Gremlin Jeff Sessions will be lying his ass off in a Senate hearing today

2016 Republican National Convention

Did you know that I try to do impressions? It’s true. I’m not going to say that I’m a world-class mimic, but I can do some accents and impressions pretty well. I’ve been working on my Jeff Sessions impression, which is basically an exaggerated Scarlett O’Hara mixed with a dash of Foghorn Leghorn. I’ll need to watch Sessions’ testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee today to get it just right. Sessions apparently wanted/agreed to this Senate appearance being an open hearing (as opposed to closed to the public). Everyone seems to feel like Sessions’ appearance won’t be the bombshell, must-watch hearing like James Comey’s testimony last week. But I bet Sessions still makes a lot of news. Here’s some stuff to look for:

Sessions has already perjured himself. During his Senate confirmation, Sessions lied his ass off about meetings with various Russian officials, including Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak. James Comey heavily insinuated last week that Sessions had further undisclosed meetings with Kislyak. The Atlantic has the breakdown and timeline of the Sessions-Kislyak stuff here. Sessions will be getting a lot of questions about these meetings specifically.

Will Sessions resign? Eh. Sessions has already “recused” himself from involvement in the DOJ/FBI investigation into Trump-Russia. Of course, that recusal means next to nothing, especially considering Sessions was part of the decision-making process to fire James Comey. Sessions has reportedly offered his resignation to Trump a few times already, and reportedly Trump is considering firing Sessions anyway. You know why? Because Trump is still pissed that Sessions recused himself and that Sessions can’t single-handedly shut down the investigation into Mike Flynn and Russia.

What will Sessions say about Comey? Comey had some really harsh things to say about Sessions in the open hearing and closed hearing. According to Axios, Sessions will likely dispute Comey’s accounts of several of those conversations, like the time Comey asked Sessions to never leave him alone with Trump.

The Preet Bharara situation. Bharara was a US Attorney/federal prosecutor fired by Trump and Sessions (as Bharara was investigating Trump). He went on a Sunday show this weekend to describe how Trump tried to cozy up to him and call him (just like Trump did to Comey). I imagine Sessions will be getting several questions about Bharara’s claims. I imagine they’ll also ask Sessions about the new ProPublica story about how Trump’s personal lawyer has been bragging about how he got Trump to fire Bharara.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Getty.

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84 Responses to “Gremlin Jeff Sessions will be lying his ass off in a Senate hearing today”

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  1. Bros says:

    He looks like a mash up of gary oldman as dracula and a bichon frise.

    • Kristen820 says:

      Ahahahahahaha!!!

    • Cannibell says:

      You win the Internet today.

    • Manzur says:

      There are SO many other things to comment on besides appearance. Can we just stop? It brings the discussion down to junior high level. And YES i KNOW Trump has picked on physical appearance but does that mean we ALL have to now too? Is that mature reasoning? I despise that. Who cares what Sessions looks like? Who cares what about his accent? Just because the mean kids on the playground throw insults about appearance around does not mean the entire school should start. It dumbs down the conversation. Ivanka sleeps with her father. Eric Trump is ugly. Melanie sounds funny. Trump is Cheeto. There. Now we’re all five years old. It’s like a bad Saturday Night Live skit. Funny for the first 10 seconds and then lame and groan worthy as it drones on. Let’s all rise above. We are too good for this.

  2. Kristen820 says:

    “I’ve been working on my Jeff Sessions impression, which is basically an exaggerated Scarlett O’Hara mixed with a dash of Foghorn Leghorn.”

    Quote of the day :-D

    • anon says:

      You don’t even realize, this is one of the reasons why the Democrats don’t win rural and southern voters, right? Would you make fun of an urban black accent? I’m hoping not. Then why would you make fun of how Jeff Sessions speaks? He represents the area he grew up in. When did it become so fashionable for the Democratic Party to make fun of poor, or rural whites? You do realize the Democratic Party is now seen to represent only urban minorities and rich and upper middle class whites, thanks to this attitude, right?

  3. Rapunzel says:

    Sessions should never have been AG in the first place. This is what happens when you don’t take Coretta Scott King’s advice.

    • ORIGINAL T.C. says:

      Amen!

      The two women senators silenced were trying to save America. Elizabeth Warren let you know Sessions is a brand A racists who will go after Black people as AG. She was right.

      Kamela Harris tried to make Rosenstein promise that he would not fire the special counsel Mueller if Trump asked him to. She was silenced. Yeah, we need to listen to the voices of women senators to save our country.

      • DystopianDance says:

        Oh. This is my worst nightmare- Kamala was nearly silenced AGAIN today. This man is a vicious little Gremlin, no foghorn leghorn here. He was so slimy, I had a bad day :(

      • anon says:

        Kamala Harris needs to stop interrupting people when they try to answer her questions. She’s started grandstanding, instead of doing her job. I’ve always loved her but enough of people grandstanding and playing to the base, to be president. Just do your job and be polite. I’ve been called out several times in the past for interrupting people and guess what, I learnt it was rude and stopped it.

  4. PunkyMomma says:

    This coward wouldn’t be testifying in an open hearing unless he had all his bases covered with Trump. Foghorn Leghorn gave up a powerful senatorial seat to become AG, and he’s not stepping down anytime soon. I expect him to call Comey as well as Preet Bharara liars.

    In the past Cheeto Covfefe Mussolini has had his band of minions double-down on their alternative facts, and I expect no less today.

    • Rachel says:

      In open session, he can always toss out the excuse that he can’t answer because it would involve disclosing classified information or what not.

    • swak says:

      There are also reports out there that executive privilege may be invoked. So good luck with getting any thing out there of substance. But Trump will declare that he has be “very vindicated” because of Session’s testimony.

      • DystopianDance says:

        the POTEC (president of the electoral college) will surely claim this as a win. His little gremlin Spinion lied his ears off. IT wouldn’t answer any substantive question, so why did it happen atall.

  5. adastraperaspera says:

    I think Sessions Is looking forward to testifying. I look for him to use his answers to craft a narrative that claims the Dear Leader Tr*mp is under siege and must be saved by “patriots” such as himself. He will most likely also claim that our intelligence and judiciary institutions are rife with corruption. He will want to get as many (false but inflammatory) sound bites on record to then be spun by Breitbart, Fox, and other anti-democratic media. Oh, and of course he will mention Hillary’s emails and Loretta Lynch’s chat on the plane with Bill Clinton.

    • Dallas says:

      He didn’t mention either… Never let a southern drawl fool you.

      • DystopianDance says:

        He basically acted like a mini pearl clutcher just APPALLED by the IMPROPER allegation of his criminality, as he’s served as dogged patriot for over 50 years blah blah blah (despite having been ostracized during the enlightened years). Ugh. The Spinons of the POTEC (president of the electoral college) are all gremlins.

  6. third ginger says:

    I love the idea of Kaiser practicing the accent. For that, everyone needs to visit my relatives, cozily retired In Auburn, ALA. where they play the football!!

  7. Rapunzel says:

    Sessions is too smart to lie anymore. I think he knows he’s on thin ice. My guess? They’ll be lots of “can’t recall” and “don’t remember” or “can’t talk about that in an open setting” in his testimony today.

  8. kaye says:

    dude needs to be thrown in jail already, or at least crawl back into the Dixie Cup from whence he came…

  9. Clare says:

    This shit is starting to terrify me – how is it that he has perjured himself to zero consequences? How is it that the president (intentional small p), keeps telling lies and there are zero consequences. How is it that these a-holes are breaking laws left and right…yet nothing happens? How are they untouchable? Scary shit.

    • SusanneToo says:

      How is it…. Because we have a stupid and/or uninformed and/or selfish and/or unengaged electorate who have allowed corrupt Rethugs to control the country.

    • ORIGINAL T.C. says:

      Because all branches of government are controlled by the GOP. Even the Supreme Court is heavily weighted conservative. The consequences of progressives not coming out in force to vote. Even if you think HRC was the devil, Dems and independence could have voted for Democratic members of congress. But they didn’t. People’s hatred for HRC allowed Trump and his corrupt cabinet to come to power. Trump would never have won if more citizens paid attention and showed up to vote.

      Nothing can be done until enough Democrats are voted back into office in 2018.

    • DystopianDance says:

      Take heed. The FEDERAL GOV’MT is infested with Spinions who are beholden to the evil POTEC (President of the electoral college). HOWEVER, the important states are taking action. Virgina anyone? We all need some good news. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/attorney-generals-sue-trump-constitution-violation-article-1.3239837

    • anon says:

      Maybe because he isn’t telling lies?

  10. Shambles says:

    Pretty much. Anytime I hear or read someone say Jeff sessions is scheduled to “testify,” i’m like… No, he’s going to perjure himself.

  11. Ashamed 2 b a Fl girl says:

    I’m starting to feel sorry for Sergey Kislyak…I mean, absolutely NO ONE remembers meeting this guy. That has got to be demoralizing.

    • LittlestRoman says:

      *snort*

    • DystopianDance says:

      Sadly HE’S A MAFIOSO CELEBRITY because he was photographed in the oval office, THE DAY AFTER COMEY WAS FIRED, getting some loving’ from the POTUS (president of the electoral college)

  12. Moec says:

    Jeff Sessions is more of a Keebler Elf to me…..

  13. BeamMeUpScottie says:

    Politico has a really funny video of Schumer and his team mocking that cabinet meeting yesterday. :-)

    • smcollins says:

      Ugh! Wasn’t that just the most disgusting display of….I don’t know what! 🤢

      • third ginger says:

        Yes. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Both, I guess. For Trump supporters who think we [and the media] are nit-picking, I ask, is this not a glimpse into Trump’s twisted soul?

      • BeamMeUpScottie says:

        I know, right? This is reminiscent of the kind of thing you see in movies about the mafia or third world dictators.

        On another note, Schumer is defintely a shoo-in :-) for a comedy gig if he decides to start another career.

  14. Lightpurple says:

    Preet Bharara has been tweeting about this for the past few days & will probably live tweet Sessions testimony. He is brilliant and scathingly funny

  15. adastraperaspera says:

    Hearing just starting now. His wife is seated behind and looks very angry and stressed out. Good sign!

    • SusanneToo says:

      He didn’t look too happy either. He just invoked “the Lord.” LOL

      • jwoolman says:

        He apparently said ” I will respond to questions as well as the Lord allows me to do so.” I assume he is referring to his Lord and Master, President Tweeter.

  16. SusanneToo says:

    Lying his ass off in his opening statement. Now invoking the good ol’ boys club,

    Wish Henry Gibson was still around to play him in All the Presidents’ Men 2.0.

  17. adastraperaspera says:

    Best live tweet so far from Eric Garland:

    Eric Garland‏Verified account @ericgarland 39s39 seconds ago

    “Sessions: William Faulkner returned from the grave to write mah Southern stream of conscience narrative Yawknapatawntha County!”

  18. SusanneToo says:

    For crying out loud, now he’s blathering on about his lock ‘em up philosophy.

  19. adastraperaspera says:

    As I said this morning in my comment, Sessions is already in his opening statement claiming that he and Tru*mp are suffering from false attacks.

  20. Magnoliarose says:

    Bo Jefferey lies. He keeps insisting he knows nothing. Sure sure

  21. SusanneToo says:

    Sessions is so forgetful he belongs in assisted living, not government. Otherwise, we might suspect him of flatout LYING.

    • adastraperaspera says:

      If I had a shot every time I’ve heard Sessions say “I can’t recall” so far I would have alcohol poisoning by now.

  22. SusanneToo says:

    Well, the Rethugs are doing their CYA part as they are wont to do.

  23. SusanneToo says:

    The hearing so far: the Dems know he’s lying every time his lips flap and are disgusted, the Rethugs pitch softballs like “What Comey said didn’t really happen, did it, jeffy, say it didn’t, now.”

  24. Guest says:

    I got home put the tv on to just relax a bit and guess who was on. I thought it was only being carried by the cable network. I watched a little – then I put it on mute eventually I turned it. I give you all credit, I cannot sit I watch him

  25. SusanneToo says:

    Ooooh, Wyden got his goat.

    • mayamae says:

      It’s pretty scary how quickly he morphed from his awe shucks, God lovin’ country boy, to the sinister, threatening, rage boy. It’s like he was channeling his grand pappy at the old lynchin’ tree.

  26. Kitten says:

    Sessions just can’t stop lying…it’s pathetic.

    • B n A fn says:

      Sessions is lying and stonewalling. Claims he cannot answer certain questions unless he talks to president first.

      • jwoolman says:

        He made up a new rule about all conversations with the Prez being confidential, apparently. Hope they nail him in closed session.

        If his memory is as bad as he claims, he should be looking for nursing homes, not working as US Attorney General. Can he even remember his way to the toilet?

  27. SusanneToo says:

    Must be hard for Blunt(R-MO) to breathe with his nose inserted so firmly in session’s posterior.

  28. why? says:

    Notice how Sessions, McCabe, Rogers, Rosenstein, and Coats all invoked executive privilege, but they won’t directly call it that? They say something along the lines of, they “won’t disclose their conversations with the President”. The question should be why won’t they directly say “executive privilege” when it’s clear that’s what they are doing? Is this a means to protect Trump? So Trump has tampered with the witnesses. Once again, Trump is obstructing justice. I don’t understand why people keep making excuses for Trump in regards to obstruction of justice when there are so many examples of him interfering.

    You can tell when Sessions is lying because he makes that evil smirk or his eyes get big.

    When asked about Trump’s Lestor Holt interview where he said that he fired Comey because of Russia, he said that he can’t comment on hypotheticals. That wasn’t hypothetical.

    The GOP are doing their usual deflection and making excuses for Trump and Sessions. They even brought up Eric Holder. What does Eric Holder have to do with Session lying? Why are the GOP so complicit? We all should be asking what the Russians have on t he GOP because all of them scared. Remember the Russians hacked the RNC too, but they didn’t dump as much as they did on the Democrats.

  29. Diana says:

    We are all biased as anti-trumpers… but from a neutral perspective does sessions come across sincere?

  30. Laurab says:

    John McCain interrupts Kamala Harris’s questioning and instructs her on how to properly talk to a witness.

    • B n A fn says:

      anyone knows if Jim Comey can sue the gov for firing him under false reason? They are sullying his reputation with lies. I guess Sen Cotton must have gotten a double scoop of ice cream and 45 chocolate cake because he was far up sessions butt. Anyone noticed that Sessions looks like a little smiling rat.

    • mayamae says:

      Sessions’ Southern Belle act is so over the top. The way he told Harris that the speed of her questions was overwhelming and making him​ nervous was comical, he was all but fanning himself to fight off the vapors. But the WTF moment was when he answered her question with an I cannot recall. When she started on her next question, he batted his eyelashes with a pretty smile and added, “Aa-yet this-uh tie-yum”. He did it in such a coy, almost flirtatious way. I think he’s seen Gone with the Wind a few dozen times too many​.

      • JenB says:

        That’s s great phonetic spelling of his accent! This entire testimony is reminiscent of Kevin Spacey’s character in “A Time to Kill.” Not a good similarity.

      • ORIGINAL T.C. says:

        That was just Sessions running out the clock. He stonewalled, filibustered and made up his own law as to why he can’t talk about his conversations with Trump. He probably spent all weekend going over his previous senate notes on avoiding questions.

        The senate can force him to testify or hold him in contempt of congress. Ha! Like the Republicans will do the right thing.

  31. why? says:

    We have a clue what Tom Cotton and Trump talked about during his dinner at the WH last week. He concluded that there wasn’t any evidence of collusion, even though we have Trump’s very public statement asking the Russians to hack Hillary. Why won’t they charge Trump with obstruction when it’s clear that he is telling GOP members what to ask and avoid during the hearing? It appeared that the GOP were really babying Sessions, at times it looked like they were feeding him information. The bots are working overtime trying to prove that Sessions hearing went well. Sessions didn’t answer many of the questions and in many times it seems like the GOP and Tom Cotton were the ones testifying.

    Trump and his people are going crazy trying to tarnish Mueller’s reputation so that they can fire him.

  32. B n A fn says:

    Why is it Comey is out of a job and Sessions has a job has the chief law enforcement officer in the country, what is wrong with this picture people? We have to get our butt moving on the nonsense going on in this country, resist!!