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90s indie rocker, Liz Phair, has a new album out, Soberish, today! It’s her first in over 10 years. I know her from her ‘93 and ‘94 albums, her debut Exile in Guyville and follow up Whip-Smart. Now I have Supernova and F’ck and Run stuck in my head! I was so happy to see an interview with Liz in OK! Magazine of all places. She’s 54 and says so many wise things that I wanted to discuss. The part where she talks about falling in love was particularly relevant to me.
Can you explain the title, Soberish?
I felt very “soberish” because it was a difficult year with so many things going wrong and layer after layer of unsafe, unpredictable conditions. I also felt the name could be interpreted to mean things we do to avoid direct reality – not just substance abuse, but all the different ways we can exist in denial and in escapism. If you’re using any trick or habit to keep from having to confront truth and reality head-on, you’re probably “soberish,” you know?Do you use any of those tricks?
I live my life mostly sober. And then when I’m not sober I don’t feel ashamed or bad because I keep the baseline OK. When I do go into those states, I feel connected to my humanness and my sort of oceanic oneness with the world. So for me, keeping a balance is helpful.The album has songs about romances gone bad. Does that reflect where you are now?
Kind of. I’m a complicated person and I don’t couple up easily. So there are a lot of starts and stops in my relationships, and sometimes I’m not the victim but the one with the shiv. I think I’m at that stage where you kind of have a halfway decent life and it takes a lot for you to want to change that. I wish I were younger and knew less. It would make it easier to fall in love.
[From OK! Magazine, print edition, June 7, 2021]
Liz also said she stopped making music for so long because she “switched to scoring television when my son was in school” so she wouldn’t need to tour. Her son is in college now so she’s back at it. She’s going on tour this summer with Alanis Morrissette and Garbage! I would love to see that show.
Liz’s thoughts about relationships remind me of something Jane Fonda said recently. She said that she is happy single because she can go to bed when she wants and do what she wants with her day, essentially. That’s the practical aspect of it, and also when you reach your late 40s/early 50s, you’ve seen so much that you know what to look out for. The type of guys I dated 20 years ago throw off red flags now because I’ve dealt with all that sh-t already. I think that’s what Liz means, that we know how things are going to go and most of the time it’s not worth the effort.
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Same. I hear this.
She tells no lies
Also same. My current BF is either not as experienced or not as jaded as I am, so half the shit he says to me, I reply, “Oh hon, that’s sweet, but I’ve been down that road before.”
But god bless him, he keeps coming back.
Preach. I really was just thinking lately that I wouldn’t welcome the drama of those feelings again. I’ve been with my partner for 20 years and love him dearly, but the madly in love days are in the past and good riddance. I also don’t get crushes any more. I still flirt occasionally but all my passion is reserved for pets and projects and chillin’ with friends. (And the occasional mystery I can’t put down).
She looks fantastic! I loved her music.
Also I can relate to what Jane says. I don’t have any plans of getting a divorce but if I were to be single one day, I’d stay single. I’ve basically been in one relationship or another since I was 16 and I’m so over it. I fantasize sometimes about being alone.
Agreed
She looks fantastic. She hasn’t aged one bit.
I had a bf who had a crush on her so that’s how I learned of her. She is lovely and smart and cool, she has it all. Playing the guitar was the final straw, if only I was so badass!
I’m so excited for this album and this tour. She was actually supposed to tour last year, but due to COVID, that didn’t happen. Maybe it’s for the best because now we have the new album. I’ve seen her a couple of times, and it definitely sounds like her music has gone back to her roots, none of that weird overproduced, trying to force an image nonsense.
I saw her play a few years ago. She started the set with Fuck and Run. The crowd lost their minds. One of the best concerts I’ve ever seen. Can’t stand Alanis but would totally go Liz and Garbage.
Garbage is one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to. Shirley Manson remains one of my fave artists!
Garbage is so good, I hope to see them at some point soon!
I’d love to see that show. Not the biggest Alanis fan but sometimes seeing a person in concert can change that. I’m going to have to look into this tour…
Thank you both DU and Becks1, it gets a bit confusing because we also heard that they don’t have to accept the pardon but if they do, it’s like they are admitting guilt. Maybe that applied to Nixon and we (husband and I) are getting it all mixed up.
Kinda of moot point to be pardoned so your name is clean for future endeavors when your name is all over the paper and internet. I think it’s more of a sign that they protect their own and will do so. So Trump is basically saying: He did some of my dirty work, but I am coming through and pardoning him……Www.Go2bank1.com
Ditto! I love my single life and realized a long time ago I have not a shred of compromise in my DNA.
Same!
So true. And as the years go by, so many more things become “dealbreakers” that weren’t before. When there is less time left in your life, there is less time to waste in a bad or even in a “meh” situation.
I keep hoping our culture will evolve where single women aren’t pariah.
I realize it’s not exactly the “old maid” days…STILL i notice when I’m in a relationship i’m more interesting to my friends etc. Single just needs to get right w society. I’m at Peace, I’m financially comfy, I love my family & creativity. Still I feel like a quitter
I feel this!!! Much of my feelings on the matter is actually more about valuing yourself therefore you will not accept the BS that men bring to your life. It doesn’t necessarily have to be because you have dealt with it therefore never again, but simply higher standards on how you should be treated as a human/woman and freedom. You are usually more comfortable with who you are and the standards are raised. However, in a patricial society, the men usually are on the same growth pattern – still looking for the younger girls who will accept the BS.
I am Liz’s age, she was the Chicago “It Girl” in the early 90s – all the guys wanted to date her. I totally relate to her, especially this: “I think I’m at that stage where you kind of have a halfway decent life and it takes a lot for you to want to change that. I wish I were younger and knew less. It would make it easier to fall in love. “
I hear this, but isn’t the message her and Jane Fonda are saying is they’re avoiding unhealthy relationships?
I’m happily married now. I loved my single days only because the alternative was an unhealthy dynamic where a guy was intruding on my personal choices. Like when I can see friends and what to eat. But now that I married the right person it doesn’t feel like a chore or a compromise to be with them.
Idk. Sounds like they’re confusing any relationship with unhealthy relationship.
When all your relationships are unhealthy relationships, it starts to feel like your real choice is between singledom and a bad relationship. Not to mention we live in a patriarchy, so we’re raised on Disney dreams but then we grow up and experience infidelity or abuse, watch men retreat when fatherhood arrives or leave entirely when their wives get sick, and generally see women give the men in their lives so much more than they get back– not to mention the prospect of violence that informs our daily lives… For straight women, it can be hard not to generalize and feel like no man, or very few men, have been socialized to be giving and selfless in a relationship with a woman. Be grateful for your good relationship. Some of us have never and will never get that and it’s just something we have to accept, and sometimes it comes out like this, the idea that singlehood is hugely preferable to being in a relationship…
Yes! And it’s bizarre how open some guys are about not really being able to show up for the people in their lives or do emotional labor- I am not quite her age but I have had guys say on dates that they don’t get “family stuff” with their parents and siblings and make it clear that they are looking for someone who is sympathetic that and will handle those relationships for them. Um, no thanks? I don’t think they even realized how needy they sounded.
I’m amazingly grateful for my relationship as I never knew there could be that respect and equal balance.
All this. 100%. This is so well articulated and from my experience, spot-on.
I realize there are great marriages because I’ve seen them. You know, the ones that seem fairly effortless because the two people are so right for each other.
That said, I’ve never had one of those. I unknowingly made the mistake of not seeking out men who I really truly clicked with because it was always the man seeking me out. I didn’t stop to think about how I felt about them. At this point, the guy would have to be absolutely perfect for me to risk having a relationship. I don’t want to mess up any peace I already have.
Yeah, well said. I just haven’t found “the right one” in a way. Sure. However, am I a total quitter in this phase of not actively looking for a live in lover/partner? I mean, the point is, can we get accolades for the more than halfway decent life of me myself & I?
I spent most of March 2020-2021 soberish. I feel confident in my baseline but that was a year I really wanted to check out on so much of it. I’ve been separated a year and am almost divorced and really the idea of dating again sounds like a lot of work and probably not worth it.
Ah, the 90s. So much of my favorite music.
As a 34 year old divorced single mom, I feel you. The divorce has been finalized for almost a year now and I’m on Match and have had some good guys to chat with but then get ghosted.
Also a lot of the time I’m just exhausted and don’t have a lot to give to a dude right now which is terrible. I so wish I could have my 20’s attitude and go out, hook up with someone and get it out of my system for a bit so I can focus on reestablishing my life. But some weird switch flipped inside me when I became a mom and I feel like I just….can’t. I think that honestly surprises me the most, I used to be so good at that!
I Just keep telling myself that it will happen one day and blame it all on the pandemic.
I love, love, love Liz’s music, it was fun to see her arrive on the scene in Chicago and I really related to her first two albums in particular. The tour sounds amazing, I would love to see all the artists.
I don’t know if anyone has read her book but it’s so different from her demeanor in this interview. It (inadvertently, I think) revealed a deeply insecure side of her that actually made me worried for her. I’m glad she seems stronger now, less desperate to find a partner.
She’s awesome, I’d like to see Garbage most, then her. Ditto on relationships, I’m not naive enough anymore, I like my space and my way. I really think to full time cohabitation with another isn’t in my future. I’m not into traditional marriage not my groove. Although I highly doubt it, never say never.
I’m really happy she’s doing well and benefitting from her wisdom. Exile in Guyville is one of my favorite albums to this day, and I think Whip-Smart as an album was seriously underrated, but MAN did she lose me when she started trying to go mainstream. Those albums suuuuuucked, and I’m fine with mainstream if it’s actually good! I love that she’s getting back in the game, especially touring with Alannis and Garbage, who were amazing when we saw them live a couple years ago. Totally getting tickets!
I’m a 90s girl and that tour is calling my name!! I actually went to Lilith fair, lol. Love this.
I was supposed to see this tour last year, but, COVID. They just announced the rescheduled dates, and I’m so excited to fly up to Raleigh and see my best friend in college and sing at the top of my lungs to everything we listened to in 1997.
Sounds fun!
I cannot BELIEVE her son is college-age now. So many things conspiring to make me feel old lately.
I really, truly embrace what she’s saying, and the Jane Fonda quote. I’m happily married with little-ish kids at home (8 and 13) but I know in my heart that if anything were to happen to my husband, I would live out the rest of my days single. I don’t have the energy or patience for opening my life to another person, and I imagine I never will again. I’ve had a great love, it has given me a beautiful family, and I hope we are able to grow old together, but if anything knocks that plan off course, I’m just fine with me.
100% agree with this statement. Happily married for 20 years, 3 kids. But if anything knocked my relationship off course, totally cool with being by myself for the rest of the journey.
Same. 11 years. Hope we last forever, but he’s the last one for sure.
I saw Liz play at a festival in Atlanta two years ago and halfway through the show, she announced she was missing her son’s graduation. She had her drummer pull out his phone and record the crowd shouting congratulations to Nick. I saw her back in 1998 – my first 21+ show – and it was a jarring reminder of how old we had gotten.
First – For concerts, I have seen both Garbage (sooooo awesome) and Alanis (loved her songs but she was Ok). Liz has always been on my list. I’m 43 soon to be 44 and totally feel her re dating now that I am older. I have always love my job but all the guys I’ve dated told me – it was too much and that I was too independent. When it came to – I chose my own happiness over settling with these guys that demanded I give up something I loved doing. I have no regrets – not meant to be.