Upcoming tabloid covers

Here are the attention-grabbing covers of the upcoming tabloids, soon to be out in stores and made into obsolete recycling and last choice dentist office reading material. Let me know if there’s anything you would like me to cover. It may be a few days before I have access but I’ll try and get to it. The Paul Newman story is off limits, though. I’ve read supposed details of his medical condition and will not report on that. We don’t usually take the high road with medical stories, but in this case it seems only right when the man is a living legend and puts out such tasty salad dressing. (We also can’t cover pictorial features like beach bodies and no makeup because we don’t have the rights to all those photos. We could do something similar here with pictures we have access to, but it does take a while to write those type of stories and gather all the pictures.)

Most of these don’t interest me except for The Us Weekly cover story about Madonna’s affair with A-Rod. I want to know the details and they did a great job at coming out of left field with that story, which seems believable.

I think People screwed up putting Anne Hathaway and her con man as the main story on the cover. There’s not a lot of interest in that story even though it’s salacious. Raffaello Follieri bilked his main investor (presumably Ron Burkle, although the FBI report doesn’t specify) out of millions in a scam in which he claimed to have the ability to purchase land from the Catholic Church at rock bottom insider prices. He passed himself off as the official treasurer for the Vatican despite having no connection to the Church. He was just putting in bids along with other interested parties, but bribed Vatican officials to make it seem like he worked there. He hired monsignors to come to business meetings with him, and made them wear higher-ranking Catholic robes. In the mean time he was splurging on a luxurious lifestyle for himself and Hathaway that included a penthouse at Trump Tower and Caribbean vacations at five star resorts. The story is interesting, but for some reason Hathaway doesn’t have a lot of clout and people aren’t that drawn to the details. She is thought to have provided information to the FBI in advance of Follieri’s arrest.

Jennifer Aniston’s OK! Cover also seems like a misstep. It’s an old and tired story that we’ve heard countless times before: “Jen wants a baby! She’s getting old though!” They’re probably just speculating based on her age, her new relationship with John Mayer, and the fact that she’s said in the past that she wants to have children at some point.

No one gives a shit about the Hogan family even if they gave Life & Style an interview with tidbits about their sad self-absorbed lives.

I love the Stars without Makeup issues and think they’re a lot of fun. It helps me feel normal to see what they look like bare-faced. Beach Bodies aren’t my favorite because I don’t think it’s fair to pick on people for their sizes unless they’re hypocrites about it, like Kirstie Alley. That doesn’t mean I don’t look, though.

As for who is really pregnant: who really cares unless it’s Britney? We know Paris isn’t knocked up, but she got included in here because she wore that unflattering dress. She’s since been photographed out with a flat stomach, and anyone who follows gossip will know that. If Gwyneth and/or Eva is pregnant that’s great and all and it will be a good boost to their respective careers, but people don’t have a huge interest in them and are starting to tire at all these pregnancy stories. We still haven’t seen Halle Berry or Jessica Alba’s babies. Either of those two cuties would surely sell magazines.

Thanks to Cover Awards via Oh No They Didn’t for these photos.

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18 Responses to “Upcoming tabloid covers”

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  1. geronimo says:

    Please please please please nothing to do with the Hogans.

  2. xiaoecho says:

    Paul Newman looks awful, poor thing

  3. Enonymouse says:

    Thank God that atleast there will be one week were Bradangelina is not put on the cover.

  4. Syko says:

    I’d like all the gory details of A-Rod and Madonna myself, but nothing else is of much interest. I am, of course, interested in Paul Newman’s health, but he deserves respect and I think we shouldn’t bat it around too much. Love him.

    Hollywood just isn’t the same now that Britney’s not batshit any longer.

  5. Mr. T says:

    Jen’s finally having a baby. Yippee. What a father John will make.

  6. daisy424 says:

    Love the Stars without make-up issues also. They look more ‘normal’.

  7. Celebitchy says:

    I will get that US Weekly Madonna and A-Rod article then, Syko! I really want to see what other details they have and if there’s more dirt than they revealed in their online article about it.

  8. RaeJillian says:

    i hate the hogans. I HATE THE HOGANS! (sorry, about the caps. i am but, please understand i could not help myself.) i loathe them they are horrible people. the make me glad that karma isn’t interested in money.

  9. Because I say So says:

    I’d like the Stars Without Makeup bit. My evil joy is satiated by seeing the natural hideousness of my most hated Hollywood “celebrities”. (Nicole, I’m talking to you…)

  10. IMO says:

    I agree with many of your observations, CB, however, I do find an interest in Anne Hathaway, but in an angle no one chose so far- which is her part of it.

    I heard the reason people trusted him more is because her relationship helped legitimize him.

    Anne enjoyed the perks of being with him and helped him with her connections.

    It’s a very interesting story, not because of Anne, but rather because it’s like a plot of a novel.

  11. IMO says:

    The most interesting story is what is going on with Ben and Jennifer Garner.

    I am going to buy Star, just to read about that.

    Their story is interesting because he was once the hottest star in Hollywood, and she got pregnant like a month after they began dating, and that pretty much ruined his career and his appeal.

    There was also the story of how she got Michael Vartan fired, because she is a bi- tch and that she pursued Ben while she was in a serious relationship and Ben was engaged to J. Lo.

  12. Kaiser/ Hippacrat says:

    I like Us Weekly’s “Burned By A Loser” headline. And CB, I’d actually like to know what Pity Party’s publicist is strategically leaking in OK!

  13. Silly Lilly says:

    Well first… BIIIIIIIG PROPS on the high road with Paul Newman. And ya left out the off the chain popcorn! Seriously dignity and respect is deserved by him and wow did you deliver! Good job.

    Now, for the juicy juice. A-rod and Mawhora? Really? I cant believe it. There were rumors of her and Messier years ago but HE said they were just friends. So I am hoping A Rod has better taste than that (ducking I am scared of Vadge fans). Plus…where is the mystery in her? There is none we have ALLLLLLL seen it up close and personal. The only thing she has to offer besides dollah bills (which he has) are seriously fake spur of the moment accents.

    Next, Hogans… please… can we please just say uhh.. who? And move them to oblivion? Disgusting people and NOT the “American Family”.

    Can you get pics of those celebs sans makeup and the cruddy beach bodies? Every time I see those issues I feel just a bit more special! Ha!

    Okay thats it sorry for rambling!

  14. neelyo says:

    I hate that The Hogans represent an American Family. What an insult to Americans and families.

  15. elisha says:

    I saw that RoHo “Hot Romance” story somewhere else and thought calling it as much was hilarious! It totally stuck out to me.

  16. RAN says:

    I’d like to hear about Paul Newman too… not to ‘get the gossip’ per se, but because I’ve always adored him as a person (who I’ve idolized from afar) and an actor. Gorgeous, honorable, loyal to his wife, etc… an absolutely beautiful man. They don’t make ‘em like Paul Newman anymore.

    Then again, I see your point CB – he deserves our respect and should be given privacy. After looking at that header one more time, I’ve decided I hate The Globe. What jerks

  17. Jaundice Machine says:

    Are Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie still friends?! That kind of haunting headline thrown out without any follow-up is bound to leave me restless at nights! Please, CB! I need to know!

  18. Elizabeth says:

    who the hell cares about beach bodies? yes, sometimes i look because it makes me feel better, but still…

    and paris has a show (now, i hear, in it’s 2nd season) about finding her new BFF, i don’t think her and nicole are too close anymore. and if she is pregnant, which she’s mostly likely not, she could do with a few tips like not treating her child like one of her many dogs. like a bitch.