Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter Apple knows what we’re saying about Goop

Gwyneth Paltrow at the Grand opening of the JVP International Cyber Center

Gwyneth Paltrow’s kids are teenagers now. Can you believe that? Apple Martin will be 16 next month and Moses just turned 14. We don’t see much of them except on their mom’s social media. But when it comes to celebrity children, generally no news is good news. The Martin kids seem pretty content and are not targets for the paparazzi. It does appear that Apple is wise to her mom bs, though. Last year Apple called her mom out for posting a selfie of her without her permission. That’s not too uncommon, most us have an agreement with our kids about what we can and cannot post (and good for Apple for standing up for herself). But Tuesday, Apple took another shot at her mom, this time at her business. Gwyneth posted the following pic to her IG, claiming that Apple had written her own version of Gwyneth’s to-do list.

View this post on Instagram

Apples interpretation of my to-do list #quaranteen

A post shared by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on

Most of Gwyneth’s friends applauded Apple, calling her a genius for this. I agree, this is really funny. The cut off lines on the bottom, about intentionally underproducing to inflate demand, is inspired. Many of us have wondered aloud what Gwyneth’s kids think of her Goop science and the products she chooses to highlight. In February, Gwyneth told Jimmy Kimmel that Moses told her he’d originally been embarrassed by the selection of vibrators she hocked, but he has since come around, now proud of his mom’s feminism and calling her a “bad@ss” for it (none of which I believe he actually said, by the way). Regardless of what’s discussed at Chez Goop, she and her edgy lifestyle brand is widely discussed outside the home and whereas shock is great for business, it’s not always great for teenagerdom. Clearly, Apple has heard the discussion. I mean, you can be the most enlightened teen on the planet and still have a limit as to how many times you can hear your mom talk about her vagina in public.

I, for one, am encouraged to see Apple making a joke of Goop’s brand. I am equally encouraged that Goop also saw the humor intended. That actually speaks more to relationship than anything else. It shows that Apple is not afraid to poke fun of her mother and that Goop is a good sport. I find a lot of fault with Gwyneth, but I think she and Chris Martin are doing a good job with their kids. I can’t wait for both Apple and Moses to get more vocal as they get older, I bet they rib their folks and each other ala the Hanks or Hemsworths. And Apple’s already shown she’s a pretty quick wit, so this should be fun.

Gwyneth Paltrow at the Grand opening of the JVP International Cyber Center

Gwyneth Paltrow at the Grand opening of the JVP International Cyber Center

Photo credit: Backgrid, Instagram & Avalon Red

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26 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter Apple knows what we’re saying about Goop”

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  1. Becklu says:

    I think this just shows good parenting. Her child feels safe teasing her mom and her mom not only is fine with it she clearly encourages it

    • Marley says:

      You knw I was thinking about celebrity kids & parents, what celeb parents will not be able to handle their kids growing up & not afraid to be blunt. I honestly wonder if Jennifer Garner will have a breakdown As her kids get older & have their own opinions. She said her eldest Violet was the only 8th grader w/o a device or computer of her own etc in her class…all bc of Garner wanted to control what she sees, etc…. I think about how moms like her Or like mommybloggers have their identity wrapped up in kids. But kids grow up.

  2. Ali says:

    Why did they name their kid APPLE!!!
    I cant believe it. (16 years later and it’s still dumb)

    • smcollins says:

      I seem to recall that one of the Farrelly brothers (whom she worked with pre kids on Shallow Hal) has a daughter named Apple and he has joked about GP “stealing” the name. Doesn’t make the name any better but I find it kind of funny that it’s not as original as she may try to pass it off to be.

  3. WendyWoo says:

    I feel like when you name your kid after a cocktail, that automatically grants them the right to mock you for the rest of their life. Being a snake oil saleswoman and creepy vagina cultist inflates their mockery privileges by 8000%.

    • Lucky Charm says:

      “I feel like when you name your kid after a cocktail” LOL, you’re right. I never put that together. Apple Martin is almost apple martini! My office is having a Zoom Happy Hour for our staff meeting this afternoon, now I’ll have to make some apple martinis for that. :-)

  4. aang says:

    My kids have been ragging me during isolation. It’s all in good fun. And they usually pick on their dad so I’m willing to take a few shots to give him a break.

  5. Kitty says:

    Just curious… Do most kids these days have horrible penmanship like Apple’s?

    • Nicole r says:

      I’m 36 and have horrible penmanship, but I can type very quickly… idk if this is a “kids these days” thing, but it would make sense if kids these days type better than they write.

      • WingKingdom says:

        Yes… even before the switch to online learning, my kids completed most of their work in Google Classroom. So they type like champions but their handwriting is dreadful. I used to make them practice their handwriting, but finally realized that the thinking part of writing is much more important than the form.

    • Snazzy says:

      you’d be surprised, I feel like horrible penmanship is the norm. People just don’t write anymore.

      Edit: @Nicoler, yes my sister is 34 and is the same!

      • lucy2 says:

        It truly is. We’ve had a bunch of high school/college age interns the last few years, and the handwriting looks like kindergarten level.

    • Ann says:

      That’s all I noticed. The handwriting is terrible. I’m 35 and have horrible handwriting but it’s better than this. This looks like the refrigerator art from my 4 year old niece, minus the vagina stuff, obviously.

    • Fleur says:

      I noticed the same thing. It’s….this is the penmanship of a seven year old. It’s a bit horrifying to think a skill people perfected over centuries is gone in a generation.

    • whatever says:

      Or maybe (since this is Apple’s interpretation of her mom’s list) Gwyneth actually has terrible penmanship and this was part of Apple mocking her.

    • Mabs A'Mabbin says:

      Here for the same thing. Damn. Looks like something my boys wrote in 3rd and 4th grade. But sure, it’s a cute go-between mother and daughter. My guys and I have open relationships, but with boys, that can be a tough pill to swallow. I rrrrrreaaaaalllly don’t want to hear many things I hear lol.

    • NotSoSocialButterfly says:

      Some school districts are no longer teaching cursive.

      Some people have dysgraphia.

      • Mabs A'Mabbin says:

        Yeah my youngest doesn’t know cursive. But decent skills don’t require cursive.

        Dysgraphia can be a factor but thankfully, percentages of those afflicted remain quite low by comparison. If Miss Apple suffers from dysgraphia, I’m very sorry. Doubt it though. Her mother would’ve used it.

    • fifee says:

      I used to have a “nice” writing style, since I stopped working and never really have to write anything anymore, when I do I notice how its went to shit and I have to practice for a bit before writing anything.

    • Alyse says:

      TBH I have about 5 levels of handwriting tidiness, depending on my audience/time. When I try it’s very very neat (best handwriting in my class!) But when I’m in a rush, it’s a full on doctors scrawl…
      Apple may have scrawled this down as a joke for her Mum, not expecting it to go public.

    • Alyse says:

      TBH I have about 5 levels of handwriting tidiness, depending on my audience/time. When I try it’s very very neat (best handwriting in my class!) But when I’m in a rush, it’s a full on doctors scrawl…
      Apple may have scrawled this down as a joke for her Mum, not expecting it to go public.

  6. Sara says:

    Not related but… Since there isn’t much new to report on, I’d love to read more vintage celebrity gossip on this site. Perhaps pick a celebrity every week to focus on?

  7. Whatnow says:

    Speaking only for the schools in my area I can attest to the fact they do not teach cursive writing so I don’t know is if a lot of kids know how to write anymore send it.

    I don’t know how you sign an official document if you don’t know how to write your name in cursive at least.

    I can also attest to the fact that in my schools they don’t teach you how to tell time or count money either

  8. Jayna says:

    I thing Goopy and Chris are probably really good parents. Actually, Chris’ story on Ellen not too long ago brought a tear to my eye. Apple had just started at her first part-time job at a clothing store. You have to go watch the video on YouTube regarding what he said about being so proud and going there to see her — well, surprising her there by being in the checkout line. It’s a really cute story and funny. I thought to myself, what a sweetheart he is and sentimental father.