Ciara: Women, you don’t have to ‘give your body away’ so a guy will like you

ciara cosmo

Ciara covers the new issue of Cosmopolitan South Africa. It’s a beautiful cover shot, although I’m not crazy about her “Farrah hair” – Ciara has such a beautiful face, why do you need to cover it up with all that hair? Anyway, Ciara married Russell Wilson last July, and three months later she announced her pregnancy. Ciara and Russell reportedly waited to have sex for the first time (the first time with each other) until they were married. Russell made a big deal about how he was a man of faith and he believed in waiting, and Ciara accepted it, perhaps because she had just gotten out of a messy situation with her baby-daddy and ex-fiancé Future. So, obviously, Ciara talks about what she learned from waiting for marriage this time around. Some highlights:

She thinks abstaining from sex was the best choice: “I really believe that when you focus on a friendship, you have the opportunity to build a strong foundation for a relationship—and once you know you’re really great friends and you’re what we call ‘equally yoked,’ where you share the same values or the same outlook on life, it kind of sets the tone. Knowing that you’ll always have the friendship and that you can always go back to it is very important, and very powerful.”

Russell shared his views openly: Ciara explains how the decision came to be, saying she and Russell had a “conversation” about the “intimacy part” of life. “I have to give credit to my husband for sharing those views,” she explains. “It’s awesome how it all worked out.”

How abstinence works: “Here’s how it works. We women think with our hearts and with our minds. When we see a guy, we envision what he’s like and whether this could be something special. Guys see us from an exterior point of view—that’s something I learnt along the way as a woman. It’s important to have a friendship. It’s important to have standards. You shouldn’t feel like you have to give your body away to get someone to like you.”

[From E! News]

I believe in “you do you.” If abstaining worked for Ciara and Russell, God bless and Godspeed to them. But when it becomes something you’re advising and recommending to other people, I do have to nitpick a little bit. Friendship is super-important in a relationship and I totally understand why people want that base of friendship before they take the next step. But when you’re an adult – when you’re in your 20s and 30s – you also know the importance of a physical connection and intimacy. Why would adults in this day and age want to marry someone that they haven’t “tested out” in bed? You can be best friends with your boyfriend and if he’s a dud in the sack, would you still marry him? Wouldn’t that change your relationship and wouldn’t you want to know before you married him?

I also hate the whole “you shouldn’t feel like you have to give your body away to get someone to like you.” That’s a good message for young women, for sure, to teach them to respect themselves and their bodies. But I hate the language of “give your body away.” Many women like sex just as much as men. Many women don’t think of sex as giving themselves away, like they’re being used up, like sex is a finite resource. This idea is so outdated, that all men are visual animals who will f—k anyone attractive and that it’s the woman’s responsibility to “respect herself” and say no.

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Photos courtesy of WENN, cover courtesy of Cosmo South Africa.

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58 Responses to “Ciara: Women, you don’t have to ‘give your body away’ so a guy will like you”

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  1. African Sun says:

    My God Ciara is looking drop-dead gorgeous in that picture. He is absolutely gorgeous as well.

    Future has to be salty that she found someone with a solid career, more money than him and better looking than him – stay pressed!

    I think Ciara’s heart was in the right place with the comments and she did not mean any harm by them. Also the interview was for Cosmo South Africa so it is geared towards a more traditional audience – nothing wrong with either view in my opinion.

    Love her!

    • V4Real says:

      Sorry, double post.

      • Carryon says:

        That may be the reason for her born again virgin phase. When everybody looks at you and treat you as a sex symbol, i assume it would be very relaxing to just have a relationship with no sexual ‘expectations’. The problem with her is, she seems to think it is the same for every woman which is not true. Many women do not look at sex as some kind of a duty but rather just plain fun. Good luck to her though. If it works for her, great!

      • V4Real says:

        What I was trying to say but it got lost was that I think Ciara is speaking from experience. It was longtime rumored that she was used for sex in the industry by men in the music business such as 50 Cents with the promise of a great and long career if she slept with them.

  2. Yup, Me says:

    She sounds like when someone is a new convert to a religion and they’re all kinds of extra (and lacking nuance or a capacity for complexity) for the initial phase.

    Clearly this information was a revelation for her since she was trying to be with Future who is (and was) terribly messy.

  3. QQ says:

    What if, say, like me you ENJOY giving your body away, cause HEY you like sex and have zero hangups about the thing and you want to in fact have Good fun sex as much as possible?? Then abstaining or the thought of that kind of relationship Voluntary or not is TORTURE *eyerolls* I mean Cute for you and your Corny dad dude Ciara, i applaud ya’ll got in one accord about it all and really what a glow up and a relief must be for her after essentially dating the Patron Saint of Lean and F*ckboys But sex for a single grown woman in this date and age is a personal best practices type of situation at best

    • African Sun says:

      You didn’t say patron saint of lean lmao!

    • Snazzy says:

      Exactly this. This whole thing makes me ragey – as though as woman we are somehow giving something away, or losing something, if we have sex. There are women with zero hangups who enjoy it, so why should they be have to hold themselves back? To each his own, I say

    • The Original Mia says:

      You are my hero, QQ!

    • Mp says:

      But what if she meant this for people that do this in order to be liked by guys? Like girls that think that by “giving up” they will be more liked…? (Obvs I’m not talking about people that own their sexuality 🙆)

      • burnsie says:

        That’s how I took it too, MP. That she was addressing people who go further than they’re comfortable with for pressure, social reasons, dating reasons, etc etc. I didn’t take this as standing on a soapbox and preaching

      • Moneypenny says:

        YES. This is exactly what I thought. We all know (or knew) those people. She’s not talking about women who own their sexuality. She is saying you don’t have to have sex to get someone to like you. That is literally what she said–I don’t see how people are disagreeing with that. If you want to have sex because you want to have sex, go for it. If you’re doing it so a guy will like you, don’t do it.

        I think she’s probably gearing this message to a younger crowd.

    • senna says:

      I’m actually crying, I am laughing so hard. “Corny dad dude” vs “patron Saint of Lean” is almost too much hilarity for one comment.

    • Snowflake says:

      I wish I was like you when I was single. I always felt guilty after having a one night stand. I had a very conservative Baptist upbringing, with the type of things Ciara is saying, repeated over and over. And that type of thinking is still present today, with men sleeping around but then calling women hos after they sleep with them. I’m glad you dont have those hangups. I think if I had felt freer to have casual sex, and not felt guilty, it would have kept from being in a so so relationship so i could have regular sex without feeling guilty. I hate the message Ciara is giving out.

      • QQ says:

        If i can Impart a pearl of wisdom to you from breaking apart from a Very Catholic prudish upbring are the following truth things:

        *If You’re grown safe willing and able- Go On girl, That sh*t doesn’t have a mile marker (This was what My aunt told me in my 20s)

        *Good sex when you are in control of your wants and wishes Is delicious, If no one is paying them bills for you they can tut tut all they want, You still aren’t missing any coins or f*cks for THEIR opinions

        * Lastly re: Guys calling one a Hoe; Listen Darling That’s actually the one where I absolutely reply back: So I’m a Hoe But the premise of this call/text/encounter is you seeking me/blowing my phone/stalking me online so what does THAT Make YOU? My Lapdog or my fellow hoe?? *eyerolls* ( enacted block too cause what you deny assbackward dudes like that is pleasure of your delightful company, as we all know the next bus is coming in 15 mins if you so chose *shrugs*)

    • Bridget says:

      But really, are Cosmo’s readers actual grown women? I don’t know anyone who read it outside of high school/college, and I think it’s an appropriate message for that viewpoint (as well as other sex-positive messages)

      • Moneypenny says:

        Exactly. This is Cosmo, people. I haven’t read Cosmo since college. I think people are personally feeling like Ciara is “slut-shaming” them and I don’t think that was her goal. She’s talking to young women who are learning about sex and themselves that you don’t HAVE to have sex with people or have sex with someone mainly for the other person.

    • Otaku Fairy says:

      Yeah, that condescending sexist little commentary is really the only problem I see with her message (and it’s also the kind of thing that adds to the assumptions some progressives make about any person practicing those types of values having something backward and misogynistic going on). Concepts like ‘self-respect’ and feminism often get manipulatively co-opted and twisted by people with sex-negative and victim-blaming agendas to mean ‘Anything that involves women rejecting some conservative belief/traditional value I have about sexuality and gender= exploitation, objectification, and female without self-respect.” Don’t fall for it. Self-respect and sexual modesty are not the same thing or two things that come in pairs like a q and a u.
      Also, having sex + being a woman does not equal ‘giving your body away’. That’s just another fucked up patriarchal message about women being property. Women who have sex still own their bodies just as much as women who don’t or haven’t, and vice versa.

      • detritus says:

        I agree with everything you’ve said here. The ‘giving away’ your body is some purity ball nonsense.

        Ciara’s like a recent convert evangelizing about The Truth. Except she hasn’t seemed realised yet that is HER truth. Not everyone elses.

        I worry that the push towards chastity does more harm than good. It’s denying women their natural desires, which more research is showing is stronger than male desire.

        Women get bored easier and want sex and orgasms just as much, its society telling us that we are being taken advantage of by having sex. Or that our value is linked somehow to the number of partners we have had or haven’t had.

    • Sixer says:

      LOL! Yes. The imaginary sex I have with my internet celebrity boyfriends (cos I’m old, haggard and married now, so my only actual sex is with Mr Sixer*) never involves me GIVING them anything. It’s mostly taking and I mostly make them wear a ball gag because I have no interest in anything they have to say AT ALL.

      *Also, if I told Mr Sixer that I was giving my body to him, he would piss himself laughing.

      • third ginger says:

        Sixer, I spit some popcorn. I’m far too old for the internet boyfriends. I actually have to go back in time. One of my first crushes just died, the wonderful Robert Vaughn.

  4. Mimz says:

    I totally agree with you Kaiser. Hands down.

    You. Do. You.

    I believe in testing waters multiple times before marriage. And im in my 30s. And celibate for longer than i care to admit hahaha. But good for her too if it worked for her. It is possible. Just not for me.

  5. minx says:

    Ugh, I don’t care about what she did or didn’t do, but does she need to talk about it all the time?

  6. detritus says:

    Each to their own, Ciara. I support your choices, and hope you support other womens.

    I do find the push on women to behave and act a certain way about sex distressing. We should be able to form our own sexual identities, and demand satisfaction the same way men do.

    When I was in highschool the guys all wanted girlfriends who would act like pornstars. It doesn’t seem this has changed much, and the result was a lot of girls who wanted to be wanted.

    When your entire value has been distilled to your sexuality, and your sexuality is only valuable when it is shaped in a way to appeal to men, it creates this push towards inauthentic desires and a performative sexuality that does not benefit women.

    I wish we were given the space and respect to express our desires more freely, and I desperately wish young girls didn’t feel such a need to be ‘the hottest’. I hope this is where Ciara is coming from, not a sex is bad unless you are married perspective.

    • Ramona says:

      This x10000000000000000

      And especially this part “your entire value has been distilled to your sexuality, and your sexuality is only valuable when it is shaped in a way to appeal to men, it creates this push towards inauthentic desires and a performative sexuality that does not benefit women”.

      I saw a study that tracked bedroom practices gauged against the sexual pleasure disaggregated by male and female. They found that people who had seen pornography were more likely to be engaging in a bunch of stuff that you can probably guess if you have ever seen what passes as vanilla on a standard adult site. Unsurprisingly, they found that fewer women than men reported physical pleasure from the activities. Their pay off seemed to be that they had “pleased him”. They found that only a tiny percentage of women even reported orgasm from a lot of those activities. And yet every few years other studies keep showing those same activities as becoming increasingly more prevalent. Why? Performative sexuality.

      People taking issue with Ciaras wording need to realise that for a lot of women, especially girls and younger women, sex really is “giving ones self away”. Its trying to stay on trend, trying not to make waves, avoiding rejection for not putting out, avoiding rejection for not doing it as the adult industry proposes, avoiding rejection for not following the latest trends in hair grooming et cetera. I think in todays Western society this is a much much bigger problem than the stiffling of the female sexual drive.

      • detritus says:

        I’m not shocked about the porn study, anything you watch has an impact on your psyche in strange and weird ways. It’s nice to see research being done in that area.

        The more you expose yourself to certain behaviours the more you begin to subconsciously think they are normal. Porn that normalises violence, creates more desire for violent sex.

        Researchers have done something like this with attraction too, and you can skew how attractive someone finds their partner by showing them pictures of very attractive, medium, and unattractive. extrapolating on those ideas, it would be likely that porn acts to normalize certain sizes and age of women (barely legal, tiny teens etc) and certain behaviours (wtf is up with how mainstream choke porn is?).

        I think performative sexuality and the stifling of authentic desire go hand in hand. Opposite sides of a very dangerous coin if you will.

        Stifling authentic female sexuality, and disallowing us a voice, thats where things become dangerous. Then being sexual becomes about pleasing the man, and then comes the ‘giving yourself away’.

        I think its really hard for teen girls to hear the message from their peers ‘____ is normal and hot’, and from their parents and elders ‘don’t give yourself away’.

        There is nowhere left for what the young women want, and they end up torn between the two and ignoring their own needs.

      • Eden75 says:

        I would like to know what the age category was for the happy to please him ladies. Were they younger, or old hats at this like some of us? From discussions with the ladies I know, we have all gone through at least 2 phases in our sexuality, and no two have had the same story, nor has it happened at the same ages. Also, I would be interested to know, who was the party that brought the p0rn into the bedroom? Him or her?

        So many questions.

  7. Bridget says:

    Think about who Cosmo’s readers are, though – younger women who may need to hear this message. As for the rest, it sounds like Ciara hasn’t had the best time with men and is just talking to herself.

  8. Locke Lamora says:

    She’s one of those celebrities whose beauty everyone praises, but I just don’t see it.

    They do seem to be talking about their sex life a lot.

    • Bridget says:

      Ciara came to a friend’s workplace, and is apparently just stunning in person. I mean, to each their own, and if you don’t see it you don’t see it.

      • Mary mary says:

        Agree with this. Last fall, Ciara stopped in at the Downtown Seattle Nordstrom for a brand promotion and the same comment was made: that in person she is stunning and her pictures don’t do her justice.

  9. JA says:

    You do you for sure. But the fact that both were sexually active prior to becoming born again virgins and “waiting” kinda makes my eyes roll especially when spouting her views on real love and how sex isn’t important to relationships.

    Sounds like she/he got hurt by some nasty exes and her/his previous relationships were purely sexual so they opted to try something different and it worked.

    But yea, no thanks.

  10. Jess says:

    I’m torn on what she said, or the way she said. I agree that women shouldn’t feel like they have to have sex with a guy so he’ll like her, but yeah the whole “giving your body away” makes it sound archaic and a little preachy. I’m all for women making choices for themselves and their bodies, if you want to have sex right away go for it, if you want to wait until marriage that’s great too. I’m in the middle. I had a 3 month rule in my 20′s when I was dating, I noticed by month 3 that I could figure out if things were going anywhere or if the guy was a douche, people don’t usually let their guard down right away and at times I’d look back and regret being intimate with someone, so I made it a rule to not sleep with anyone until 3 months or later! For me, sex clouded my judgment and attachment to people, and some men couldn’t handle the rule and bailed, obviously everyone is different, but the rule saved me from some serious jerks, and I ended up being celibate for over 4 years, lol.

    • VirgiliaCoriolanus says:

      LOL, Jess! That is what my mom did! Of course, her reason was that she was surrounded by a lot of dudes who treated black women purely as one night stands/sex objects ……..but were nice in the beginning……..so when she was 19/20/21/etc and in the military…….that is what she would do. She would brush them off, and usually by month 3, they wouldn’t talk to her anymore.

      • Jess says:

        Awe, that makes me sad and happy. It’s awful the way black women were treated, much respect to her for sticking up for herself and not allowing that to happen, she deserved better and knew it!! ❤️

    • Ramona says:

      I subscribe to something similar. I have had phases where I wasnt looking for something serious, in which case I just scratched my itch and moved on. But when I was looking, I made the choice to have a grace period. And sure enough, some guy would be claiming to be falling for me one day and then two months later, pouting like a toddler, only to eventually ghost. It was such a great learning experience. I saw guys who just didnt respect my choice, guys who only cared for their own needs, guys who browbeat, pressured and mansplained just to get some, guys who showed me they had no self control and guys I realised jI coukd never trust in a long term relationship if I was ever unable to provide sex. I didnt sleep with my husband until about six months of a pretty heavy relationship, best decision I ever made!

      Obviously, every woman should make her own choices but if you are aiming for long term committment I fully endorse the give-it-time approach.

  11. Helonearth says:

    Anyone who tells you sex isn’t important in a relationship is an idiot. If the sex is bad, your friendship with your partner will turn sour very quickly.

    You should wait if you are concerned that you are being used just for sex and want more, but don’t get married before you know if you are sexually compatible.

  12. Jeesie says:

    I don’t care if you wait for marriage or if you’re celibate all your life (though on that note, I don’t need to hear the details of your lack of sex life anymore than I’d need to hear of the sex you’re you’re having, it’s all the same level of TMI).

    But the term ‘give your body away’ is revolting and misogynistic. I don’t ‘give’ my body to anyone, my body is mine and remains mine whatever I happen to be doing with it. Sex is not a gift I bestow on a man. What a sad way to view something that should be a pleasure.

  13. Stadun says:

    As a person that girls look up to, I like that she is saying that it’s important to 1) base a relationship in friendship, not sex. And 2) girls (I’m thinking age here, not gender) don’t have to spread to get a guy’s attention or affection.
    I do believe that every person should live together (& share that level of intamacy) before marriage. Sex and all. In this particular instance I like being the one to have that mature, frank conversation with my “girl”. I really, truly don’t want Swifty & her tweeness OR Fifty Shades of Grey being where my daughter looks for guidance on healthy relationships. There is a huge amount of difference between Ciara’s message & Bristol Palin’s message. The underlying message is approximately the same, but the delivery makes all the difference. I would take Ciara’s message 1000 times before I’d ever even glance at any Palin’s opinion.
    Ultimately they are all just opinions tho…and we all know about those…

    • Otaku Fairy says:

      But I also think the way she, some of the conservative feministy types, and the right assume that sexuality is something we young women and women in general do out of a lack of self-respect or ‘just to get men to like you’ (heteronormative much?) is more based on their own misogyny, gender stereotypes, and patriarchal beliefs about sexuality than actual facts though. It comes from some dangerous, violent, and dehumanizing old beliefs about human worth and the idea every woman is a naturally sexually modest, virginal being who just wants love, whose emotional/mental well-being is dependent on chastity, and who would only engage in what some deem ‘sexual immorality’ because of desperation for male approval or a lack of self-respect/ horrible damage, etc. Of course people who believe the objectifying rape culture myth that a woman’s human worth, value, and respectability go down the more she is seen or touched (especially by men who aren’t her husband) are going to automatically think the woman who doesn’t live by their values has got to be damaged and lacking in self-respect that she’s ‘willing to give up her worth and respectability’. They see that woman as ‘giving up her worth and respectability’- not as a human being with agency acting on her own desires, curiosities, and beliefs. The conservative male fantasy of deflowering a bride (preferably one who will be submissive to him) has probably been given more priority, validation, and power in society than any other stereotypical male fantasy.

      • Snowflake says:

        Yeah, totally agree with you. There was a guy at my job who slept with anyone who would let him. Quit, went overseas for awhile and came back with a wife. When someone said, oh, you couldn’t find a woman here? He was like, no, they are Kardashian like. He married some very innocent woman who got pregnant by him and brought her over here. I hear he cheats on her all the time. I really don’t get that mindset of some men, I can have all the p@ssy I want but my significant other had better be damnnear a virgin. Apparently for men like him, a woman with sexual experience has no worth but a man still does. Smh!

  14. HarajukuBarbie says:

    I think it depends on the person. Some people are more sexually driven and need more sexual compatibility than others. I also think the idea of needing to test drive for sexual compatibility is overrated. Of the sexual partners that I’ve had only a couple I would say I was incompatible with and those I did not like much. Two people who are open and willing to communicate can learn to please each other.

  15. BobaFelty says:

    I agree that if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you need to set boundaries up front when dating so you don’t accidentally fall into a ‘friends with benefits’ only situation.

    However, I grew up in a really Christian conservative area and know lots of classmates that waited until marriage for sex. The overwhelming majority of them have terrible sex lives that they complain about all the time. They thought the marriage would get rid of all the hang-ups about sex, but it didn’t. I can’t tell you how often I hear the wives complaining that they want kid #2 or #3, but don’t want to start having sex with their husband more than once a month tops.

  16. senna says:

    I can’t with her gender essentialism and sexual double-standards.

    Should women know they have value beyond being sex objects? Yes. Is celibacy until marriage the only way to achieve a healthy sexual and romantic relationship? No.

    Will not having sex initially weed out some of the creeps who only want sex? Yes. Will it run the risk of coupling together people who are sexually incompatible, who can’t know that until they have sex? Yes. Friendship is extremely important in a relationship. Sex is also extremely important.

    I think there’s a lot of potential harm in Ciara’s well-intentioned message. While there’s nothing wrong with abstaining from sex on your own terms, whatever the reasoning, there’s everything wrong with pretending all men and all women have different, asymmetrical sexual priorities, and implying all proper women and all men fit these roles. There’s everything wrong with using the metaphor of “giving your body away” to a man, devaluing it, it’s implied, when a man is not understood to “give his body away” to a woman, and is not considered to be devalued by sexual acts. I’m sure there’s many women who want hot NSA sex, and many men who want romance and long-term commitment along with sex in a committed partnership.

    Repeating these tired old tropes in 2017 does nothing to support and understand people who fall outside stereotypical gender and sexual roles. And that’s a LOT of people to not consider.

    • third ginger says:

      Bravo to you. These ancient messages about the genders were what we heard in my girlhood. I am 64. Luckily, my beautiful gay daughter who is 24 grew up in a better world. She has degrees in anthropology and gender studies.

  17. kimbers says:

    Didnt she sleep around with a bunch if producers back in the day? Is she preaching from life lessons?

  18. sirokese says:

    Good for Ciara, seems it worked out well with her husband.

    I once had a good friend and I was not at all sexually attracted to him. We spent a lot of time together, since I was single at the time. He became more and affectionate and he had a lot of things going for him, a really good friend.

    Finally, we spent 1 night together. Absolute disaster, I have never experienced anyone like him.
    After that, I cut off his affectionateness, never told him why (since there was nothing he could have done about it) and soon he became spiteful and we were no longer „friends“.

    Had I married him after abstinence for the matter of having standards, I would have been in a relationship with zero sexuall satisfaction and accordingly being physically frustrated with all the side effects.

    I think, being only physicaly combative is not a guarantee for a healthy relationship, but without it is a guarentee for failure, unless one is non sexual, which also happens.

  19. Slowsnow says:

    I can only imagine their honeymoon night: 2 seconds.

  20. Naddie says:

    We can never win, can’t we? Going too fast, going too slow… The only thing I’d preach to my young niece is that she doesn’t have to do anything in order to be liked by a guy. The main issue is that we are way too much analyzed through the sexual lenses, and yeah, I blame men and their sexist point of view at the most.
    Ciara is only talking about one situation cause it’s probably the one she’s been through.

  21. I Choose Me says:

    But I hate the language of “give your body away.” Many women like sex just as much as men. Many women don’t think of sex as giving themselves away, like they’re being used up, like sex is a finite resource. This idea is so outdated, that all men are visual animals who will f—k anyone attractive and that it’s the woman’s responsibility to “respect herself” and say no.

    ^This! All day and twice on Sunday. Lack of sex, intimacy and or sexual incompatibility can also be deemed ‘unequally yoked. ‘

    So I’m happy she’s happy but this business of welp, it worked for me so it ought to work for everyone type of advice, just gets an eye-roll from me.

  22. A says:

    I think that friendship is nice, and I appreciate the sentiment that you shouldn’t be with someone who expects things of you that you’re not comfortable doing (this extends to other things as much as it does to sex imo), but I really really loathe the phrasing. The phrasing behind it is what gives away the actual driving sentiment here, and that’s what makes me pissed as hell. The idea of women “giving away” something of themselves is sooo rooted in this idea that women are property, that their attributes (like “virginity”) are tangible things that can be given or taken away. That’s why I hate this sentiment, and why I seriously squint at anyone who expresses this sentiment. They can dress it up however they like in order to avoid the backlash, but it always comes down to the same thing, and that’s this idea that as women, we are objects. It’s objectification of a different variety, and that’s what pisses me off about this debate.

    I’m not a “jewel” that needs to be preserved, I’m not a “treasure” that must only go to the worthy, I’m not whatever other idiotic non-sentient object people want to compare me to in order to discuss my worth. It’s dehumanizing. My body can’t be “given” or “taken away.” Unless it’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

    • A says:

      Also, I just wanted to say something about the “no sex before marriage thing.” I think it’s far less about how “good” someone is in bed, and far more about the level of respect and intimacy that someone will have for you when you are having sex with them. I think the conversation always focuses on someone’s “talent” and how you can gauge that if you don’t have sex with them before marriage, but lbr, if you’re into it and you suck, you can always improve right?

      But if you’re disrespectful to your partner, and you’re selfish, and you don’t listen to their needs in favour of your own, and you’re in a relationship where you’re unable to have the conversation that needs to take place to resolve this issue–those are the sorts of things that can potentially wreak havoc in a relationship. If you care about someone and how they feel, even if you’re not doing so great the first few times, you can always get better. But if you’ve never even broached the conversation prior to marriage, and suddenly it’s an issue, and you still have no idea how to talk about it or if you do and you don’t feel listened to, well, that’s what causes problems.

    • Naddie says:

      “I’m not a “jewel” that needs to be preserved, I’m not a “treasure” that must only go to the worthy, I’m not whatever other idiotic non-sentient object people want to compare me to in order to discuss my worth.”

      This, a thousand times. This is why I almost puked when a guy was telling me that his religion treats women as “rare pearls, beautiful diamond”. And then they call us “crazy feminazi who can’t appretiate chilvary and kindness”. F*@k them, I’m gonna write what u said here on my wall.

  23. Pandy says:

    Isn’t this the same Ciara who shows up everywhere in a flimsy toga gels together with a safety pin? I guess baring her body for media attention isn’t the same as baring it for male attention… cough.

  24. Ash says:

    1..2..3 GO TANGENT

    GIRL….ciara….. who are you fooling. every guy she gets with she morphs to form to a narrative that fits the new image of whomever shes with. With bow wow she was a r&b dainty princess, with 50 cent she was a Gansta’s girlfriend, with Amare she was a basketball socialite fashionista. She definitely was singin more sexually liberating songs with future (though I thought he was ridic) and for a while I said i like this ciara embracing her sexuality and owning her image….then she says stuff like this.

    Also it doesnt work when you’ve already gone the untraditional route (baby by a dude who wasnt a great partner to begin with) then baby, then rebound relationship back to back, to which i would never judge because abstinence and marriage have never been driver for me….. why cant women just not slutshame, downplay, overplay, chastise, religicize (yea i made that word up) sex…. its activity to do if you want to, end of story. Have fun be safe, and do it on your own terms. Sex is not some precious diamond, sapphire only to be given to the prince charming who kisses you and awakens you from your sleep BS crap she’s judgmentally shilling.

    A guy who, we had a fun time, once screamed over the phone that I was a whore, when i just wanted to bang and be done just once and have no relationship….he said what women would give her body away like that. I said probably one who just realizes that sex is a fun rigorous activity to be equal effort for both (or multi for some) parties…. sorry ciara just struck a nerve on her new wave preachy ish.

  25. Hiccup says:

    I honestly don’t think she’s speaking about how women should repress their sexuality, I think she’s coming from a place of “don’t mistake love for Sex and get really hurt”, something I and many women I know have had to learn, some of us had self esteem issues, hooked up with guys who were in to porn or a lot older etc, expected love but had no idea what we were really getting / in for. It can shape your perception of yourself a lot unfortunately I can see why she wanted something else if that was her experience. Not sure if it will last though, I mean I wouldn’t marry someone without serious testing first..