Amber Tamblyn on her racist husband: ‘Some men don’t change… [but] he changes’

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I believe quite strongly that David Cross is a garbage dump of a human being. He’s been called out for saying racist sh-t, he’s given faux-apologies which were actually quite insulting, and he took part in the gaslighting of a sobbing female costar who was merely trying to speak about how she was verbally harassed and abused by a male costar. Cross only apologized for that last one when his wife, Amber Tamblyn, told him to. The same Amber Tamblyn who wants to play the “don’t hold ME accountable for what my husband does” card. Which, fair enough – I’ve never blamed Amber for her husband’s racism, sexism and general dumbassery. I blame her for talking out of both sides of her mouth about it though – if she’s not “responsible” for her husband’s actions, then why is she doing the most to explain and excuse his actions?

Filmmaker, actress, and writer Amber Tamblyn recently addressed the racism allegation made against her husband, David Cross, while she appeared on NPR’s “It’s Been a Minute” with host Sam Sanders. Cross was accused of being racist toward comedian Charlyne Yi in a Twitter thread posted by Yi last October. Tamblyn admitted Yi was not wrong to accuse her husband based on his behavior and said she helped Cross to learn his lesson and to realize he needed a change in perspective.

“He was rightfully accused of doing something racist to the comedian, Charlyne Yi,” Tamblyn said. “You know I think the jokes that work for white guys and their white guy comedian friends don’t work, always, for women of color.” According to Yi, Cross made fun of her tattered pants when they first met. When she chose to ignore him, Cross responded, “What’s a matter? You don’t speak English? Ching-chong-ching-chong.” He then asked the comedian whether or not she would fight karate with him. Cross first responded to Yi’s accusation by saying he was in character as a “southern redneck” at the time.

Tamblyn told NPR Cross’ “eyes are open to [his mistake], if they weren’t before.” The actress and writer continued by saying while “some men don’t change,” Cross is different and was willing to confront his own behavior, realize the problem with it, and work on not making the same mistake. Tamblyn said the same mentality applied to Cross after the infamous “Arrested Development” interview where the show’s male cast members spoke over Jessica Walter.

“The thing I can say about David, that I love so much about him, is that he changes,” Tamblyn said. “And part of his introspection and his sensitivity is that he’s aware of that. And I think, same thing goes for the talking over Jessica Walter incident that happened recently. The ‘Arrested Development’ press tour. I think it was a similar experience where it’s just a continual sense of getting them to open their eyes and getting them to see either how they’re helping or they’re not helping.”

Tamblyn said the best thing she could do in each situation was to help Cross see the error of his ways. The actress revealed the couple received “death threats” following the incidents and said she was publicly confronted for not speaking publicly about her husband’s behavior. Many social media users questioned Tamblyn’s involvement with being an outspoken Time’s Up and #MeToo advocate despite her husband’s behavior. Tamblyn said she dealt with her husband’s behavior in private.

“It was really difficult for our family,” Tamblyn said. “We got death threats and women were coming after me and telling me, ‘Oh, you can’t be the head of a movement and not speak to this.’ I really hold a strong boundary with this and believe I’ve earned the right to privacy. And if you care about my voice and what I have to say at all and you think you know me, then you better assume that I’m having really difficult conversations with my husband about it. Just like all women are.”

[From Indie Wire]

Maybe she legitimately got death threats, and if so, I’m sorry that happened to her. But I read the tweets and the responses to her tweets, and mostly she was just flat-out being criticized in general. Because, as I said, she’s talking out of both sides of her mouth. She wants to be able to sit there and smugly tell the story about how her racist, misogynist husband is one of the few men capable of change AND she wants to be able to say that their marriage is so private and no one knows what’s really happening and leave her alone. We’ll leave you alone when you stop publicly caping for your dirtbag husband.

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65 Responses to “Amber Tamblyn on her racist husband: ‘Some men don’t change… [but] he changes’”

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  1. OriginalLala says:

    Oh Amber, I’ve been a fan of yours since Joan of Arcadia, love your poetry books..but please don’t insinuate that you are the head of the #metoo #timesup movements..come on now girl…

    • Sedanos says:

      She’s the leader of the non-intersectional branch of the movement. Did anyone else catch her now deleted Maxine Waters tweet? Then her non-apology self-victimization apology?

      • Renee2 says:

        Wait, what?????

      • Kate says:

        Her trying to make herself the victim of the situation after her horrible tweet is peak white fragility.

      • holly hobby says:

        Yep I read how she tried to “explain” something to someone like Maxine Waters. That was quite insulting.

      • girl_ninja says:

        Did she actually delete them? Because she claimed that she wasn’t going to, that she would leave them up as a reminder to be better or some such thing.

    • Lee says:

      I have the feeling that Amber – and many other actresses too probably, but Amber on top of that list – took the ‘me too’ movement chance to refresh her career. Out of nothing she is writing and promoting her books everywhere….

      • Queenb says:

        Bingo. Feminism is now mainly a marketing strategy.
        No one that actually cares and is educated would be this dumb about feminism.

        Also that book of hers is a mess. A woman like her does not understand what a male rape victim goes through.

    • j says:

      Something about her advocacy and how she’s her husband’s number one apologist and this new book just doesn’t sit right with me. I think she’s a low-key men’s rights advocate.

  2. Pix says:

    I canceled her when she talked back to Thandie Newton. Everything she’s said since is further proof that this girl needs to sit down.

    • frizz says:

      “talked back”? That’s like Thandie is her mom! Don’t think Thandie would like that. 😂

      Ok I missed that drama and just reread it. Agree Tamblyn/Chastain we’re needlessly overreactive, if Thandie forgot the invite or something they should have reached out to her privately and been more graceful on Twitter. Disappointed in them.

  3. A says:

    Head of a movement? She really is, as they say, a legend in her own lunchtime.

    • Queenb says:

      she also said “twitter you are lucky to have me”

      Give me the self confidence of a mediocre white woman.

      • Kate says:

        “Twitter, you are lucky to have me”. Has she lost her go**amn mind?!! The audacity! The caucasity!!

      • Giddy says:

        She also had the incredible nerve to criticize Maxine Waters regarding who MW was endorsing. If Maxine endorsed someone, then Amber needed to educate herself why, instead of giving criticism. But Amber lives in her little bubble where she says David Cross really is a sensitive guy who just needs corrections from her in order to change. Doubt it.

    • Esmom says:

      Lol. Yeah, that made me do a little spit take too. I find her and her husband insufferable. And death threats? Somehow I don’t think that’s true.

      • Ms says:

        I totally believe it. The internet is an insane place with no boundaries and no decency.

  4. Shelly says:

    This is one of those times that I’m happy for DT . It’s the story of the thousand little racist and other type of wrongdoings that take place every day in the lives of women and POC that have always been overlooked, rationalized and minimized. The current conversation illustrates just how much.aome people have gotten away with and don’t even understand about their own racist behavior. Amber Heard.. only the helpers are immigrants. Cross.. some Asian chick doesn’t want to engage and you start nitpicking. Your woke White wife now has to explain how she either missed the true you or minimize your behavior for love. Because the kids and family received death threats, we must assume you learned your lesson etc. because you really aren’t racist etc.

  5. truthSF says:

    “…AND she wants to be able to say that their marriage is so private and no one knows what’s really happening and leave her alone.”

    But she has no damn problem attacking Maxine Water on twitter for not supporting a candidate she (Amber) likes…never mind that Maxine is receiving death threat for standing up for the less fortune. Meanwhile, this hypocritical itch continues to remain mum on her husband’s atrocious behavior!!

  6. Shambles says:

    Can’t get through a damn thread without a white lady making herself the victim. Jeeeeeeeezus.

    • Kate says:

      This is the dumb-and-racist-white-lady-opinion day, right?

    • horseandhound says:

      you are being racist here. why did you emphasize her being white? so, only non white people can be victims and white people are always entitled assholes who can’t have any problems of their own? I don’t care about amber, it’s about your vision of the world.

      • Kate says:

        White people are only victim of racism in their own head. Seriously, what is this day?

      • Sedanos says:

        @horseandhound

        Yes. Now go back to the DM comment section. You got lost.

      • DragonWise says:

        So, calling out racism is racist. Sure, Jan.

      • Shambles says:

        I emphasized her being white because this is literally a story about racism…? And because today’s crop of stories is full of white women being ignorant, problematic, harmful, and racist— yes, including Amber. When a person of color has experienced racism and a white person makes it about themselves and their victimization, they are re-centering whiteness and usurping the narrative, which is racist. I’m sure Amber likes to think she is too “woke” and above it to be racist, but the truth is we are all complicit in it as white people. All of us. All of our lives are built on a foundation of white supremacy, and we all have to do the work. And white people cannot be the victims of racism. Google.

      • Royal Suitor says:

        “And white people cannot be the victims of racism. Google.”

        I LOVE you Shambles!

      • India Rose says:

        Based on the definition of racism, others can’t be racist against white people. (I’ve taken countless hours of training in grad school, college and other settings, studying patterns of racism and oppression throughout our history.)

        Racism is in part about power. White people have more power in this country. Look at the demographics of CEOs, politicians, law enforcement, superintendents. Look at who has the highest paying jobs. Look who has the most money. Look who has the most decision-making power. Racism is about keeping that power in place and keeping people of color down.

        We’re not just talking here about stereotypes. We’re talking about systems of power, how people of color are represented (or underrepresented or misrepresented) in the media, and the differences in our opportunities. These are things we may not notice if we’re white until they’re pointed out to us — because being white is presented as the norm in this country and has been for centuries.

        White people who struggle don’t have the addition of centuries of oppression from those systems pushing them down. White people have always had the most control here since we colonized this country and wiped out Native people.

        “Pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” is a hell of a lot harder when your boots have been weighed down by chains. It’s an unfair metaphor.

        And I’m not talking about anecdotes where one time this one guy you know had this one thing happen to him – so please save those stories. I’m talking about identifiable patterns throughout the U.S. over time.

        There is, by definition, no such thing as racism against white people. You can be biased against them or have stereotypes about them, but racism requires power and is another thing all together.

      • whattodonow says:

        India Rose and Shambles,

        I used Google. According to the ADL, the definition of racism is:

        “Racism is the belief that a particular race is superior or inferior to another, that a person’s social and moral traits are predetermined by his or her inborn biological characteristics.”

        There is literally nothing about power in there. Did the definition change because all the dictionaries say the same thing: based on biological traits and belief one race is better than another. Where are y’all getting this power thing from? I’m just genuinely confused.

      • India Rose says:

        WhatToDoNow:

        That’s a good question. Sociology is one of the fields that studies different types of racism and how they affect communities. Structural racism, institutional racism, individual racism, white privilege and power.

        If you Google “racism and power” or “racism sociology”, you’ll get more detailed definitions.

        Here are a few from a Google search:

        https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prejudice_plus_power

        https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/racism
        (Scroll down to read their disclaimer about The History and Dictionary Meaning of Racism)

        https://revisesociology.com/2016/10/31/racism-definition-sociology/

        https://www.thoughtco.com/racism-definition-3026511

        Finally, this is a description from Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor about how systemic racism affects the way POC see themselves:

        “Race matters to a young man’s view of society when he spends his teenage years watching others tense up as he passes, no matter the neighbourhood where he grew up. Race matters to a young woman’s sense of self when she states her hometown, and then is pressed, ‘No, where are you really from?,’ regardless of how many generations her family has been in the country… Race matters because of the slights, the snickers, the silent judgements that reinforce that most crippling of thoughts: ‘I do not belong here.'”

      • stinky says:

        horse&hound: You may have meant to use the word ‘bigot’ instead of ‘racist’. … and yes, there’s bigots here. Shocker.

  7. Queenb says:

    There is more.

    Amber Tamblyn Gets Called Out For Criticizing Maxine Waters
    https://nylon.com/articles/amber-tamblyn-maxine-waters-criticism

    Plus Ambers Anti semitism. She is so super canceled, Seriously.

    also the AUDACITY to call herself “the head of a movement”.

    • Kate says:

      She has never been activated honestly. I cannot even imagine the kind of conversation America Ferrera must heard, between this a**hole and Blake Plantation Lively.

      • Queenb says:

        America is also friends with Lena Dunham, so….

      • Kate says:

        Oh no, America, whyyy? Outside of her racist, dumbass opinions, Lena seems to be an awfully self-absorbed human being. She must be a horrible friend (except if you’re a man accused of raping someone, then she’s great).

      • Queenb says:

        I feel like Amber and Lena are pretty much alike.

  8. Apalapa says:

    Journalists and interviewers: I would LOVE to see a man put on blast for their wife’s behavior.

    President Trump, why hasn’t Melania been more engaged as first lady? She has done the least of any, EVER.

    President Bush: what motivated Laura to speak out about immigrant family separations?

    Mark Consuelos: why did Michael Strahan leave your wife Kelly Ripa’s show? How did your family manage its emotions around that difficult time?

    Ask any man: how have you been emotionally supporting your partner since #metoo happened?

    Point being: Amber isn’t her husband’s keeper. He is an ahole. But ask HIM about that, please.

    She is just as annoying, but for things she does.

    • Kate says:

      Hell, yes. Ask all of this men about their wives. And also, stop asking Amber anything cause girl is a privileged, out-of-touch MESS.

    • Lucy2 says:

      YES. It drives me crazy that when a guy like him does or says something awful, so many people expect the wife to share the blame and fix it. The only thing she is responsible for is her choice to marry him.

      As for the other stuff, I think Amber is a legend in her own mind, when really she, like most, still has a lot to learn and needs to listen to others with different perspectives.

    • Queenb says:

      She isnt responsible for his actions. That does not mean no one can point out that she is married to a racist sexist white dude. It makes you question her deeply. Its not a random man standing next to her, she married that person.

      • Apalapa says:

        Yeah I mean I hope she divorces him, which is a terrible thing to hope for. He is clearly an arsehat.

        But, we did not hold Lena Dunham’s partner responsible in interviews for her issues (rape defense), even though her ex is famous and likely a jerk too.

        NPR and press can be bettter. Ask men about their feminism. Make it uncool not to be proudly feminist, like in Sweden.

        And if I held my friends responsible for what their partners did (gay, lesbian, and het) I would have no friends.

        Amber is a “bad feminist” like roxane gay says. We all are. I can’t be more woke than I am when I learn new things every day.

        For now, I am ok with “bad feminists.” Even chimamanda ngozi adichie gets dragged as a bad feminist for saying trans women have a different life experience growng up than cis women, and for centering cis women in her work.

        Better for us to have these bad feminists than to have the 52% of white women who voted for trump.

    • Wren says:

      Exactly. I’m so tired of women being put on the spot over the men in their lives. Of course she’s defending him. Why is everyone acting like this is some big shocker? I don’t like what she’s saying nor how she’s handling it, but she’s stuck. She has to say something, or she’s crucified for being complicit or not caring. So she’s scrambling, not doing well, and yet she’s still on the spot over her husband’s poor behavior.

      I have an idea. Let’s ask HIM what he thinks of his wife’s words and actions! How does it make him feel? Will he stand by her? How is this affecting their family? Is this going to be a blow to his career? What is his skincare routine, all this stress must be making it hard to keep looking fresh faced and youthful!? (Good heavens women get asked ridiculous questions!)

  9. Mabs A'Mabbin says:

    Wtf is Amber Tamblyn? Obviously nobody worth a cent lol.

  10. Grabbyhands says:

    First of all, you’re only the head of a movement in your own mind. To most other people you’re a stereotype of tone deaf white feminism.

    Secondly, if you have to keep educating your dipshit husband, maybe he isn’t really learning anything.

  11. Potemkin says:

    They look like such a weird couple – esthetically, I mean, because for the rest it seems like they deserve each other.

  12. Valiantly Varnished says:

    Amber is just as problematic as he is so I’m not surprised she is defending him. I used like her and follow her on Twitter but unfollowed because she kept tweeting problematic things that were steeped in arrogance and privileged white feminism. They honestly belong together. They are quite alike.

  13. SheBug says:

    They have a really young child together, of course she’s in denial about this. Leaving him at this stage would be difficult and she’s stuck with him until the kid is 18 at least. I like Amber, her heart is in the right place but like Rose McGowan she needs to shut up until she can get some help and put her head back on straight.

    • Kate says:

      Amber and her dear hubby are way more similar than she thinks tough. Truly a match made in racist, dumb, privileged, out-of-touch hipster hell.

    • Jessie Mendoza says:

      She’s got the financial means to leave him, unlike many many women across the country. What a ridiculous argument.

  14. Marty says:

    Between her Thandie Newton and Maxine Waters comments, Amber has shown her white feminism is STRONG. Why can’t these women put half the work into educating themselves, as they do into making ignorant Twitter threads?

  15. Jay says:

    Cross was cancelled for me years ago when I read his contribution to a book of comedic essays. It was gross and even though I loved AD, it changed forever how I thought of him. Racist douchebag is right!

  16. Electric Tuba says:

    I always assumed Cross had a deep disdain for everyone who is not David Cross.

    Have you guys ever seen his movie Run Ronnie Run? It’s a “stoner cult classic”.

    That man seems to casually loathe everyone and everything. I’m not sure how both of these “wokesters” fit their giant heads in their apartment. However I’m sure they fit riiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhht in in their little neck of the woods in “hipster” part of Brooklyn.
    They didn’t move there to love what was already established in the neighborhood, they moved there because it was fresh off the gentrification factory line and they had access to juice bars and 500 hat shops.

  17. Asiyah says:

    What she’s trying to say is that David Cross changes because she’s “able to make him change.” She seriously thinks she’s wise and strong enough to make someone else into a “better” person (aka LIKE HER). Can’t stand this chick.

  18. Sara says:

    I only remember her as Emily on General Hospital when she was a child which makes her marriage to this much older creepy dude even more cringe. Then again I think her father is a bit older than her mother (still not the 20 year difference she and Cross have) so that’s her normal?

  19. EscapedConvent says:

    I can’t stand David Cross. Think he’s mean-spirited, arrogant, repulsive…..hmm what else can I call him……and not funny. I was shocked that that “nice little Amber Tamblyn” would marry him. But I knew nothing about her. After reading her remarks, they sound made for each other.

  20. Millie says:

    I think that softening the blow for the men in our lives is part of the societal problem. For some reason, women can’t seem to stop ourselves from making their lives easier and enabling them to not take full responsibility for their own actions.

    Instead of just saying “He was rightfully accused of doing something racist to the comedian, Charlyne Yi.” She has to add all of this other stuff to excuse or diminish his behaviour like saying it was a joke that doesn’t work or he doesn’t understand the impact of his behaviour and needs her to explain it to him.

    Just let him take responsibility. People would respond more to her request for privacy if she was saying that they are having difficult conversations at home and then stop defending him. She doesn’t get the irony of her own actions.

    • jwoolman says:

      I don’t really know about these two specifically, but she would be wise to say as little as possible and just keep things private. I think it’s unrealistic to expect a person to put their spouse on full blast in public anyway. Women have been marrying men with such serious flaws for eons and the answer to conflict in such entangled lives is not really to just get a divorce. There are intermediate actions to take first before he becomes impossible to live with. With a small child in the mix, any mother would be hesitant to be that hasty anyway. Once you have a child together, you are inextricably linked whether you are living together or not.

      In the case of racism, she doesn’t have direct experience herself and it shows. But she can help by drawing on the experiences of others, once she learns to listen better herself.

      But I wouldn’t underestimate the potential for change in men whose wives and significant others and friends talk frankly with them about their own experiences and how it has affected them. Decades ago I remember a colleague saying he used to be quite the sexist pig (it was the 1970s) but he gradually changed his attitudes and actions because of his wife. Before and after they were married, she didn’t keep her mouth shut to keep the peace (my mother’s favorite approach) but spoke truthfully to him about how such things affected her and others. That was a lot more difficult back then.

      A major problem with many people is that the affected person just doesn’t say anything. We have to learn how to talk with each other and how to listen. Don’t let any guy get away with claiming you are overeactimg, overemotional, imagining things, listening to “man-hating radical feminists”, etc. Find ways to get them to open their ears about why those are not appropriate responses to what you are telling them. Maybe we need workshops….

  21. Karen says:

    He does not look white, he’s deluded.

  22. Lady Medusa says:

    David Cross is just a narcissist, plain and simple. His racism and sexism are just manifestations of that, because he truly thinks everyone who isn’t David Cross is inferior to David Cross.

    People of all genders, ages, and races say stupid, dangerous, harmful things. It is possible for an individual to be racist against white people, because racism is the belief that some races are inferior to others, period. However, societal racism is 99.9% against non-whites, because that’s where the power element comes into play.

    It’s really not helpful to encourage “us vs them” mentalities that pit races against each other. The civil rights movement showed us what can happen when we work together as humans instead of infighting over who’s “allowed” to say certain things, or wear their hair a certain way, etc.