Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Magazine is here, and it is just as stupid as

goop magazine

We knew this was coming, but I didn’t realize it would be so muddy. The inaugural issue of Goop Magazine is here, and of course our fair, dumb Gwyneth Paltrow is the cover girl. Gwyneth went “au naturale” on the cover, minus a bikini bottom which was probably made from organic, cruelty-free panda fur silk. Gwyneth actually had the mud imported from France, because American peasant was not good enough for Dame Goop. And in case anyone was wondering… yes, I still strongly believe that she got bolt-ons several years back. I actually think this cover proves that.

Anyway, Goop Magazine is just like, only you can actually, physically flip through tangible pages as you roll your eyes at Gwyneth’s bulls–t. The magazine is quarterly, and it covers everything that covers – jade vadge eggs, extreme diets masquerading as “cleanses,” fake science, designer clothes and many articles which will appeal to the gullible, wealthy white women in your life. This is the mission statement of Goop Magazine:

At goop, more than anything else, we define wellness as a state of curiosity and what that curiosity might lead to. If you have tuned into yourself enough to ask why you feel a certain way or how you might change a particular aspect of your life, you are participating in the wellness movement… Wellness is the space in which to ponder the existence of a mind-body connection, to wonder if food really can be medicine, to imagine that a better relationship is possible. It’s about being the architect of how you want your life to unfold, in whatever way is right for you.

[From Vanity Fair]

I actually believe that science can explain almost everything in our world while also believing that there is something mysterious, magical and unknowable about the world. There’s room for science and mysticism, there’s room for Western medicine and the healing power of good vibes, prayers and positive thinking. But let’s be clear: Gwyneth isn’t saying that. To Gwyneth and the Goop team, everything is a conspiracy that can be explained with thousands of dollars’ worth of goop-branded “vitamin” supplements and a shaman’s psychic’s predictions of what kind of diet an Antebellum ghost would eat. To Gwyneth, EVERYTHING is a mystery and nothing has ever been explained scientifically.

Here are some highlights from Gwyneth’s essay or whatever:

Her first cleanse: “I remember standing in a hippie health-food store in Greenwich Village and I saw a little paperback book describing a ‘master cleanse,’ and I was like, ‘What’s that?’ I remember the next day [after I finished the cleanse] I was like, ‘Oh, wow, I just did this cleanse, and I feel so much better. I can have a beer and a cigarette now, right?’”

She’s “healed” by walking barefoot: “For me, when I take my shoes off and walk in the grass, it’s so healing. It’s hard to find scientific evidence for the idea that ‘I feel good.’ But by trying, you get so much juice out of life.”

Her recommendation for bee-sting treatments: “The doctor stings you [with a live bee] like it’s an acupuncture needle. I had it done on my cesarean scar… I had some buckling in the scar, and it really evened it out.”

Her father’s cancer was eye-opening: “I was sort of pushing this can of processed protein food directly into his stomach. And I remember thinking, ‘Really? Is this really healing? There’s a bunch of chemicals in this.’ It was the first time I contemplated [the idea] that you could have autonomy over your own health.”

She’s not a perfectionist: “You can only be a perfectionist if you think, erroneously, that there’s a finish line in life. I try to succeed and fail all the time in all kinds of ways.”

[From People]

I wonder how old she was when she did her first “cleanse”? From what I remember, Gwyneth was always on a diet, even when she was in her early 20s and newly famous. She’s always been one of those compulsive dieters, always looking for the latest and most trendy way to starve herself or pretend that she has some kind of food allergy or sensitivity. What’s startling is that she’s now built an entire industry around that. And now she has a magazine devoted to it. Shady.

Embed from Getty Images

Cover courtesy of Conde Nast, Goop Magazine. Additional photo courtesy of Getty.

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44 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Magazine is here, and it is just as stupid as”

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  1. feebee says:

    Cover says it all. Earth to Gwyneth. Yeah, come in Gwyneth…. Gwyneth…. Tap if you can read us Gwyneth, over. I repeat Earth to Gwyneth, come in Gwyneth.

  2. minx says:

    I can understand using “I was like” instead of “I thought” or “I said” in conversation. I’ve done it. But to actually write that several times in quick succession (“I was like, ‘what’s that?’” “I was like ‘Oh wow’” makes her sound like a teenager on Twitter.

  3. GiBee says:

    I’m sure she discussed having her breasts “re-done” after childbearing didn’t she? In the oh-so-typical Gwynnie way of implying that when YOU have any cosmetic procedures, you’re an artificial grasping person who hasn’t accepted the life- and appearance-altering properties of whatever she’s shilling, but when SHE has cosmetic procedures she’s just giving back to humanity by maintaining her perfect form.

    So a lift, yes, and perhaps small implants?

  4. marc kile says:

    Is that the imported Tibetan mud used for a rectal cleanse, if so where can i get some.
    (Massive eye roll cough cough)

  5. StartupSpouse says:

    Her boobs look like two totally different sizes (obvs due to her raised arm), but it looks so weird and now I can’t unsee it.

  6. Char says:

    Becky With The Cleanse. The fact Beyoncé is friends with her makes me think less of Bey.

  7. DanielleStl says:

    I think I can see her labia. We all have one and its natural but can we just keep them to ourselves?

  8. Lisa K says:

    I love this website and the writing, but I find the term “bolt-ons” sexist and disrespectful. So what if a woman decides to get breast implants?

  9. Sage says:

    Gwyneth is a hustler and any mature adult buying what she’s shilling already had issues.

  10. Ellis says:

    I too have treated cancer with those cans of food. They kept my parent alive. I too wished he could ‘cure’ himself through organic, natural foods, but I am glad we went with his doctor and dietitian recommendations.

    She reminds me of my anxious self, when I was obsessed with a time for prevention via wellness – until I came to accept, sometimes illness happens to people who do everything ‘right.’ Anxiety is a b*tch though.

    • Tourmaline says:

      Love this comment. Really there is a time and place for wellness and its importance but a lot of it IMO is a feint against the truth of mortality and the human condition. It is a psychological defense. So Gwyneth was so horrified that physicians gave her dying father Ensure or something to drink from a can, and it dawned on her that one can have “autonomy” over one’s health? No honey you actually can’t. I wish too, but no.

  11. SoulSPA says:

    That’s an awful cover. Is it an on-line or paper magazine?

  12. Tiffany says:


    Wait, what were we talking about.

  13. dahlia6 says:

    Huh. When people from my neck of the woods walk around barefoot, we get called ignorant hillbillies for it by people like her.

    And sure, walk on the grass. Its healing right up until you step on a bee.

    • Skylark says:

      It’s not so much that she promotes walking barefoot on grass as uplifting/healing, it’s that she thinks she herself discovered – if not actually invented!! – the concept of walking barefoot on grass as an uplifting/healing experience.

      She’s such a self-absorbed dunce and I hope the next time she does it, her precious feet land in a fresh mess of steaming, stinking dogshit.

      • Alix says:

        I believe it’s called “earthing” now. /eyeroll/

        Wellness = curiosity? Sounds like a nice blanket statement to cover goop’s reckless experimentation with snake-oil health treatments.

        Where does one purchase this bible? I need to get my hands on it… I bet it’s hilarious!

    • Jaded says:

      Oh but she only walks on imported grass grown from seeds flown in from Tibetan mountain meadows and watered with Evian, sterilized and clipped by hand to precisely 1/2 inch with sterling silver grape sheers. Walk on real grass and you risk stinging insects, fleas, ticks and all kinds of animal poop.

    • Minnieder says:

      But if you step on a bee it reduces those unsightly foot wrinkles

  14. Carrie1 says:

    Lord, it’s tough to write about this kind of thing. Because of that, I really like this post. Well done.

    I’m currently treating carpet with salt for fleas. Science doesn’t agree but farmers seem to find it helps so that’s good enough for me. That and listerine, constant vacuuming and laundry, I’m tired. I have no time for GOOP.

    GP is just not interesting and her getting nude in mud makes it even less interesting. I don’t get it.

  15. jferber says:

    Too bad the mud couldn’t have covered her face, too, receding into the mud rather than emerging from it. She’s always emerging, isn’t she? Gwen, when is it time to stop the hustle? Is this where Blake Lively will be in 15 years?

  16. Ksenia says:

    I think this cover is very appropriate: she is rolling in mud like a pig. She is such a horrible, sanctimonious, disdainful, self righteous twit, it’s exactly where she belongs—with no *real* pigs around her, as neither people or pigs should not have to be anywhere near her.

  17. meh says:

    Stung by LIVE BEES? Don’t bees die after they sting? Isn’t there a worldwide panic about how bees are dying out? Don’t we need bees to live?

    Oh no, Goop, that’s okay. Your freaking scar is more important than the world’s food supply.

  18. Ruyana says:

    I find her to be extremely repulsive. When someone is so much in love with themselves it just makes me gag. I cannot believe there are people gullible enough to fall for her hogwash.

  19. K says:

    Orthorexia, in gullible form, monetized.

  20. Ally says:

    The most useful thing about Gwyneth’s post-acting publicizing of her lifestyle is that she has educated the public about orthorexia.

  21. AntiGroopy says:

    Gwynnie’s oh so holistic bee sting treatment she’s shilling is just a direct knock off of the actual safe and sanitary dermatologist treatment micro-needling aka “derma rolling” – which is a procedure using plastic tool with a roller head that is covered in teeny tiny titanium needles to pierce thousands of little holes on the surface of the skin to promote collegen production to help minimize the appearance of stretch marks marks or scars..but sure, a specially cultivated bee could work too hah!

  22. Louise177 says:

    Why does she have a magazine? Isn’t the website failing?