Caroline Manzo is on Real Housewives of New Jersey, and it’s been a while since I watched just a handful of episodes, but I remember her as the “normal” one. She’s bold and brassy and she has a tight relationship with her husband and adult kids. She seemed sane compared to the other ones, especially Danielle Staub and Teresa Giudice. Staub has since been booted off and I guess Manzo started fighting with Giudice the last season, who is so awful and combative that you can’t blame her.
This story isn’t about Manzo so much as a somewhat controversial statement she made in an interview with In Touch. She’s been with her husband for 28 years, and from what I remember they come across as solid. She says that her husband hasn’t cheated, but that if he did, like hypothetically, she wouldn’t ditch him because of it. Manzo also claims that “No one on this planet could say with 100 percent certainty that their partner never cheated.” Damn! Caroline has a new book out, called Let Me Tell You Something, which is out next week.
In a revealing interview with In Touch, The Real Housewives of New Jersey star opens up about her views on marriage — and says that when it comes to her 28-year-marriage to husband Albert, she would never throw the towel in over one mistake.
“If Al cheated on me 25 years ago, one night, that was then and this is now,” she tells In Touch of a topic she writes about with brutal honesty in her new book, Let Me Tell You Something. “No one on this planet could say with 100 percent certainty that their partner never cheated. I have no indication that he has, but if it didn’t happen yesterday, last week, a month ago, I’m not worried about it.”
Caroline admits that the earlier years of her marriage were a struggle — having three children in three years and almost no money. “We could hardly afford diapers,” she says. “Those were tough times.” Caroline’s happy to have powered through those years but says that if Al did stray, she would understand and forgive.
“If your husband is a good guy and a provider and you have a tremendous connection, you can’t throw your marriage away over a one-night stand,” Caroline tells In Touch. “My husband is my best friend. Marriage is worth the fight. I would go to hell and back for him and he would do the same.”
For more, pick up this week’s issue of In Touch, on newsstands now!
That’s one way to look at it, and I like how she describes her marriage as a partnership. You get the impression that Manzo’s husband cheated on her at some point, they dealt with it, and she feels that it made them stronger. I think that once the trust is broken in a relationship it’s really difficult to earn it back. I don’t think it’s impossible, but it must be incredibly tough. Wouldn’t you always be wondering what your partner is up to after that, or would you just have to go on faith and trust them, even after they revealed to you that they can’t be trusted?
Plus, I don’t agree that no one knows with “100 percent certainty that their partner never cheated.” I think that’s what some people who’ve gone through it tell themselves “well, no one else is being faithful, either,” but that’s not true. I know couples that have been together longer than these two who haven’t cheated – that I know of. Maybe she has a point, you never know what goes on in someone else’s relationship, or sometimes even your own.
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Can’t stand her. She is so sanctimonious. Considering that her husband’s official address is at the brownstone and he spends a considerable about of time there, I’m pretty sure that he does cheat constantly.
Uma Thurman once made one of the best quotes ever :
“no one likes a know-it-all” 😉
I always say that too. What you dont know wont hurt you. If they made a mistake then so be it, you can get past it if you really want to. On the other hand if it becomes a habitual thing then yeah, kick him to the curb. But a momenary lapse Of judgement doesnt deserve throwing your relationship in the can.
agree 100%….
so what if your partner infects you with a STD? and you cant get treatment beacuse its too late because he didnt tell your right away?
Then that obviously becomes a completely different situation. Additional facts change the circumstances and you get to make different decisions because of it. We do need to lose this idea that everybody who cheats brings home an STD. It’s like it’s something they taught you in 6th grade health class to scare you.
Firstly, she didn’t say that everyone who cheats brings back an STD, nor did anything in her statement suggest that.
Secondly, people who cheat can bring back STD’s. That’s a fact and something that should not be dismissed. STD’s can have major consequences, as you well know, and the idea that everybody should take something like that lightly just because it sounds like something we learned in 6th grade Sex-Ed is absurd.
Besides, they teach children that for a reason: because it’s true! Just because every cheater doesn’t bring back an STD doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen enough for this to be an issue that can cause problems for not only the couple, but for the public at large. How do you think so many STD’s are spread? How do you think STD epidemics happen? A lot of the reasons for the spread of STD’s and STD epidemics are simple ones, like cheating and passing on STD’s or sleeping around.
That is not something to take lightly.
Std rates are incredibly high. HPV and herpes. And I’m going to bet the women willing to sleep with a married man are more likely to have an STD.
I meant to type “STDs”, not “STD’s”. Ignore all of those apostrophes, please.
If it were 20 years ago, or last week. A betrayal, is a betrayal. Some people bounce back and become a better unit, others can’t deal with it. But, I would think that it would be a painful thing no matter how many years it may have been. You can’t be with you partner 24/7, and if you feel like you need to be, then the relationship isn’t healthy anyway.
My husband and I have been married over seven years. I can guarantee that if I found out he had a one night stand in any of those years, it would be over. Vows people, vows. That’s just me though, so don’t be super mean. I take marriage seriously. He is my best friend, but him being a ho-lette would be the ULTIMATE violation, and I don’t think I am that big of a person to look away or forgive. Maybe ask me again at year 25…
Yes you can. I would. Once trust is broken, it’s incredibly hard to get back. SHE wouldn’t because it would mean losing her gravy train.
Yes. You can kick your marriage to the curb if he has sex with someone else. WTH? Trust is a foundational item. It affects every aspect of your marriage. Who in hell wants to be second guessing a cheater every time he has an appointment, an out of town meeting, gets a call on his phone and walks into another room etc?
Life is too short for that kind of BS. He cheated for a reason. By all means, get marriage counseling before you decide to ditch a marriage but that doesn’t mean you won’t walk away from the marriage. For many people, marriage counseling after a spouse cheated is a therapeutic form of closure and there is nothing wrong with that.
100% agree with you. Work on it if you want, leave if you want. Either way, it’s gonna be painful. I guess it depends on what you believe can be recovered/forgiven/saved…
Her “gravy train”? Caroline comes from money!
I technically agree with her statement. You can’t be 100% sure that someone hasn’t ever cheated. I mean, to my knowledge my guy has never cheated. I DO know that he hasn’t been in a situation where it would have been an easy thing to do, and I DO know that he is very much against cheating, and lying, and I DO know that he would never try to hurt me. We have a trusting relationship, and we love each other very much. I’m about as positive as a person can be that I have not been cheated on.
But I mean, nobody could say with absolute certainty that someone else will always do something, or never do something. We can’t control other people. We can’t see inside their heads. All we can do is do our best, and hope that everyone else does the same.
And it’s not really up to us to dictate how other people’s relationships work. Sometimes cheating is forgiven, sometimes it’s not. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different.
Very well said, and I totally agree, I do not believe my man has strayed, but, as you say, I am not with him 24/7, and am certainly not in his head.
I know I would be devastated if I found out he’d fallen off a curb into a v*dge at some point (isn’t that how it happens?) but I would also be devastated to throw away 15 years of a very good relationship over a really poor choice.
OK, attack me now.
8 years for me. I don’t think I could throw it away for that. But at the same time, I KNOW it’d be an incredible struggle to make it work.
Nothing to attack I am not going to throw away 20 yrs of a stable and loving marriage because of a lapse in judgement.
Not attacking. Working through it in my marriage, sadly enough.
you are right but can you be 100% sure your guy isnt an alien in a human body preparing an alien invasion? see, nothing is 100% sure (well death and taxes are, okay 🙂 ). thats why i dont understand that she brought this up.
I agree. He very well may be an alien in human body for all I know. But that’s what I’m saying. Nothing is certain. 🙂
I agree. When I was young and single, I said, “If my husband ever cheated, he’d be out the door in a heartbeat, no second chances!” Then, after I got married and had a child (now children), it’s not so simple. I’ve been married for almost 17 years and I do not think my husband has ever cheated on me. But if he did, I would not just walk away and neither would he if I cheated. You have history together and children and you made a commitment. The vows don’t say “for better or worse or until one of you breaks your vows.”
We promised to stick with one another through thick and thin, no matter what. That’s why it’s so important to marry someone worthy of that commitment.
Agreed. I mean, I hope he’d have enough sense to not do something so stupid. But at the same time, if I did something like that, I’d want to have a change to work things out. So it goes both ways. Thick and thin.
Exactly. Life is tough. Pick someone you respect and want to stick with, who respects you and tries to make things work. Sometime people fuck up. You have to make a judgment about when something is a mistake versus when there is a real rift that can’t be repaired. 7 years into my marriage (no kids) there’s no way I’d walk away over a one-night stand with no ongoing emotional involvement. Especially not if the husband was honest about what happened. Emotional affairs are harder to fix, I think. (For the record, I’m pretty confident hubby never cheated — the last thing he wants is ANOTHER woman in his life full of expectations!)
I don’t think what she’s saying is a bad thing and I don’t think it’s pointing at any bad behavior in their past. I have said the same thing. If something were to happen (and i really don’t believe it will), I would hope that I would want to try to work it out. I think that’s easier said than done and I don’t know how you get past it, but I do hope I’d be willing to give it a shot.
I don’t watch these shows but I do agree with her sentiment. We are human and being as such we are all capable of making horrible choices in life. I say good for them that in this day and age they have remained married for 28 years.
YES, I can.
I love Mama Manzo BUT, this is a ridiculous statement coming from her. I always got the impression she would put a hit out on Al if he cheated.
It seems to me, that it is always the WIFE saying this about the HUSBAND. I’m not saying women don’t cheat, but I don’t feel that there is as much forgiveness for them. I think the reasoning is that men can act out of lust, that they simply want sex and nothing else. But if a woman cheats, she is, supposedly, emotionally invested in someone other than her husband.
I agree. It does seem that the wife is always saying crap like this. What goes down in a relationship is between the two people. Nobody knows what’s going on between the two. But, it doesn’t happen to often when a wife picks out a random to just have sex. That is another difference between the genders. Women tend to be more emotionally invested in an affair. Again, everyone is different. But either way, it’s not good.
I think women are more likely to take back a cheating spouse. Personally I don’t believe in forgiving infidelity, if she/he does it once, she/he will do it again.
I had a bad experience with cheating. Working it out did not work for us. He kept cheating and it broke up our family. I can’t judge other people’s responses to cheating, but it blew my life up.
I agree. People give men such leeway. “It’s in their nature. They’re driven to plant their seed. Blah blah blah.”
I’d try to work things out with my husband but I doubt he would take me back if I cheated. That’s his choice though.
And I don’t believe that once a cheater always a cheater is true for everyone. I haven’t cheated but I have made mistakes that I will never make again.
I have to say that depends on the man. Perhaps in general women who cheat are given a worse social stigma than men.
Personally this is not my experience. My husband and I have been together for 12 beautiful years…pain can be beautiful too. When we got together, I was 18 and he was 19. We were each others entire lives. We were also very young.
Time went by, and eventually we both hurt one another. Of course there was pain, distrust, fighting and every other ugly thing you could think of. It took time, but we love one another – we worked through it. Obviously, not every relationship will work this way.
However, if two people decide to work through their pain and that being together is what they want, then forgiveness is essential. No bringing it up down the line, no holding it against them secretly…these things only fester and cause even more harm than the initial misdeed. Once your forgive you don’t forget…the trust is rebuilt and things are never the same. But if you’re lucky, and you work on yourself and your relationship you will end up in a better place than you ever were before.
I think no one can say with 100% certainty that either their partner OR themselfs would not cheat over the course of a 25 year long marriage.
I agree with her, 25 years is a long time, we all do stupid things every now and then. 25 years of marriage is also something to be proud of, you just don’t throw that away over a fling or a one night stand.
that’s a deal breaker for BOTH of us. 😯
what, my vagine ain’t good enough? you wanna delve into lesser snatches…then have at it.
i won’t stop you & i won’t stand for it. 🙄
deuces.
+1, my own exact response
I love everything about your comment, especially “delve into lesser snatches”. Comedy gold!!!
yeah, but i will regardless. i have a zero tolerance policy with that. i’ve seen it happen with too many people i know. they forgive and think things are going to get better and they’re just left being miserable wondering the rest of their lives.
I agree. My husband cheated on me while we were dating and I didnt find out about it until last year when going through his myspace emails to find an old friends phone number. We had only been togethrr 2 months at that point and it was a drunken one night stand while on spring break freshman year. I sulked for days but we got over it. It didnt hurt that the message I saw was him telling the girl what happened was a mistake and made him realize he was in love with someone else so he didnt want to talk to her again.
I haven’t watched the show but she sounds sane.
Not every woman sees fidelity as the most important point in a relationship.
While I’m not a fan of “open
relationship” I don’t think I#ll kill my husband over one-night-stand. Provided it’s ONE night and not one-year-long-stand or occasional one-night-stand.
Everybody makes mistakes and there will be times I’ll need his forgiveness too.
My adolescence took place during the dawn of AIDS. I’m not letting anyone play Russian roulette with my health. I always considered the emotional betrayal as the larger part of the hurt, but I’m not going to die for someone’s dalliance or one night stand. I’d have to move on. That trust would be done and gone.
Me too!
I have discovered from marriages that fell apart, when the husband or wife does stray, for even one night, there is more going on in the marriage then that one night. Either you try to work together to fix it and move on or you go your own way, because there are certain issues that can’t be fixed.
I feel like she’s saying this because she knows someone has something on them about infidelity and she’s trying to get out ahead of the story.
wtf. some people can get over it, some can’t.
i have a deal with mine, he wants to do it, he’s to call me and tell me he’s going to do it before it happens. it is always his choice but be a MAN ffs and not some cheating loser that gets a cheap thrill from sneaking around and can’t control his impulses. a real MAN or woman doesn’t cheat because they are above acting on whims and know their actions have consequences or, if the relationship ain’t that great, they work to fix it or get out.
a good relationship is a partnership and all the better if you are the best of friends. it isn’t always easy but respect and trust are hugely important. disrespecting your partner is pathetic and shows the cheater isn’t worthy of being in a committed relationship to begin with.
yes people make mistakes; cheating is still a choice and it reflects on the kind of person you are and what little character and integrity you have.
I believe most people say something about “forsaking all others” in their marriage vows. That means, even for 1 night!
Cheating can create a ripple effect that lasts forever. My father in law cheated on my mother in law about 15 years into the marriage. My husband was in grade school and knew about it. Well, my MIL didn’t kick him to the curb, and it explains a lot about my FIL. He thinks he is a king and that he can get away with anything. He treats my mother in law like a servant. He thinks he is the s#$t because he cheated and got away with it. I CAN”T STAND HIM!
Oooh, I hate my father in law too. He acts the exact same way. I don’t know if he cheated over the years or not, but he is such an entitled narcissistic a-hole I wouldn’t doubt it for a second. Would not doubt him hitting her either. He has the worst temper I have ever seen in my life and he humiliates my MIL on a regular basis in front of people. Yelling at her, calling her names, belittling her. And she defends him! And I am expected to go stay several days (out of state) with this jerk off in his home when my husband wants to visit. I don’t know if you will find this helpful to your situation, but there is a lot of fascinating info about narcissism out there if you think it might apply. I have read a lot of Sam Vaknin’s articles for instance. He has a website and a book dedicated to narcissism. His website is not that pretty but so full of info.
Basically, in the end you just have to stay away from these people as much as you can. My sympathies!
My future SIL is like that… she’s a realy piece of work. She belittles everyone around her, and her mother allows it, and will defend her. I refuse to stand for her BS anymore, so I’ve completely stopped communication with her. As much as I can. I’m expected to play nice during holidays. But my fiance can’t stand her either. So it’s not a huge deal.
Thanks Jules-I will look into the website! It’s just sad that my MIL takes it. She is basically a sweet woman, but then I swear she takes her frustration out on me because she can’t talk back to my FIL.
@Original Me- yep what she’s doing is called displacement in psychological terms. She feels he’s too dangerous so she finds a safer target for her frustration. You’re not imagining it.
Everyone cheats on some level. Monogamy is a myth. People are cheating or getting in bed with that myth and holding on for dear life. People aren’t possessions.
yawn. its not a myth. jealousy and the related chemical reaction can be proven you know. its also no social construct or whatever the current lame ass excuse is for behaving like a caveman.
yes people are not possesion but you know nowadays no one is forced to marry so if you enter a relationship or marriage its your responsibility to do it. if you want out break up, if you want more parnters ask your partner for permission. done. cheating is always a sign that you are a horrible person with no regard for other peoples feelings and health.
Monogamy, like anything, is a choice. When you take your marriage vows, you are promising, pubicly, to your spouse, to your family and friends, and, if you’re religious, to God, that this is the only person you will have sex with for the rest of your life. That’s why getting married should be the most important, and the most frightening, decision you will ever make. You are required to go beyond your typical human urges and commit yourself to one person body and soul. If you have even the slightest doubt you can’t do that, don’t get married.
Oh please!
Agreed.
If getting married was the “most frightening decision” you ever made, you married the wrong dude! LOL!!!
I mean seriously, unless you are one of those Warren Jeffs child brides out in the desert…
Getting married should not be scary!
Actually, the myth is that monogamy is a myth. It’s not. It’s a conscious choice.
I don’t think that there is a one size fits all rule on what to do if you find out you’ve been cheated on. That noted, I think that the person that cheats is the one who is “throwing” the relationship away, not the person who ends the relationship after being cheated on.
My ex didn’t cheat that I know of but he did break our trust by drinking and gambling our money away behind my back several times. We tried everything to make it work but eventually our relationship was destroyed because I couldn’t trust him. I always advocate for forgiveness but sometimes you have to look out for yourself when someone repeatedly betrays your trust.
Ginger imo, this ^^^ is worse than sexual infidelity. My heart goes out to you. When we were first married my H had a serious spending problem, a little bit of a gambler, but mostly just living FAR beyond his means. I put him on a serious money “diet” with a strict allowance until we were completely out of debt. Then slowly let him have a cc or more than one check at a time.
I still do all the bills/shopping but over time he has learned to like saving more then spending. So I got lucky I guess. But I can completely see how it could have gone the other way if the gambling had had a bigger hold on him at the time.
All I know is that those years worrying about money were far worse than thinking about him shtucking some other chick.
i heared that a couple of times but ALWAYS from the person who got cheated on.
thats very telling.
how about the cheater acutally thinking this BEFORE cheating? “you cant throw your marriage away over a one-night stand” SO DONT CHEAT.
i know that its not easy to leave when you have a family but i will never understand those women telling me “i would break up the family” NO, the cheater did this ffs. he/she didnt care about your feelings or your family, not your fault.
i think in times of mass STDs cheating is just downright criminal, you take the chance to infect your partner with something possible deadly.
Ok so here is how I really see it, I could be married to Jesus H Christ and not trust him 100% I know how easy it is to cheat (reformed cheater) and I know what it feels like to be cheated on. It s only as devastating as you let it be. I will never give all of my trust to anyone again, lest I losd my sanity. I always hold something back for me. I was once a naive girl who trusted her husband emphatically and got burned. Now I take a more realistic approach and I think it has helped me to be more in tune to my new husbands next move. Everyone says, well doesn’t that hurt your marriage not trusting him when he didnt do anything? And I say no, I am prepared mentally should that happen now. I do believe that marriages can overcome things like that but only if you get to fundamental root of the problem; did she stroke his ego? Were you bored in the bedroom? Etc. I think you never really know how strong your relationship can be until its tested amd you certainly cant say how you would or wouldn’t react until that hand is dealt. I look at the good and bad with my husband and if I know I love him an ounce more than I hate him its worth trying another day. I wouldnt dump a perfectly good husband cause he effed up (but dont tell him that) I mean you have to take a pragmatic approach and weigh everything including how likely a reoccurance is, if there are children, etc. I personally demand complete transparancy, passwords, audits etc he happily complies and I do the same, that was my rule from day one and it works well for us. And I enjoy my marriage but I like to be realistic.
Here’s my theory–if two well meaning people agree not to put themselves in situations where they might cheat—then neither of you will cheat. For instance, it’s not smart for either partner to start giving rides home from work to a good looking coworker. Or helping out the hot neighbor when no one else is around. I personally believe that men and women can be friendly but not really ‘friends’ unless one of them (usually the guy) wants something more (otherwise he wouldn’t be wasting his time with you–sorry they’ve done studies on this). Are there exceptions- I’m sure. But after going around the block a couple of times, I believe in not being stupid, and protecting what you have..not blind trust. If someone is not being transparent with you or cares if you look at their phone, then they are hiding something. It may not be cheating but they are hiding something–in my case I don’t want my hubby seeing all my texts venting about his crazy parents:)
I think she’s trying to get ahead of the story because apparently Teresa makes Al’s alleged cheating a storyline this season.
And we ALL KNOW she’s hellbent on NEVER allowing Theresa to “one up” her. She’s turned from the sane, level-headed one to the vengeful, calculating one. Therea is a dirtbag..as is her husband…and she outright lies…and twists the truth to suit her situation..so between the two of them..they should keep the season full of drama. I don’ believe ONE WORD that comes out of Theresa’s mouth. She tries to paint everything innocent of any wrong doing..and it’s all bull***T!
They are all dirtbags. But I think Caroline is just a little bit worse than the rest because she was SO GOOD at hiding it for so long. Maybe it’s just because she’s older and has had more practice, but she’s a snake in the grass–you don’t see her until right before she strikes!
agreed, that was my first thought too
I don’t disagree with her. My marriage is built on a lot of different things and physical intimacy is only a piece of the puzzle. It would depend on the specifics of the affair, of course, but it isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker for me. I’m not saying I would be happy about it…there’d be some hell to pay…but I can’t say I would definitely end my marriage over it.
An aquintance sneaks around on his wife to gamble all the time. He is out of work and she supports their family. He is a heavy drinker and has blown tens of thousands of dollars in a weekend of gambling. She turns a blind eye to that but says if he ever cheats she’ll leave him. I don’t understand that all.
BUT every marriage is different and everyone has a right to establish boundaries of how they expect to be treated.
If my husband were going to cheat, I’d almost rather it was recent and not some twenty year old secret that came out. The twenty year old cheat would make me question my entire marriage and everything he ever said to me while I might be able to deal with a recent horrible decision. The old one would make me feel like I’m supposed to just let it go because it’s so old, while I’d feel entitled to kill him over a recent one.
I’m dealing with infidelity news from 6 years ago that I just discovered a few months back. He claims to have been unhappy then – and I don’t remember anyting happening that would have caused it. I also wonder what else went down in the last 6 years. But have to take it on faith that nothing did. It sucks.
In general I try to make a point to not comment on marriage because every one is different.
The way I see it is that you can’t fault someone for staying married to someone who cheated. I think it’s easy to play hypothetical games and come out sounding tough and independent but its another thing to actually face a situation like this in your life. I know that I would do anything to save my family if it was salvagable. You never know until you try and if it still doesnt work then there is no fault in that either.
+1
People may have different opinions on this, but mine is quite simple:
I’ve made it clear (and I do always make it perfectly clear) that I don’t want my partner to cheat on me. Ive asked them not to do that. I’ve said that it would hurt me enormously, considering my self-esteem and trust issues.
If they’ve agreed to it, but still cheat, even just this once?
Yep, it’s the end. And it is not a matter of who does what to whom, what naughty parts interlock and for how long.
It’s an issue of me asking for something very important to me and them agreeing to it. And then deciding that something important to me is not that important after all. Shows how much I really mean to them, you know?
Cheating even once is very telling. It shows they are vulnerable to doing it again. There will be ongoing trust issues.
Monogamy is a choice and it’s got to be a hard one for a lot of men to make. They’re not meant to be with just one person, but to procreate with many and spread their seed. Being reined in does not work for a lot of men so they shouldn’t get married. Unfortunately these men want their cake and eat it too.
Now see telling your husband that just gives him an excuse. I can do it because she’ll take me back.
I probably would try to work things out with my husband. But I don’t tell him that!
Isa, YES you are right! I think that’s apart of what will keep us as women unhappy if we experience something like that is not knowing wether or not they’re feeling like thye “won” because they knew ahead of time of your loyalty. One of the worse things you can do is to “show your hand” completely in a relationship. A man needs to know that he runs the risk of coming home and finding every trace of you gone should he f–k up…
Yes, exactly. I trust my husband completely, I really don’t think he would ever cheat, but even so, I think I would try to work it out. But I would not tell him that!
Manzo needs to stfu. She thinks that she’s safe from emotions because she’s braced for the impact of an affair. *CACKLE*!
She needs to know that all that calm practicality would change if he f*cked someone she really, r-e-a-l-l-y didn’t want him to f*ck.
And enough of this bs of glorifying long, long lasting marriages. They happened more in the past due to the public shaming that would happen if you did divorce. Think about the health (physical and emotional ) of you and your children and how sometimes things can’t be fixed. Divorce is not a “failure”, and judge-y people need to be dumped as well if they’re putting that on you.
Thank you for that second paragraph!
I hate it when people act is if marriage lasted longer in past decades because of better morals or some crap like that. There was cheating, there was abuse, there was neglect, there was everything there is today, and it was there just as much as it is now.
The way people think about abuse, neglect, infidelity and all of those other things have changed, and because of that, people aren’t as pressured to stay in bad marriages. They have an easier way out, and it’s a good thing that they are taking advantage of those ways instead of trying to make bad relationships work. Would it be better if many of those relationships didn’t happen to begin with? Sure, but sometimes good relationships go bad and there is no good reason to stick around.
Take off the rose-tinted glasses and pick up a history book, people, because there is too much information about this out there to have such a distorted view of marriages in past decades.
Agree – I think back even in the ’60s in some, if not most, states you had to jump through hoops to get a divorce, like PROOF of infidelity. If you tried to leave the marriage without that, you’d get nothing. If you were a stay at home mom with no income, you’d be screwed. Some of this I got off of the Mad Men episode where Betty was trying to leave Don, so I could be a little off, but I think that’s the gist.
Everyone and every marriage is different. But I wonder for all those who say that it would definitely be over, could you really do it if put in that position? Especially with children? I used to be emphatic that if my husband ever cheated it would be over, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve changed my perspective. I don’t think I could leave him for a one-time indescretion, as horrible a betrayal as that would be. And I think he feels the same about me.
chloe, you are right about that but it also applies to saying “i couldnt leave him” because you dont know how it feels. you dont know if you will always think about the other woman when you are intimate or if he calls you that he needs to stay a little longer at work etc.
Oh, but I do. I didn’t mention it in the previous post because I didn’t want to be put in the “her husband cheated so that’s why she says that” category. A few years back my husband and I had a lengthy separation. During that time he did sleep with someone else and later told me about it. We worked through it, reconciled and have now been back together 5 years. I did have trust issues for quite some time, but we are together because we want to be with each other. We decided what we had between us was more important than anything else and now our marriage is better than it ever was before. Like I said, everyone is different. It has had a happy ending so far for us, so for some couples, it does not mean the end.
I always thought I would walk if DH cheated. I discovered he was at a minimum flirting with doing it (he claims nothing happened) back in 2007. I haven’t left and we are working on it. Some days, I forget it happened.
CB asked “Wouldn’t you always be wondering what your partner is up to after that, or would you just have to go on faith and trust them, even after they revealed to you that they can’t be trusted?”
Yes to both questions so far. I don’t always wonder what he’s up to because he’s home more and communicates more, etc. You do go on faith I guess. He says he wants to be with me and that he ultimately wasn’t able to physically cheat and I have to believe that. But I do pry on his phone now and I never used to do that. Not all the time and as months go by it’s less and less.
Next time, I would walk.
If I stay, then I’d have to have a free pass too.
Lol!
Everyone’s deal breakers aren’t the same. What some may look past, others won’t…
Yup.
I don’t think she’s speaking in real terms, she’s speaking in hypotheticals and the kind that go out the window fast when you are actually betrayed and can’t ignore it.
Uh…..yes you can….DORMAT!
If he WHORED around on YOU, then he threw it away.
Well, I know of 2 women that stayed and they and their spouses tried to work it out. The husbands both went on to cheat again. I think a “one night stand” goes on to be a lot of one night stands. I was married 14 years and I can say I know my spouse 100% never cheated on me. However we would go without sex for months at a time and every time we did he always had a physical ailment when we tried something different. It ended up being me that sadly left because I was going to start cheating out of feelings of neglect and many other things that added up over time that my spouse was unwilling to work on.. I was in a passionless marriage. If you are at the point you feel like cheating, have enough respect for your partner to get out and save them the public humiliation.
He worked a high stress occupation that is known for a husband’s affairs. 15 out of 17 men cheated in his group. I think sometimes women do not want to know (they have children and do not want to raise them without a father, financial concerns, ets.) But I do think affairs go on a lot more than the innocent spouse thinks. Just get out of the marriage if you are that unhappy. My spouse and I have a great relationship after time however he never admits he played a big part in the split. I married to a germaphobe. I just could not live in a passionless marriage anymore and my youth was slipping away. I married very young.
Anyways the husbands often cheat with with women that are married, at least half I knew of.
I do believe as well that the actual percentage of cheaters is higher than the printed statistics. Some people cannot admit it to themselves.
In essence, from the track record I have seen when people that cheat it is rarely a one time instance. And if they do it once they will do it again. Just my thoughts.
Wow that was long, sorry:)
Manzo wants it all. She want to be a know-it-all and she wants some butt cover in case some past indiscretions make their way out of the closet.
@the Original…
You nailed it right on the head.
Sorry, but I can’t agree even though you all seem to be the majority. If my husband cheated on me at any time, even if it were 20 years ago, I would leave him as fast as I could pack a bag. Even if I could somehow learn to trust him again, I don’t think I’d ever be able to forgive him for being so selfish and hurting me so badly. I would never do it to him. I expect the same in return. I guess somebody needs to explain to me how a 20 minute romp that could break someone’s heart is deserving of forgiveness, let alone loyalty. Never!
Agree 100%. You are either faithful or you aren’t; there is no in-between. I’ve been with my husband for 27 years and I know he has never cheated. But if he ever had…that would the end of it, period. If I can’t trust you, I can’t be with you.
Plus, I don’t agree that no one knows with “100 percent certainty that their partner never cheated.”
You believe in psychics then?
You can’t know. You just can’t. You have to take it on faith, and you have to choose someone who deserves that faith. It’s not like you need to go around worrying that your spouse is going to cheat and being jealous all the time — that’s a recipe for disaster anyway. You just can never know anything with 100% certainty. You might fall down and die in the shower tomorrow. Anyone who needs complete certainty in life, about anything, is setting themselves up for disaster. Also, I’ve noticed that the people who are most worried about cheating and the most likely to think it automatically means the end of the relationship are people who keep choosing to go out with people who cheat, over and over again.
I would forgive my husband if he cheated, under certain circumstances. If he went to a prostitute or had a meaningless one-night stand, no. But if we were going through a rough spot and he turned to a good friend, yes. I know he would forgive me for it as well. That doesn’t mean woo-hoo, license to cheat. It just means we know we’re human.
I’d like to know if her husband is as “forgiving” when it comes to her one nighters.
Eff that. Why has no one mentioned that if you are going to cheat, why get married or have a partner? Just stay single and screw as many people that are willing. Why promise or commit to be with one person if you are going to cheat? If you are going to cheat, break up with me so I can move on to someone who won’t LIE and hurt me. I can’t stand liars…
i think this is an honest statement made by a mature (emotionally, i mean here) woman who is secure in her relationship with her husband. i admire a relationship that weathers a random storm or two over nearly 30 years and still works. vows of fidelity are very important, but so are the vows to work out your troubles and grow through the experience. serial cheaters, STDs, that’s not what she’s talking about. she’s talking about not bailing on an otherwise solid marriage over a one night stand. good for them.
…Caroline?
She’s guessing how she’d react under pretty narrow circumstances – if he cheated once, years ago; it was one nighter, etc. But there are about a million variations that would strain anyone’s vows to the breakng point – like cheating with a bff, or a second family. It’s a bit silly of her to speculate, maybe the interviewer elicited her opinion though.
I cheated on my fiancé a few months before we got married (years ago). I was going through a very difficult time… Lots of stress running my own business.. Started having panic attacks… My parents separated a year earlier, which devastated me… And I had a month-long affair with another man. It was a terrible series of bad decisions. My fiancé found out- I got sloppy trying to hide it. We went to a counselor a few times, took a monthlong roadtrip across the country, decided to go through with the wedding. I still can’t believe I was capable of it. I love my husband so much, it’s hard to find words for how close we are. We spend all of our time together because we run a business together.. Which to most people sounds awful but we’re strange & just get along SO well. Anyway, I think it’s impossible for anyone to REALLY say how they’d feel. Infidelity is so complex. Usually there’s something deeper at work- a bad relationship or someone’s issues. I’m so glad my husband was willing to work through it. I think i cried everyday for over a month at first- every day was a rollercoaster.
I’ll always regret how much pain I caused, but we came out of it so much stronger. It will never go away- we don’t pretend like it never happened, though it’s obviously not a regular topic anymore. But I will always be grateful that things worked out the way they did.
Oops. Duplicate comment. ;(
Oye. I’ve gone through it, we survived. It feels like the end of the world, it isn’t. If it happened again you can bet your booties I’d kick his butt to the curb but I’m glad we fought for our marriage and our family. It was and is worth it.
It definitely leaves it’s mark which is why I don’t look down on anyone who leaves or stays. I can say from actually experience what it is like to do both (I kicked him out but we got back together later). Leaving was easier than getting back together and doing a cr@p load of work and dealing with a truck load of hurt.
It does irritate me when people pass judgment on spouses who stay. You just can’t know what you’d do until your @ss deep in it. I thought for sure I’d never look back if my spouse cheated but I surprised the both of us.
I don’t regret staying and I know I wouldn’t have regretting leaving. I did what was right for me and my family at the time.
That’s the BEST reason to throw a marriage away …!!!!! Once the cheating starts it’s already OVER!!!!!!!!!!
if it’s already over, then it may be a good idea to inform your spouse of that. i would rather my wife be blunt with honesty than to bring back herpes to me. finding out that your partner has been a no-good-whore is awful. the sexing may stop, but the pain and the damage to a man’s psyche never goes away.