No sooner did the Duchess of Sussex’s British-made As Ever bookmark sell out than Sarah Vine puked out another Daily Mail column. Predictably, these wall-eyed derangers are frothing at the mouth for any sign that Meghan will briefly visit the UK at some point this year. The fact that Meghan’s As Ever bookmark was made/crafted in the UK is just the sign they needed. Because Vine and her ilk are idiots, their argument is: if Britain is so racist and hateful, then why would Meghan visit us to support Invictus, huh?? This piece rolled through the greatest hits of deranger talking points, up to and including the fantasy that proximity to Kate’s wiglet of doom somehow ensures wealth and success (despite that proximity not working for Kate). Some lowlights from Vine’s “The REAL reason Meghan is plotting a return to ‘racist, old-fashioned’ Britain – and it’s not what you think. Here is why Kate needs to watch out!”

They’re gloating about Meghan’s misery in the UK: Ever since she ‘fled’ to the warm embrace of her mansion in Montecito, she hasn’t stopped slagging Britain off. She has made it abundantly clear that she hated her time here. ‘Almost unsurvivable,’ was how she put it, wasn’t it? At every turn, in every interview, she has never missed an opportunity to tell the world how god-awful this country is. Racist, old-fashioned, uncaring, unfeeling: her brief sojourn here has been implied at times as being akin to torture, poor love, and no amount of free houses, hot and cold running staff, diamond tiaras or lavish taxpayer-funded weddings could offset the sheer horror of what she seemingly had to endure. So why? Why come here, Duchess, if you hate it so much?

Meghan is desperate for royal connections: The answer is simple and glaringly obvious: after nearly six years in America, the royal fairy dust is finally wearing off. The clock has struck midnight, and the lavish bandwagon she’s been riding high on is finally turning back into a pumpkin. The Duchess has milked her connection for all its worth, and now she needs to re-up on that magic. She needs to remind the world of who her in-laws are, to stay relevant and, more importantly, to stay commercial.

Everything British is sprinkled with gold! A trip back to Blighty will be gold, and she knows it. Perhaps that’s why she chose today to launch her latest product, a new leather bookmark from her As Ever brand – handmade, I note, by a small English company.

Vine’s dreams of Meghan’s visit: I can just picture it now, can’t you? The ‘brave’ Duchess comforting grateful veterans. Selflessly setting aside her own trauma to help soothe theirs. Perhaps she could gift them all sachets of her famous flower sprinkles or herbal lemon tea. The whole thing would, of course, be eminently Instagrammable. Maybe a few wistful black and white shots of her and Harry holding hands by the lake at Windsor where they first lived as newlyweds? A ‘revisiting those bittersweet precious memories’ sort of vibe. Or some footage of her looking pained as the paparazzi try to snap her coming off the private jet? Harry putting a protective arm around her shoulder?

More fantasies: Perhaps a pilgrimage to the island tomb of Harry’s mother at Althorp. Maybe even tea with the King, who is a kind old soul and would probably indulge her if he thought it might mean he finally gets to see his grandchildren. The real money shot, of course, would be her and the Princess of Wales burying the hatchet. I suspect Kate would rather boil her own head, but you never know. She’s a trooper, and she always does what’s best for the family.

It’s all about money: She needs this, and if she comes without full government protection, it will only make for more drama. And more drama equals more Netflix, which equals more money.

The only way Vine thinks Meghan should be allowed to visit: Cynics might suspect that Harry expects the British taxpayer to foot the bill so that his wife can bask in a dose of royal patronage before going back to America to cash in. Let’s hope that the cynics are wrong. There is only one instance in which it would be acceptable for the taxpayer to foot the bill for Meghan’s presence on this island, and that is if she accompanies Lilibet and Archie as they visit their British relatives.

[From The Daily Mail]

First of all, Kate does NOT “always do what’s best for the family.” Second of all, was that a tacit admission that Kate needs to deliver some money shots at the tabloids’ behest? That’s interesting, because I can guarantee that IF Meghan visits this summer, she does not want to see the state of the wig or William’s pitiful struggle-beard. These people really spend their days fantasizing about what Meghan could do or who she could see if she ever steps foot on Isla de Saltines again. “Maybe she’ll visit with veterans, that bitch!” And “maybe she’ll post ‘grams from Windsor Castle, HOW DARE SHE preemptively!!” I remember last September, Vine threw a dangerously unhinged tantrum about Harry’s visit to the UK, and Vine then had to eat sh-t in her next column after Harry’s trip was so successful. I’m not saying that will happen again, but it’s more likely than whatever Vine is prognosticating.

Photos courtesy of Backgrid, Meghan’s IG.