Lindsay Lohan is now available for private parties, weddings & Bar Mitzvahs

Last week we got a question from one of you, our gentle, delicate readers. The question was basically “Do you think Lindsay’s newest team of cracked-out crisis-managers has already dumped her dumb, violent ass?” My thought is… NO. No, Lindsay’s new team hasn’t abandoned her… yet. Because there is still money to be made off her, and because you can tell when Lindsay is being “managed” because she manages to keep her mouth shut. Meaning she hasn’t issued any statements or anything, she hasn’t called into TMZ (haha… she’s totally called into TMZ, but they just say they’re getting their info from a “source close to Lohan”). As for the money… well, if I was managing her, I think I would have gotten to a point where it’s just like, “You can’t get blood out of a crack stone.” But her team is trying! They’re putting Lindsay out there as some sort of for-hire party entertainment. No, not prostitution. Like, she’s the new version of a budget bar mitzvah “entertainer” or a birthday clown.

Facing money woes, a staggering tax bill and alleged delinquency on her storage locker full of personal possessions, is Lindsay Lohan’s scrambling to make some cash?

A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.

Page Six received an email pitch from 123Talent with the subject line “Book One of Hollywood’s Biggest Movie Stars Lindsay Lohan Now!” offering us the opportunity to request the presence of Lohan herself at whatever event or venue.

In bright pink lettering, the email reminds us that “Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist.” Perhaps adding “Jail Bait” didn’t have much of a ring to it.

The email, which also includes a hastily photoshopped composite of the star (see photo), goes on to list all of Lohan’s film and television stints — even ones we’d rather forget — from “The Parent Trap” to “I Know Who Killed Me,” from “Life Size” to “Liz & Dick.”

We’ve reached out to Lohan’s rep and have not received an immediate response on the authenticity of the email.

Lohan hasn’t had the greatest month. She’s had her probation recently revoked and on top of her frozen bank accounts for failing to pay $233K of back taxes, Lohan reportedly faces losing designer clothes and family heirlooms stored in her private locker after allegedly falling behind on payments.

It’s been reported that if Lohan can’t cough up with dough, her belongings might face the auction block later this month.

[From Page Six]

Well, all this proves is that A) the IRS really did freeze her accounts and B) her managers are going to get PAID come hell or high water. They’re going to make her work, even if they’re just taking 15% of $1000 Bar Mitzvah gigs. I can only imagine that Lindsay has already pissed off her team significantly, don’t you?

But seriously, imagine that your company hires Lindsay Lohan as the Christmas party “entertainment”. What would you do? Would you pour her a drink and chant “DANCE DANCE DANCE!!” Would you expect her to give handies to all of the dudes (and some of the ladies too, I guess)? And would you pay extra for that authentic Cracken experience of having the bitch smack you in the face? How much does that cost?

Oh… I just saw that Lindsay denied this story to TMZ. But look at how they’re reporting it:

A North Carolina company called 123 Talent recently sent out mass emails, offering to book Lindsay for personal appearances, weddings, and Bar Mitzvahs.

A booking fee isn’t listed on the message — but Lindsay’s film credits are … “The Parent Trap,” “I Know Who Killed Me,” and that creepy Disney movie with Tyra Banks called “Life-Size.”

And now, Lindsay’s pissed — insisting her career hasn’t sunk so low that she’d be forced to do anything like a Bar Mitzvah or a wedding … not yet anyway.

What’s more — sources close to the actress tell us, Lindsay NEVER signed a deal with 123 Talent and never agreed to let them represent her in any way … so the email is totally bogus.

The CEO of 123 Talent — which still claims to represent Lindsay on its website — tells us, the pitch was NOT bogus but Lindsay’s team has since “decided to go in another direction.”

The CEO added, “Unfortunately, we are not working with Lindsay Lohan.”

[From TMZ]

Yikes. So… did Lindsay’s management team try to pimp her out to private parties for some quick $$$ but then Lindsay found out about it and she threw a crack hissy fit? That’s what it seems like.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

 

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70 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan is now available for private parties, weddings & Bar Mitzvahs”

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  1. Amelia says:

    “Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist.”
    Dafuq?
    Since when has Crackie been a fashion designer?
    MOVE THAT COUTURE, I’M LINDSAY LOHAN.

  2. SolitaryAngel says:

    OMG. I can imagine LoHan at a wedding where she:
    gets drunk
    gives the groom a handie
    punches the bride in the face
    makes off with the wedding gifts
    What lunatic would want her anywhere NEAR a wedding?!?!

    • RocketMerry says:

      Also in her repertoire:
      1. snorting cake crumbles: she’ll surprise you with her fast-as-lightning nostrils.
      2. aimlessly wandering around the room throwing drinks on guests and yelling: she’ll wow you with her impressive vocabulary.
      3. screeching out: “I’m bored! I’m so bored!” in the middle of the reception: perfect for the happy couple’s first dance!
      4. watch your beloved heirlooms and jewelry disapper in this crafty hustler’s… “hands”!
      5. wanna know more? Book her with an advance of thousands of dollars! Lindsay will grant you a “special” surprise by going awol with your money… and never be seen again!

      And for just a few more dollah, she’ll drive the happy couple from church to reception to hotel. Happy, drunken times!

      • Eleonor says:

        That would make a marriage interesting!

      • erika says:

        ha ha, you’re on FIRE rocketmerry!

        -throwing bird seed is no longer good for the environment, hire LL and you can blow COCAINE from the palm of your hand as the couple departs for their honeymoon! NO CLEANUP necessary (LL will snort up)

        -is your precious son turning 13? Hire LL and let your son dance the first dance of his Bat Mitzvah with LL! Free blowjob included in the price

        -Ahhh…memories. Remember playing ’60 seconds in Heaven’ at Jr High parties? Hire LL and you can play ’60 Seconds in HELL’: Just imagine being locked in a closet with the Cracken – ohhh what antics could ensue!

        -Spin the bottle? Only if it’s a FULL bottle of Vodka! Hire LL and play this harmlessly romantic game. Trust us, you’ll need to take a swig in anticipation of locking lips w/ the Cracken! Better be quick though, the Cracken just might chug it all before you get the chance! Ahhhh no!

    • stellalovejoydiver says:

      Even worse try to imagine laCracken at a bar mitzvah.

    • Lulu says:

      My thoughts exactly!! It’s an awful idea! Maybe she is just trying to show that she is attempting legit work of some kind??
      BTW, when the IRS puts a lien on your accounts, it is a one time thing. They take the assets in your accounts, but you have 45 days to work with them in order to work a deal for them to release them back (a payment plan or a settlement). In the meantime, she can still have money going into her accounts that they cannot touch.

      • jwoolman says:

        Yes, if all her cash in bank accounts are frozen- that suggests there isn’t enough to pay the debt. Otherwise she could get the excess unfrozen without too much trouble. If she had a single account with enough money to satisfy the debt, everything above that amount (old and new) would be accessible to her. If her money is scattered, she can still unfreeze parts if there is enough in certain accounts. Either she doesn’t have much money or it’s hidden in places she doesn’t dare tap at the moment, since the Feds are apparently looking carefully at any attempts to underreport or hide income. The IRS is what she really has to fear, unless she has been honestly reporting every penny earned including cash payments.

    • Sisi says:

      she would steal the wedding dress

    • BooBooLaRue says:

      Too frickn’ funny this!

    • Apples says:

      “Available for private parties, weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.”

      So, basically, anything with an open bar?

  3. brin says:

    Oy vey, who in their right mind would hire her? But I must say I love this…she went from playing Liz Taylor to birthday clown in one month!

  4. Becky says:

    Her latest pics, at some event, were so sad. She did look like the usual mess in terms of hair colour or skin shade or bloat, but the expression on her face… it was painful. Laney posted them.

  5. Dorothy says:

    Even she must be humiliated by this latest development.

  6. dcypher1 says:

    Who would want blohan at a bar mitvah to tramatize little kids and teach them how to smoke crack and look for someone to grift. Thats the last person u want around a bunch of kids.

  7. Skipper says:

    We should hire her to attend the first annual celebitchy readers conference.

  8. Boo says:

    “And would you pay extra for that authentic Cracken experience of having the bitch smack you in the face? How much does that cost?”

    Oh, this brought the joy to me on this gloomy day. Thank you.

    I think Lindsay’s people tried to sell her out to these private parties but the universal public recoil was greater than they expected, and so they were all like, no, never mind.

  9. Jennika says:

    Of course she’d go to bar mitzvahs! Think of all the presents and money she could steal from a 13 year old. MOVE THAT CHILD, I’M LINDSAY LOHAN!

  10. Boo says:

    Classic comment from one of the many gifted TMZ posters: “She doesn’t go to bar mitzvahs–she only goes to bars.”

  11. fabgrrl says:

    I think this idea could work. But they are doing it the wrong way. The talent agency needs to collect payment so that Lohan will not appear at your wedding or Bar Mitzvah. They should find all the upcoming special events in an area and threaten that she will show up unless the participants pay them off.

  12. Eleonor says:

    I don’t know if I must feel sorry, or laugh. I think she will accept the Charlie Sheen’s goddes project.

  13. Relli says:

    Move that cake, I’m LINDSAY LOHAN!

  14. LadyL says:

    I assume bachelor parties too???
    She gets invited- as a cautionary example to the kids of what can tragically wrong when you don’t get an education and consume drugs like oxygen.

  15. Elisabeth says:

    I am biding my time until she starts cleaning houses. then I will have the thrill of saying ‘That toilet ain’t gonna clean itself out Lilo”

  16. TheWendyNerd says:

    LOHAN BAR MITZVAH! SPOOKY SCARY! BOYS BECOMING MEN. MEN CONTRACTING HERPES.

  17. study-er says:

    there is a liquor ad (rum i think?) that’s running right now, but the unfortunate name of the rum is “Kraken” and I can’t help but laugh

  18. TheWendyNerd says:

    LOHAN BAR MITZVAH! SPOOKY! SCARY! BOYS BECOMING MEN! IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!

  19. Chordy says:

    One time in some friends and I were all wasted and decided we’d use our best skill sets and start a business where we were basically hired out to be the drunkest, most obnoxious people at weddings to take the heat off the wedding party. I’m guessing this is Lohan’s business model?

  20. TheWendyNerd says:

    Sorry, double post. iPhone acting weird.

  21. Newtsgal says:

    Hey…they usually have some pretty good food at bar mitzvahs maybe Liho can take Alli and get her some food……I can see DUIna there at the wet bar… in a drunkin stupor yelling at people as they walk by…..
    “You think your soooo special?…..You with your little kippah and your little torah!…..My Lindsay is more special than all of you and I’m soooo proud of her. Did I tell ya, I used to be a Rockette?”

  22. andy says:

    I would love to see her at a cow chip bingo event.

  23. Cathy says:

    They couldn’t pay me enough money to allow the crackenmonster to be at any event that I was involved in. I wouldn’t wish her on my worst enemy.

  24. Chickenlishus says:

    A shout out to the pink coat pics!!!

  25. skuddles says:

    Well of course this is bogus – Lilo does “private parties” alright but they don’t involve children and married couples, or blatant advertising. Room 23 anyone?

  26. Lady D says:

    Slightly OT here but, we all know everything the Cracken touches gets destroyed or is adversely affected right? Movies, clothing, prime-time interviews, stiffing car companies, ice-cream companies, blowing commitments off left and right, stealing, destroying the reps of detox centres, hotels, her victims etc. My question is, when is it going to be Shawn Holley’s turn? No-one has come out unscathed when dealing with her. I’m a little amazed she hasn’t destroyed Shawn’s career.

  27. Shelly says:

    I would totally hire her, let her get drunk/cracked/crazy, and sit back and watch. It would be epic. And if she got violent or tried to steal something, I would totally take her ass down.

  28. erika says:

    ********* LET’S HIRE LINDSAY************

    omg! idea: if we all banned togather sent like $10-20 bucks to Celebitchy, could we have a cyber party/Skype with LL?

    Bedhead, Kaiser – wherever you are! you could host! wouldn’t that be a dream! we could put it under the guise of…a ‘fan’ party then just BOMBARD her with questions!!!

    COme ON!

  29. Chrissie Malcolm says:

    Who does pull LL’s strings? I don’t think it can just be “The Anti-Mother” – she’s not intelligent enough. Whoever it is should be prosecuted. The whole LL circus is just sad and sickening.

  30. Kristin says:

    I still can’t get over how everyone keeps talking about her storage locker and how she’s in danger of losing “family heirlooms”. Riiiight. I’m sure they are family heirlooms,but someone else’s family, not hers. I seriously would love to get a look in that storage locker. Can you imagine how much stolen shit is in that thing? Hell, they’d probably find Jimmy Hoffa in there under a pile of “borrowed” designer clothes.

  31. ETYUH says:

    Word, Hollywood sold out and the actors did too. during these tough economical times they’re trying to cash in using low budget films with low quality actors, or great actors who sold out, of course there are those who need the money due to frivilous spending of what normal ppl consider a fourtune on things like drugs exspencive excesories, and poor over all managing of thier money, i just laugh when ever i hear of the downfall of another celebrity ultimatly due to thier own doing and failings LOL they had all that and messed it up. For example i’d hate to see what becomes of the next gerneration actors considering the current state of hollywood. I mean think about it, just like Lindsy Lohan and many others did, all thoes girls on kids net wrks like disney channle, and nick etc.. that the kids look up to will be featured between 2-10 yrs from now on national television with some kind of drug addiction rehab, stint, what have you. I swear its got to be somthing like 70-80% of actors and actresses taken from these kids net wrks and made into real actors have had some kind of break down, episode, drug overdoes, found with drugs, drugs found in them LOL, mean while the kids at home all look up to them beacuse thier on TV and want to emulate them. I understand they’re young all of a sudden they have alot of money and they want to ball out, but the term is (ball out) right not (fall out) LOL when your drug use money spnding etc.. starts effecting your career the very thing that supply’s you with that luxurious life style they love so much you’d think they’d get it under controll before it gets to bad, the press starts to notice things like how much wieght you’ve lost or those bags under your eye’s that they’re trying to hide LOL. I saw a recent picture of Lindsy Lohan on line with her comming out of a club or somthing and they must have caught her with no make up on or something!! cause she looked like a strait up CRACK HEAD I almost died laughing she is butt ugly in real life they doll her up for photo shoots and movies they can make anything these day’s, i would hate waking up to that in the moring HONEY GO TO THE BATHROOM AND PUT ON YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW I CAN’T LOOK AT YOU LIKE THAT hahahahaha LOL. i mean as a star you have to realise that your every move is subject to scrutiny by the press, and don’t be doing drugs to the extent where you look like a dam fool on national TV when it all comes out as it usually does even if it takes a while. All of the things i just talked about, do infact have an effect on movie quality, Hollwood now has all these failing, broke, and scandilized actor’s and actresses in need of money, left with a bad rep in Hoolywood and need to restart thier careers, not only to re-up on thier stash of drugs haha, but to pay off looming debts bilt up by thier frivilous life style and over expenditure of funds, being so niave as to think they could maintain spending money with no cociquenses, because at the end of the day no matter how famous you are, SOMEONS GOT TO PAY FOR ALL THAT SH@#!!! LOL. This makes them ready and willing to star in half assed/low quality movies in order to make some bucks and try to stage a come back LOL