Gwyneth Paltrow teaches peasants how to make a sandwich

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Jaybird usually covers the GOOP newsletters, those weekly reminders from Gwyneth Paltrow that our little lives need to be improved with her smug, patronizing sanctimony. Jaybird has pointed it out before – if these tips were coming from someone else, we might be able to stomach them. But coming from Gwyneth Paltrow, hearing about how we should just be able to saunter our way through Barcelona on a few bucks a day, or how we should “heal our modalities” with cupping – it’s all just tedious.

Goop’s latest newsletter is a “MAKE” (as opposed to Go, Get, Do, Be and See). Gwyneth’s task for us this week is… making a sandwich. Not just an utterly common, bourgeois, trashy peanut butter and jelly, either. Our lives will be improved so much if only we “MAKE” a “no-dairy, no-meat, no-white flour” vegan lunch of a Veggie Blat (with tempeh vegetarian bacon), the Un-Caesar salad with rosemary and thyme croutons (and yet, no Caesar dressing) and agave-sweetened lemonade. It seems agave is better for us peasants, as opposed to white sugar – Gwyneth knows we’re all really fat, and she’s tired of ignoring the fact that we can’t fit into her Parisian “ethnic print” blouses.

Goop gives us very specific instructions on how to make this damn sandwich, and if we screw it up, she’s going to bad-mouth us in the press:

This MAKE is for my no-dairy, no-meat, no-white flour (if you omit the croutons) loving friends who are looking for a quick, casual summer lunch. Proof that vegan food rocks!

-Gwyneth

This sandwich impresses even the most dedicated carnivores. Full of flavor and super-satisfying, this is a lunchtime favorite in my house.

Heat the oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat and cook the vegetarian bacon for a minute on each side, just enough to warm it through and get it a bit browned. Remove from the skillet and cut each slice in half.

Spread each slice of bread with a tablespoon of Vegenaise or mayonnaise, sprinkle with coarse salt and pepper. Layer the bacon, tomato, avocado and lettuce on four slices of the bread and then sandwich with the remaining four. Cut each sandwich in half and serve.

[From GOOP newsletter]

I realize that when Gwyneth explains in such detail about how to make a damn sandwich, she’s just being thorough and specific, as many cookbooks are. But because it’s Gwyneth, doesn’t it come across like she thinks we’re morons? I will give Gwyneth this one point though – I really do think she’s really writing all of this stuff. It’s written in her snotty voice. So it’s just some vanity project that’s being ghostwritten in her name – it’s a vanity project that she’s involved in at every level. So, I give her credit for that, at least.

Gwyneth Paltrow is shown outside the hair salon in Beverly Hills on 6/15/09. Credit: Leigh Green/INFphoto.com

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26 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow teaches peasants how to make a sandwich”

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  1. Arvedia says:

    Surprisingly, that´s almost exactly the kind of sandwich I often eat for lunch (only I do it with chicken breast instead of this vegan stuff). Does that make me a culinary genius, or does it make Gwyneth´s receipes utterly banal?

  2. Madonna says:

    This is what you’ll get when you are friend with ME!

  3. geronimo says:

    I got as far as ‘vegetarian bacon’ and then stopped reading. Top marks to Goopy for knowing how to drain all the fun (and fat) out of a bacon sandwich.

  4. ! says:

    I am so happy that she’s been called out by REAL Hindus for the vapid trash she tries to pass off as the way to personal enlightenment. Anyone who was truly spiritual (or at the very least, as spiritual as she tries to make herself out to be) would not be so attached to possessions and putting on airs.

    I mean seriously, she’s trying to come off as some wise life guru, and half the time she’s telling us what shoes to buy, what teak salad tongs to use, and how to make a vegan sandwich? GIVE ME A BREAK

  5. Jane says:

    Thank you Gwyneth, you just discovered America!

  6. Zoe (The Other One) says:

    She really has too much time on her hands. Perhaps she needs to find herself a job and stop writing recipes for effing sandwiches already.

    ‘cut in half’.

    I’ll tell her what she can do with her recipe.

  7. icky says:

    ok..she says it’s okay to use mayonaise (which is made with eggs) – which would make the damn sandwich NOT vegan- so I guess you can also use chicken or bacon instead of the vegebacon- in which case this is a BLT.. and she is full of it

  8. Lizzie (greeneyed fem) says:

    So . . . it’s a BLT with avocado.

    The deli down the block from my office has been making these for years.

  9. KateNonymous says:

    Well, sandwiches were invented by an Earl. Of course it takes a little more explanation for little people like us to understand their glory.

  10. barneslr says:

    But…she still hasn’t told us how many bites it should take to eat it, how many times to chew each bite, and how long it should take us to crap it out!

    How are we to enjoy her gastronomic superiority if she doesn’t give us COMPLETE information???

  11. jaudicemachine says:

    I’m surprised she didn’t tell us how to toast the bread. . .

    To be fair, it is a tasty sandwich – I’ve been down with the avocado/fake bacon combo for years and can vouch for their appeal with “carnivores”. ( I didn’t realize that if you’re not a level five vegan, you’re just a common “carnivore”.)

  12. Kath Jaynes says:

    I don’t even know where to get Vegan Bacon… maybe next time she’ll have a “GET” article about where to get vegan bacon.

    I’d rather Gwyneth tell us about her highlights however, she has the most beautiful hair in hollywood!

  13. Zoe (The Other One) says:

    Oh I wish for an insight how to get vegan ANYTHING – not that I’d ever give up my meat but you try buying vegan bacon in the middle of the desert.

    Not so much.

    ROFLing away to myself at barneslr’s comment.

  14. lrm says:

    oh god-vegan bacon is fakin’ bacon;it’s tempeh,and it’s darn good-indonesians have been eating tempeh for years…yes,years…lol
    anyway,i ate the stuff 15 yrs ago;it’s hardly ‘new’ and cutting edge.
    i’m sure they have some disgusting versions of soy bacon out there now,as well…but so much of that stuff-the fake meat-is not only nasty,but full of fillers and eating actual meat would be healthier for you.
    yes,that’s true. I said it.
    gluten based faux meat,soy protein filler,carmel coloring agents…blek.
    honestly,actual fermented soy as in tofu and tempeh,which are rarely made in the traditional fermented way anymore [the ones you buy at the store,anyway],are the only soy products worth eating,healthwise,and taste wise,well you can decide for yourself. the fakin’ bacon is pretty good-and esp. add feta cheese slices instead of avocado,to the sandwich. TLT tempeh,lettuc and tomato-not rocket science.
    GOOPY is hilarious for acting like this is some hot tip. so unoriginal,as these posts on this thread have attested to.

  15. Lem says:

    @ Kath omg lol
    @ barneslr 37 chews per swallow?

    why do vegans always want carnivore tasting food? what wrong with an avocado, tomato, lettuce sandwich?

  16. the original kate says:

    wait … she didn’t say how to cut the magical sandwich in half! side to side so it has flat tips, or end to end so it has pointy tips? i need to know, goopy! i’m sitting here, starving – mentally, physically and spiritually, just waiting for your words of wisdom…

  17. BlueSkies says:

    Again, Goopy didn’t really do her homework because I bet she never went researching for the negative side effects of agave syrup. She’s just parroting stuff she’s heard and blindly following.

    Is it no surprise Gwyneth didn’t finish college? No, because she would get a big F for writing this paper. Agave syrup is actually a highly processed fructose and is a fraud. Most is processed in Mexico in shanty factories. It is known to cause miscarriages and gives you the worst stinky gas and the runs. If you want painful periods, it will help with that also. I don’t know why she isn’t pushing Stevia as it has been a sweetner used in Japan for ages. Or raw sugar. We know what sugar does, has been tested for ions. Just lay low on it. Hell, Tom Cruise’s barley water is even a better substite.

    Sorry Kaiser, you’re great with the brange write ups but JayBird writes the best links and Goop articles. She’s so funny.

  18. barneslr says:

    @Lem-you know, you make a good point. If someone wants to be a veg, that’s fine-good for them. But why do they try to make non-meat items taste like meat? Just eat a carrot and be happy; you just can’t make it taste like a t-bone.

  19. Codzilla says:

    Yuck. If I want a vegetarian sandwich, I’ll just make one WITHOUT meat or any of its putrid substitutes.

  20. Kevin says:

    Here me Oh Lord,,,you can take this one and make it 6! aaaahhhhhhhmmmmmeeennn.

  21. BlueSkies says:

    Kevin, never say such things about anyone. Really, even Gwyneth. Especially Gwyneth, she is a mother to two kids and we need her to get a good laugh every thursday.

  22. LakeMom says:

    I love how this stupid chick is always trying to come across as some healthy living messiah and yet she smokes.

    Yeah, smoking is so classy. Good to know Ms. Paltrow has something in common with the trailer trash crowd.

  23. brista says:

    the original kate:

    Cut diagonal! Always cut diagonal!

  24. the original kate says:

    brista – yes, but which way does goopy cut sandwiches? and do we leave the crust on? how will we ever get enlightened and happy if we don’t follow her shining examples?!

  25. panda says:

    Seriously… did anyone need instructions on how to make a freaking BLT? Ooooo veggie bacon instead of real bacon for those vegetarians out there? Add avocado?! WOW you are sooooo creative.

  26. TaylorB says:

    I am surprised she didn’t specify to remove the bread from the bread bag first and slice the tomato, avacado, and lettuce head as well.