Jessica Simpson is mad that unemployed Eric Johnson gets up at 5:30 a.m.

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“I’m sleepy. And farty.”

Did you hear the story about Jessica Simpson’s phantom pregnancy this week? Go here to see the photos – Jessica stepped out in a very clingy, unflattering dress and she appeared to have what was either a second-term fetus, or a significant beer/tequila/Scotch gut. Hours after the photos came out, Jessica’s rep denied the pregnancy, of course. At this point, I don’t see her getting knocked up before the wedding, which most people think is happening on November 11, one year exactly from the day that Eric proposed to her with that tacky-looking ruby ring.

Anyway, In Touch has a great story for anyone interested in a “Stars: they have the same boring, tedious problems that I have!” story. This one is about SLEEP, one of my favorite subjects. It seems that Eric Johnson and I have one thing in common: we’re both early risers. The difference between us is that I get up to shower and work, while Eric gets up BEFORE the crack of dawn so he can go practice his golf swing. Yeah… if I was Jessica, I would be pissed off too.

The early bird gets the worm – and in Eric Johnson’s case, he also gets the wrath of his soon-to-be wife, Jessica Simpson. The unemployed former football player, 31, doesn’t have a job to report to every morning, but a friend of Jessica’s says he still likes to go to bed super-early and get up at 5:30 a.m. to go to the gym and practice his golf swing. And his senior-citizen ways are driving bread-winning Jessica, 31, up a wall.

“Jessica is getting annoyed – she makes the money but he forces her to wake up early and then plays all day long,” the friend tells In Touch.

Jessica doesn’t even seem to be putting him to work when it comes to planning and paying for their November 11 wedding. The friend says Jessica is controlling the guest list, the accomodations, the menu and even what Eric will wear.

“She told Eric to show up and that everything else will be handled. He has zero input in anything.” Except maybe what time they’ll wake up the day after!

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

Technically, Jessica doesn’t NEED to get up with Eric, but I’m betting that she wakes up when he gets out of bed, and is simply unable to go back to sleep. What an F-ing bastard. Jessica needs her sleep! BITCHES NEED THEIR SLEEP. Stop waking us up with your moaning and groaning and farting and morning boners and all of the early-morning sounds designed to make us get up and make coffee. Screw you, d-bags! Jessica should dump him just for this alone.

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Photos courtesy of

 

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52 Responses to “Jessica Simpson is mad that unemployed Eric Johnson gets up at 5:30 a.m.”

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  1. Dglandroy says:

    Ha ha, I needed a good laugh! Thanks!

  2. brin says:

    That was a good one! Nothing worse than incompatible sleep patterns…especially when the early riser isn’t the bread winner!

  3. Cherry says:

    Amen to this! I would also totally dump a guy for forcing me to wake up early! The bastard!
    On a side note: how dumb do they both look on pic #1? LOL

  4. Quest says:

    I’m sure Jess can fart her way out of this one…but remember Nick got married already, boo hoo…how could he, doubt she will turn back now

  5. tango says:

    Stupid Jess. If she can’t fall back asleep after her boyfriend gets up, or she submits to him demanding she get up also, then she’s the loser. I think Jess ought to tell Eric that he needs to stop hitting golf balls and start hitting the pavement to look for a job if he’s getting up so early.

  6. The Truth Fairy says:

    “The early bird gets the worm”???

    More like “The early worm gets eaten by the bird.”

  7. RocketMerry says:

    Yes, Kaiser! Especially the “Is that coffee? Are you doing coffee, hon?” moaning. No, you bitch. I’m here in bed, sound asleep, and I’m not making coffee. Nor general breakfast. Now die, please.

  8. Dangerfox says:

    Sheesh, where/when are these photos from? Fur coats and snow boots? Meanwhile most of the United States is swimming in their own sweat right now.

  9. gloaming says:

    When I worked night shifts, my ex used to put the clock back by two hours to get me up early to look after our child. To this day, I still hate him for it.

    Messing with someone’s sleep is definately a dumpable offence!

  10. Leigh says:

    Not to gloat but my lovely husband gets up to make me coffee, even on mornings where I have to get up and he doesn’t.

    Then again, I’m NOT a morning person and this may be partly out of self-preservation.

  11. Jana says:

    What is the guy doing? She tried to say once that he had his own money and was going to open up a vegetarian fast-food franchise. Oh, that will really go. The money he has at least it’s growing, because she’s supporting him and he doesn’t have to spend it. I wonder if she will go through with this wedding just because Nick got married, or will she wake up and realize it’s not going to work.

  12. the original bellaluna says:

    And what about the snoring? That incessant snoring!

    I’ve been a mom for over half my life, and I’ll wake up to a mouse fart. And once I’m up, I’m up. (I am a proponent of naps, however.)

  13. Anonymous says:

    Gee, if he doesn’t have a job, how did he ‘afford’ to buy that tacky Birkin bag for her? I would rather be alone, than to have to pay for a man.

  14. t says:

    Did anybody see this reveal at CDAN over the 4th of July…

    Monday, July 04, 2011
    Blind Items Revealed

    April 8, 2011

    #3 & #4 – Speaking of A list celebrity couples. Well, not really, because only the woman is. The guy is a hanger on. Anyway, earlier this week they visited her lawyer to talk about a pre-nup. Apparently the yelling got so loud, there was a crowd around the conference room where the meeting was being held. This went on for an hour. Now I wonder whether the wedding will even take place.

    Jessica Simpson & Eric Johnson

    My theory is, unless they agree on the terms for his appearance as the groom at her wedding, her camp will keep floating stories like this one because she will need an exit strategy that will save face.

    I know it’s a lame excuse for a breakup, but it is no lamer than the engagement story the Simpsons came up with for Jessica.

  15. cookb says:

    I LOVE Jessica. She should dump the slacker BF and let the Millionaire Matchmaker fix her up

  16. JQ says:

    Oh I’d KILL if my husband did that to me. Now it’s our new baby that wakes us that early. But she’s a good girl and goes right back to sleep after her feeding, thank goodness. Before we got pregnant though, my husband was always trying to wake me up early (but not at 5:30). He’s Chinese and I’m American. After a while, he finally adapted to my ways and I’m happy to say we’ve blended our cultures quite well.

  17. Mitch Buchanan Rocks says:

    In the first photo Jessica looks like she is thinking “I still can’t belieeeeeve that Nick married Vanessa” and the dude is thinking “bwaahahaha”

  18. YvetteW says:

    Is this the best guy that money can buy? I think she should look at the catalog again.

  19. lucky says:

    “BITCHES NEED THEIR SLEEP. Stop waking us up with your moaning and groaning and farting and morning boners and all of the early-morning sounds designed to make us get up and make coffee. Screw you, d-bags!”

    Well that’s it ladies and gentleman, the best part of the day has happened, check back tomorrow and remember to tip your waiters…

  20. xxodettexx says:

    @YvetteW: comment of the day! hahaha

  21. Flan says:

    Dump the bastard, what a douche!

  22. Praise St. Angie! says:

    um…has she tried sleeping in a different bed?

    I know a few happily married couples (my generation AND my parents generation) that are not compatible sleepers, so when they actually SLEEP, they do it in different beds. no biggie…

    and bellaluna, I’m the same way. I’m not a mom, but I wake up for a mouse fart, too. and once up, it’s VERY hard for me to go back to sleep. it SUCKS, esp because the bf is a snorer, and he tends to fall asleep in (literally) a few minutes.

  23. dread pirate cuervo says:

    I’m team Football K-Fed on this one. I get up at 5, 5:30 to work out. I do have to go to work afterwards, though. Maybe Farty McSloppytits should join him at the gym & she wouldn’t always look pregnant.

  24. ladybert62 says:

    Separate beds/separate bedrooms – she has enough money to afford this. Problem solved! He can get up early and she can sleep all day if she wants.

  25. Lee says:

    We’re also in the sleep-in-different-bedrooms camp over here!! And I have to say, it has made this bitch a much happier girl. It makes for an all-around happier relationship, cause when I’m happy, everyone’s happy :) Sex can happen anywhere, anytime, but sleep, well, that’s a non-negotiable eight hours.

  26. Lila says:

    She is gonna be a tubby little bride if she keeps going like this…

  27. Original Tiffany says:

    I am a horrible sleeper, 2 hours at a time, but like naps too. Because I am so damn tired all the time. Anyway, like @Leigh, I am blessed by a husband who makes me coffee and breakfast if I want it everyday.
    Hey Bitch, get in here with that coffee, will ya? Just joking, though he’s about 5 minutes overdue:)

  28. lucky says:

    @Lila- and that is the worst option? Who cares about her f-ing weight? skinny does not a beautiful bride make.

  29. lrm says:

    WHY is this a story?
    She is a joke; her relationship wiht him is a joke.
    I find her pathetic as the years go on-though harmless and sweet at the same time.
    but seriously, her oversized birthday bag gift just has a ghetto vibe to it now. it’s not the early 90′s, jess.
    get a life!

    i just had to say that-i didnt even read the story and tried not to click…but between her, zoe kravitz, carrie underwood, carey mulligan, etc etc
    i’m just wondering: is it a really slow news day? cuz these ppl are just not news to me-and some of them in my world are barely celebs.

  30. Obvious says:

    I must be lucky. When my boyfriend decides to wake me up early for no reason at all, he normally makes me tea and wakes me up with kisses so i don’t go super bitch on his ass…cuz i will too and he knows it. =)

    Jess honey, if this is true it’s not worth. Think of how annoying it is now, how about 5 years from now? will you survive or will you snap? get out while you still can!

  31. Danny says:

    LOL, good post.

    He could stop eating burritos before bed, she could wear ear plugs. She could help out with the boners though. It’d help her get back to sleep.

  32. Truthful says:

    I wonder why he doesn’t play football anymore??

  33. Dude-As someone who is up at the break of dawn EVERY morning,take some advice from me..SLEEP IN!!

  34. IAMEROK says:

    @ Dread Pirate Cuervo: PREACH it sister! I get up at 5am to workout before work. I know I’m not causing my man to curse the gods and or dump my ass by waking up early.
    “Farty McSloppytits” Bless you Dread Pirate!! :D

  35. 4Real says:

    Umm isn’t she like worth BILLIONS?! What is he supposed to get a job at a sports bar or as a PE teacher?? LOL!!

    Seriously I agree he’s a tool…I hate when my husband makes noise too early in the morning.

  36. Swan Hakka says:

    I’m with her, nothing is more annoying than a person who wakes up at the crack of dawn for no reason. Call me, Jess, I’ll sleep until noon if at all possible.

  37. Melissa says:

    Ear plugs work wonders for me. I highly recommend!

  38. Alexa says:

    Ugh . . . from the sounds of things, I really hope she doesn’t marry this guy. I will still love you Jessica! You’re NOT DESPERATE! You just want a close companion just like most people do. Thing is – you don’t need to get married. You’ve got too much to lose, girl!! (For lack of a better phrase – YOU DA MAN, JESS! Don’t forget that.)

  39. Lila says:

    @Lucky – When she constantly mentions it in interviews, its obvious she cares about her weight. Any anyone that has eyes can see that Jessica looked better when she was lighter. She’s in the fashion industry for crying out loud. Appearance does matter.

  40. lucky says:

    riiight… I am pretty sure there are folks in the fashion industry that aren’t a size 0… I think in fact there are entire movements around that.

    Also the only reason people feel tortured about weight is because individuals continue to push the idea that to “look good” you have to be small. I don’t think Jessica looks bad at all. She looked great when she was thin but she looks great now too (except for some booty short misfortune, but I digress). If she has so much trouble staying tiny maybe she isn’t meant to be tiny and should find peace there…

    At any rate of everything to judge someone on being a “tubby bride” doesn’t seem necessary.

  41. molly says:

    This is the reason to live alone, and sleep alone. I in fact did get out of my last relationship after realizing I don’t live or sleep well with others. Some call me selfish, I say well rested.

  42. garvels says:

    @leigh-ha ha ha….my husband does the same thing. I must be an awful morning person, because my room mate in college would bring me coffee in the morning as well.

  43. Rio says:

    So what’s worse? Being with an early riser or a chronic insomniac like myself? It can take me hours to fall asleep- I basically hae to be up and doing things to the point of exhaustion so that when I lie down I pass out- otherwise I’ll be tossing most of the night.
    Drove my ex crazy, but HE was a nightly sleep-talker!

  44. firefly says:

    When one person in the relationship is going to bed early AND getting up early…NOT a good sign. They’re avoiding the other person!

  45. Franny says:

    omg. morning boners are THE WORST. especially when they poke you. look, im sleeping. i do not want to wake up so you can continue to poke me.

  46. the original bellaluna says:

    I don’t know, I kinda like morning boners, since I’m up anyway. Might as well get while the gettin’s good, right? ;)

  47. Kim says:

    Me thinks she is more upset that he isnt up and looking for a job vs. practicing his swing.

  48. Nibbi says:

    hahahahaa kaiser you’re so right about that. also, you’re hilarious.

    i’ve actually found i’ve become a healthier, more alert, happier person since my breakup, and i suspect it’s not just cuz of the end of a painfully codependent relationship… i think it’s the simple fact of getting enough SLEEP on a regular basis. think about it, chickies, and don’t let ‘em tell you you’re a bitch in the mornings… cuz you might need to be alone in your bed.

  49. Melancholy says:

    “BITCHES NEED THEIR SLEEP. Stop waking us up with your moaning and groaning and farting and morning boners and all of the early-morning sounds designed to make us get up and make coffee. Screw you, d-bags!”

    Hahahahaha! You sound like the voice of very bitter experience, Kaiser. :D

  50. Mary Jane says:

    @the original bellaluna: I’m with you sista! Probably the only thing that could get me to wake up at an ungodly hour before coffee…

  51. Annie says:

    @firefly – haha that’s true. Sleeping at odd hours is a (sometimes subconscious) way of avoiding the other person. Uh, oh Jessica.

  52. Jenn says:

    She really ought to go to the gym with him!