John Mayer gorging on Hot Pockets, ‘heavy with regrets’ at losing Aniston

Mayer and Aniston at the 2009 VF Oscar Party

You know that Jennifer Aniston’s rep is feeding stories to US Weekly. So that makes this story making fun of her ex John Mayer’s weight gain all the more delicious. It’s funny, and it’s bitchy and I picture Aniston drinking a cocktail and chatting on the phone with Huvane, telling him that Mayer texted her and getting lots of help spinning this story into Mayer as a sad sack loser, pitiful with regret at losing Aniston. I doubt this is the case at all, but he was a real ass to her in the press and turnabout is fair play. This isn’t the first we’ve heard of this. The Enquirer ran a similar story about a month ago on Mayer trying to with Aniston back. Here’s the story from US Weekly:

A source says the singer, who put the final kibosh on his one-year romance with Aniston in March 2009, still pines for her. “She was the one who got away,” says the friend. “He’s definitely not thrilled to see Jen in so many photos with a new guy – especially one who is a cooler version of him.” Now spending his time gorging on pizza bites, Hot Pickets and Smucker’s Uncrustables while writing new tunes in his home in L.A.’s Pacific Palisades, Mayer, 33, is ahem, heavy with regrets. “He’s just eating microwave food and getting chunky,” the pal adds of Mayer, who had notoriously held an impromptu street press conference to discuss an initial split with Aniston in 2008. “Seeing Jen happy now isn’t easy. He cared about her more than any of his other girlfriends.”

[From US Magazine, print edition, August 29, 2011]

That’s awesome, right? They get so specific about the junk food that Mayer prefers that it’s like a commercial. “You too can drown your depression at being an oversharing douche by popping some Uncrustables in the microwave! It’s like a little PB&J pie of happiness.”

How do they even know which microwave crap Mayer is eating? He’s no longer on Twitter and doesn’t blog anymore. Is he texting the details to Aniston? “I miss u so much. Just 8 hole box of uncrustables lol!

Mayer was looking heavier earlier this year, but he lost a lot of weight recently. Even when he was “chubby” as this article claims, he wasn’t bad looking. He kind of looked like when Johnny Depp was heavy, except with none of Johnny’s redeeming qualities.

Here is is on April 30th:

And more recently August 4th. He’s lost weight and he wasn’t bad before either.


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46 Responses to “John Mayer gorging on Hot Pockets, ‘heavy with regrets’ at losing Aniston”

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  1. Thea says:

    You know he wasnt that bad looking. But all I can think of is his “feces fetish” and I want to LMAO. I can just picture Jessica aka Napalm playing Dirty Sanchez and it makes my life looking pretty dang good.

  2. Jayna says:

    I don’t believe this story.

  3. Faye says:

    This is hilarious! If he’s upset over her happiness, it’s probably because he’s a self centered dick and doesn’t like that she can be happy with another dong. And the thought of him texting her about his uncrustables, hilarious! Ah, this was a good one.

  4. DenG says:

    Mayer can lose weight, but Aniston can’t…well, you know.

  5. brin says:

    His body ain’t no wonderland.

  6. gee says:

    I think he is hotter when he’s heavier! But I think we all know how I feel about the bloated, hairy, sleazy men a la Mr. Butler.

    I have a problem.

  7. Ell says:

    Didn’t he want Jessica Simpson back too after she’d moved on – that’s the kind of guy he is.

    Maybe they know the details of what he’s eating because it really was a pal who sold them the story. I can’t see Jen’s reps wanting to rake up her past when she’s got a new hot man.

  8. lucy2 says:

    I don’t think he cares about anyone but himself, but the idea of him drowning his sorrows in junk food marketed to teenagers is pretty funny.

    I still love that gown she wore.

  9. RocketMerry says:

    He’s a good looking guy and his weight gain was probably, how much, 5 lbs?
    Side note, another one of Pitt’s exes who makes fun of “fatties”?! The plot thickens… Ok, I was super joking there. K?
    Side side note, “cooler version of him”? Oh, Jen.

  10. yepp says:

    Fuckin A I love pizza bites , those things rock!

  11. Pyewacket says:

    Aniston is not feeding these stories to the press. She is happy now and I doubt very much cares about anything to do with John Meyer.

  12. meaza says:

    this is a bunch of bullshit…Aniston needs to get on with her life and leave Mayer alone and stop making up stories to stay in the light…sorry hun

  13. Auntie Git says:

    Johnny Depp is exactly what I was thinking when I saw the pic. I’m STILL not over Jennifer hooking up with Heidi’s man!! I went to elementary school with her. :( “So not cool”

  14. That's Interesting says:

    If Aniston’s rep is feeding stories to US Weekly what on earth are BRAND-gelina doing with People magazine? We’ve gotten two “Inside the Jolie-Pitt Family” covers in the last three months and just this morning a run down of their digs in Scotland, complete with photos of them hanging out on the estate.

    As many commenters on this site have pointed out, if it’s in People Mag it was approved by the celeb. It can’t be that everyone in Hollywood is feeding stories to the tabs, while the Jolie-Pitt covers are just accidental.

    Also, what the hell is Reese Witherspoon doing with her PR. We’ve gotten wedding photos, honeymoon photos, daily vacation photos. Isn’t it time to call her out?

  15. Anna says:

    Well written, Stephen Huvane.

  16. Stacia says:

    HE’d be such a cool guy if he didn’t have such a douchey personality.

  17. Juliesunflower says:

    It looks as if Jen is trying to get HIM back. Should stop with all these crap digs at him because it is making her look infantile and uncontented with Theroux.

  18. Sigh. says:

    Eh…I think dumbass here *might* still feeling the effects of that STUPID Playboy interview. He insulted a lot of people (women, african-americans, yes, even Aniston and Simpson fans), and since the fallout, he has remained relatively quiet (for him). Since he’s stopped spouting off at the mouth (regular TMZ appearances, impromptu street corner press conferences, twitter), he must have been stuffing it for a minute.

  19. Anita says:

    I never liked them together, so I loved it when they split. Jen and Justin are right.

  20. Harley says:

    I thought he looked a little like Johnny D. in the 2nd pic, but without the sex appeal factor. He’s so douchetastic, and IMHO he deserves the crappy press- especially after his Playboy interview.

    I sincerely doubt this story is true, but a small part of me hopes it is.

  21. Katy says:

    I don’t care if it’s untrue; when it comes to John Mayer, I have the worst case of schadenfreude. Reading about this self-important douche-nozzle’s misfortunes makes me giggle like Anderson Copper…*tee hee hee* ; D

  22. 4Real says:

    He’s looking more and more like Jack from White Stripes.

  23. DreamyK says:

    He looks the same to me. And I think this story is BS. If he had really wanted her, he would have had her.

  24. Firecracker says:

    omg, this article is hilarious! “Just 8 hole box of uncrustables,” LMAO!

  25. Justaposter says:

    I had to do a double take on this photo and wonder what in the hell happened to Johnny!

    And like Stacia said…

    HE’d be such a cool guy if he didn’t have such a douchey personality

  26. KLO says:

    I think this story is bull. John didn’t want Jen, she was too old for him, as he pointed out in a very nice, veiled way.
    And man, he had been pretty buff for quite a long time, maybe he just felt like taking a break from working out and that’s why he gained weight. I do that sometimes too. No big deal.

  27. Enny says:

    The specificity of the food makes me think this did come from Aniston. They were together a while, so she knows his go-to junk food. And she’s using it against him. But, after the way he treated her, I say good for her! And Theroux is a HUGE step up from Mayer.

  28. Evie says:

    No lie, this story makes me smile like a crazy person. Even if it was pulled out of thin air, I love it. Mayer’s a douche.

    But Uncrustables are wonderful for a lazy person like me. And I’d never even thought of popping them in the microwave. Hmm…

  29. E.Sally says:

    This is for a comedy sketch on SNL right? John eats at Nobu and Katsuya… how does one regress to Uncrustables? My kids don’t eat that s*. lol

  30. bogie says:

    this is all Huvane. John did not gain weight…he just wore heavy clothes and stopped showing off his muscles.

  31. Nev says:

    These stupid leaks from Aniston’s pr is getting very desperate and ignorant. We all know what they are about. I don’t like Mayer but at this point I’m beginning to feel sorry for him because he has stupid Aniston on his back the way Pitt has and can’t get rid of her. Apparently Jen ran out of dignity.
    In fact Jen and Huvane are beginning to look like major creepers to me. Normal people move on with there life after break ups. I don’t understand why Jen has moving on issues. I don’t believe for 1 second that Mayer is stressing over not being with her. Her relationship with this Justin guy must be fake or not going well if Jen is pulling tricks to get Mayer back. One thing for Jen can stop these leaks if she wanted to.

  32. She actually looks very happy to be at his side.Look at her,shes just ‘glowing.’ Too bad..they were meant for each other.Oh,and thats not a compliment.

  33. mln76 says:

    I think the ex he still has the hots for is Jessica. He called her the sexual equivalent of crack remember??? Sexual napalm right? And in the next breath said Jen was nice but he didn’t want to be in the kitchen playing with her dog? Oh god I feel a bit dirty repeating that and if I am wrong I apologize in advance. Let’s hope Justin isnt in the John Mayer category of douche.

  34. bogie says:

    Brad Pitt and John Mayer was like platinum to her ego. Rich good looking and with tons of women wanting them. Too bad these guys have brains and need a lady to feed it. Aniston is just a shallow shell.

  35. oh the humanity says:

    Shame on you Us weekly people are dying of hunger in Syria and all over the world and this is what you came with.So disrespectfull and ignorant.John Mayer puts a simle on million of people’s faces and i think this is all that matters.He brings joy .Shame on you!PS.he is beautiful inside/out.YOU IDIOTS.

  36. lisa says:

    What exactly do Brad and Angie have to do with a story about Mayer/Aniston

    LOL.. I just don’t get it or why

  37. Twez says:

    I have never in my life been depressed enough to eat an “Uncrustable.”

  38. John Wayne Lives says:

    @Faye… Totally nailed it lol
    @gee… I think I just fell inlove with you lolol.

  39. Uh... says:

    Did anyone catch the spelling typo? It’s “HOT POCKETS” not “HOT “PICKETS”! What the helll has happened to good ole a$$ backwards bullshat-filled gossip nowadays? It was never good or true! And John Mayer sold his home in the Pacific Palisades in Feb./Match 2011, you idiots! The statement about eating junk food came from his twitter account that no longer exist, but still leaves lingering traces on various twitter search engines on the Internet! There are soooooo many discrepancies in this article that it makes me laugh and one more thing: John Mayer isn’t a douche! He’s a great guy! I highly doubt that this article has ANY truth to it!!!

  40. Duh says:

    What if John Mayer’s ex azz-wipes sleezy friends are the ones selling shiznit filled malarky to the media because they’re broke and need some payoffs? Maybe they aren’t rolling or ballin’ as well as Mayer is and so they think of lies to sell to D-F rated gossip blogs like this one? What real friend would go to a gossip site or share details about a their friend? Real friends don’t sell you out for pennies! I just don’t believe this story is true. Mayer looks good and like he’s staying in shape and what he eats or doesn’t eat is his business. Dude is working on music and prodicing! Yup and Mayer did sale his dig in Pacific Palisades earlier this year peeps! Do your homework! Why do articles always use the phony and pretentious word SOURCE? Why don’t they use the word “bullsh!tter with big mouth who wants to seem special or important in JM’s entourage”?

  41. Dede says:

    Yeppers. Didn’t Perez say sumthin about Mayer selling his place? I seen it on a bunch of gossip sites that he did sale his place and I do recall the tweets about the uncrustables and hot pockets from 2009 back then and not 2011 now!!!!!!!!!! It’s hard to know what’s tru and what’s not. I like the man’s music and am waiting for his album to drop!

  42. Nona says:

    I sure hope this isn’t true. I’ve seen so many articles about John Mayer not being able to move on and articles about Jen Aniston rubbing her relationship in John’s face. Hopefully John Mayer will be able or already has moved on from Aniston. Hopefully both will go on with their lives. They just weren’t right for each other. They gave it three chances and still it failed. As to sources, we can’t always believe what we read. How do we know that John Mayer hasn’t moved on already? He seems like he’s keeping his life closed to the public and none of us know what he’s doing or if he’s seeing someone. I read that he’s working on his music. I don’t think he’d be so mobile if he was mourning over Jen. He seems to be avoiding her from tabloid reports. He doesnt purposely seem to be in the same city with her. Hes on one coast and shes on another from reports. Thats a good thing and shows he has moved on. Hes not stagnant either. He seems to be thriving. The life of celebrities is a big mystery. I’m curious as to why stories get recycled and reused over and over.

  43. Amanda says:

    He doesn’t look like he has gained that much weight to me? But I don’t know…

    I don’t really like him.

  44. Camille says:

    I don’t believe this story either.

    @mln76: I’m more inclined to believe that Mayer would rather be back with JSimp than Aniston going by that interview, definitely.

    I don’t think Mayer was all that into JA by what he said in that interview or by his past actions when he was with her. They made such an odd couple.
    I’d like to see JA back with Tate Donovan actually, they seemed right together somehow.

  45. 9 out 10 experts recommend says:

    I love John Mayer & his music. Don’t make fun of me, because I am covered in rain….