A curious column was published in the Times of London over the weekend. The piece was written by Camilla Long, and it’s difficult to ascertain who she has more contempt for: Prince Harry or Prince William. Long starts out by blatantly lying about Harry’s press lawsuits, claiming that Harry “lost” his lawsuit against the Mirror. He did not – he won the first part of his lawsuit and the Mirror had to settle the rest of Harry’s claims. But Long frames all of her insults and lies about Harry as “where the hell is William?” and “when is William going to get off his ass and DO something about Harry??” The whole thing is bizarre. Some lowlights:

Wondering about William: “I have been wondering about Prince William. What does he think? What does he think when he sees that his brother is due in London again this week, to give evidence in yet another blazing trial? When Harry did this last time, appearing against the Mirror in a phone-hacking case in 2023, it was an unholy mega-vomit. Almost crying in rage, the prince narrated every wound he thought the paper had inflicted on him, including misrepresenting a “blonde” at a club who danced for him “naked” (“factually incorrect”). He lost. I expect much the same will happen this week — the drama, then the crisis. What will William think then?”

William’s avoidance: Last week, William’s own headlines couldn’t have been more different. They were almost comical: “William prunes orchard” and “William battles through flock of hungry sheep”. Is this even a life? We’re told he won’t have to deal with Harry when he appears against the Daily Mail on Thursday because he will be “hundreds of miles away” in Scotland. Of course he will be. But he will have to deal with Harry some time. He cannot keep up these avoidance tactics for ever.

Sulky, childish William: At some point William will have to show up and confront this mess. He cannot spend his whole life hiding in photo ops — in plain sight. Even now, for example, Harry clearly means to come home. After many years of telling everyone he loathes England, the English and the royal family, the prince is now, we are told, bizarrely, “homesick”. It is sort of incredible, by the way, to read the briefings: how can this man, who wrote so movingly about how appalling his life was here — who spilt out all the anguish, the bullying, the emotional distance, the brutality, the plain cruelty — how can he possibly want to come back to it all? He was either lying then, or he is lying now. Perhaps he lies all the time. How will William deal with that?

Long is mad about Meghan’s jam: How will [Harry] deal with the fact that even if William doesn’t want him, there is nothing stopping Harry, or for that matter his wife, should they want to come back to — say — put their son into Eton. (Prediction: no prince of the realm will ever go to Santa Barbara High School.) They’ve also got plenty of money — inconceivably, Meghan has sold 862,535 pots of her jam, an estimated haul of £26.7 million. So there’s no reason they couldn’t buy Royal Lodge. (How, by the way, does anyone make that much on jam? Answer: royalty. Sarah Ferguson once got £1 million to be a Wedgwood “spokesman”.)

Long forecasts the Sussexes returning to live on a royal property: Charles, a man who has no moral authority when it comes to his sons, won’t want to refuse Harry a house on the royal estate. And it seems Keir Starmer won’t either. I never thought a royal prince would be viewed as the saviour and/or darling of the Labour Party, but in Harry the prime minister clearly sees some kind of good news potential. Why else would he suddenly be granted the armed protection he’s been begging for, but doesn’t deserve, as he was last week? Perhaps, in his desperation, Starmer thinks Harry’s a vote-winner.

LMAO: Back in England, Harry and Meghan will bulldoze the Cambridges. There is simply no doubt in my mind. Not a single opportunity to neg will be missed. Why wouldn’t the returning couple go on competing engagements or foreign tours? There Meghan was, only last summer, chatting away in Colombia in Spanish. William and Kate, by contrast, haven’t been abroad since their unsuccessful tour of Jamaica in March 2022. Anything they say will be instantly funnelled back by the Sussexes to favoured journalists (if Harry and Meghan still have any).

Peg’s vanishing act: Meanwhile, William just vanishes behind thick hedges. We know nothing of what he really believes. What are his true desires, interests? We only know the things he doesn’t want to do (tours, holiday photo ops, the Commonwealth). When he was 21 he had to be asked whether he “wanted it”. “It’s my duty,” he said. “Wanting isn’t the right word.”

[From The Times]

Whenever someone asks about the Sussex Tax, point to this piece as a vivid example. Not only does every British reporter, columnist and royalist feel the need to scream, cry and throw up about Harry and Meghan 24-7, they have to use Harry as a straw man to actually make some incisive criticism of William. “Yes, yes, Harry is the absolute worst, he’s horrible, but why does sulky William also suck so much” is a pretty crazy narrative at this point. Pointing out that William “vanishes behind thick hedges” and that William & Kate are lazy and haven’t done a foreign tour in almost four years? Incredible. I guess they’re trying to challenge William and Kate and get them to do something else besides “run away and/or furiously do busy-work” whenever Harry and Meghan are out and about.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Cover Images.