Gwyneth Paltrow teaches peasants/roaches to make salads

Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow knows we’re all too fat. She needs us to only eat salads for a while, so we’ll be nice and thin for when she returns from her vacation to look down her nose at us. You heard me correctly, the Goop is going on vacation. It’s a Goopcation, and Gwyneth dropped the bad news at the end of this week’s newsletter, just a brief little “Goop is going on vacation…we will see you in September!” Gah! What will do without Goop? Nevermind, she’s left us a few recipes for salads, which I think is the only food we’re supposed to eat while she’s gone. The salad recipes are reminiscent of the time she taught peasants how to make a sandwich, but not as hardcore as when she taught us to de-bone a chicken.

For the dog days of summer. These very tasty, wonderfully easy-to-make salads are terrific on their own, as side dishes or for rounding out your picnic basket. Love, Gwyneth

[From Goop]

On the menu is a chicken salad that is glorified and goopified with walnuts and arugula to make it better than the “standard deli chicken salad (which does have an appeal of its own).” Gwyneth should have added, “(which does have an appeal of its own…for peasants).” To make a Goopy chicken salad, add “peppery arugula, apple and walnuts to the chicken-mayo-celery combo and finished it off with a squeeze of lime for some zing. I love this as an open-faced sandwich on grilled sourdough.” She puts green apple into her chicken salads, which I hate. For me, apples in a chicken salad throw off the texture and overwhelm the wonderful chicken-and-mayo taste.

Gwyneth also has a recipe for an avocado and crab salad with “Marie rose sauce” which Gwyneth describes as “very similar to Russian dressing, is said to have Irish origins.” From what I can tell, “Marie rose sauce” is mayonnaise, ketchup, shallot and lemon juice. Isn’t that, like, McDonald’s special sauce? Just fancy and goopified? Uh… I guess. Her last two recipes are for “cold soba noodle salad” and “Lee’s Asian slaw”. You can read those recipes here.

Bless her snotty, superior heart, she’s trying. She’s trying to make Goop a brandequal to Oprah or Martha Stewart. Lately, she’s been on a real food kick, and I kind of miss Goopy’s musings on clothes and shopping. But, hey, at leastshe’s not calling us “roaches”. To our faces, at least.

Gwyneth is shown on 7/29/09. Credit: PRPhotos

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26 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow teaches peasants/roaches to make salads”

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  1. Mizz Expert says:

    She really gives a bad name to all the b###hes out there! Me thinks SHE stinks! Welcome to the I Hate GP Fan Club! : )

  2. BlueSkies says:

    Damn, girl, I g0tta go check my Goop. No matter what, Gwyneth does not own a French cookbook like I bought in my early twenties. That’s part of the reason I know she is a fake & trying to come off as one of us (educated, pretty, hobbies).

  3. BlueSkies says:

    Ok, so she made the Waldorf salad. Shut up! Any good blogger knows you never go on vacation as your #’s will suffer.

  4. Green Is Good says:

    Is Goopy going on vacation to a place that has “buildings are years and years and years old”? (direct quote from the Associated Press)

  5. Bill Hicks is God says:

    I’m sure she knows a lot about tossing salads, what with that panty-waist husband of hers.

    And Jesus! there’s that generic “Asian” again!

  6. AlaskaJoey says:

    I prefer Chicken Salad Veronique – with grapes!

  7. rinaz says:

    Question : Would you choose Gwynneth Paltrow or Sandra Lee as your chef. You MUST choose one :-P

  8. lady garden says:

    so she’s a salad tosser?

  9. Obvious says:

    Sandra Lee-I don’t know who she is, but nothing can be worse than the Gloop

  10. AlaskaJoey says:

    Sandra Lee likes to include cocktails with every meal, plus she’d feed you boxed mac and cheese every now and then – so I pick Aunt Sandy.

  11. Susette says:

    Lainey had this story and she linked to a mock GOOP that Vanity Fair had done. It’s hilarious.

  12. Kaiser says:

    I’d choose Sandra Lee too. She’s not so bad, really. She’s drunk most of the time, and she would tell you stories about how screwed up her family was.

  13. Mairead says:

    Jesus – are you people mad? :o You’d choose “fancy-dancy” disimprovements of sensible dishes and classic cocktails, Fanny-Cradocked up with a load of canned icing? You’d willingly eat Sandra Lee’s scary green christmas cake or the dreaded “kwanzaa cake” (where the friggin’ candles are tastier than the cake). Madness! 8O 8O 8O

    Kaiser, you’re showing your age if you don’t know what marie-rose sauce is. :P She’s making a variant of the Seventiestastic “Prawn Cocktail”, which was de rigeur at any respectable dinner party. (Look “Abigail’s Party” up on YouTube ;) )

    But yeah, it is just mayo and ketchup; with lemon juice if you’re feeling adventurous.

  14. Kaiser says:

    LMAO, Mairead! I had honestly never heard of “marie-rose sauce” before the Goopster mentioned it. Is it McDonald’s special sauce? It sounds like it.

    As I said re: Sandra Lee – I’d choose her over Goopy because of the cocktails, and b/c of the stories. Sandra Lee’s mother was crazy, so the stories would be awesome!

  15. the original kate says:

    mayo, shallots, ketchup & lemon juice = 1,000 island dressing. but goopy can call it “marie rose sauce” if it makes her feel superior.

  16. Mairead says:

    But she can’t even get her “classic” cocktails right! And say your tastebuds didn’t boycott your mouth, your liver would be begging for mercy from the inundation of the “leh-koor”. Or you’d choke on all the “fancy-dancy gurrrnishes”.

    Gotta say – Sandra Lee is pure, glorious car-crash telly though. :D

    But just last night I discovered Chef Julian who has the best cookery show, and who you thank for talking down to you; quote “if it was me, I would mix that now. Because that’s how it’s done” :lol:

    Google the Big Kitchen with Food. A star in the making :D

  17. Kaiser says:

    Mairead – Just checked him out. He’s a kid! I was expecting some hot dude with an accent, like Gerard Butler with copper cookware and a garlic press. So disappointing.

  18. danielle says:

    Never watched Sandra Lee, but you all make her sound like barrels of fun – she still on?

  19. Mairead says:

    Considering that I think Gerard Butler has a head like a bowl of cauliflower cheese with a pair of starey-eyes stuck in, I can understand your confusion. :lol:

    But no. He’s a kid. Who gets totally distracted when mixing, and does fantastic concentration faces when pouring stuff. And who needs his mother’s help to use the garlic press. But he could teach half the twerps on the Food Network plenty.

    @ Danielle – nearly all I’ve ever watched of her is on YouTube. I did see some whole episodes once, but can’t remember where. Just look for Kwanzaa cake. Or even “Beer margaritas” It’s an education.

  20. Hunter says:

    How can one woman that seems to have her hands in ‘everything’ be so unimaginative with food! She can even make food boring.. .and with trying to use fancy names makes it even sound more boring! Ugh…gloopy goop it is.

  21. TaylorB says:

    I thought McDonalds ‘secret sauce’ was mayo, ketchup, and relish??

  22. fizXgirl314 says:

    “marie rose sauce”… agh, what a pretentious snot. That’s thousand island dressing… must be so exciting to be married to her… i bet she even refers to sex as coitus… that should get any man’s blood pumping lololol

  23. fizXgirl314 says:

    hahahahahah ok i laughed my ass off at kwanza cake… i thought that was a joke or something… I wonder if she got her ass kicked for that… the best part was when she tried to pass off corn nuts as acorns hahahahahahahahaha…

  24. j. ferber says:

    I’m wondering exactly what plastic surgery Gwyneth has had done. She really looks nothing like she did in her 20′s (I’m talking about facial structure and her general “look”). Does anyone know?

  25. Paulette says:

    “…salads are terrific on their own, as side dishes or for rounding out your picnic basket.”

    It’s as if she thinks none of us are familiar with salads.

  26. whatever says:

    I love Sandra Lee! I call her meth-eyes Betty Crocker! The way her eyes glaze over when she’s chopping up meat, it’s almost as if she’s remembering her youth in the Manson family.