I can’t even begin to describe how depressed I am this morning. When I was first looking through the morning photos, my heart skipped a beat when I saw that the LA premiere of Haywire was held last night. That could only mean one thing: My Fassy. Michael Fassbender has a supporting role in the Steven Soderbergh film, which stars Gina Carano as a Jason Bourne-esque CIA operative who goes rogue after the agency tries to kill her. Fassbender plays the hit man who is first assigned to take her out. It does not end well for him, unfortunately. Anyway, Fassy wasn’t there. SON OF A…! There are no photos of The Beast Within. He was probably off somewhere, wrecking some lucky bitch’s sweetshop.

So we’re left with this assortment of dongs. It’s a decent gathering of dudes, but I’m still disappointed. I’m including photos of Ewan McGregor and his wife Eve, who… look, I’m sure Eve is a lovely woman, she’s raising four girls out of the spotlight, and Ewan seems to just adore her. BUT HER HAIR. Good God. Meanwhile, Ewan is a vampire. He’s 40 years old! He could pass for late 20s.

Here’s Channing Tatum and Gina Carano. Gina’s dress is lovely – I like that she got all decked out for her first big premiere for her first starring role. Also: Channing is HUGE. Jesus.

Channing with his wife Jenna Dewan. I think Jenna is a really pretty girl, in that cute girl-next-door way. I don’t like her hair either, though.

Matt Bomer was there, for no reason than he likes wearing suits, I guess. He’s so pretty, it hurts.

Melanie Griffith… I don’t even know. No comment.

Joe Manganiello – random beefcake. He looks nice here, though. He and Bomer are tight, so maybe they had a boys’ night out to support Soderbergh, who they both worked with on that male-stripper movie. Based on Channing Tatum’s early years. Joe is playing Big Dick Richie, just FYI.

Dominic Monaghan – random Hobbit.

Photos courtesy of Fame.