Maggie Gyllenhaal: ‘I used to be judgmental of the way people would parent’

Maggie Gyllenhaal wants you to know that she is not a judgy mother. With this statement comes another admission: she used to a be a judgy childless person, before she gave birth to daughter Ramona nearly six years ago. Maggie gave a new interview to Scholastic Parent & Child where she discussed how women judge each other, specifically how women judge each other regarding child-rearing. We hear a lot about judgy mothers judging other judgy mothers. But Maggie is tapping into something we don’t hear a lot about because childless – or childfree! – women won’t admit to it: the fact that non-mothers often look at moms and we judge you and how you’re doing it. Maggie, a former non-mother, now says that she gets it. She gets all of it.

From the outside looking in, Maggie Gyllenhaal thought she could pick a perfect parent out of a crowd.

“I used to be judgmental of the way other people would parent,” the actress, 34, shares in Scholastic Parent & Child‘s August/September issue. “I would look at someone talking on a cell phone while her baby was asleep in a stroller and think, ‘How can that mother have her cell phone out?’”

But shortly after the birth of daughter Ramona in 2006, as a new member of the motherhood club, Gyllenhaal found her perceptions on parenting suddenly shifting.

“Then you actually have a baby and you’re like, ‘She’s sleeping; I have 10 minutes; I’ll make three phone calls,” she says. “I think so much of my judgment — not only about how people parent, but about people in general — went away when I became a mom.”

Aside from her newfound approach toward other mothers, Gyllenhaal — who in addition to Ramona, 5½, is also mom to daughter Gloria Ray, 4 months, with husband Peter Sarsgaard — also came to a realization regarding her own parenting powers.

“I was 28 when Ramona was born, and I had this idea that I think a lot of people in their twenties have, that I was supposed to do it perfectly. At least, if not perfectly, then exceptionally well,” she admits. “I’ve realized that that isn’t possible and that part of being a human is making mistakes — and making lots of them.”

And while Gyllenhaal understands “the element of parenting where you have to be a mom and say no,” she is thoroughly enjoying her blossoming relationship with her mini-me, Ramona.

“The fun part is being with this little person and learning about the world and listening to her questions,” she explains. “She comes and runs errands with me and we make it fun. When we talk, she talks like a person. She knows the words that she needs. She’ll ask me if she doesn’t. I like that.”

An advocate for a strong education — it’s “one of the most important gifts you can give your kids,” she states — the Won’t Back Down star is looking forward to her daughters’ intellectual futures … with one exception!

“Besides literature, I liked history. I had trouble with math, though,” Gyllenhaal admits. “I kind of faked my way through it. I don’t know how I’m going to help my daughters with it when the time comes.”

[From People]

I judge Maggie’s weak-ass judgment! She was sitting around, judging moms who got on their cell phones? That’s it? Girl, I judge more than that before I’ve even had my breakfast.

Anyway, I’ve always kind of liked Maggie, but my affection for her grew after I saw her episode of PBS’s Finding Your Roots, in which her fascinating genealogical background was revealed (Russian Jews and Swedish royalty!). Plus, I personally like that she’s such a vocal and informed supporter of women’s reproductive rights in general and Planned Parenthood specifically. She doesn’t try to hide the fact that she’s a politically liberal New Yorker. Something tells me she still judges people.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

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122 Responses to “Maggie Gyllenhaal: ‘I used to be judgmental of the way people would parent’”

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  1. Becky says:

    Her husband is so sexy.

  2. Julie says:

    its something important to talk to but her example is really strange.

  3. Seagulls says:

    She’s got a point! I, who was going to just be a naturally phenomenal parent of Lake Wobegone kiddos… Well, let’s just say I piloted a stroller with a hardcore tantruming toddler through an open Starbucks patio as some pleasant folks smiled or waved at my Tiny Devil and some openly rolled their eyes. Parenthood is nothing if not mind and opinion altering.

    I still judge though. : )

    • RocketMerry says:

      Lol, don’t you just love those eye-rollers? I usually just smile widely and proceed with my day (but I guess when you have a screaming baby in a frenetic situation one does not feel like smiling much…)
      Anywoo, I’m going to judge anything and anybody, any minute of the day: it’s just the way one forms opinions and analyzes the world. The important thing is to not let those judgements close your vision of the world too much: one needs to stay a bit mentally flexible, I guess.

      “Girl, I judge more than that before I’ve even had my breakfast”
      I need that on a t-shirt, a sweat-shirt and a messanger bag.

    • Naye in VA says:

      fFunny story. Afriend accompanied me to the zoo with my not-quite-two year old this Saturday. And early on i explained to him that I wanted a child leash so she could run free without my constantly having to grab her or hold her hand. He called me lazy and oppressive (in a friendly way lol). Babygirl totally refused the stroller in epic fashion so I gave him the reigns to oversee while i pushed around an empty stroller.

      By the time we left he was like “yes, your child totally needs a leash”.

      • Rhea says:

        LOL. 😀 Most of my single friends apparently also have their idea of a perfect parent—and often telling me which best way they think I should did in parenting (in a friendly way like you said)—- SO when they’re starting their own family and faced a similar problem with me before, I happily said : “Welcome to the parenthood! Enjoy the ride.” 😉

      • Yup, Me says:

        Yeah, non parents definitely need some STFU in their lives. Sometimes, I so badly want to say, “Your obvious abundance of unsolicited opinions must mean you’d like to babysit.”

      • Yup, Me says:

        Abundant free time leaves plenty of space for judgmental musings.

      • telesma says:

        Yeah, my kids wore toddler harnesses. No one ever said anything negative about it. Maybe they didn’t have the guts to, because the truth is I would’ve torn a new one into anyone who did and invited them to be responsible for my children if they knew so much.

        I had a number of older women come up to me and tell me what a great parent I was for restraining them, though. I’m not sure if they were happy about it for the kids’ safety or for their own comfort, but either way, it was validating.

      • Havik says:

        So I’m a bit late to the party but I thought I’d share this story.

        A few years ago my mum and I were at the state fair and there was this lady who had her two little toddlers on child-leashes. A woman came up and went on about how “cruel” she was being and how “humiliating” that was for her kids, when the lady looked her straight in the face and said, “Look, I KNOW where my kids are. Do you?”

        My mum went up and congratulated her on being an awesome parent XD if there’s any place parents need to keep a sharp eye on their kids it’s fairs/carnivals.

    • stinky says:

      not a fan of the Starbucks OR their handy daycare area (please).
      and she’s ick in oh-so-many ways.

      • MorticiansDoItDeader says:

        @Naye, did you see the “child leash episode” of Modern Family? Mitchell and Cameron get their daughter a child leash so they don’t lose her in Disney World, but they can stand the looks they’re getting while they’re using it. So they take it off and she runs away. When they find her Ed O’Neil buys her a pair of princess shoes with heels so she can barely walk. Problem solved! I decided to buy my son a pair of crocks that were too big and he slowed down drastically! Yes. I got parenting ideas from a sitcom *hangs head in shame*

      • Stellax2 says:

        @ Mort, that’s very smart!!! I like that idea. I’ll have to pass it along to my sister.

  4. Jackie O says:

    i do my best not to judge…unless its a mother, who does not hold a job, AND has a nanny. that drives me insane and will always get a full dose of my judgement.

    look after your own kid. lazy asses!

    • I.want.shoes says:

      There is no such thing as a woman with no job. There is a house to clean, tons of laundry to do, groceries to buy, and meals to cook for your family. If a mother needs a couple of hours a day with a nanny to have a couple of hours to herself, I see nothing wrong with that.

      • Len says:

        A couple of hours a day to yourself?? As a stay at home mom?? I think that’s a bit of an illusion. Yes, ofcourse you should hire a babysitter a few times a month for some me-time. But a couple of hours a day is pretty unrealistic. How about just chilling out when they go to bed?

      • Rux says:

        I will judge the women with only ONE child that has a nanny. Really?! You can’t handle one f’ing kid. My best friend has three kids, no help and she manages very well and finds a couple of hours a day for herself.

    • Steph says:

      Im sorry but I have to comment, as a mother to 4 month old twins having help has been my saving grace. I am not back at work yet and have already put them in daycare, it is the only way I have retained my sanity. Its not always as simple as waiting until they sleep or nap, because sometimes, that is the only few hours a day you also get to sleep, which means everything else that has to be accomplished, including making sure they have their other needs met, doesnt always get done. You need time to cook, clean, make their bottles (I wasnt able to breastfeed one of the boys due to respiratory distress), find time to pump, find time to eat for yourself, and occasionally schedule a time to go to the damn bathroom. So the few hours a week someone came over to help was the only time I could go to the grocery store, or go to the DR or do any other number of errands that had to get done. At three months I decided to put them in a day care a few hours a day and it has made the biggest difference, I am able to get everything else done that needs to get done, including things for THEM, and then when they come home I can spend hours with them of quality time, and not have to worry about when they will take a nap so I can do laundry, or make their bottles, or whatever…sorry to ramble, but this is something that really bothers me, motherhood is constant work, and we all need a little help sometimes

      • Len says:

        Of course you do! I completely agree. especially with twins. But we are talking about having a nanny. When you don’t work. Not about needing help and time for yourself. Everyone does and there is nothing wrong with that.

      • Steph says:

        The reason why I replied here is because sometimes people hire nannies for the same reason I put my boys in daycare. Not all nannies are full time/live-in, some are really there just for a few hours a day to help out when someone really needs it, and even if they were full time I still wouldn’t judge, we aren’t always privy to the specifics of everyone’s situation, and we shouldn’t judge people for how they parent or what help they feel they need

      • itstrue says:

        I think the original comment is in reference to useless women who spend their time gettin’ their hair did, or getting massages while someone else raises their kids and cooks their meals. I don’t have a problem with someone getting a little help, I have a problem with vapid suckholes of uselessness.

      • ZigZagZoey says:

        Not only that, but you end up missing them and are so happy to see them after having a bit of a break! That’s worth a lot too. 🙂

    • Isa says:

      Forget a nanny! Kids are the fun part. I’d love to have a maid instead. Cleaning sucks. I’d rather spend my time playing with my kids.

      • telesma says:

        This, exactly. Why have kids if you aren’t going to raise them? Kids are awesome. I’d have hired a housekeeper in a heartbeat, but I loved hanging out with my kids.

  5. Isabella Notarfrancesco says:

    Nothing like having a couple of kids of your own to help you let your parents off the hook. I still judge pregnant women who smoke though.

    • MarenGermany says:

      righteously, so!
      I smoke and I dont have words for women who smoke during pregnancy.

      My mom once told me she smoked like 10-15 cigarettes throughout being pregnant with me. I guess that is okay? Quitting is hard.
      Full-on smoking outdoor in public with that huge baby bump just screams white trash bitch.

  6. Trillian says:

    Well, i DO judge. What’s with celebs and baby carriers? I know they can afford decent ones, why do they all insist on carrying the babies with the legs hanging down like that??? That is just wrong!

    • Len says:

      Eh, what do you mean? Alot of parents use these carriers. You have some sort of medical facts that state this is bad for their legs?

      • Miffy says:

        Yeah actually, not sure about anywhere else but here in Ireland they’re frowned upon. It twists a baby’s hips in an unsupportive position which isn’t good given how pliable a baby’s bones are. Most people here use slings if they’re going to carry their babies like that, it offers support and variety in how to carry baby. Both need to be used correctly though, both run the risk of suffocation and overheating.

      • Trillian says:

        Actually, that i quite common knowledge here in Germany. The legs need support:
        http://www.babywearingschool.com/research.htm

      • moxylady007 says:

        the baby can be situated so that their hips are open in some carriers- but not all. ergo is better than baby bjorn for that supposedly.

        but yeah, its actually medically not good for the baby’s hips unless they are situated a certain way- their knees need to be bent.

      • Len says:

        O..I never knew that. I haven’t used one, but my friends do. Maybe this goes to show we shoudn’t be harsh in our judgements but rather inform eachother of things. I’m sure not every mother knows this.

    • Bodhi says:

      I can’t stand crotch danglers. I’m 100% pro-baby wearing & I love to celebs do it, but there are tons of better things to use than crotch danglers.

      • blouson says:

        Yes, but again, I bought the “corect baby carriers and my babies HATED them. Baby Bjorn? LOVED it. I suspect the upright way it held them helped with a minor case of reflux. Honestly, last child would only sleep ON me in a Baby Bjorn for the first 4 months of her life. Total nightmare but, we lived. Point being, all babies are different, maybe mine had flexi hips and over acid stomach? There is no one perfect stroller or carrier…not to mention parents often use what they get given 2nd hand if money is tight…my pet peeves aren’t about basics such as feeding and sleeping. I do get riled up by first time over-parents that think the world revolves around their baby. I’ve had friends expect my 3 yr old to sit quietly for 3 hours in over a meal without even walking around the room because the foosteps “might wake the baby” who is asleep down the corridor. AND we couldn’t have tea or coffee because they worried the boiling of the jug might wake him. ARRRRRGH!!!!. Puh-lease. Just don’t invite anyone over if its that hard.

      • Bodhi says:

        Oh geez, those people are crazy! We had an Ergo, but I traded it for a mei tei b/c I was too fat to wear it comfortably. My kid LOVED the moby, but really doesn’t like being worn any more, which is a total PITA since he wants to be held all the time. My friend made me a beautiful ring sling that I hope we can “practice” using around the house. I’d *really* like him to like it

  7. Keen says:

    I think she was picking an easy example- there are do many ‘mom’ issues that get people riled (breastfeeding, c sections, baby wearing ) she probably just picked something that before you have kids you don’t understand but isn’t that controversial.

  8. Wif says:

    I love her shawl.

    I still judge though. Not about the mild stuff, but if your kid is being a holy terror, and your response is to smile and say, “Oh, kids will be kids” I will judge you for not understanding your role as a parent.

    • Jill says:

      I agree with you. Before I had kids I would get very concerned if I heard a parent loudly reprimanding a child in a store for their behavior (Oh my gosh, abuse!”). Now, I get annoyed if the parent just lets their kids act like terrors and does nothing about it. UNLESS, I see the parent and they have clearly been so worn down by the kid at that point that they are just trying to get through the store as fast as possible without losing their temper. I used to not understand why parents would shop in a store with a kid screaming until one day I looked into the cart of a person with a screaming child and noticed they had bread, milk, diapers and tampons. I’m guessing at that moment, as embarassed as they were by their kid, they had to buy that stuff no matter what. But at least they were heading to the checkout by that point, otherwise lay down the law.

      • shannon says:

        Totally agree; stores are hard with kids at tantrum age. I’ve had many an eye roll while I cajoled my son out of a store just to make it through the checkout line without causing more of a scene. Then, once we’re in the car, I’m like, “guess where you’re going when we get home? Straight to bed!” In public, the main thing you want is to just accomplish what you are there to do and get out with the least amount of embarrassment.

      • Mitch Buchanan Rocks! says:

        You make a good point – those people are at least trying to get out of there fast and are genuinely worn down by their kid – so one can have sympathy in this kind of situation.

        Having worked in retail the “parents” who really bothered me were the ones who acted like the store was a jungle jim – the kid would be running around screaming like christina aguilera opening packages while the “mother” or “father” would be on the cell phone and not paying any attention to their kid at all. Listening to this for eight hours as the parents come in (and where I worked there was a lot of parents who treated the store like a mcdonalds play centre jungle jim) could very challenging for the employees at times.

        I don’t have children and don’t want any but my mother – God rest her soul – could bring the brood of us to the store and we would behave because otherwise we would be discliplined – she would not allow us to run around and scream and we knew that if we did we’d be discliplined and would not be coming along next time.

        The lazy parents give the tired ones who are genuinely trying a bad rep so you’re point is very good.

      • MrsNix says:

        Jill,

        God bless you…sincerely…for understanding this. When my husband was deployed the year our daughter was three, it was the WORST time to be single-momming it. I avoided going to the store as often as I could, but when we ran out of tampons or toilet paper or bread…I HAD to go, and those were the times I couldn’t just walk out of the store when she decided to pitch a fit over not being allowed to play with a bottle of Tabasco sauce or get a bag of candy from the tantrum aisle–I mean the cashier line.

        I had to be there. On those days, I did the very best I could to get in, get what I needed, and get out as fast as possible.

        Thank you SO MUCH for being empathetic enough and kind enough to see what that woman was doing and understand. Oh, I would’ve given anything for people like you that year. It was mortifying.

  9. Mel says:

    Cannot stand her or her politics – but she has a point here. ****grudging nods head ****

    • RTR_Girl says:

      Yeah, I am not a fan of her or her politics, either, but I agree with her on this one. Until you actually become a parent, you can’t fully appreciate how hard it is. I definitely am more sympathetic now!

  10. NYC_girl says:

    I judge mothers I see who let their kids drink soda and eat cookies and candy (esp in the AM), and who let them sleep in the stroller with their head falling to one side and their little neck twisted. The first thing makes me sad, and the second makes me cringe. Sorry, ladies.

    Peter is hot, especially in Shattered Glass.

    • Len says:

      So if your kid fell asleep in the stroller, you would do what exactly?

    • MrsNix says:

      No…you wouldn’t force the child to use a neck roll and you wouldn’t put a towel or blanket under there for support. I know this because it irritated me to NO END when my daughter would fall asleep with her head like that. I tried everything imaginable to keep her from doing it.

      When she fell asleep like that, I would try to put a rolled cloth or blanket under her neck for support. She would immediately wake up, angrily remove said blanket or cloth, and promptly go back to sleep with her neck in an awkward position.

      I thought the neck roll pillow was another genius solution and got two different kinds. If your child likes them…I’m sure they’re great. If they don’t like them, they will scream bloody murder until you remove the offending pillow..and then promptly go back to sleep with their neck the aforementioned and much lamented awkward position.

      Judging that particular thing…is probably in the top 10 dumbest things I’ve heard mothers judged for. I congratulate your friend on her child who likes the neck roll. I would have given anything, at the time, for my daughter to like hers. In the end, it isn’t about what the adult likes. It’s about how the kid wants to sleep.

      • Len says:

        I’m just really surprised one would ‘cringe’ over this. I have never given it even one second of thought, my kids neck not being supported during a little nap in the stroller. Lord.

      • Karma says:

        Would’ve never thought neck pillows was something to judge either. Most babies I’ve seen react the same way your daughter did.

        Get that hot thing off my neck…I’m sleeping!

      • NYC_girl says:

        @Len – yes, it makes me cringe. It doesn’t mean it makes sense, and I would never go up to a parent and say anything to them if their kid’s neck is twisted. Ladies, I’m not saying to wake the child up and prop a pillow under his or her head. I don’t have kids, but I’ve been told many times if the kid is sleeping in the stroller, you let him/her sleep. My sister would wake up her young son at night to give him a bath. I thought that was odd, but it’s her kid and I kept my mouth shut. I see so many sleeping kids with their neck twisted or really bent to one side, and I think it looks really painful and possibly avoidable. Don’t get me started on the food issue though; it’s not healthy to give a toddler a of soda in the morning and it’s upsetting how many times I see it.

  11. Samigirl says:

    It kills me how judgmental mothers are over each other. The hot button topics (erf/ff, breast feeding vs nursing, circ/non circ), I have literally seen end friendships. I just feel like, we are all in this together and the vast majority of us really are doing the best we can. What happened to sisterhood?

    • Jill says:

      That’s the truth: “we’re doing the best we can.” You know what? Some mothers are better than me: more patient, better listeners, etc… But, I’m just doing my best.

    • Seagulls says:

      Well, I don’t like to let my son play with children whose parents don’t vaccinate, but that’s as much because their “choice” can directly impact our lives. Otherwise I have an opinion on many things (who doesn’t?) but I don’t share them. No one cares!

  12. Jennifer12 says:

    She’s a liberal New Yorker; you don’t get more judgmental than that. I speak from experience.

  13. shannon says:

    I see her point, once you have kids and realize how scary and crazy parenting can be, you tend to stop the judgment. I know I did. I had my first son one month before my 19th birthday, so I was basically just winging it.

    My judgments come as: don’t physically abuse a child, EVER; don’t emotionally abuse a child EVER (not talking about ‘wth were you thinking’ at a teenager who did something crazy, but constantly saying, ‘you’re stupid, you’re fat, you’re lazy, I wish I’d never had you’ etc); YOU support the child, not the other way around.

    Otherwise, I don’t judge at all. Feed your kid beefaroni, let them have some soda at dinner if it makes life easier for everyone in the house, go outside for a smoke when they’re about to drive you batsh!t insane, whatever. That’s how real parents live, and kids know when they’re loved and cared for. In the end, that’s the huge thing that makes a difference.

    ***steps down from soapbox***

  14. embertine says:

    There are people who negatively judge mothers for using a cellphone in the presence of their children? What? Wow, I’m a judgy child-hater but even I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at that.

    Let your kids run round screaming and breaking stuff, however, and I will judge the CRAP out of you. 😉

    • stinky says:

      i like it when the happy family exits the restaurant leaving a shit-mess all over the floor… in that ever-oblivious way. (just yesterday, as a matter of fact) nice.

      • Isa says:

        They must have never been a waitress. Last week my aunt took me and the kids out to dinner. My baby eats table food but he’s pretty horrible about it. I was crawling around on the floor picking up beans.

  15. Gwen says:

    I’ve grown to like her a lot 😀

  16. Just U says:

    I have 2 daughters who I am pleased to say are very well behaved and easy going but I have to say sometimes I judge. I try not to. I know not everybody has it as easy as me and that a kid having a bad day doesn’t make women bad mothers.
    I was in a big shopping centre in London one day (on holiday). There was a kid about 3 years old screaming and shouting and running amok. His poor mother was at her wits end. She tried everything to pacify him. Meanwhile every other woman in the place were shaking their head and sighing loudly.
    Then the kid hit his mother. She was red faced and embarrassed and lost her temper. She let a roar and forced him into the buggy.
    All the same women who were sighing and wanting her to do something starting shouting at her and threatening to call the police!!
    She was upset but just said that her kid wasn’t going to end up in prison or worse because she didn’t discipline him.
    I went over and asked if she needed some help and maybe go for a cuppa. She nearly started crying that someone was on her side. She said that her kid wasn’t usually like that but he was upset and carrying on.
    I don’t know what the other women wanted her to do. Let him carry on and they tut and judge, discipline and they threaten. A bit of solidarity would have helped s

    • shannon says:

      Very kind of you to do that 🙂 that’s what many frustrated mothers of toddlers need. He hit her and she ‘forced’ him into a stroller? Big deal, good on you for being kind to her. It’s certainly not easy to be in charge of one so young he cannot talk, or understand much of what you’re saying, but old enough to hit and scratch.

    • Karma says:

      That was very kind of you to be so empathic of her situation and offer a hand. And like you said, what exactly was she supposed to do?

      I have never been in such a stark position of all against one, but I have had parents apologize for their kid’s behavior and my response is always. No problem, they’re just being a kid.

      However, the genuine relief on their faces shows how often people do judge for even minor things. Since many of those kids weren’t even close to crying or pitching a fit. They were just being happy, loud, and excited to be in a store.

      And besides, who hasn’t seen a kid try and use tears to their benefit? 😉

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gk-OfmmRaqs

      Without a doubt, that mother will remember your kindness and compassion for years to come.

  17. Happymom says:

    I totally agree with her. And the older my kids get, the less judgey I become. You have no idea what goes on. I do have one holdout: the people at my kids’ school (who are affluent and educated and have to know better) who pack their kids’ lunches with those disgusting “Lunchables”.

    • shannon says:

      Gah, have to disagree. When my first son (now 17) was in grade school, he was extremely picky and lunchables was all he wanted. He wanted the crackers, the meat, the cheese, the drink and the tiny dessert. And yes, I am educated, intelligent … but sometimes it comes down to what your kid will eat and the time you have on hand.

      I was a police reporter for a local newspaper, also covering other beats whenever asked, and wasn’t able to afford hiring someone else to pack his lunches. Also, I didn’t like sending him to school with lunch money for a lunch he wouldn’t eat. Hence: lunchables. Amazingly, he’s still alive, healthy, and taking all honors classes, so he survived my neglect … just sayin’

    • MrsNix says:

      I don’t judge other mothers for their food choices with kids. I truly don’t. The only exception to this is the sight of an obese child with full-sugar soda and adult portions of food. That makes me ANGRY. That doesn’t make me feel judgy…that makes me see red. Ruining your child’s health and life because you’re too weak to tell him/her no. Other than that, I don’t judge moms for chips or soda or candy…or Lunchables…or any of that. Honestly.

      In my house, however (and I get judged for this all the time and don’t care a whit), the kid eats what the kid is given. We don’t give her things we know she hates, but we refuse to cater to little food terrorists, either. If she doesn’t want to eat what she’s given, she doesn’t eat. No yelling, no fighting, no drama…just let her be excused from the table. You know what? She’s never gone more than two meals without eating, and she grew into a child who is adventurous at meal time and rarely rejects a meal anymore. Kids never voluntarily starve themselves, and the idea that if a kid skips a meal or two he’s going to die or be damaged in some way is ridiculous. They don’t want to eat the broccoli? Fine. I don’t give him mashed potatoes instead…or even green beans. You eat what mama gives you.

      That said, like Shannon, I understand the frustration of a kid who won’t eat what’s given, and I also understand the punitive judgement and itchy CPS-trigger at public schools. If the kid doesn’t eat his lunch, the teacher is likely to become the food monitor and make Shannon’s life hell. This is why…I don’t judge. We have no idea what criteria other mothers use to make their choices. We do the best we can with what we have on OUR plates. I believe we do that better when we leave other people’s plates the hell alone.

      • Just U says:

        That is exactly how I raise my daughters. I make one dinner every day. They eat it. That’s it. My youngest used to try being fussy but we soon rid her of that. She doesnt like peppers or tomatoes so I use a blender and make sauce instead. Simple.
        I am the eldest of 8 children and I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s. We didn’t have a say in what was bought and paid for by my parents and we sure as hell didn’t have a say in what my mother made at mealtimes.

      • telesma says:

        This is how we did things as well. I did make an effort to have something on the table that everyone liked at mealtime, whether it was the main or a side, but I was no short order cook. Both of my kids are in college now, and they are both good eaters. Even my “picky” girl with the sensory issues is a fairly adventurous eater, especially compared to her friends and cousins. She’s learning to cook Thai food now.

  18. Adrien says:

    Peter is so creepy. Deliciously creepy.

  19. Lindsey says:

    TOTALLY off topic, but…the sunglasses I like them. I want them.

  20. TG says:

    I love Maggie!!!! She is my favorite actor and I will watch anything she is in. She is one of those who are just fascinating to watch. She is intelligent and thoughtful and she brings that to the screen. I think all of this makes her really beautiful to me more so than those fake spray-tanned, fake body parts, unoriginal cookie cutter actresses out there. I also saw her geneological history on Roots and think her history is cool. Makes me want to learn mine. I think everyone has a unique history. The sad part is if you weren’t royalty or of some social significance your history was likel not even recorded.

    And I have a 20-month old and I understand a lot more now but I would say I am judgey too, at least about some things. Like I never realized how many parents are so lazy and do not prioritize their children. My co-workers are constantly plannning vacations and trips and outings and none of these include their little ones. I think that is sad.

  21. Cletus says:

    Okay, look- I don’t care how you (that’s a general you, not pointed to anyone on particular) raise your kids as long as your kids don’t encroach on me or my sense of well-being and/or serenity. I am a mother, myself… when my kid has a tantrum, I REMOVE HER FROM THE PUBLIC. You know why? because f–k the both of us, that’;s why. We don’t have the right to fuck up YOUR day because MY kid is being bad. She fucks around at a restaurant, we leave. Punishment ensues. She f–ks around at the mall, I drag hher bodily to the car, punishment ensues. I have had to leave a cart full of groceries in the store because my daughter had to have a fit, and guess what we had for dinner that night? F–king cereal, some crackers, and some mushy peaches I found way in the back of the fridge, and when she whined that she didnt want that for dinner, I told her if she hadnt been a TOTAL ASSHOLE at the store then I could have finished shopping and we could have had a decent dinner. Instead, SINCE SHE ROONT IT FOR EVERYONE, she better eat those mushy peaches or else go to bed. Then her dad and I ordered pizza and we ate it and it was good and we didn’t let her have any because fuck that kid- actions have consequences. My point, and I do have one, is that as long as YOUR kid doesn’t f–k with me the way I refuse to let MY kid f–k with you, I don’t give a f–k all day how you parent. The End.

    • Mich says:

      Amen. As a mother I feel exactly the same way. When my boys were younger, rotten behavior in public earned one warning and then 10 pushups on the spot. If that didn’t do the trick (rare – amazing what a few pushups can accomplish!) we were out of there.

      I totally judge parents who shirk the “parenting” part of the job. My theory has always been that I’m not raising a “child”, I’m raising a future adult.

      • M says:

        As a mom of 4 AND someone with a master’s in early childhood, I find uneducated (and obviously proud of it) people like you disgusting. You’re darn right I’m going to judge someone who calls their child an “a–hole”! There are tons of other ways to discipline. Do you realized how effed up it is to speak to a kid that way? And forcing almost-rotten food on them? Glad you’re so proud of being WT! Just wait until your child is older and they really rebel. It’s not about being your child’s friend, either–that’s not what I’m saying you should do. Emotional abuse is still abuse, which is exactly what you’re doing. And your kid is NEVER going to forget that–at least, not for the reasons you think/hope!

      • M says:

        As a mom of 4 AND someone with a master’s in early childhood, I find uneducated (and obviously proud of it) people like you disgusting. You’re darn right I’m going to judge someone who calls their child an “—hole”! There are tons of other ways to discipline. Do you realized how effed up it is to speak to a kid that way? And forcing almost-rotten food on them? Glad you’re so proud of being WT! Just wait until your child is older and they really rebel. It’s not about being your child’s friend, either–that’s not what I’m saying you should do. Emotional abuse is still abuse, which is exactly what you’re doing. And your kid is NEVER going to forget that–at least, not for the reasons you think/hope!

    • Leaf says:

      Oh my god. This is truly amazing. I wish more people would adopt this parenting approach.

    • MrsNix says:

      +1 I think I’m in love with you a little bit, too. 🙂

      We have always been this way. I, too, have walked away from full carts of groceries to deal with bad behavior…from toddlerhood. I have walked out of a restaurant before I was done eating because of bad behavior.

      I do these things because I’m a parent who takes my responsibility seriously. I honestly don’t do these things primarily for the people around me (though they are certainly part of the reason). I do it because part of my job as a mother is to make my kid understand that bad behavior has consequences.

      A LOT of mothers out there parent this way and believe this way, but in the 60 seconds it requires to get out of the store, we get judged by about 1000 people. That’s why I’m not doing it primarily for them. I’m doing it for my daughter.

    • Just U says:

      Abso-fecking-lutely!! When you have this approach, which I do, you really only have to do it once or twice and the kid should know. I have it down to a look now. If the kids get ‘the look’ they know they are pushing it and stop.
      I am sometimes called strict and hard but my daughters are polite, kind, well mannered and pleasant. I can bring them anywhere with anyone and they will behave because I put the work in when they were small. I don’t want to be their friend, I am their mother. They know what’s expected and because of that we have fun without tantrums and bad feelings and tension.
      But as I said I put in the hard work early on and I am consistant.

    • mimi says:

      You call your child an “A-hole”, you let her watch you and your husband eat Pizza in front of her and you won’t let her eat it?

      I can’t imagine why your child might have so much frustration building up and I’m sure that is a very “effective” way to deal with tantrums.

      The only reason people here cheer is because you leave the restaurant and try not to bother the public so much.
      The way you treat your child is a totally different story.

    • Ukedelic says:

      Bless you Cletus, Bless you!

      If more parents would teach responsibility and accountability as convincingly as they teach self esteem and unique snowflakeyness to their progeny the world would be a much better place

      And Mrs. Nix…bravo! My mother did that when I was growing up and now I’ll eat about anything. Not Durian Fruit but almost anything!

    • telesma says:

      This, too. My kids knew that I meant what I said, and they knew that if I said we would leave, we would. It only had to happen once. Having them believe you when you tell them something is probably half the battle.

      I was good about explaining to them exactly what I expected of them before we went into any public place, and what would happen if they did X, Y, or Z. The reminders helped. I was also good about rewarding good behavior. Not necessarily with treats, but maybe a trip to the park or a few rounds of a favorite game or whatever. “Okay, if we get this done and you’re good, we can _____.” I think that helped, too, and as they got older it wasn’t necessary.

      I do seriously hope you don’t use that kind of language with your child, though.

    • LeslieM says:

      I judge parents who curse in front of their children or not. A mother should develop grace and maturity and the ability to express her feeling and ideas appropriately. I only let our son watch the wonderful character building shows on PBS until he was in first grade and he is kind, thoughtful and extremely smart. If they watch cartoons with kids behaving badly they will mimic that behavior.

  22. Cletus says:

    Also, if you just want to have a nanny, go for it. I would personally rather have a maid, because holy god my fridge is gross and I would make her clean that sh-t out. With hazard pay, of course.

    • MrsNix says:

      Exactly. I hired a housekeeper to help me because I want to raise my kid. I found that I was spending my entire life up to my eyeballs in laundry and house chores, so instead of hiring a nanny to raise my child while I cleaned the house, I chose to flip it and hire someone to clean the house while I raised my kid.

      Like I have said in other places on this, though, I don’t judge nanny holders, maid holders, or daycare users or moms who work. We’re all different people, and we don’t know what information other mothers use to base their decisions on. If your kid is given enough to eat, has access to education, and gets affection and acceptance from his/her family…you are a-okay in my book.

    • Isa says:

      YES! I’d rather have someone clean than a nanny. Cleaning sucks. Kids are fun. Most of the time.

  23. Samantha says:

    When have any actors hidden that they’re politically liberal?

  24. stinky says:

    im gonna barf. gotta jump to a different post….signed, non-breeding-hater!

  25. Justyna says:

    I’m not a mom but I’m taking care of my sister’s 2 kids because she’s always at work and I’m finishing my degree and have very flexible hours with lots of researching and wriiting at home, so they are almost all day long with me. I know it’s hard and I know I shouldn’t judge in most cases but I still judge some women when they are visibly terrible at their job. Like my neighbour who feeds her daughter nothing but fast food and sweets and the girl already looks morbidly obese at the age of 3 or the one I met yesterday – her 8-9 year old son who was walking in front of me was giving me the middle finger and mocking me. She didn’t say anything. When he pushed my nephew I asked her to do something so she told him to stop. He replied “Go F#@k Yourself”, so she slapped him across the face and I won’t write her next words because I would have to censor almost ever single one and that was a very long sentence. I can’t judge the kid because he was obviously doing what he learned from his mother.

  26. mimi says:

    As if MOTHERS do not judge other mothers all the time.

    Especially mother whose children are quiet and eat and sleep well and “assume” that if your child is not like their “perfect” child, then its your fault.

    • MrsNix says:

      I know!!! As the parent of a hard-headed, fiercely independent child with a defiant streak the size of Texas, I know exactly what you mean.

      On the rare occasions when I have been stopped by someone while trying to deal with my daughter’s bad behavior and insulted or condescended to, I simply look up at the judgy bitch who decided to butt in and say, “Congratulations on your compliant child; please go away now and let me parent my willful one.”

  27. Fabgrrl says:

    You just gotta love the non-parents and their advice. Once it made me angry, now I just find it cute. One childless person felt the need to comment that 6 month olds can be potty trained when I was proudly crowing about my 14 month old using the potty. Those types can kindly STFU.

    • Becky1 says:

      As a non-parent, I would never, ever dream of giving anyone parenting advice. I’m sorry that there are child free people out there who do that-I can see where that would be really annoying.

      On the other hand, a neighbor of mine has felt free to tell me that I have to have kids, that if I don’t I’ll regret it, etc. She knows very little about me or my reasons (which are somewhat significant) for not having children. The bottom line is that people need to keep their opinions to themselves. Sure, we all have thoughts and we all judge but unless someone is being abusive people need to keep their mouths shut. Unsolicited advice tends to be very irritating.

      • MrsNix says:

        Exactly. I absolutely NEVER tell people they “should” or should not have kids. The procreation habits of others are not my business, and there are as many reasons for being without children as there are people who choose not to/are unable to have them.

        Bottom line: If someone has dangerously obese kids (I’m not talking about chubby) or kids with no supervision…I will judge the hell out of them…out loud and in public. If not, I just figure it’s none of my business.

  28. JessSaysNo says:

    Pretty funny that she is talking about judging other moms when her kid is in a crotch dangler… Get that baby an Ergo or Beco seriously…

  29. blouson says:

    Its not a sisterhood, its motherhood. You bet I judge because making judgements is how you make informed decisions about your own parenting. Its part of life. I have opinions on politics and I have opinions on parenting. But this is balanced with empathy towards others and an awareness that my way is not the only way. Kids help with this because you fail so many times to live up to your own ideals, and also realise that your ideals don’t always map perfectly onto one or more of your children. So its a process, I think I understand what Maggie is saying.

  30. ToastedSkin says:

    they’re a cute couple. her daughter looks a LOT like her, “mini-her” is quite right.

  31. claire says:

    I never really liked children, swore I wouldn’t have one, and always said, “My child would never act like that” when i saw insufferable brats in the store or on planes. Then I had one – and she rarely did act like that – always sweet and respectful. Now that she’s 15 I’m getting my payback. She’s a pain in the a** and the sweet moments are few and far between. I have another 5-10 years before she turns the corner so I hear. We have a really close relationship but I’m her punching bag these days even though she tells me everything. It honestly bites 🙁

  32. Lucy says:

    She looks way older than 34 and if she’s less insufferable than before her first child was born then she must have been a real cvnt.

  33. Persephone says:

    I will shamefully admit that I was a judgy non-mom and then I was a judgy mom of one. I couldn’t stand seeing out of control screaming children in the store/restaurant/etc… and then parents doing nothing (IMO), it drove me insane! My first daughter is very calm, had maybe 3 tantrums in her life and all were in the terrible two’s. Then came beautiful daughter number two… and see she is “special needs” basically she’s on the autism spectrum, specifically she has a sensory processing disorder. At 5 years old she’s brilliantly smart, funny, kind, charming, but also, unfortunately, has the frustration level of a 2 year old. It’s always the “terrible 2’s” for my sweet girl. Of course she’s in occupational therapy and such, and of course the hope is she will develop better coping skills as she grows, but for now, tantrums happen and they happen often. I can’t always leave the store, the dentist, the BOAT RIDE we were on recently and the dirty looks that I get used to be enough to bring me to tears. As she’s gotten older though I’ve had to develop a thicker skin and say screw it to the mean looks and loud judging sighs.

    Basically I just wanted to say this (if you’ve taken the time to read this far, thank you!) my beautiful girl looks perfectly “normal” but she has issues and those issues can be so incredibly stressful that some days I just want to run away. It’s not fun, nor is it easy by any means to have a child with this disorder so if me writing this even changes one person’s opinion on the possibility that a screaming, out of control child may actually be special needs and not lazy parenting, well that would be just awesome.

    Oh and by the way I do realize that some parents are just damn lazy LOL!

    • Mitch Buchanan Rocks! says:

      This has been one of the more interesting discussions and glad I came back for more commentary 🙂 Thanks for your insightful post and for sharing your situation. When encountering this from now on, will make an effort to see that the screaming could be beyond the parents control, not just lazy parenting.

    • Just U says:

      You sound like a wonderful mother. I have a special needs brother and sister so I know how stressful family life can be in that situation.
      Keep up the good work.x

  34. curegirl0421 says:

    Just chiming in with my two cents… I am a totally judgey parent – but I keep it to myself unless something seems really harmful (your child is going to fall into that alligator pen) or I’m asked for my opinion (no your child doesn’t have to eat organic but for god’s sake stop with the soda, do you know what it does to growing bones & grown bones too??).

    The only time I really judge in an obvious way is the movies, and the questionable parenting therein. Just because it’s animated doesn’t make it child-friendly. Just because it has “Harry Potter” in the title doesn’t mean your 7-year-old should be there – PG13 means it’s probably kind of old for him/her. For that matter, just because the guy from Harry Potter is in it and it’s got “funny clothes” you should not assume you should take your 10 year old – true story, “The Woman In Black” featured not one but 3 kids under the age of 8 who are now scarred for life.

    Worse than that are the parents who take their kids to inappropriate movies because “they can’t get a sitter” or “how else will I see it.” You will wait until it’s out on DVD you selfish asshole! Why would you take your 3 year old to see “Paranormal Activity”?? True story again. It boggles the mind. Of course I blame the theatres, too…they shouldn’t be selling tickets to parents with children for movies that are obviously not for kids.

    • LeslieM says:

      I can’t believe parents would take young children to those movies. Not being able to avoid a baby sitter is no excuse. Being a parent mean putting your child before yourself and making sure your choices are best for your children. Does that mean you can’t leave them playing in a playpen while you try to get some sleep? Of course not! Try your best to teach your children to behave properly in public. When we went out to eat with our son and he misbehaved my husband would take him to the car and scold him and let me finish my dinner. He learned quickly that that was not fun. Now people complement us all the time on how well behaved he is in public. Still I remember him as an infant crying for an entire flight. One grandmother kept giving me knowing smiles while everyone else glared!

    • Shoe_lover says:

      Some kids will still see inappropriate movies on DVD. My cousin and her husband don’t seem to understand the ratings system. I was once out with their daughter when she was 5 or 6 (I’m 13 years older than her but we are super close) and we were in a video shop and she saw the cover of Jeepers Creepers and started crying and shaking just from seeing the cover. She clung to me for hours. Her parents had wanted to watch it and didn’t wait for her to go to bed, they just let her watch it with them. needless to say she was terrified by that movie. Heck even I was disturbed by that movie and I have seen a lot of horror movies and I don’t mean torture p*rn sh!t like Saw and Hostel either- I mean proper stuff like the original Halloween series etc. heck I was an awfully mature child and saw Aliens and Terminator when I was 8 and it didn’t bother me. I was more interested in how they achieved certain parts of it. Although Scream did scare me but I was 12 and I wasn’t supposed to watch it- I was at a slumber party and my parents had been assured we wouldn’t watch it or I know what you did Last Summer (both just released on video) but that was BS.

      Oh- her parents even let her watch Kill Bill

  35. Sandy says:

    I used to be one of those women who judged when I saw screaming kids in the supermarket. I now have a autistic 3 year old who gets overwhelmed in public places and loses the plot as well as other anti-social behaviour . I judge no more… Karma is a b!tch.