people’ says it all,” referring to Victoria’s snobby reference to fellow rich Americans. “It’s saying, ‘They’re not our kind,’” Altschul says. “It’s snobby. People think I’m like that, but I’m not.”

On modern interior design: “There are a lot of hideous things nowadays. They’re not pretty, they’re not colourful, or if they’re colourful, they’re garish.” On modern fashion? “When I was in Manhattan [in the 1990s], people dressed beautifully. Women didn’t wear clothes that were split down to here, or crop tops. It’s vulgar.” And on modern dating? “I just don’t think that young women today are closers. They’re too obvious, too acquiescent, too accessible.”

Crossing paths with Sarah Ferguson: Her path also crossed with the royals but “thankfully” never Andrew Mountbatten Windsor. “I saw Fergie [Sarah Ferguson] at a cocktail party and she was clearly looking for financial investors for something or other,” says Altschul. “I was also on the board of the New York Historical society and somebody brought her to one of our events and there she was, talking to the director about whether they could do a book party for her. She’s somebody’s guest and here she is trying to hog her book! I just have always found her most vulgar.”

On Meghan: The Duchess of Sussex, Altschul says, is “just West Coast psychobabble … When she named their daughter Lilibet I had to have a martini.”

On Charles & Camilla: Luckily Charles and Camilla get better reviews, Altschul has dined with them at Buckingham Palace, Clarence House and Highgrove since being introduced by mutual friends. “He has become much more handsome as he has gotten older,” she says. “And she is great fun.” Altschul has a slice of their wedding cake in her freezer.

[From The Times]

“When she named their daughter Lilibet…” Please, Harry was the one who named their children. That’s HIS grandmother, and “Archie” was reportedly a name important to him for some reason. And what is her beef with the name Lilibet anyway? She considered it ghastly that Meghan especially would name her mixed-race daughter after QEII? I think that’s what it is. As for the rest of it… she absolutely sounds like someone who would get along well with Charles and Camilla. And Sarah IS vulgar. She always has been.

Re: “I just don’t think that young women today are closers. They’re too obvious, too acquiescent, too accessible.” Eh… I think some of it is just the death of real courtship which is a product of dating-by-app. Plus, I think most of the issues with modern dating should be blamed on young men, not women.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Cover Images.