Kids By The Dozen was a TLC show that aired in 2007. There were just eight episodes featuring seven families with up to 17 kids each. One of the families featured were The Jeubs, who have sixteen children, all of whom were homeschooled. Their third oldest child, Cynthia, now goes to The University of Colorado and is no longer in touch with her family. In an entry on her blog, Cynthia explained very eloquently how she and her siblings were emotionally and physically abused by her parents, and how she gradually came to understand that her family life was abusive.
The most informative thing I first saw about domestic violence was Leslie Morgan Steiner’s TED talk, “Why domestic violence victims don’t leave.”
In it, she says that when we ask why the abused people don’t leave, we’re asking the wrong question. Such a question blames the victim for being in the situation. She also tells her own story, and says she didn’t know it was happening…
Nobody has to ask me why I never said anything about my past in abuse. I ask it of myself, and I question my own sanity. I trusted my parents completely, and I couldn’t identify manipulation or emotional abuse. I was physically abused, and I don’t just mean that I’m opposed to spanking.
I didn’t know I was abused. For every violent incident or when my parents lost their tempers, I had three options. First, I could blame myself and assume I deserved it, or that one of my siblings deserved it. Second, I could see this instance as isolated and minimal, totally out of character, and thus erase my logical ability to recognize patterns. Third, if the first two options didn’t work, my parents apologized profusely and demanded forgiveness, which meant I could never bring it up again.
The life of abuse isn’t full of anger, getting thrown and smacked and bruised, and being yelled at and torn down. That’s only part of it. You also feel special and needed. You don’t feel like life is hell, even if it is, because you know how to force a smile. It feels good to damage your own health and wellbeing for your abusers, because you’re told that you’re doing what is right. You fight for acceptance and admonition, because you’re always getting small tastes of it, and it’s always just out of reach.
The breakthrough moment isn’t the only reason domestic violence victims don’t leave. They also stay in their situations because they feel trapped. Once they know what’s going on, it’s unsafe to leave.
The reason it’s unsafe is because nobody knows about it, and if you speak up, the perpetrator threatens and punishes.
I wasn’t safe to talk about my family life until now. I had to get a new bank account, so my dad could stop financially abusing me with easy transaction-making access. I had to get my own car, so my mom could stop using rides to my much-needed mental health therapy as reason to tell me I was ungrateful if I stepped out of line. I had to buy my website’s domain name from my dad so he couldn’t delete my blog for prying the mask off my family’s face.
These stories have always existed. I was taught to tuck them away as if they never happened. To speak of them would be unforgiving.
There’s so much to tell. I’m assuming that those of you who don’t know anything about my family can use Google to fill yourselves in on what I’m referencing. My parents love the spotlight, so it’s not hard to find the pieces…
But the time my mom grabbed my ear as a small child and threw me on the hard wood floor so my head rang, or the time my dad hit my sister over forty times with a belt not as punishment, but because she had a rebellious spirit, or when my brother wasn’t allowed to attend his regular extracurricular activities for a couple of weeks so nobody would see the bruises my mom left on his face…I think it’s fair to call those things abusive…
I predict this, and some of it has already happened since Friday’s teaser: people will say it’s disrespectful to put these stories on display. Others will say I’m complaining about things that aren’t a big deal. Still others will discredit my voice because I sound angry and hurt, as if the people who’ve been hurt have no right to speak up about what they’ve experienced. I will be, and have already been, accused of lying. I’m prepared for all of these things.
You have to reassure people when you’re talking about such things, so here’s that reassurance: I have a great support system from friends since losing trust in my parents and connection with my siblings. Yes, I have friends who disagree with me, so I have accountability. Yes, I’m prepared for being accused of slander and I can back up my claims. I’m moving forward in my career, and I’m in mental health therapy. I am living in a safe place.
[From CynthiaJeub.com via Radar Online]
That was powerful and I’m impressed with how well Cynthia writes and explains her position. She works as a writer, according to Radar Online. Radar also links to a now-deleted (but archived on YouTube) podcast by Cynthia’s dad, Chris Jeub, who claims that these allegations are not true and that “we love Cynthia and there is pain in these accusations… before her blog post we have been really wrestling with her for months.” He also claims that he’s pled with Cynthia to go to counseling “to get help for what I believe is mental illness…. I can’t think of any other reason that these accusations would come out.” So the dad’s excuse is that his daughter is mentally ill and that’s why she’s accusing him and his wife of abusing their kids. Typical.
If this is true, and I believe it is, I don’t get how people who call themselves Christian or God-fearing or whatever can abuse their children like this, but I guess this isn’t inconsistent with The Bible, if they’re interpreting it literally. And I also don’t get how people can have so many kids that they regularly lose their temper with them and yet continue to have many, many more. Mom Wendy told Fox News in 2012 that she’s having so many kids because God told her to. “Without God’s conviction in our life we would likely have stopped with four children.” Any “condemnation we may be dealt by those who feel our convictions are irresponsible or foolish, we can respond with confidence that we are obeying God.”
Many people are going to draw parallels to the Duggars, but I don’t think it’s fair to assume the Duggars abuse their children too. We know that they practice child rearing practices which can be considered abusive, but that’s a somewhat different issue. I would love it if one of their kids would go to an actual university outside the home, but they have different plans for them, particularly for their daughters.
Yay Cynthia! Thank you for covering this because I went to her twitter to show her support. 🙂
This behavior was normal when I was a kid. I am inclined to say most of us who grew up in the 60’s or 70’s were -definitely- abused as kids. If we look around at thes adult victims, including myself, there are three outcomes: numbing through substance or process, re-abuse of our own children, or intense introspection and conscious work to become kinder parents and people. I’ve never once hit or spanked my child, and while some wholeheartedly agree, others think I’m spoiling him. I’ll admit to losing my temper or yelling, but thankfully my son will say, “mom are you sick or prmsing? He knows it’s the exception and has the self-esteem to call me out as these episodes are the exception. We live in a time of transition, and I’m so proud of those who are vocal about child protection; it gives me strength to keep re-working the wiring I learned as a child.
You sound like a great mom!
What a wonderful post and I completely agree, you sound like a great mother. I’ve also chosen to not spank and break that cycle for my daughter, she’s full of confidence, well behaved, and smart way beyond her 7 years, proof that you don’t need physical violence to raise a respectful child.
I’m 45 and I was definitely abused, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
I was brought up in a strict church that praised parents for not sparing the rod.
I say I was also spiritually abused because the God I was shown was a warped view.
I don’t hit my kids, they do get yelled at from time to time though 😀
To break the cycle I waited til I was 27 to have kids and had 5 years of intensive therapy.
It can be done, we can choose to not be our parents. It makes me happy that so many people now are choosing a better way.
My kids are 18 and 9 now.
That Youtube podcast was interesting. I see why the father took it down.
She wrote a very honest and frank account of her childhood. I also believe her,although I’m not familiar with this family.
I don’t know if the dugger family is physically abusive, but I do believe they’re negligent. There is no way that a person can be a parent and give a child the individual attention they deserve when you have that many kids. It’s impossible.
I agree that having that many children is irresponsible on so many levels. And yes, I’m judging.
Makes me wonder what the Gosselin children will say one day….
I discovered that someone has already written a book about the Gosselin saga, ” Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled The World, The Rise And Fall Of A Reality Tv Queen” by Robert Hoffman. Apparently, Kate Gosselin tried to prevent the book from being published, twice, but failed. There are also accusations of abuse in this family as well.
I believe you Cynthia.
I do, too. And I think it takes a great deal of courage and inner strength to stand up to the people who abused you because they have never allowed you to have a voice before. I wish her the very best.
I believe her as well and I’m glad she’s, as she says, in a safe place now. Here’s to her continued well-being.
Yes, everything she says has the ring of truth. Only someone who was abused would understand how convoluted and messed up the thinking of someone who is abused can get. I mean, messed up in terms of trying to find ways to explain away the abuse, and somehow twist it all back into that their abuser is really a good person, and really loves them, etc… Maybe some therapists really get it, but I doubt that some college kid could write about abuse in that way, unless they were really abused themselves. Also, most people don’t get the practicalities of getting away from an abusive situation.
I’m impressed with her clarity and strength. She is a great role model. I hope she finds love and peace.
I don’t know the family, but I’m willing to believe her and wish her the best of luck.
It’s good to see any of the kids raised like this, especially a female, stepping out on their own and making their own choices for their life and education. I hope she’s able to help any of her siblings who want to do the same.
I, for one, beleive Cynthia. I find parents having so many children irresponsible and selfish – selfish because I beleive they do it for the attention. I dated a guy in highschool who was the 2nd youngest of 17 kids. He told me often that he really didn’t get his parents’ attention so much as the older siblings took care of the younger siblings. When the older siblings moved out on their own, the younger ones who were close to them and look to them as parental figures were devestated. His parents were more like grandparents. They were too old to do anything with the younger ones. They were burned out and didn’t seem to have much interest in any of the kids any more. They were always poor and never got anything of their own. He was resentful of his parent’s choices. Most of those kids moved away and didn’t come back.
I agree with everything you said. Parents can’t possibly give 17 children the attention and emotional support they deserve. It’s irresponsible to the over populated world, it creates a parent child bond between siblings that is unfair and bound to cause trauma when the older one leaves, it’s irresponsible financially, it’s detrimental to the mother’s health. Just a crummy idea for a million reasons.
+10000, people should only have the kids they intend to properly care for.
I wonder if it was someone from my family. My mom was the 5th of 17. It’s a horrific burden to place on children and each and every one of them is so terribly damaged. At least half have said to me that they wished that their parents didn’t have so many kids, that they would have chosen not to be born to give their siblings a fighting chance at a good life.
The things that went on…
Sorry but nobody convince that having 16-19 children is normal, fine, great. There is no way that parents are able to give each kid the same amount of time, attention, support. There is something pathological about it. When I hear “God told me…” or “it depends on God…” I know that it’s all about the parents and their vocation or fulfilment and not about the kids. Sad.
What does it mean that she had to get a new bank account so her dad would stop abusing her with “easy transaction-making access”? Also, she said she had to buy her domain from him to make him stop deleting her posts – does anyone know how easy a process this is? Did he simply sell it to her or did she have to go through a legal process to get it?
It is not about buying it or getting your father off of the account. It’s not about how simple the transaction is. It’s about working so hard to extracate yourself from a controlling and abusive and manipulative person. Who uses what you want and what you need to hurt you or as leverage.
It sounds like he had access to her account before, so that if she displeased him for whatever reason, then he could take her money. So, stealing her money from her was something that he could threaten her with if she didn’t do what he wanted her to do.
I don’t know how the domain name thing works.
Cynthia reported on her blog that her father maintains total financial control over adult children still living in his home. Many of these patriarchal families – including the Duggars – practice this policy. The father is seen as responsible for his kids (especially daughters) in all ways until they marry; in the case of girls, at that point the authority over them transfers to their husbands. So Cynthia had to acticely extricate herself from her father’s financial control.
The podcast made by father Chris Jeub in response to Cynthia’s accusations is painful to watch – he uses the opportunity to call her mentally ill and then shills his book about raising kids! AndAnd in the podcast, her four next-in-line siblings not only poorly attempt to deny her claims – ending up acknowledging their parents’ behavior but justifying it as deserved or downplaying it – but outright mock her, as well, all while adamantly insisting that they were not being coerced to say what they are saying. That a parent would not only allow a child’s siblings to publically mock their supposedly mentally ill sister but to promote the event by posting the podcast in the first place is, in itself, abusive.
Others have linked to the podcast; here is a transcript: http://thelittlefighterthatcould.wordpress.com/2014/10/11/transcript-of-chris-jeubs-podcast/
For anyone who wonders whether the Duggar children have also been physically abused, know that the Duggars have praised the writings and teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl. They wrote a book containing information on how to pysically discipline a “disobediant” three month old, blanket train a six month old , by hitting them with plumbing tubing or a wooden spoon to teach them to stay on their blanket (Michelle has endorsed this during many of her speaking engagements) and mercilessly beat a child with a rebelious spirit. You are to hit the child even harder for crying during the beating, you know, until their whole spirit is broken. These people are al sick and misled and the fact that people say “the kid’s are all so happy and well behaved” infuriates me. Showing any emotion other than joy is viewed as sinful and rebelling against their parents, so the kids are conditioned to smile regardless of what they are feeling and what is going on. I’m happy that Cynthia, who seemed very intelligent and articulate on the Kids By the Dozen episode, has broken away from the abuse and is speaking out against it. These Fundie child abusers need to be exposed. TLC does so much damage with the candy coating they do. If a Duggar child ever spoke out, it would really blow the lid off of this abusive lifestyle, hiding behind religion.
Oh dear. Children have died from following the Pearls’ advice.
They used to have the Pearl’s website and books linked to theirs, but removed them due to the ongoing controversy. They did the same with the Vision Forum Ministry. The Duggars are all about maintaining that holier than thou facade, but there is plenty of evidence that they aren’t as harmless as TLC tries to portray them as being.
Aren’t the Jeub’s a quiverfull family like the DUggar’s? From what I understand, the quiverfulls (Duggar’s included – I think the mom blogged about doing it at one point) have some practice called blanket training where they put toddlers on a blanket and the kids “correct” the child if it ventures any where near the edge or off the blanket. If they do that to wee ones, lord knows what other biblical sanctioned corporal punishment they use
Raising your girls to believe they must become baby factories even if it kills them, and having an iron grip on your children’s sexuality well into their young adulthood, is severely abusive behavior. The Duggars raise their children in a misogynistic cult. That’s horrific abuse.
It’s all about having as many children as possible so you can influence culture and politics to your way of believing. They look at how many more children with their belief system will be born compared to families with only 1 or 2 children. It gets larger with each generation and if all these kids are indoctrinated in the belief system, then groomed to go into politics and so on, they believe that they can eventually outnumber the people who believe differently, thus creating a country that shares their belief system. That is truly how these people think. You can read more about it here: Quiverfull Outbreeding the World
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/01/quiverfull-outbreeding-the-world.html
Here’s a blurb from the site:
“As American Christians, most of us would like to see our society and government change in many ways. We would like to see an end to legalized abortion, we would like to see strong Christian influences and witnesses throughout our society, we would like to see major reductions in pornography, immorality, gambling, misuse of drugs and alcohol, homosexuality, and a host of other evils that have been growing in our culture. What can we do about these things?
We can work to change laws, to influence our neighbors, to teach and preach and write about these things, etc. However, all of these efforts would be much more effective if there were many more of us working towards these ends. We need more Christians…Just how much impact can just you and your spouse have on the future world merely by birthing and raising children for the Lord? ”
———————-
There’s been a fair bit of discussion about Quiverfull as well as the Jeub family and their daughter’s blog on http://www.freejinger.org/ as well. I only wish one of the Duggar kids could break away long enough to see how their parents have limited not only their lives in terms of what they have been allowed to see, hear, and read, but also their futures by limiting their options through their education and denying them a chance to attend a secular (or even a Christian) university and have a real career. Their belief system does not believe in it and only allows very narrow, pre-approved educational material. Without some distance, they can’t even see how much they are being denied of the world. They don’t know what their options are. They aren’t allowed true dreams that lie outside what their parents want for them. The children are trained to go forth and birth their own armies of the Lord, not have careers or lives of their own. The Duggars say their children have choices, but really they don’t because they are never shown any other path but the one they are on and it’s pretty narrow.
Totally believe her because he description and understanding of the rationalizations abused kids go through are spot on. Super happy for her that whe could stand up to her abusers!
Check out a fascinating blog by an escapee from a Christian fundamentalist family:
http://brokendaughters.wordpress.com/about/
The About link is the best to start from. The comments from readers are also helpful.
She knows the movement very well and provides an unusual insight. She was both emotionally and physically abused but was taught to accept it. Her father is US American and her mother is German and so she has dual citizenship and escaped eventually to Germany, where she has non-fundie relatives. She is going to school now and has interesting observations about cultural differences and the long term problems she still struggles with. She mentions the Duggars sometimes and gives an interesting perspective on them also.
Thanks for the link. These quiverfull families are so sxrewed up, but get such candy coating from most of the medie. The way the destroy their famale children and damage their male chikdren is criminal, yet idiots still extole the virtues of the Duggars.
Thanks for posting the link. I found her story so fascinating. but she stops at Part 19. Where do I go to hear the rest of the story?!?!
::wistful violin plays in the background::
I grew up in a family that believes “we only spank/beat you because we love you.” I was 23 when I realized what utter horse sh-t that is. You don’t hit anyone because you love them. You hit them because you have anger management issues, poor self control, and a tragic lack of creativity. Do you discipline your children out of love? Absolutely. But laying a finger on them has nothing to do with love.
I believe this girl. And even though I don’t watch the Duggar circus, I hope at least one of those kids escapes, and paves the way for any others that don’t feel that life is for them.
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