'09
A few commenters pointed this out yesterday as we slavishly lapped up Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice on making the perfect Goopy salad with McDonald’s special sauce. It’s a piece in Vanity Fair’s “Vanities” section online (and I would assume, in the September issue) called “‘Gwyneth Paltrow’ shares her secrets of happiness with Craig Brown”. It’s a spoof, or satire, that the magazine often does, usually of the most megalomaniacal personalities out there. Previously, they’ve spoofed everyone from Heather Mills to Bono to Madonna. What’s particularly funny about this spoof is that I’m pretty sure Craig Brown has taken bits and pieces from real Goop newsletters and made her sound completely incoherent and pretentious – so, basically, it’s sort of honoring the spirit of Goop:
Go-I love film. After a yummy meal for the whole family and some truly great friends, we often go out to see something beautiful and unique.
-Here’s a tip for all moms. Never ask young children to pay when you go out to the movie theater. It is simply unfair to ask a four-year-old to pay for herself.
-Why not give her the trip as a very special present? That way, you—and she—can learn so much more about what it is to love and to give. Repayment can come later.
-Next week, we learn to ride a bicycle with a world-expert bicycle nutritionist.Do
-Many of you have asked if I have any tips on how to get leggings on quicker. My in-house leggings guru advises rubbing onto your legs a paste made from five spoonfuls of extra-virgin olive oil, turbinado sugar, and coarsely ground fair-trade coffee. If you have any further problems, then next week I’ll be recommending a truly great creative-leggings clinic.See
-What is it about books that make them so truly great to read? I think it’s the way the words are printed on every page, the right way up and in just the right order.
-This means you can start reading on the first page and then continue reading through the middle pages all the way to the last page.
-Here are some of my absolute favorite books. War, by Leo Tolstoy. A great read. Bonus: You can get it as part of a two-volume edition which includes Peace by the same great author.
-Shakespeare, by Shakespeare. He has so many great lines. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” “I am the Walrus.” “My heart will go on.” They’re part of the language.
-Next week, we learn to peel a banana with a world-expert fruit psychologist.Be
-To be or not to be. That was the question posed by one great man. It’s a tough one. My choice? To be.
-I love being. There’s so much wisdom in it. You wake up in the morning and you think, Hey, isn’t it great just being?
-But not to be would be just as great too, I guess.
-Next week, we learn to make yummy blueberry-and-goat’s-rennet ice cream served with arugula and coconut water.Get
-Do you sometimes get the feeling you just have too much going on?
At one end of the room the kids are crying out for you to teach them how to make that truly great detox teriyaki salad with miso-nettle dressing. At the other end of the room there’s a new movie script sent to you by the cuddly and awesome director Sam Mendes.
-And then the phone rings and it’s your supercool friend Madonna Ciccone begging you to step into that favorite old cut-price Balenciaga knee-length dress with your buckle belt and outrageous tartan boots and come with her to the opening of this great new restaurant up on East 54th Street.
-Meanwhile, you are desperately trying to get your butt in great shape while nourishing your inner aspect by learning how to fold napkins in a way that will make them more ecologically sustainable.Make
-And at that moment your personal trainer calls with this amazing new recipe for a detox face cream consisting of oatmeal, bee pollen, butterfly larvae, organic anti-freeze, sunflower extract, and liquid Lycra.
-How do you cope? This is my method—and it would be great if you tried it, too.
-Get your nanny to look after the kids, your agent to deal with Mendes, your kitchen staff to fold the napkins, your environmentalist to mix the face cream, and your lovely P.A. to book the table.
-You know what? My life is good because I am not passive about it. I invest in what is real. Like real people, to do real things, for the real me.
[From Vanity Fair]
I love it, because it really sounds like Gwyneth. My favorite is the “Be” section. I swear, some of that stuff came right out of Goop. It needs a “William Joel” reference though. Everything needs a “William Joel” reference.
Meanwhile, the Daily Mail has this weird story up about Gwyneth. They claim that Goopy is encouraging all of us to make our own skin care products from brown sugar and oats and other stuff – which she really did, in a Goop newsletter from a few months ago. It’s not really breaking news, I think the Mail just wants to make fun of Goopy for something. With lines like “’The mind wants to focus on flaws. Ease it into remembering the beauty of who you are” it’s not really difficult to have a chuckle.
Written by Kaiser
Posted in Funny, Gwyneth Paltrow, Vanity Fair
- Top five cutest dogs in movies [Evil Beet]
- Lady Gaga’s schtick is getting so old [Lainey Gossip]
- Bobbi Kristina was hospitalized after her mom Whitney Houston passed [D-Listed]
- Kellan Lutz’s ridic new facial hair [Go Fug Yourself]
- Katy Perry checks out Rihanna’s cleavage [Fark]
- Tom Cruise carries Suri in a blanket [Popsugar]
- Zooey Deschanel on SNL [Pajiba]
- Vanessa Hudgens wears fur [Celebslam]
- Matt Bomer sort-of came out. He wasn’t out already? [The Daily Wh.at]
- Bruce Willis and his pregnant wife [INF Daily]
31 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop is hilariously mocked by Vanity Fair”
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Shakespear by Shakespear hehe
“learning how to fold napkins in a way that will make them more ecologically sustainable.”- that is a must GET!
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Vanity Fair has been on a roll lately! In the past I’ve found them to be a bit pretentious, but they’ve had some very good articles lately!
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‘Shakespeare’ by Shakespeare – ‘I am the Walrus’!
Hahahaha!
I’m loling all over the place.
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I LOL’d at the SEE section
“…..This means you can start reading on the first page and then continue reading through the middle pages all the way to the last page.”
This article is hilarious.
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Too funny!
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hahahahalolollmaoheehheheheheheheh!
i am crying in laughter, i swear…this is the best thing EVER!
happy friday to me!
“the kids are crying out for you to teach them how to make that truly great detox teriyaki salad with miso-nettle dressing”
lmao! priceless.
thanks!
p.s. – can you hear that?
chris martin’s divorce countdown begins…
now.
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I am dying, this is so funny. Really, I’m about to fall off my chair as I type this.
But it just underscores how truly insufferable she is.
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I am officially buying my first copy of Vanity Fair-for this article alone. It has made my day!
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The section on books had me rolling! kudos Vanity Fair! “-Next week, we learn to peel a banana with a world-expert fruit psychologist.” Classic.
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ouch!
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They totally captured her lack of a Thesaurus and pretentious writing style.
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‘You know what? My life is good because I am not passive about it. I invest in what is real. Like real people, to do real things, for the real me.’
Sounds like the real goop to me. Thanks for the laugh, VF!
Has anyone out there come up with a GOOPER-SCOOPER yet??? You know, for retrieving the best goop from Gwinnie? ‘Cause we all know she’s got the bestest goop in all the kingdom!
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Next week, we learn to peel a banana with a world-expert fruit psychologist….hahahaha, TOO FUNNY !!!
There should be a warning before reading this…i nearly choked on my food !
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Classic!!
This is sooo spot on and it manages to get funnier as it goes!
lolol
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Y’all are HATERS. You’re all just so JEALOUS that you don’t have a bicycle nutritionist of your own to consult. -I- have one and he’s GREAT. My bicycle has never looked so good. You roaches probably don’t even have regular nutritionists. Obviously, every one of you needs a fruit psychologist because your fruit is full of hate and you are all eating your hate-fruit and you are what you eat so THAT IS WHY YOU ALL ARE HATERS.
GOOP ROOLZ
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hahahahaha omg that was INCREDIBLE!
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HILARIOUS – and ps – that picture of Madonna? YIKES. She is an old hag.
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that is hilarious! but i admit oatmeal is very good for your skin. i made up my own homemade facemask years ago because my skin is hyper sensitive (i can’t even get facials or wear foundation!)and it is very soothing. it is ground oats, plain yogurt and a few drops of rosewater, mix it with a fork and make a little paste. my friend and i once made avocado & honey masks and it burned! i don;t know why
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This made my DAY!! Fruit psychologist? Bicycle nutritionist? My heart will go on? BWAHAHAHAHA LMFAO ROTF. Thanks for this.
Cletus: too funny.
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OMG!!! So funny, brilliant, and so spot on! I’ve just gained a ton of respect for VF!! Hilarious!!
“what is it about books that make them so great to read”….hahahahaha…take that GOOP!
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Gooper Scooper
bwwaahaaa. you need to trademark that
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too funny, Cletus. I would love to be a fly on the wall when Goopy and Madonna get together. Can you imagine their conversations?
“After drinking 28 ounces of avocado-pear detox juice, I spent 3 hours on my golden throne.”
“Only three hours! I spent 6 hours . . . it was so liberating!”
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Now to figure out what the hell arugula. I assumed it was the canned sound of a fog-horn. Really clears the chakras that does….
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Does this woman lives in a fantasy land? She sounds like a 12 year old. Wow some people have it sooo made that they don’t even have to grow up. Goop or poop or whatever is just a pile of rubbish.
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Best VF since rupert Murdoch’s FB page.
Also ‘golden throne’ lmao!
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V funny sh**! And embarrassing for Ms Pretentious….
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instant classic! comedy gold!!
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I still wonder when mayonnaise (even the vegan version of it) became a part of macrobiotic foods and since when it is healthy to eat. Same for ketchup… Ridiculous bitch, hillarious Vanity Fair!
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I think she’s secretly in love with Madonna.
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“My life is good because I am not passive about it. I invest in what is real. Like real people, to do real things, for the real me.”
That is ABSOLUTELY lifted straight from Goop-I remember reading it as a direct quote in another article of a similar nature to this one.
This article sums up perfectly why I love Vanity Fair. Spot. On.
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It reminds me of when Elvis Costello spoofed Bret Easton Ellis about “Less Than Zero.” “The sun shines. Leaves gather in the swimming pool. I stare at the Elvis Costello poster on my wall, after snorting cocaine. Corksville.”
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