Jesse James poses like an old-timey douchebag on his book cover

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People Magazine has an interview with Jesse James regarding his soon-to-be-released tell-all memoir, American Outlaw. When I was trying to find better, high-quality images for the book’s cover art, I discovered that variations of “American Outlaw” have been used for various books, movies, TV shows and school projects regarding the real Jesse James, the 19th century gunslinger. That’s what this douche is trying to evoke in the cover art, which you can see here at People Magazine, and I’ve also screen-capped above. Like, we’re supposed to think Jesse James is an old-timey badass when really he just looks like a pencil-dicked douche who only gets hard when he’s in his “special” costume. Truth. Here is what Jesse had to say:

Jesse James has been called a lot of things – chopper king, TV star, (very) bad boy – but nobody expected his latest title: author. With his memoir, American Outlaw, hitting stores May 3, James promises readers a raw and wild ride.

“I’ve lived a pretty crazy life,” James, 41, tells PEOPLE of his hardscrabble journey that spans a volatile upbringing, addiction struggles, failed marriages, artistic success and fame and the salvation of fatherhood.

“My life has been defined by many things and not just the events of the last year,” says James, whose marriage to Sandra Bullock ended in divorce last spring. “I just wanted [the memoir] to be a good story, a page-turner and hopefully people will see it as that.”

For the jacket of the memoir, published by Gallery Books, James steered clear of “some variation of a bad prom photo, serious Thinker pose like most book jackets show,” he says, and instead went for an old Western gunslinger look (holding his own .44 Magnum revolver no less). “I just wanted something different. I wasn’t going to mail it in.”

Something else he wanted? To get his real story out there. “People claim to know everything about me, when they actually know nothing,” he says. “But once you read this, you will know everything – the whole story, right here.”

[From People]

God, is it just me or does he sound really, really dumb? How is it any LESS cheesy to wear a 19th century costume and play with a gun on a book cover, rather than just wearing a suit or a t-shirt or something? He’s such a vile narcissist. What the hell was Sandra thinking? That’s what I keep coming back to. As revealing as Jesse’s behavior was last year, I think there’s going to be a whole new wave of “WTF was she thinking?” when this book comes out.

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Photos courtesy of WENN, People.

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59 Responses to “Jesse James poses like an old-timey douchebag on his book cover”

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  1. Kiska says:

    What no Nazi uniform for his book cover? Oh the KKK is not gonna like this, Jesse!

  2. PrettyTarheel says:

    I would guess she was dickmatized, but I love Sandy and I want to believe that while we all get dickmatized occasionally (at least us girls), that she would know better than to marry that dick…So there’s really no excuse that I can come up with for that train wreck. I’ll just hope she learned from it, and her next piece doesn’t have a racist skinhead douche skeleton in the closet.

  3. the original bellaluna says:

    She shoulda beaned him with that statue; it’s the perfect “before” shot to him on floor in the “after” shot. (Just need to flip it round so the heavy end is on the top, dear.)

  4. Quest says:

    OMG, is every douche-dick gonna write a book now?

    Here is a perfect book cover idea:

    A blank cover, because that is all that JJ does – draw blanks (no brains, duh)

  5. Anoneemouse says:

    Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

  6. Nickel says:

    Sorry, dude. Having someone ghost write your whiny bitch justifications for being a total douchebag doesn’t make you an author. And wow, posing as an old time gunslinger for your book cover? I’m sure no one saw that one coming.

    Ass.

  7. lola lola3 says:

    I hope it tanks. He doesn’t deserve to make any more $ off of Sandra. LOSER!

  8. NayNay says:

    I highly doubt anybody gives a shit what this douchebag has to say. At least, I hope not.

  9. Jaded says:

    Of course the dickhead is holding a gun….dear God can he make himself any more disgusting than he already is?? What a cockroach of a human being…

  10. Photo Jojo says:

    I am laughing my ever lovin’ @ss off at “dickmatized”! Patent that, it’s brilliant!

  11. Faye says:

    It’s amusing because you know he thinks he looks freaking awesome.

  12. Sparkly says:

    I love Sandra Bullock – even more now, since the fallout with this douchebag – but I think maybe most girls have a bad-boy complex at some point. Poor lady just had hers publicly. As long as she doesn’t end up with John Mayer or Sean Penn, I have to give her a one-time insanity pass for that one.

  13. Bonfire Beach says:

    I really think he was putting on a facade with Sandy, living the life he thought he wanted, and it became too much to keep up. That’s when it all crashed down.

    If this books makes the best seller list I’m becoming deliberately illiterate.

  14. Brittany says:

    The descendants of the real Jesse James should sue him for trying to use his likeness… or something, anything. This douchebag should pay for what he’s done, not get paid!

  15. Coco says:

    I’m assuming for Sandra’s sake that he has a really big schlong.

  16. Hollowdoll says:

    I don’t understand why there aren’t headlines in the papers every day saying: Jesse James got kicked in the nuts again today by some random person walking by. Who then yelled at him that’s for Sandy and embarassing the human race you pathetic slime ball!

    Jessie James: American Loser

  17. Rachel says:

    He’s 41? I’m 41 and that dude looks old enough to be my dad.

  18. Rachel says:

    @PrettyTarheel I never quite got why she married him. This is why I wasn’t all that mad at him when he showed his true colors (I want to clarify that I have never liked him – even pre-Sandy). I knew what he was. I can ALWAYS tell when other women are making a huge mistake but this one was so bad that even I would have known to just leave the money on the night table and move on. He’s a bad boy fling, not marriage material. Most of us know that. I felt HORRIBLE for her not because he showed his true colors but because somehow her radar failed her. I hope she got that fixed.

  19. Cidee says:

    Douche. The end.

  20. DSMR says:

    Lol….. a legend in his own mind. Being the douche bag he is brings down everything with an XY chromosome. I hereby apoligize to those affected by this narcissistic knuckle dragger on behalf of the male species.

  21. Dana M says:

    @Rachel: ITA – and he looks even older in person.

  22. sandy says:

    i too was surprised she married him, but not about the outcome. we don’t need to hear from him any more. why do these people feel the need to constantly stay in the lime light.

  23. Riley says:

    He is dumb. I remember thinking this before Sandra married him, and then when she married him thinking, “How could she marry somebody so dumb?” I am sure he has a talent with motorcycles and sluts of the white supremacy, but other than that, I don’t know who would care to read this stupid book. Though it would be funny if he titled it Call me Ishmael: Stories from the Vanilla Gorilla.

  24. OriginalGracie says:

    @the original bellaluna: Amen to that!!
    What a wonderful and totally satisfying visual that is.

    I love Sandy and I always will. We are all capable of picking total losers.

  25. K-MAC says:

    “Dickmatized!” LMFAO! Oh, that is brilliant!

  26. Stubbylove says:

    Douchebag James wrote a friggin’ memoir? What are the memories? “Woke up today, jacked off, ate some Cherrio’s, banged a random chick, looked at my tools and my awesome tats, tightened some screws on a bike, jacked off again, screwed another random chick, went to bed” The End.

    The dipshits who buy this are bigger douches than him. I have literally almost no more respect for the publishing world. So sad.

  27. someone says:

    I wouldn’t read his book if someone gave it to me, much less spend money on it!!!

  28. Celebs.com says:

    Dude’s got a groomed vadge on his chin, how “hard” can he be?

  29. Rita says:

    I actually like the cover but people who might be interested in Jessie can’t or don’t read so what is the point of a book. The only thing interesting in it might be associated with Sandra and I doubt it will make her look like the queen of smarts. Can’t imagine the publisher will break even on it.

  30. I Choose Me says:

    I feel ill just thinking it but he kinda looks hot in that last photo with him sitting on the motor bike. I mean if I didn’t know who he was – epic douche – I think I might. But I do know, ergo the queasy. And now I think I’ll go lie down now ’cause obviously I’m not well.

  31. DetRiotgirl says:

    I won’t support anything this guy does. But, can I admit something I’m mildly ashamed of? I’m curious what he has to say about his epic douche explosion last year. I wouldn’t buy his book, or even read it if it was free. But, I will read all the gossip about it in the blogs and the tabloids.

    The vanilla gorilla thing was one of the trashiest gossip stories ever. I mean, do you guys remember that skittles chick and her ugly boyfriend he supposedly had a threesome with? OMG, so trashy! He really is about as low as gossip gets. I have to admit, the situation was/is a trainwreck for me that I just can’t look away from.

    Also, he and Kat Von D are quickly becoming the budget version of Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian (Yes, even MORE budget than the original!) on twitter. He says some jackass thing, people call him out on it and then Kat puts out these faux sweet responses about not judging people and love.

    The other day he tweeted some racing quote that went something like “I’m not sorry if my guys cheat. I’m just sorry when they get caught.”. Then he and Kat proceeded to act the victim when they predictably got bombed with tweets about how that quote relates to Vanilla Gorilla. I mean, come on, with his reputation the only reason to tweet something like that is for attention. He had to know that was going to give people cause to attack him. He just wants every excuse to play the victim.

    As for the book cover… seriously? It looks like he took it at one of those cheesy old west tourist attractions in Arizona. In fact, I think I might even have a sepia tone photograph of me in a cowboy hat from one of those places from visiting my aunt when I was seven. Yeah, that’s real badass of him. Ugh.

  32. Alarmjaguar says:

    @DetRiotgirl hee, I totally know the photographs you mean, but I remember them as always being available at the county fair…

  33. galaxy.girl says:

    Does he have an octopus tatoo? odd…

  34. Linda says:

    @ #14 Brittany – He is a descendant of Jessie James. That will explain the book cover. Vanilla Gorilla uses his lineage as his ticket to claim that he is a celebrity. BLAH

  35. Hmmm says:

    Those book covers he can only dream about approximating. Pure fantasy. Total girly voiced doofus. He should be wearing a tutu.

    Is he actually literate?

  36. Nancy says:

    YUCK!!!!

  37. Cha Cha Loca says:

    Pathetic fucking loser.

  38. Ruffian9 says:

    In that first picture, it looks like she’s going to clobber him with her Oscar…oh, the missed opportunities.

  39. Apple says:

    He is such a fraud the Jesse James society researched him and can find no line of lineage to the real Jesse James family.

    They offered to give him a DNA test to prove lineage and he refused or ignored the offer. He has no blood relation to the real James family.

    FRAUD!!

  40. Marianne says:

    He has a book? Why?

  41. Mags says:

    Have enjoyed reading some of these comments. #7 “hope it tanks” I hope so too, #13 “putting on a facade” if you read is blog on twitter sure sounds like it, #23 “call me Ishmeal” lol, #31 I also remember those pics and his comment on twitter yesterday referring to racing that people did not get. I will not buy the book BUT will read the highlights, if any, online.

  42. jc126 says:

    Didn’t he used to claim years ago that he was related to the original Jesse James? I thought he did back when he had a show, but way before he met SB.
    And I don’t know why people brag about being related to a murderer, either.

  43. Jess says:

    American Outlaw= NO

    American Asshole= YES!!

  44. khaveman says:

    I think any man who greases his hair needs to be told not to. 🙂 Awful, outdated look. That photo of him and Sandra is hilarious. He’s getting told off. Love it. Go Sandra! Smack him with the Oscar. Oh wait don’t soil it with JJ.

  45. girl says:

    Maybe he has a short index finger but it looks a lot like he has his finger on the trigger of that gun.

    Anyone who knows anything about guns, you know like someone who owns one should know that that is one of the absolute biggest gun no-nos. You do NOT touch it unless you are going to fire it. Not even to look like a badass. He just looks like a stupid irresponsible gun owner.

  46. Disbelieving says:

    @DetRiotgirl, I saw those tweets—-made me sick. And did you see where his response to a woman was “C U Next Tuesday”? What does Kat say to herself about a man like that? Seriously?

    I made a mistake once so I forgive Sandy but his continuing exploitation of the spotlight to spew stupidity and hate has to be seriously hard to take heading into your late forties. I feel for her.

    Just vile. Ick, ick, ick.

  47. Hammer says:

    So he “wrote” a book (which means it’s probably full of grunts, burps, and dick scratching interjected between the crayon markings)and he slapped a picture of himself that looks like it was taken at Dollywood on the cover. Well big freakin whoopidy doo! I’m having a hard time wondering who the biggest wreck is, this pissant or Charlie Sheen.
    Whoever said he looked hot in that last picture, WTF??? He’s so try-hard there, I’m almost ashamed for him. But not really.

  48. Confuzzle says:

    I’ve seen his crappy show. He is as dumb as a bag of rocks.

  49. RHONYC says:

    3 observations:

    #1. that 1st pic of sandra lookin’ like she’s about to brain him with that oscar is priceless. i imagine she’s saying, “i will disembowl your douche fuggin ass if you ruin this night for me!”

    #2. i know he must be upset that paul sr. (age 61) from ‘american chopper’ looks 100 times hotter than him in a sleeveless T.

    #3. if his used up behind is 41, then i’m a size 41.

    🙁

  50. Apple says:

    @JC yes he claimed he was related to Jesse James on his mothers side sisters aunt cousins uncle very vauge about it0. And that they always name a son Jesse in honor of him. He claimed it on his first documentary.

    But as I posted above, there is no documented lineage to him and the Jesse James family. The Society has DNA to test and have proven and disproven many people who claim to be related.

    To date Jesse James has never submitted to a DNA date to prove his “heritage”.

  51. Sue says:

    He’s the dirt that is over the grave of Jesse James. Does he actually think just because he’s related to Jesse James that he is a badass? Douche and I could kick his ass.

  52. Michelle says:

    As someone who is actually very distantly related to the real Jesse James, I am highly offended!

  53. Linda says:

    @ # 50 – Apple. Thanks for the update. I am not suprised that he wouldn’t submit DNA. Dude is a major douchebag.

  54. tracking says:

    Agree with all the ‘cheesy douchebag/legend in his own mind (LOL)’ comments. It *is* hard to understand why Sandy B. married him, given that she really took her time finding ‘the right one.’

  55. rylan says:

    Stubbylove, that sounds about right. That’s all this sack of sh*t knows.

  56. kwoww says:

    i dont care what any of you say, that man is fucken gorgeous. yeah he’s a douche for what he did to sandra b. but who gives a shit. he’s a dirtbag and she probably ignored all the signs along the way.

  57. original kate says:

    shouldn’t he be at the free clinic getting an STD test or something?

  58. Hakura says:

    @Coco“I’m assuming for Sandra’s sake that he has a really big schlong.”

    But if that were really so, he wouldn’t be pulling all this tough/macho bullshit overcompensating.

    @Knoww“i dont care what any of you say, that man is fucken gorgeous. “

    Do you have cataracts by any chance? xD But no… If ‘flava flav’, one of the most disgusting creatures to walk the planet, manages to get laid… Then anyone can.

  59. I agree this.Ha ha
    Running a fashion business has given Jessica a chance to indulge her other passion: shopping. “