As we unfortunately know, the FCC repealed net neutrality last Thursday because three of the commissioners are horrible people who want to bring down Obama’s progress (I’m paraphrasing, of course). Immediately, as we all – including the FCC – knew would happen, states declared intent to sue over the ruling. At least 18 states are taking this to court so far:

All known 18 states that are suing the FCC to preserve #NetNeutrality

We are encouraging more states to please join the fight to preserve the free and open Internet. We can't let the FCC get away with this. pic.twitter.com/o4GVuv8o27

— Anonymous (@LatestAnonNews) December 14, 2017

Ajit Pai, the FCC chair whose championed ending net neutrality, attempted to do something by way of alleviating our fears. I say “something” because I think this is an attempt at damage control but it is so arrogant, tone-deaf, patronizing and just plain stupid that I really don’t know what to call it. A turd. That’ what it is, a big ol’ turd:

If you couldn’t stomach his bs, in the ‘PSA’ he maintains that folks will still be able to “gram” their food, take selfies with pets, buy stuff, watch videos, play into fandoms and “drive memes right into the ground” By way of example, Ajit, who apparently fancies himself clever, acted each out in vapid vignettes. For the fandom blurb, it showed him wielding a lightsaber like a Jedi and for the meme bit, he plays Harlem Shake with a group of uncoordinated dancers.

The problem was that he completely misread the pulse of the nation. He thinks those in favor of net neutrality are just whining because their videos won’t load quick enough. But Mark Hamill gets it and also knows a helluva lot more about Jedis that this pretentious twit:

Cute video Ajit "Aren't I Precious?" Pai 🤮-but you are profoundly unworthy 2 wield a lightsaber-A Jedi acts selflessly for the common man-NOT lie 2 enrich giant corporations. Btw-did you pay John Williams his royalty? @AjitPaiFCCorpShill #AJediYouAreNOT pic.twitter.com/SpIcOEySUY

— @HamillHimself (@HamillHimself) December 16, 2017

*tee hee* Get ‘em, Luke! It’s a great response. In addition to pointing out the lack of integrity, he emphasized Ajit and co.’s practice of taking what they want, like John Williams’ theme music.

Then it got weird. Or weirder, I should say. For some reason, Ted Cruz elected himself the spokesperson who should respond to Mark. I don’t even think the people who support Cruz would have elected him to do this. And he failed spectacularly:

.@HammillHimself Luke, I know Hollywood can be confusing, but it was Vader who supported govt power over everything said & done on the Internet. That's why giant corps (Google, Facebook, Netflix) supported the FCC power grab of net neutrality. Reject the dark side: Free the net! https://t.co/nARkMvIEYk

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) December 17, 2017

Schooling Luke Skywalker on Star Wars ideology maybe isn’t the best tactic. What’s that phrase about not bringing a knife to a gunfight? So, Mark responded, beginning by asking Cruz to spell his name correctly and ending by referencing Cruz’s infamous liked porn tweet:

Thanks for smarm-spaining it to me @tedcruz I know politics can be confusing, but you'd have more credibility if you spelled my name correctly. I mean IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU! Maybe you're just distracted from watching porn at the office again❤️-mh https://t.co/nHpJVG1Wpe

— @HamillHimself (@HamillHimself) December 17, 2017

Obviously, I am on Mark’s side in the beef. Cruz took a swing and missed. Mark responded with as much pettiness as Cruz so I’m fine with it. Plus, Mark’s response was funny – point, Skywalker.

But Cruz wasn’t done. Never one to acknowledge when he’s been bested, he thought he’d shame Mark instead – and did so once again using Star Wars:

Yes, that's it. So sorry to misspell your name. Respond not with facts, but with anger. Who was it that said, "Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate"? (1/2) https://t.co/uwMMzgKC1R

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) December 17, 2017

As they said on Pajiba about this, “Never quote the prequels, Ted. GOD.”

(2/2) Rather than insults, try civil discussion of facts. Fact 1: until 2015, the FCC had NO authority over Internet. The Net grew free & unregulated. Fact 2: W/ "net neutrality" the FCC declared power to regulate everything said & done on Internet. That's really bad for freedom. https://t.co/uwMMzgKC1R

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) December 17, 2017

“Rather than insults?” Who was the one to imply Mark couldn’t grasp which side of net neutrality he was on because he was an actor? Oh, and #45’s first born made an @ss of himself again:

Ted Cruz kills Luke Skywalker part 1 #starwars https://t.co/3jkplhU0LD

— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) December 18, 2017

If you read the comments, you can see how well that went over. Note to fascist sympathizers: take any Star Wars reference out of your mouth. Forever. It’s not for you.

And as for Ajit, Luke Skywalker isn’t the only one coming for him. Baauer, who wrote Harlem Shake, says he didn’t okay his song being used and plans to go after Ajit for it. Go Baauer:

yo @baauer did the FCC license your song for this? this is your moment to become a hero. call the lawyers https://t.co/xfaW1Wxobn

— Diplo (@_diplo_) December 14, 2017

I'm Taking action. Whatever I can do to stop this loser https://t.co/Ajo6wBATdF

— Aa (@baauer) December 14, 2017

My lovely fellow Celebitches, I am off to the UK for the holiday so I bid you adieu for a bit. Whatever you celebrate or observe, may your week bring you peace and hopefully some joy as well. From me and mine to you and yours: the best of the season to you all. Kaiser, CB and Corey will be here for your holiday gossip.

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