Since the Twihards dominated the MTV Movie Awards once again, going through the list of winners is rather moot. Kristen Stewart deigned to roll her eyes through her victory in Best Kiss (with Robert Pattinson) and Best Female Performance. Pattinson won Best Male Performance and something else I didn’t catch. And they won Best Film, and Peter Facinelli cussed his ass off and the censors didn’t catch it in time, so my ears were assaulted (I’m clutching my pearls as I type) with multiple F-bombs. It would probably be easier to list the non-Twilight people who won: Tom Fenton (from the Harry Potter films), Sandra Bullock (the “Generation” Award), Amanda Seyfried (who won for Jennifer’s Body), Ken Jeong (from The Hangover, who got emotional about his wife’s breast cancer) and Anna Kendrick (who is in the Twilight films, but won for Up In The Air). Anyway, let’s do some highlights:

* For me, the absolute best part was seeing Tom Cruise in character as Len Grossman, dancing his motherf-cking ass off with Jennifer Lopez. Did anyone really think Tom could keep up so well? I have to admit something sketchy – I’m attracted to Tom Cruise as Len Grossman. I would hit that. And I could watch Jennifer Lopez spanking Tom Cruise all f-cking day. I like them both so much when they’re Fly Girls.

*Sandra Bullock’s acceptance speech for the Generation Award. She was pithy and funny, and lacking in self-pity. I love her for that. She did a shout-out to the Gulf Coast, and it didn’t feel cheap. She was letting everyone know it was cool to move on. She’s beautiful, and a really amazing woman.

*Pattinson and Stewart. Okay, I know I called off the fatwa and everything, but she and her rolled eyes were plucking my last nerve. I get it, she’s an “actress”. I understand that she’s “uncomfortable” with the attention. But she needs to sack up, stop rolling her eyes, stop biting her lip, and just act like a f-cking professional. Like Pattinson. Pattinson is so lovely, he really is. Just gracious and funny and sweet, even when Kristen is acting like a little diva bitch. I was so glad when he just grabbed her and kissed her for their “Best Kiss” win. Here you go:

*Russell Brand – I know he’s not everyone’s favorite, but he was cracking me up last night. I did love when he and Jonah Hill made out. And Russell and Katy Perry looked really cute together. Speaking of Katy, that girl can barely sing, can’t dance for sh-t, but my goodness she has spectacular breasts, doesn’t she? And she puts them out there a lot.

*Lindsay Lohan was in the audience. She didn’t present anything, and she wasn’t up for anything. And it took me a good 40 minutes and at least three cutaways before I recognized her. I thought she was someone’s 40-something hooker escort (cough Michael Bay cough).

*Christina Aguilera’s Sparkle-Vadge! She had a heart-shaped LED-light on her vadge (on her costume), and it was kind of awesome. Unfortunately, Getty doesn’t have any photos of the vadge all lit up like Christmas morning.

That’s all I’ve got. For a two-hour show, they kept up the pace and there were several funny parts. I didn’t think the host, Aziz Ansari was solid but not amazing. To be fair, MTV didn’t really give him enough rope to hang himself, and his hosting duties were pretty much limited to his opening monologue (which made me smile but not laugh), and several pre-taped bits which were kind of funny. All in all, I didn’t feel like I wasted two hours of my life, but I’m old enough to remember when these MTV shows were crazy important. Oh well.

Here are some extra photos for the Twihards, amd anyone who loves Len Grossman: