From the Desk of Clive Owen: Did you miss me, bitches?



Hello, my darling biscuits. Did you lovely bitches miss me? I haven’t dropped you a line in so long. I’ve been busy… and no, I haven’t been writing to any other girls. It just took me some time to shave off my Hemingway ‘stache and fully regain my patented biscuit-quivering hotness again. And I have regained, haven’t I? Look at how I smirk at you, knowing that you’re drooling? It’s fine, my lovers. Clive is here. And these pants come off in a matter of seconds.


These photos of me are from Paris – I was at the “80th Reverso Jaeger Lecoultre Anniversary Party held at the Ecole Des Beaux Arts.” Which is much, much too fancy, which is why I got slightly bored and it occurred to me that we hadn’t corresponded much lately. Don’t even bother telling me what you’ve been up to – I know already. Michael Fassbender, Gerard Butler, James McAvoy, Alex Skarsgard. You know they’re all pussies, right? I could take them all on at once with one hand tied behind my back. I could also give you a night of exquisite pleasure… with your hands tied behind your back. Think about it.


Still, I worried that too much time had passed and that you might be “over” me. So I decided to pose with someone douchey, just so you would realize it: “Ah, Clive really is the ONLY option.” Here I am, laughing at Adrien Brody’s douche:



And here I am with Catherine Deneuve. NAILED HER! You can tell because she has that perplexed, satisfied look.


In case you needed extra evidence of my badassery, have you watched the trailer for my new movie, Killer Elite, yet? It has Jason Statham and Robert DeNiro and my mustache. But soon you’ll forget about the ‘stache when I start beating the hell out of people and looking sweaty and peeved and horny. It’s erotic, I know.

I mean… how do you NOT want to see that? CLIVE BEING CLIVE. Clive being badass. Clive being sweaty. Clive being aggravated. Clive taking what he wants. Clive taking what he needs. Clive in your bed. You know you can’t resist.



Photos courtesy of WENN & Fame.

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44 Responses to “From the Desk of Clive Owen: Did you miss me, bitches?”

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  1. brin says:

    Well this bitch missed you! I will go see “Killer Elite” and swoon at your badassery, my beloved Clive.

  2. the original bellaluna says:

    Ah, Clive, how I’ve missed you…and your lovely letters.

    I will totally see any movie with Clive and Jason. Seriously.

  3. brin says:

    @bellaluna….me too (and don’t forget Gerry Butler)!
    Kaiser…just saw the trailer for “The Immortals” and Henry Cavill is worthy of HGF!

  4. Addie says:

    Dunno, Adrien is pretty hot himself.
    After The Pianst,Adrien Brody can do no wrong.

    ps. where is Clive’s wedding ring?

  5. Kim says:

    Love the post..made me laugh out loud.

  6. werty says:

    ooh i got goosebumps. Definetely seeing this one.
    Also i love Statham and your writing is awsome Kaiser!

  7. Quest says:

    Oh yes I did, Mr. Owen…I surely did miss you.

    Bonus of Jason Statham and Robert DeNiro in Killer Elite, I will surely be smiling and not with my face

  8. the original bellaluna says:

    OMGoodness! Just watched the trailer. It’s like porn to me!

    @ brin – Oh, no, we could never forget the Butler. What we have is s-o-o special. ;)

  9. BW says:

    He took the wedding ring off just for you!

    I think he needs to quit dyeing his hair and let the grey come in. He’ll be an absolute silver fox.

  10. Roberta says:

    I love this feature….it’s hilarious and so well written…. :) Clive is so hot…. CB, give Kaiser a raise..hehe

  11. kiko says:

    @the original bellaluna porn indeed!jason and clive trying to kill each other ;)

    this looks goooood!!!

  12. Vee says:

    Yes, I missed you, so glad you are back!
    This post had made my week, thanks so much!

  13. the_blonde_one says:

    I look forward to these so much but had forgotten about them. It was like a nice surprise gift this morning :)

  14. mariaj says:

    ” Did you lovely bitches miss me?”

    No, darling. Next.

  15. Addie says:

    @BW lol

    Ok, after posing ringless for our pleasure , he needs to go home, put the ring back on and remind his wife how lucky she is.


  16. fannomore says:

    Catherine Deneuve looks amazing, she must be close to 80

  17. TQB says:

    Love how it takes a month or so to remove the Hemmingway ‘stache, but the pants come off in seconds. Clive knows what *really* matters.

  18. Lulu says:

    Hahaha this just made my day!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!

  19. ElleGin says:

    @ Kaiser, You’re genius. I laughed too hard and I think I pulled a muscle. Hopefully you can do one with Alex sometime.
    (Sorry Clive, can’t resist tall blondes with baby blue eyes.)

  20. silken_floss says:

    My thighs are quivering right now after reading that, tbh LOL

  21. Katie says:

    I’m not even super into Clive, but I do so love when he writes to us.

  22. Lala11_7 says:

    Dear Clivey…

    “I’ll be your huckleberry”…


  23. Jen34 says:

    **Michael Fassbender, Gerard Butler, James McAvoy, Alex Skarsgard. You know they’re all pussies, right? **

    LOL Well then, Clive, you must be something else. You, too, Kaiser. I’m still laughing.

  24. madpoe says:

    OMG I LOVED this wonderful post!
    Can’t remove my grin.
    Altho’ Michael Fassbender is keepin’ things warm in your absence.

  25. Chickie Baby says:

    Oh, Clive…yes, yes, YES! How we have missed you. It’s already hot this summer—you could give all us one bad case of heat stroke!

    Thank you, you hunk of man, you.

  26. Rita says:

    Clive, your absence has made this heart grow fonder and your deep musky cyber voice has gotten my biscuits tingling.

    BTW Clive, Catherine Deneuve has alway been one of the most beautiful and classy women on the planet. God, I’ve always thought she was the epitome of beauty.

  27. mia girl says:

    @kaiser You are a real talent. I appreciate you, CB and BH so very much. :)

    And I’ve been watching Owen in Duplicity (which is playing on HBO this month). I fall in lust with him more and more each time… I hardly even notice that he plays against Julia Roberts (yuk) in that movie. Frankly, he could tell a tree he want to f*ck it and I would be turned on!

    If they ever make that Furious Love movie, Owen HAS to play Burton.

  28. DanDan says:

    Tantalizing post.
    Clive?? Not so much. He looks bloated, much like Butler. So gross…both of them…yuckies.

  29. keybeyhey says:

    Loved this! Sent it to my hubby since Clive is #1 on my exemption list, and this perfectly summed up why Clive’s so utterly magnificent. Well done!

  30. Firecracker says:

    Yummmmmy, loved this!

  31. Eve says:

    I love Adrien Brody. And I’ve read and heard enough about him to know that he is NOT a douche.

    He’s a f*cking great actor, sexy and hot: love his lanky body, his black, silky hair and man, oh man, his long fingered hands.

  32. I Choose Me says:

    Huh, I’ve posted twice now and it didn’t show up. Am I banned or something? I didn’t say anything that could be deemed offensive so what gives?

  33. Eve says:

    @ I Choose Me:

    Sometimes the spam filter triggers without any particular reason, I mean, without offensive words or insults in the comments — there was a day I was being unable to post on a Hot Guy Friday thread, I had to post using a friend’s e-mail address (I sent an e-mail explaining everything and it was fixed). Also, I think that when we post a comment with too many HTML marks (the ones I love using like bold and italics), the spam filter is triggered too.

  34. Az says:

    Oh my effing God I can hardly deal with the hotness.

  35. jane16 says:

    Kaiser is on a roll. Brilliant!

  36. I Choose Me says:

    @Eve. Ok. I was basically trying to agree with you about Adrien. I’ve always heard nice things about him, his sartorial choices and tolerance of Paris Hilton notwithstanding. And his hands really are beautiful.

  37. rkintn says:

    O.M.G. I will SOOOOOOO be going to see this movie. Clive, Jason AND Robert?! I just about can’t breathe thinking about it;)

  38. Camille says:

    Oh Clive, I have missed you indeed. :)

  39. cindy says:

    I love it when a guy calls me and ask “Do you miss me bitch.” Reply is “YES MY BITCH and why aren’t you over here doing your job.” You can call me any time Owen

  40. Sara says:

    Thanks for the post Clive! We missed you! Please don’t leave us for so long again…our biscuits can’t help but wander!

  41. flqueenfan says:

    This is the first of these posts I’ve seen (it was linked to via The Frisky) and I must say it was lovely. I think it could only have been improved had Mr. Owen read it to us, as I imagine he has a perfect French accent for those bits where he needs to. If anybody remembers “A Fish Called Wanda” and how Jamie Lee Curtis reacts whenever a man speaks in a foreign language, I think you;ll understand. Now, I must go find some ice or something.

  42. RovingLass says:

    Made my day, Kaiser. too funny. Now this is what an 1st rate action movie should look like. Can’t wait to see it.

  43. Karin (from BRAZIL) says:

    Gee, I´m wet just to read this f*****g text!