FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN:
Hello, darlings. Don’t let the pornstache disturb you. Imagine the whiskers tickling your neck. Your breasts. Your stomach. Your biscuit. That’s better, isn’t it? And don’t let the little double chin upset you either. I’m getting slightly jowly, but at least I’m not getting plastic surgery. And I don’t want you to mess with your beautiful face either.
I just decided to drop you this line from the premiere of my new film, Trust. This mess was directed by David Schwimmer, and it’s all about me being a vengeful father after my daughter goes on the Internet and some predator gets to her. I take out the Internet predators. I’m like Chris Hanson, only I have a pornstache and your biscuits are tingling. But yes, this film looks like a disaster. I apologize.
By the way, as you may remember from previous letters, this pornstache is because I’m playing Ernest Hemingway. I’m not sure if that’s a biscuit-tingler or not, but at least I’m still working.
Photos courtesy of Fame.
So great!
This needs to happen more. It’s sad that a fictional letter from a gorgeous man who does not know I exist is enough to wake me up in the morning. Your writing skill is a blessing and a curse, Kaiser, you tease.
Looking good, Clive.
I think “The Biscuit Tingler” would be a great title for a movie staring Martha Stewart and John Malcovich.
Love him. Hate the stache.
“Biscuit tingler”. LMAO! Where do you come up with these awesome phrases?
Ah, what a great way to start the morning. Clive can do no wrong in my eyes, pornstache or not. Thanks, Kaiser 🙂
Good Morning Clive!! How you doin????? ***sly look under eyelashes****
He does nothing for me, but I love reading his letters.
Hate the stache, but I don’t mind the tiny jowls at all.
I’m “trimming” my biscuit with no intention to let any pornstashe near it thanks…
I love these letters. Because they’re real, not made up.
From the desk of clive owen is the highlight of internet reading!!!
Ahhh…nothing like a little Clive in the morning. (Unless it’s a little Clive in me!) 😀
The eyes-green? Blue green? Hypnotic…
Oh, Clive, how you make me giggle nervously and unable to form coherent words.
Holy shitballs. The man is a God. My knees went weak! Very Rhett Butler, yes?
It’s about time that some love has been returned to Clive. It’s usually Fassdong all the time -not that I mind. That’s why I come here so much because of the appreciation of Irish/Scottish men 🙂
He’s playing Hemmingway?!
Effing FANTASTIC.
Surprising casting choice. But very welcome.
dear mr.owen,
please make the bad hair go away. it looks like your [upper] lip is trying to give birth to a gerbil. thanks.
Just wanted to say I live for these letters. So satisfying, from the brain to the biscuit. <3 the jowls.
Oh Clive, you are so….not sexy with that stashe. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go all Monica Bellucci on you and accept Gabriel Byrne’s unrelenting pursuit. Alas, as my passion for Gabriel wanes, and your ‘stashe bids its fond farewell, I will once again welcome you into my firery embrace….and your biscuits will again softly brush my soul.
Hi there, I’m new to post but a long time reader. Love the “From the Desk of Clive Owen” posts. So I have to bring to your attention that our dear Clive is NOT wearing his wedding ring. I guess wifey didn’t like the pornstache either.
I noticed it for the first time on the Hemmingway movie shoot, but figured he wasn’t wearing it because he was in costume.
But since this is a premier and he ALWAYS wears it.
Just putting that out there.
Clive’s letters make my biscuit’s day 🙂
i’m not feeing the porn stache but my biscuit is feeling clive. yes, indeed.
PLEASE ! Give us more of this!
My biscuit was tingling until I saw the gold chain he’s wearing.. but then I thought what the hell I can get into it.
I never had a thing for Clive until he came into my dreams one night and was doing to me pretty much what he described there. It was amazing. I woke up thinking – Clive Owen, Where the hell did that come from? I’ve never thought twice about him. But now I know from experience what a sensual lover he is I am truly a fan.
The End.