Maybe it’s my mood today but this story really got to me. Katie Lee is a Food Network star. I won’t pretend to know much about her, I really only knew she was Billy Joel’s ex. But after reading her post, I’m all protective and ready to do battle with the insensitive people creeping on to her Instagram page. Katie married Ryan Biegel last year. They have only been married for eight months and yet that has not stopped people – many people, mainly strangers – from asking Katie about when she will add children to her family. Not only is it invasive, it’s an incredibly painful topic for Katie and Ryan because they have, in fact, been trying to get pregnant and have had not success. And every time she’s asked if she pregnant, it is a reminder that she isn’t.
Katie’s caption reads:
I get multiple messages a day asking me if I’m pregnant or why I am not pregnant yet. I get comments saying I look like I’ve gained weight, so I must be pregnant. After one said that I looked “thick in the waist” I finally responded that it’s not ok to comment on a woman’s body and you never know what someone is going through. There is so much pressure on women to look a certain way and while most mean well with baby questions, it can be hurtful. Many of you sent me messages sharing your personal stories of fertility issues. You helped me, so now I want to share my story with you. When Ryan and I got married, our plan was to start a family right away. I couldn’t wait to get pregnant! I naively thought it would be easy. I’m a healthy woman, I eat a balanced diet, exercise, I don’t smoke. Ryan is the same. But reproductive health is an entirely different ballgame. We were trying, I had to have surgery to correct a problem, got an infection, then I was so run down I got shingles. My doctor advised us to try iVF. We just finished the intense process only to get zero healthy embryos. Not only is iVF physically exhausting, the emotional toll is unparalleled. We were filled with hope and excitement only to be crushed. It is really hard to put on a happy face. Fertility issues are supposed to be private so many of us are silently in pain. I hesitated to share this but I feel comfort when I hear others’ stories and I hope any of you in a similar situation know you are not alone. When people ask me when I’m getting pregnant, it hurts. It’s just a reminder that I’m not. When they say I look like I’ve gained weight, I have. I can’t exercise as much and the hormones have made me bloated. At church on Easter, the priest started his sermon with a story about a family struggling to have a baby and the happiness they are now experiencing that their prayers have been answered. He said it is a time of new beginnings. Tears streamed down my face. I know a family will happen for us, it is just going to be a different journey than we imagined. We will keep working towards it. Someday we will have our happy new beginning and I pray any of you experiencing the same will have yours too.
I appreciate Katie sharing this painful story with us. It’s important to be open so others don’t suffer in isolation or silence. However, we all understand how hard it can be to discuss such deeply personal things. Many people have struggles that they don’t want to share, which is understandable. Considering that Katie has already been badgered about it, it’s compassionate and generous of her to be so open. This is a reminder that if a person is not talking about something, there could very well be a reason for that. Folks wonder all the time if a certain celebrity is pregnant or trying but there is a big difference between casual speculation and sliding into a person’s comments and grilling them.
I want to end on a slightly more positive note. I love the way Katie ended this by saying, “I know a family will happen for us, it is just going to be a different journey than we imagined.” That’s a good way of looking at it. All paths to building a family are rewarding. Becoming parents is such an emotional rollercoaster even in the best of circumstances. Whenever and however Katie and Ryan add to their family, I wish them much luck and happiness.
Photo credit: Instagram and WENN Photos
People need to stop with those questions. Unless you are a medical provider about to dispense medication that would harm a pregnancy or you’re about to administer anesthesia or the woman is applying for a benefits program where an unborn child gets counted to determine financial eligibility, you have no need or right to know whether a woman is pregnant. Just STOP!
I agree. I’m completely baffled by the number of people who feel it’s their place to even broach the subject, much less fire questions at a woman concerning her family planning or any other very personal subject. They are unbelievably rude, ignorant and insensitive, and I suspect, rather nasty individuals. You know what? Do what my wise Nonna used to tell us: Mind. Your. Own. Business.
I’ve always liked Katie Lee, and truly hope her difficulties are not insurmountable.
I love her post! I’ve had two miscarriages and we are trying again. It hurts when people ask “do you guys want kids” or “when are you going to have a baby.” Quite simply, getting pregnant or having a viable pregnancy seems like a miracle for some of us and not something that just happens. I wish people would be more considerate. You never know why people don’t have kids, a lot of us have dealt with loss. That’s the unfortunate reality.
Sending good vibes your way. It’s so hard when it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant easily while you wait for your turn. Miscarriages are devastating. I’ve been there. No words could have made me feel better after mine, but know that you are definitely not alone.
My extended family is huge and they’ve asked the same. My ex colleagues also knew I’m on the pill and tried to tell me to have 1 partly because I married another race and they wanted to see my mixed kid lol. However nobody has been vicious to me. I’m not interested in kids because I want to take care of my parents and that overrides kids. If an unexpected pregnancy occurs I will consider.
I got those comments all the time and people are still inordinately interested in how dark or not my kid and soon to be born 2nd kid are. Just like people obsessing about whether Archie has dark hair or not. The fetishization of mixed race kids is weird, people. Everyone is always curious about what babies will look like but the “I love mixed race kids!” Crowd takes it to a whole other creepy level.
On another note, i thought her post was really moving and she expressed so well how hard these comments are. I’ve had a few miscarriages and I know that feeling of people speculating on the occupancy of your uterus while you are struggling. It’s so hard. Best wishes to her.
Whoa, I had no idea this was a thing people had the balls to do. I learned something new and awful today.
I really wish people would grow the hell up. Reproduction is not ANYONE’S business other than the couple and their doctors.
I’m so sick of people asking “when are you going to have kids” – it’s rude. There’s no way around it. You’re being incredibly thoughtless when asking that. There’s a big difference between “Hey, do you guys want kids someday?” and “WHEN are you having them” or following up with “Oh well, you’ll change your mind” or “well you better hurry up!”.
I struggle with a few different conditions. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop my medications to have a child. But because my husband and I were high school sweet hearts, it’s been non-stop. And it stings. Beyond the medication issue – I also have a double mutation on a gene that often causes spontaneous miscarriage, and then there’s the whole worry of passing the conditions I have along to a child. It’s just such a bitch to have people constantly asking when we’re going to have kids. If you’re someone close enough to us – you’ll know why we haven’t. If you’re not, then mind your own beeswax.
Tearing up at work <3. I think it's a hard situation all around- people ask because they are trying to make conversation, not thinking of every possible scenario that someone could be going through. It's noones fault, but it is hard to watch everyone around get pregnant seemingly easily, and also to be asked constantly… I hope it works out for her and anyone else trying to get pregnant. Now that I am currently pregnant, I am cautious in the way I speak about it- which is a double edged sword. I want to be excited, but feel that I can't in a way.
*hugs* feel your fear and feel your excitement. They can co-exist!
When will people learn to stop asking women these kinds of questions??
why do people feel like its their business to ask about a woman’s body? wtf.. leave us alone.
One of my besties had a very effective way of shutting down nosy people.
When she was a decade into her marriage with no children and people would enquire about children she wood exclaim in a booming voice “ I love kids, they taste delicious!”’
The look on people’s face was priceless….
She handled the invasiveness very well.
Not only does the invasiveness piss me off, it wouldn’t stop if she were, indeed, pregnant. They’d vomit weight gain comments and find fault with anything and everything because that’s what sorry excuses for lifers do. And…they have to have the last word, one final toxic barb. I love her words, she’s patient. I’d have had a huge f*ck you pic for every inappropriate message lol.
So true it would never stop! Just look at Megan Markle coverage – the day she gives birth People magazine reports she wants another *eyeroll*
Wow, people are HORRIBLE. I feel so bad for her with all the comments.
And you can never win. If you have one child, people ask you for YEARS when you’re going to have another. They would even put it this way: “When are you going to give that poor thing a brother or sister?” As if I were depriving my child!
The questions didn’t end until she was in her TEENS. Then it changed to “I guess she’s an only, right?”
Now she’s 24, I’m past childbearing age, etc. and the issue is long-forgotten, but damn it was hard. Just leave people alone about their reproductive choices!!!
*Also if you have two or more of the same gender, people will harass you as to when you are going to have the other gender. If you have three kids or more, people will harass you with, “You know how that happens, right?”
And God help you if you have no kids. You’re treated like a total weirdo.
yep! hubby and I are child free by choice and our families make comments about it all the time, especially when my cousins have babies. It’s annoying AF because they all make it pretty clear that they view my life as ” lesser than” because I am not having kids…apparently you can have a Phd, a prestigious job, and do a ton of volunteer work with abused animals, but you are nothing more than selfish and unimportant unless you have kids.
You are right, you just can’t win– Mom of 1 here
I cringe when I think about how long ago I used to ask people stuff like in casual convo about if they were having more kids. CRINGE.
Yes to your last sentence. Someone asked me just this morning if I had kids, and when I said no, she repeatedly said “I’m so sorry”. I was like lady, I have time to myself, disposable income, a house full of breakable stuff, and 2 awesome cats. I’m good!
I finally found a couple of good comebacks to these invasive questions.
When asked “So you just have the one?”, I answer, “Yes, I went for quality over quantity.”
When asked “So, you didn’t want more than one?”, I just say “Yes, I did want more than one.” And then I don’t provide any explanation while they sit there in uncomfortable silence trying to parse through what my response might mean….
When people get weirdly nosy about the fact that I just have one child, I remark that my daughter ate her sibling in utero because she’s the evil and stronger twin. It usually shuts them up.
I wish people would understand they have no idea what is going on with another person and what a deeply sensitive subject this is to casually bring up in conversation. I know most people mean well or are clueless that their simple question could be hurtful to someone trying to put on a brave face.
I’ve never personally faced fertility issues but before having kids, my husband started questioning if he really wanted any even though we’d discussed it at length prior to getting married. In that year we were deciding the state of our future and marriage, five of my sisters and sister in laws from our families got pregnant. Each announcement I was happy for them but inside I was crushed we weren’t even trying and it might end my marriage. Every well meaning person asking about my pregnancy status unintentionally reminded me I wasn’t pregnant. I finally had to tell his parents to stop asking me and talk to their son. They’d never once asked him and directed all grandchildren questions at me. (Side note: my husband got all freaked out once I wanted to start trying because his entire life his Dad has joked that life ends when you have kids 🙄) I was 35 and gave my husband an ultimatum that we start trying to get pregnant or I need to go find someone who wants to have kids because I have a limited window and his indecisiveness was unfair to me, especially at my age. He is an amazing father and thrilled by our son and our baby on the way so it all worked out in the end but that year was a huge strain.
My close friend has been trying to conceive for the past year and my sister had a difficult miscarriage recently. I try to be really careful about discussing my current pregnancy. I let them bring it up or follow their lead on what is ok for them to talk about that day. I know they are happy for me but I also know it must be difficult for them. Fertility is so emotional and unfair. My friend wants to be a mom so badly and it’s just not fair the emotional and physical rollercoaster she’s going through.
Comments that she’s getting make me mad because they put women into the default role of baby maker. We’re not here to do just that.
Also, men rarely get asked fertility questions. It’s a subject completely put upon women. No one questions why men don’t have children but society thinks it’s their right to invasively ask women about their reproductive health and choices. It’s almost like people think they have a right to women’s bodies!
We should start asking men.
I went to brunch with my husband and 3 of his guy friends recently and the topic of kids came up and someone asked the one guy who doesn’t have kids if they were planning to have any (which makes me cringe as having been on the receiving end of that question so many times when we were trying). He matter of factly said they are trying and his wife is doing IVF and they all just talked about how hard it is. I was like wow- this is…refreshing. Glad more people are talking openly about fertility without shame or embarrassment.
That’s really nice to hear men talking about it. It’s such a loaded subject for me because I always here questions and comments directed at women.
I truly empathize with her. It took me 13 years to be able to take a baby home. And what many people don’t realize is that while IVF often gives you the best chances, it also is not a guarantee. It took 7 tries for me. It’s heartbreaking when someone in my IVF support groups had to give up because they’ve are drained financially, physically, and emotionally.
I have one child. Not necessarily my plan but since I had a miscarriage with my second and was already older I decided to not try to conceive again. I get asked quite often if we only wanted one and if we had planned on having more. It’s so annoying. I really sympathize with Katie and with any other woman who gets questioned about the status of her uterus.
If I could go back in time, I’d tell people to kindly crawl out of my uterus. (I also had one child.)
I have twins and was constantly asked why I wasn’t giving them a sibling or two. I just looked at those people and told them the truth: My husband died. I wasn’t in the least bit interested in having more children, especially since I was grieving. I’m now in my mid 50’s and remarried, but still the subject came up to my husband. Someone asked him if he wanted to be a father. Gah!
I feel for her. I’m glad she spoke out. People in my town always insert “So do you have kids?” Into every conversation even if it has nothing to do with the topic. I’ve become more open with my pregnancy losses and struggle to get pregnant again just so people stop asking me or making some stupid comment “oh this room in your house would make a nice nursery hint hint!”
On a totally trivial note: I have always, always, always been envious of Katie Lee’s hair. It’s always been this gorgeous, glossy triumph that sits atop her head! She’s a beautiful woman anyway, but her hair, to me, is to die for pretty! Le sigh!
Cant stand her. UGH…
She’s boring but her food looks OKAY. She had this beach themed show for a while , co hosted the morning show called the Kitchen and is good friends with Bobby flay. That’s all I got.
My basic philosophy when talking to other people is to stop and think about my question/response and ask myself “is it any of my business” and then “if someone said that to me, how would that make me feel”. So when it comes to anything remotely personal, I assume that if they want me to know, they will tell me and I allow them to steer the conversation. Because we don’t know people’s stories and what you might think is a simple question might not be all that simple. And as for a complete stranger on the internet, there is no reason to ask anything personal ever, so keep your mouth shut.
Rudeness is rampant in USA these days.
I would never think to ask anyone about their personal life.
I went thru a really tough divorce years ago, and was sickened on a daily basis by the people who just went and spouted off at me about my personal business. Just revolting the nosy questions. None of your business. At the time I was close to falling apart with shock, etc.
Finally, self protection kicked in, I got really good at calmly saying “I prefer to not discuss my private life.” And then just blankly stare them right in the eye.
Goodness, unless you are my Mom or my personal Dr. some things are not up for chatter.
I’m not a fan of her when she appears on Beat Bobby Flay, but i sure do feel sad for her and any ladies out there that are asked insensitive questions about their personal lives. I wish Katie and all ladies trying to start a family the very best for a successful and blessed event. 🙏
On a side note, it’s creepy how much she reminds me of Ali McGraw.
Before I had any kids, I would always ask people why they felt free enough to be asking me about my sex life when they asked me if I was going to have kids. Really great to see how stupid they felt when I asked them that.