Spoilers for 1st episode below
Hugh Hefner officially introduced his latest trio of girlfriends on the season opener of “The Girls Next Door,” which aired last night on E! Hef’s last set of women, Holly, Bridget and Kendra, all left to pursue careers at about the same time last year. Hef seems to have hastily replaced them with this latest set of very young women, who seemed incredibly bland and uninteresting when compared to the last three. (Remember that 1996 movie Multiplicity, in which Michael Keaton cloned himself and the copies turned out to be dumber cardboard cutouts? It was like that.)

The twins: one bland personality between the two of them
Hef’s new girls are 23 year-old former college student Crystal Harris (it’s unclear from the show whether she graduated) and 20 year-old convicted felon Floridian twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Like their predecessors, they all seem good natured and genuinely friendly. You don’t sense that there’s any cattiness or competition between them and they seem fond of each other. Unfortunately you also get the impression that they wouldn’t have much to compete over.

The most interesting thing about the twins is that they complete each other’s sentences and seem to be on the same dull wavelength. That gets old within a couple of minutes, and we were left with riveting scenes of them exercising, dyeing their little white dogs, Dolce and Chanel, pink, and frolicking naked while washing one of Hef’s classic cars for a video shoot. The twins said they ended up moving in after receiving a letter from Hef three weeks after they met him. Hef’s letter said he liked them and wanted them to be girlfriends. “We’ve been here ever since, we haven’t left.”

One of the twins explained their simple identity. “Our personality is together. Like, if I’m alone, I don’t have my full personality without her.” Crystal also explained that she doesn’t think of the twins as separate people and that “I do consider the twins one person, because they eat the same thing, they sleep in the same bed, they wear all the same clothes. They kind of have a ‘don’t care’ attitude. People either love them or they hate them. And they’re fine with that.” That pretty much sums up the twins. I don’t think they’re all that polarizing, though, because that would mean that you have to really care either way. Again, they did seem to be nice enough, and were super friendly in a scene where they signed autographs on their Playboy issues. (They even signed an issue and posed with a young boy who wasn’t yet in his teens and probably shouldn’t have access to Playboy.)

Crystal: loves Hef for his personality, likes to scrapbook
Crystal had more personality than both of the twins put together, but that’s not saying much. She seems like a good person and you could tell that she really cares for Hef. She does seem kind of awed at the lifestyle, and explained that she moved in after dating Hef for a month and that when he asked her to be a girlfriend she “got all my clothes into trash bags” and moved in. Crystal’s interests also include exercising and scrapbooking for Hef, for which she’s paid $10 an hour. “I have a regular job, I make $10 per hour in the scrapbook room. I’m not the new Holly, Holly’s the old me.”

Along with cataloging Hef’s memories, Crystal also posts message from the 83 year-old Playboy founder on Twitter. In one scene she lounges with him on a bed while she shows him their Twitter account on her iPhone. I swear she’s yelling so that he can hear her, and the scene really highlights their age difference. Crystal yells to Hef “I looked on your Twitter this morning and you have 73,000 people following you.”

Hef then tries to make a joke about it that just falls flat. “I knew there was something weird going on, I looked over my shoulder and I saw all these people following me. Creepy.” With that Crystal giggles hysterically.

Crystal explained that she likes Hef for his sense of humor and doesn’t consider the age “I never thought I’d fall for a man that is Hef’s age. Day to day life, I don’t notice his age, it isn’t a factor for me. The thing that made me fall in love with Hef is his sense of humor. I just fall in love with him more and more each day.”

Hef is probably only sleeping with Crystal
I don’t think that Hef is romantically involved with the twins, although it’s of course possible. While giving him a hug during their naked video shoot, they both angled their hips back so that they weren’t hugging him full on. There weren’t any scenes of the twins looking intimate with Hef at all. They said that he’s a great guy, though. “We love Hef. He’s smart, he’s outgoing, he’s down to earth. Hef’s a good boyfriend.”

The end of the episode was a trip to Vegas where the twins had their Playboy signing and met up with Hef’s ex girlfriend Holly at the wax museum. Holly tricked them by telling them ahead of time that they would see a wax figure of comic Carrot Top which farted when you pulled its finger. The real Carrot Top was there and they couldn’t tell the difference. Preview scenes from next week promise some drama as new head girlfriend Crystal meets Holly for the first time.

Now that I’ve been introduced to Hef’s new girlfriends, I don’t think I’ll be making many repeat visits. The last set of women all had outside interests and distinct personalities. These three just seem to be in the mansion for the company and eye candy, and frankly it’s not that entertaining. At least Hef has some companions in his old age.

Photos are from 7/17 (twins in bikinis at signing), 9/18 (fundraising for LA AIDs walk) and 10/12 (the twins’ 20th birthday at Kress restaurant in LA). Credit: WENN.com