Cindy Adams’ priceless summary of Heather Mills’ new book

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Cindy Adams really does a number on Heather Mills in today’s New York Post. Not that it’s particularly hard to go off on Heather Mills – she practically hands you the insults. It’s much more challenging not to make fun of her. Does that mean I’m going to take the high road? Not at all. The high road isn’t any fun. Plus Heather Mills has the self-awareness of a cow, and really needs to be brought down a peg. Now considering that she’s the most hated woman in the U.K. and still seems to have no idea why that is, I’m pretty sure I won’t be the one that finally gets through to her. But maybe Cindy Adams will.

Heather has decided to write a book, and Cindy Adams received a copy of the rough draft. She didn’t say who sent it, but I can only assume it was someone on Mills’ team who somehow thought it would help. Sadly pretty much everything Heather does thinking it will help only hurts her more. The book is titled, “The Unsinkable Heather Mills.” Doesn’t that already make you want to punch her in the face? I mean you probably already wanted to punch her in the face, but doesn’t that make you want to do it twice?

From the rough draft in my hands, its 17 chapters include headings like “Hitting the Floor,” “The Streets of London,” “In Front of the Cameras,” “The Real Heather Mills,” “Chris Versus Paul,” “Playing Hardball.” Opening chapter “Hitting the Stars” reports she did “Dancing With the Stars” to show how this “scandalous” Brit looked “bloody good” and could “blot out all the hateful sneering faces. . . . She had flown to America to get past the ugly tabloid headlines back home that said ‘Heather the hooker’ and ‘Bisexual Heather sold body to Arabs.’ ”

Next, her boyfriend Peter overdoses on heroin. She herself sleeps on the streets. She worked for a jeweler. She stole from the jeweler. She’s arrested. Then come paragraphs on the sex trade, naked photos, endless lying, pleasuring Arabs, being kept. Then comes her craze for status, socializing with her betters, “wanting that power for herself” and her “hope to find a rich and powerful man of her own.”

Next we get her marriage and “the speed at which Heather ended the marriage” because she found another guy. Then another guy. And another. And so on until The Tragic Accident. The narrative then osmoses into her realizing the key to power and, thus, selling that horrifying story of losing her leg for the highest newspaper bid. It included this woman Doing It in her hospital bed. It was about losing a leg but the sex being as incredible as ever. Resolved to use this newfound power, she said, “And I’ll flirt with anyone.”

[From the New York Post]

Heather’s recounting of her history sounds thoroughly self-indulgent, just like everything else about her. This woman just cannot grasp the fact that people don’t care about her. You could argue that they do, because she’s still getting press, but I think the reason she gets it is that people are fascinated that someone could be so dense. Nothing the woman could say would make anyone feel sorry for her. And that seems to be what she wants – not understanding, or even to be liked, so much as pitied.

Fast-forward. She became noticed. Did TV. Modeled. Made some money. Entertained a chorus line of lovers. In ’99 came “The Pride of Britain Awards” to those who’d showed bravery. She made a speech.

The book says she admits to being “bossy.” Convinced Paul “needed a strong woman to keep him on his toes,” we are treated to how she instructed Sir Paul The Beatle McCartney in how to sing a song. Heather began to take over. In interviews, she’d do the talking. They’d leave the studios being irritable. At each other’s throats.

[From the New York Post]

The best quote from the whole article is actually from Heather’s book. There’s no context given, but I’m assuming it was said in a self-pitying manner.

Page 209 tells us the U.K.’s David Letterman, talk-show host Jonathan Ross, has actually said, “Heather is a f – - -ing liar. I wouldn’t be surprised if we found out she’s actually got two legs.”

[From the New York Post]

That’s brilliant. From now on we’re calling her Heather “two legs” Mills. That quote is the greatest thing I’ve heard all month.

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