Karl Lagerfeld will beat you with a bejeweled fan if you ever meet him


My namesake, The Kaiser known as Karl Lagerfeld, likes to beat people. Tenderly. But roughly. Karl Lagerfeld does not know nor does he care about what is appropriate workplace behavior. When he hires a young, attractive scamp to work for him, that scamp better know that he’s going to be beaten. This is all according to a former scamp – a dude named Julien Macdonald, who is now a popular womenswear designer (Sienna Miller wears his stuff often). Julien used to work at Chanel, and he claims The Kaiser would beat him with a black fan:

WORKING with Karl Lagerfeld wasn’t all plain sailing for Julien Macdonald. The designer was spotted and hired by the Chanel legend at the age of 21.

“He used to carry around an old fashioned black fan and when you were being difficult he’d hit you with it,” reveals the designer. “He’d taunt you then hit you with it – it was all done in a joking way and never done very hard, but I do remember it quite clearly. It was his alternative to a stick I suppose. Now Karl’s signature is his silver jewellery but then it was these specially crafted fans. I’m quite glad I had to deal with the fans and not the jewellery. You’d get knocked out if he jokingly hit you with any of those.”

[From Vogue UK]

Sure. It was all a “joke”. It was all done in “fun”. Crash-cut to Karl sitting alone in his opulent Chanel office, complete with a wall of bejeweled antique fans. The Kaiser begins stroking them one by one, his impassive face not revealing the years of torture… and love. He gently lifts one “special” fan from its perch. He lifts the fan to his aging nose, slowly taking in the sweet smell of human flesh, youth, and fear. “This one,” Karl whispers to himself. “This one I will use tomorrow.”




Photos of Karl with his current muse/victim, model Baptiste Giabiconi. Courtesy of Fame & Bauer-Griffin.

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37 Responses to “Karl Lagerfeld will beat you with a bejeweled fan if you ever meet him”

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  1. The_Porscha says:

    This is, hands down, the best story I’ve ever read.

  2. roguesiren says:

    How delightful to be beaten by the mummified swathed in Chanel remains of Otto von Bismarck.

  3. Samigirl says:

    This cracks me up, and doesn’t surprise me at all :)
    I would expect nothing less from the guy who called Heidi Klum fat.

  4. dorothy says:

    I know this guy is an amazing designer, but he just looks really creepy to me. Like he’s live previously…ya know…mummy.

  5. Dorothy#1 says:

    This is awesome! this is the first story about him that actually makes me like him just a bit!

    Wow that Baptiste Giabiconi is super hot! But those shorts…

  6. Jackson says:

    Tom Cruise soooo wants those skinny jeans and high-heeled boots. Oh Karl, you creep me out like no other.

  7. Bonfire Beach says:

    Those shorts are just all kinds of wrong.

  8. devilgirl says:

    AHAHAHAHAHA! Those shorts!

  9. Lady LaLa says:

    Kaiser, you’re amazing……

  10. sickofit says:

    what a story. that might be typically for him. but honestly: he is a genius, those people are often very strange when it comes to their behavior. as long as he does not eat kids for breakfast.

  11. sapphire says:

    “Beat me, Beat me, make me feel cheap!”

  12. NancyMan says:

    THANK YOU Kaiser, you made my morning. That story was great! I hear Mozart also used to beat the crap of his young assistants. Ah, Mein Herren!

  13. Mairead says:

    Lookin’ paunchy in the top photo there Crypt-Creeper – time to tighten up that ould gastric band :twisted:

  14. bizzy says:

    a) kink warnings on the fanfic, kaiser, it’s only polite, i don’t read bdsm.
    b) top picture, old-man camel-toe. i’m gonna hafta poke my own eyeballs out now.

  15. Cleo says:

    I thought those were his real hands and he had some kind of disfiguring disease. I wonder if he’s had anymore downloads in his dreams of entire collections. Watch his documentary, he rapped a female assistant with his rings and it looked really painful. When she expressed pain, he rapped her again. It’s all about the craftswomen behind the scenes anyway. They make him look better than he really is.

  16. Bailey says:

    I have always loved Karl and his fans!
    Karl is the best dressed zombie ever!

    Bizzy, I thought I saw a tuck too.

  17. Stronzilla says:

    You just know he starts out every day with ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall….

  18. JASMINE says:


  19. Cleo says:

    Check out his documentary not just for his knuckle ring abuse but I SWEAR he is channelling Spike on Buffy when he talks about his mother who he describes as a narcissistic bitch to everyhone but nice to him because it is exactly what Spike says to the son of the slayer he killed in NYC – that Spike’s mother at least loved Spike whereas the Slayer left her son an orphan because she chose to save the world over being with her son while the vampires took over the world. It is freaking delicious – the episode from final Season 7 and Karl Lagerfeld’s big mouth skrull peeking out from sheep’s clothing of his childhood because if that doesn’t epitomize the Nazi’s feeding cherries to their kids while murdering the rest of Europe’s kids, what does? Well misplayed, Skrull, well misplayed. It’s called Lagerfeld Confidential – it is a must see.

  20. roguesiren says:

    You know, he has an ancestor who started the postal system in Germany. Kunty Karl comes from one of the wealthiest families in Germany. He totally thinks he is royalty.

  21. Kiska says:

    One of the last true eccentrics.

  22. Taurus says:

    He gently lifts one “special” fan from its perch. He lifts the fan to his aging nose, slowly taking in the sweet smell of human flesh, youth, and fear. “This one,” Karl whispers to himself. “This one I will use tomorrow.”

    LMAO I love it!!!!
    SB: I love the silk bowtie in the first pic, I might have to steal that look.


  23. LT says:

    The title of this cracked me up.

  24. RHONYC says:

    ohhh, unkle karl…you cad!

    meh-meh-meh-meh. :-)

  25. original kate says:

    kaiser, that headline alone made my day!

  26. beanie says:

    LOL! Uncle Karl is the Head Queen In Charge!!

  27. sylko says:

    I also worked at Chanel for a brief time in the ’80, he always carried a fan it was like his security blanket, the fan was definitely a fey way of reprimanding someone but also of complimenting, if you did something he approved of he would tap you on the shoulder with it, almost like the queen dubbing a knight.

    He has, or did have a large and very expensive fan collection all kept in lovely antique fan frames and boxes. The black ‘working fans’ were not his best antique ones. I heard he’d moved onto parasols.

  28. Sue says:

    are those moose knuckles or a camel toe? either way, yikes!

  29. Allie says:

    Ya seriously, what the heck is going on with his crotch? Is that a mangina?

  30. gg says:

    HOT PANTS! What a hilarious old biddy. He’s got silly gloves in every color for every outfit.

    Re fans, I often carry a fan because I get really bad hotflashes. Don’t laugh, if you get the right kind, they work like crazy. They are addictive and you sort of can’t help but fiddle with them a lot, snap them shut, and it’s fun to tap people with one because it makes a loud flapping sound. They’re great for comical drama.

    Anyway, good fans are hard to find and usually have to be imported, so I’m totally jealous if he has jeweled ones.

  31. 6 says:

    His head looks detachable. Maybe his hands too since he always has gloves on. Is he a robot or was he cryogenically frozen then brought back?

  32. Alexa says:

    #34 said: “Ya seriously, what the heck is going on with his crotch? Is that a mangina?”

    A “MANGINA”?? OMG!!! ROTFLMAO… a MANGINA!!!! (wicked funny:-)