About six months ago, I wrote this line in a story about Gillian Anderson taking back her boyfriend after he cheated on her. “It’s hard to date in your late 40s/early 50s when you have teenagers at home. The pool is small and dirty, and I bet it’s even worse among those rich famous people.” That’s what came to mind when I read Paulina Porizkova’s post about finding love after 50. Paulina, 56, recently dated director Aaron Sorkin, but that didn’t work out and now she’s finding dating frustrating. She called the dating pool a puddle, which is sadly relatable. Here’s what she wrote in her caption to an Instagram post with a cute photo where she’s covering herself with a hat.
So many of you expressed surprise that a famous model would be on a dating app.
You have offered advice: everything from “you don’t need a man, get a hobby, buy a cat – to – go to parties, call up whomever you’re interested in (because they are sure to want me?) and join a different dating app.
Dating in your fifties, even if you’re seen as attractive, is much different from dating when younger. For one, the pool of available men is now a puddle. The ones who are my age and been single for a long time are single for some very good reasons. And most guy my age are looking for women ten to twenty years younger. Did you know the most searched-for-age on dating app is 50 for a man – and 18 for a woman?! #betweenjloandbettywhite #sexyhasnoexpirationdate #dating #datingpuddle
I have mad respect for Paulina for putting it all out there. I’m also dating and try to stay positive because I only need to meet one person, you know? My life is full and fun, but it would be nice to find someone I resonate with. I realize I’m not alone because so many other women my age are having the same issue. Of course it can be frustrating but I know my worth. I’m cute and a damn catch, and so is Paulina! She’ll meet her person! She’s a supermodel who just put a dating ad on the Internet. Her DMs are about to be full.
Paulina also wrote this about not having to love yourself, just accept yourself, before loving someone else. I don’t really agree though! I do think you have to love yourself. If you don’t, who will?
Wow, that is so interesting. I don’t know, she may be right. I know yesterday someone posted on the Cuomo/Times Up thread that there is a phenomenon where people who do good starting thinking of themselves as good people and then they start to think they deserve to do something bad. That really stopped me in my tracks. I think I’ve been getting a little too fond of myself lately. I still need work, because you have to work on yourself every day. This is interesting timing from Paula. This is a lot to think about, consider, and maybe keep in mind. For me anyway.
If she thinks it’s a puddle after 50, wait till she’s over 60 (I’m 64). And while I’m definitely NOT a model type, I’m not hard on the eyes 😉 Yet, it’s like California in the drought: ‘nary a drop to be had. And she’s right in that the ones that are still single at my age are single for a reason. Most men (even the ones you wouldn’t look at twice, with *awful* profiles) are looking for women at least 20 yrs younger, and if you do meet, if you don’t “put out” fast, they’re gone (good riddance, IMO). And don’t get me started on the ones looking for “Nurses with Purses”!
Now, add in Covid to the dating scene… and I’m still home, alone.
I get it believe me.
+1
Romantic relationships are overrated.
True love will find you in the end
This is a promise with a catch
Only if you’re looking can it find you
‘Cause true love is searching too
But how can it recognize you
If you don’t step out into the light, the light
Don’t be sad I know you will
Don’t give up until
True love will find you in the end
As the saying goes: “from your lips to God’s ears”
Maybe she should try dating a non famous person. If she’s looking through the pool of rich and famous dudes, they’re all going to want someone younger. I think there are plenty of regular men her age who would love to date her.
From personal experience that is a shallow dating pool also.. I stopped dating altogether at 52, just was tired of having to be a dating PI to weed out the liars and users.
I’ll never understand why women don’t realize almost ALL men, IF they had the OPTION (98% men do not) would date the most physically attractive woman who would accept them. The truth is a woman’s PHYSICAL attractiveness, when it comes to hetero men, is just that – their prime: under 30. Men aren’t gonna seek out someone who is not at their peak beauty. It just isn’t realistic. Men search for their best option. A lot of men are married but don’t want to risk being alone despite wanting a more attractive/younger woman.
It’s biology, not personal. It doesn’t matter how good you look as you get older. You’re still older. It’s just a fact you’re past your beauty prime. Let’s stop lying to each other that a 20something body and a 50 year old body are the same in bed to a hetero man.
And most women want a wealthy, tall, attractive man but most won’t get that either.
Seems like women are more realistic about their dating prospects…
The men who perpetuate this message are never prizes either, lol.
Men ONLY care about attractiveness? I think it’s a factor, but not the only one. Some men don’t just want to date a Barbie who is lacking intellectually. And some men date okay looking women who are very accomplished.
“It’s just a fact you’re past your beauty prime. Let’s stop lying to each other that a 20something body and a 50 year old body are the same in bed to a hetero man.”
And let’s stop lying to ourselves that a 50-year-old man can get it on like a 20-year-old man.
If you followed her on Insta you’d know that she is on dating apps. So she is looking other than famous.
I love her. I think she is hilarious and she is honest about so many things. Her page is one I visit every day.
I’m 37 and let me tell you, she is RIGHT. Doesn’t help that I can’t handle the apps. They’re a freaking full time job, searching, swiping, talking, responding and then nothing comes of it — either they ghost you, or you meet up and nah. 95% of the men on the apps are not actually looking for a relationship. 4% are looking for ANOTHER relationship. 1% might be worthwhile, but I haven’t met any of them. Good thing I’m content living alone with the cats, but damn, I’d like to get laid once in a while.
My ex-husband and I used to joke that we were so happy to have met and gotten married before dating apps were a thing … karma, I guess 🙁
“ I’d like to get laid once in a while.”
Isn’t that what Tinder is for?
It’s more complicated than that. For women. You may want casual sex, but not THAT casual, because first of all, just meeting someone whether online or in a bar, and taking him home, can be very dangerous for women. I think a casual, but known to you, fboy is ideal, I know that’s what I’m looking for and even write about what I call my auditions. It’s not that easy! But highly amusing!
Yeah what I need is a f-buddy, but so many of the men on the apps are married and cheating, or looking for a third, or for an authorized (so they say) side chick. All of which, ick.
Also if people are weird on Bumble, 100% they are total sketchballs on Tinder.
C-No yep!
No Tinder is not for that only. Everyone is on Tinder for every type of dating. Thinking yhat Tinder is gor hookups only is so outdated and pretty disrespectful and patronizing
I’m not looking for a relationship either, and I think about using dating apps, but it does seem like a job. Also I find it exhausting.
@C-No, Darla and all you single ladies in your 30’s and early 40s… If you can manage an age difference, I would advise you to look for an older man. Most older guys don’t want to date someone their own age, they want someone 10 years younger, on average. Many of them are decent, fit, intelligent, fiscally responsible guys who want marriage—but they don’t identify as “old” and they are not attracted to “older” women. Sad but true. The good news is now may be the perfect time for you to scoop up a good one! Bonus: you will always feel young, and they will always see you that way, too.
I wish someone gave me this talk when I got divorced in my mid-30’s. I always liked guys my own age, so I didn’t consider an older man. Now I am well over 50, and while there MAY be someone out there for me, Paulina is right about the puddle.
@TeamMeg I have always dated older–usually 15-20 years–and let me tell you: old dudes have decimated my heart. (Older women not so much) Just because they’re older doesn’t mean they’re more mature. It took me near a decade to get over the bullshit this one cat put me through. Not to say all ages can’t be a****** but this one was so related to age and just being stuck in the b.s. he refused to address. I just don’t see age as equal to maturity. Sure, you’ve been through more (I’m 49 now so I know a bit about it) but doesn’t mean that has translated into behavioral changes. Point is, it’s more about the “who” than the age pool. I wish I could date someone my age and hopefully will but I will never put my heart through that kind of hell again. I’m even thinking about going a bit younger though I usually shy away from that as I never want to be referred to as a “cougar” (gag and offensive) or to deal with someone else’s mid-life crisis when I’m already through mine. lol
TeamMeg I am also in my early 50’s, so that won’t work for me. I do meet younger men but wouldn’t go more than 5 years younger I think. Frankly at my age older men are almost 100% undateable.
This is spot on. I’m 38 and have been dabbling on the apps and my god it’s a lot of work! I’m so tired of men holding up fish-like that lets me know anything about you. I hate fish. One date I went on was red-flag city… Oh, you manage the books for your family run business and like to take solo trips to Las Vegas? Cooool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
My guy friend joined the apps a month after he and his wife filed for divorce, like, their papers aren’t even final yet. Doesn’t want a relationship- I don’t know what he’d even doing and I bet he doesn’t either. This is what women are sorting through on the apps and that puddle seems to be the one forming outside a porta potty at a music festival
I am dying laughing at your fish comment.
I’ve been crazy lucky. I divorced at 37 and met my second husband at 41, married at 42. I met him at work and without looking (and I certainly never wanted to get married again!). He is 9 years younger than me and has no baggage and is the most awesome person I’ve ever met. He’s the reason why I now believe in all the things I never believed in before, like destiny, soulmates, etc.
Nobody wants to hear about this! I blog about dating in mid-age and up a lot, and I would kick you right off my blog! LOL I’m only kinda kidding!
@Darla My sister was in an abusive marriage for quite a long time and finally got the courage to dump his a**. She began dating shortly thereafter and kissed a lot of toads to be sure. As my sister put it many of the men were looking for her (quite well to do) to be their retirement plan. My fave was the guy who, on a date, asked to borrow $50,000 from her! At 64 she found the right guy and got married this past Valentine’s Day. She’s had a perpetual smile ever since!!
I’m sorry @Darla, my intention was to give people hope. It can happen! Also, I’ve had my fair share of shitty relationships before, including an abusive marriage.
Oh I hear all you ladies. The struggle is real, especially here in L.A! I was for the most part happily single for 6 years and met my boyfriend online and he’s better than anything I could have imagined. We met last year, both of us in our early 40’s and we are madly in love and its the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. We are currently looking to buy a house together, and then after we will marry.
My point is to never give up because love will find you. I had to endure those sucky dating apps for a while and it was definitely worth it. Your person is out there ❤
She looks amazing. If you’ve got it flaunt it. May she find peace and happiness.
It’s definitely true that once a woman hits her 40s the dating pool dries up and the vast majority of dudes your own age and older are looking for women 10-20 years younger than them. I’ve been experiencing this for the last decade or so. OK Cupid gathered data on this (using search and messaging patterns on their app along with gender and ages) and it was eye opening to say the least. They called the post “The Case for an Older Woman.” They basically pointed out that men were reducing their own odds of finding a partner b/c they were all competing for the same small pool of young women and there are plenty of attractive women in their own age range who are available.
I find her fascinating.
I remember she was also thought as the mean one on ANTM, but I always thought she was tough but fair. She had a veeery messy childhood (check out Wiki) and she became a world famous model as a teenager- must have hardened her quite a bit! She has a very European mentality- in the States (I am clearly generalising) when you look at celeb socia media it feels that if you are not always living your best life/loving yourself you are a bit of a failure.
I’ve never ever felt that I loved myself. I think the reality is a lot more balanced. I have flaws, I am doing ok, I have good days and bad days, sometimes I want to moan and bitch about life and I feel that is normal.
Interestingly Paulina was one of very few famous and beautiful women who owned up about hating ageing. She did a very honest interview where she basically said she hated the fact that age had made her invisible, even more so because she had been so stunning in her younger years.
I found that very refreshing. I hate the whole ‘I’ve never felt so much sexier/stronger/beautiful in my 40s, I cherish my wrinkles’ etc
It almost always comes from actresses who are clearly using botox/fillers. It feels like such a clicheed soundbite.
I also find her fascinating. She’s very open about having borderline personality disorder—narcissism specifically. My dad is a narcissist but unaware that he is. It’s fascinating to see someone be aware and open and talking about it. He’s a terrible person and I just assumed all narcissists are but Paulina doesn’t seem to be.
Borderline personality and Narcissistic are two different personality disorders.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder can exist on its own, but can also be found co-occurring with Borderline Personality Disorder. Not sure why you felt the need to say that but, okay?
Love Paulina! I’ve pretty much stopped dating since my long term relationship ended. I have close friends and a f*ck buddy I call on every now and then. I’ve always been a loner so I think it’s a bit easier for people like me to have this kind of life. I do wonder, as another poster said, if she looks for regular guys. Whatever she does, I appreciate her honesty and I think she comes across as a compassionate person.
Please don’t throw anything at me, but that wasn’t my experience at all when I was dating after my divorce. I met a couple of nice guys and then started dating my now-husband. One of my best friends was also divorced and dating and she met a LOT of nice guys until she settled down and remarried.
However – and this is a big however – I couldn’t believe how judgmental some of my (married) female friends were about the guys we were dating. It’s like they had become blind to their own issues and the issues of their spouses and thought everyone should be free of battle scars. Everyone has their quirks and, by middle age, everyone has been through something, whether that is death of a parent, divorce, job loss, etc. The key isn’t finding someone perfect, it’s finding someone whose quirks you can tolerate and who is committed to growing with you.
That’s heartening! And interesting about married friends!
That’s interesting, my friends are not like that but my family 100% is and took me many years to realize they were coloring my opinions of prospective partners. Like basically I just realized it very recently. It’s sad.
100% also comments from married friends (all marriages before online happened ) disregrading online dating, devaluing and mocking “ah online again? Ah Tinder? Oh who you gonna meet on Tinder?” With being totally oblivious to reality of dating these days. Sometimes so patronizing that drives me mad
“Paulina also wrote this about not having to love yourself, just accept yourself, before loving someone else. I don’t really agree though! I do think you have to love yourself. If you don’t, who will?”
I’m 100% with Paulina on just accepting yourself. As someone who’s bogged down in self loathing and terminally single (I’ve been invisible long before I hit 40), hearing that I have to LOVE myself before anyone else ever will just sounds like a taunt. I can’t love myself, so I should apparently just give up because I’m not good enough.
(Btw, I know low self esteem and self depreciation are turnoffs, but when it’s all you’ve known for decades, it’s hard to just stop. Affirmations just feel super fake too.)
I think you’re spot on Helen. the toxic positivity of “you must Love yourself before you can love someone else” is total bs.
it’s basically self gatekeeping love and relationship.
one of the ways to practice self love (bc it’s not a switch that suddenly flips on) is to be in a healthy, imperfect relationship.
Paulina is right on this one. self acceptance is wonderful and in my book pretty tough to access if one has trauma conditioning but neither is a pre-requisite to being in an adult relationship that can help both grow and learn more about self-acceptance and self-love.
+1. Self-criticism and feelings of being not good enough ebb and flow for me, but never seem to 100% vanish. If my goal is accepting my foibles and perceived flaws, rather than feeling I need to love everything about myself, I think I have a better chance for happiness.
I think self-respect is more important than ‘self-love.’ Acceptance of yourself flaws and all helps as well, but if you have self-respect, you won’t grovel or submit to someone else just because you can’t handle solitude.
She’s right, but at the same time I have a hard time feeling bad for the beautiful supermodel, lol.
I also hate that “single for a reason” thing, I’m sure it’s true for some people, but a lot of other people don’t mind being single and don’t prioritize dating – especially if they’ve been focusing on a career, caring for an ailing parent, dealing with their own health issues, widowed, etc.
I can say from my own personal experience – she is spot on! I divorced in my mid-thirties, and I am 52 now. I have had a couple long term relationships since, but many, many men were just NOT WORTH IT (they lie, they are married and don’t tell you, they have huge emotional problems). She’s right. If they are still single in their 40s/50s, there’s a big reason for that. And (like it or not), many men do want to date younger women. Not all, but many. Even if you are a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman in your 40s/50s.
Fortunately, I found a man finally, two years ago. Well, he reached out to me (yes, on a dating app). We very much mesh together is all the important ways, and I couldn’t be happier. But, I spent enough time alone, and in therapy to be good on my own, and love myself. I don’t need someone to fill that up for me. However, I do love him very much xo
@astrid–Paulina is quite active on Instagram, and I think the Daily Mail is just picking up her posts?
I love her. She is a model who is trying to get work, she’s also super duper honest about putting up no-filter pictures of her aging face and lots and lots of other non bikini stuff that doesn’t get picked up.
The most searched for age for a woman is 18? That’s kind of sick.
Awful.
#datingpuddle made me laugh. I like her. My ex has moved on quickly, well there was moving on before we were divorced so there’s that, and it amazes me the ease with which some people are always able to find the next one. Another middle aged couple I know have been divorced about a year and both are in new relationships. I don’t think that will be me.
She is so beautiful and I love what she’s sharing at this point in her life. She’s an inspiration even though what she’s going through is tough.
In my 50s and not even trying dating apps at this point. So many times I’ve seen profiles of men my age that looked interesting only to be horrified that they start their “preferred age” at 18 and end it five to ten years before their own age. I’m not bitter generally, but this is so common that it starts making me lose my attraction for men altogether because I just don’t relate to being older and hoping to date people who are barely legal. Fortunately, I enjoy my own company!
Yeah I wouldn’t respond to a m an with that in their profile either.
Totes. But there are some guys out there in their 50s who do not not not not want to deal with having more children than they already have and are looking for companionship with someone who has also answered the will I have kids dilemma one way or another.
Honey… I just have to say that the pool of available, decent men is ALWAYS a puddle.
*sigh*
I think as you get older, you get less tolerant of people and their bullsh**, so it just feels especially futile post forty…
LOL yes. a puddle in the sahara.
I followed her entire career and she was always my favorite. At a time when she could’ve been the biggest supermodel on the planet, she just decided to get married and have a couple kids. I enjoy her Instagram account because seems a lot brainier than the average ex supermodel. I hope she finds happiness because she married a guy so much older than her and I feel like he was a bit controlling.
This is the first time in my life that I’ve been truly single. It’s been the best time of my life! Sure, I get lonely and horny a lot but I refuse to settle anymore and took myself off all apps.
I think accepting yourself is dang close to loving yourself…at least for me. I see my flaws and embrace them (unless I need to change them) now because it’s all part of the package.
Oddly enough, when I was actively trying to date I attracted a lot of younger men. I don’t understand this phenomenon but I have no shame in my game. If they have mommy issues, that’s on them. I was just out there getting to know what I liked and having fun with some cuties. And what I prefer now is being a lone she wolf. So hats off to all of you for your dating statuses and for continuing the search! May we all find peace and love, even if it isn’t from a partner.
My problem with the adage about loving yourself first is that for anyone who is suffering from mood disorder or self-esteem issues it’s very likely going to result in feeling unlovable and I believe there are very few people who actually unlovable.
Apart from all those in the GOP, you mean 🙂
I like to think of it as “liking” yourself first. Do a mental (or write a list if need be) list of the things you like about yourself. Both physical and personality traits. We may not have Paulina’s body (does anyone?) but we may have great eyes. Focus on liking those things about yourself each day until you believe you can rock those things. Before you know it you will have more confidence in those things about yourself. It always feels fake when you are trying to change old behaviours!
I’m having a dating renaissance in my 50’s for a few reasons. 1. I am not of child bearing age and many men don’t want anymore or any children so I check that box. 2. I have no children so even if they have children they appreciate that I can focus on their family. 3. I’m attractive and in good shape. So I look younger but have the wisdom and financial independence of someone their age. That said the dating pool is smaller and murkier for sure. I get asked out by younger guys and it’s quite refreshing. Also the moment I lay a foot onto continental Europe my dance card is full. I’m thinking Paulina is looking for a big kahuna. Searching for your second or third husband in the Hamptons is almost a full time job. Hey if Lauren Sanchez can land a billionaire she should too. She would just have to ignore their personality, looks, etc.
Call me out on this, but if you truly know exactly what you want, and ask for exactly that, the universe will send it to you.
It happened to me at 34, and I just wish I had been more specific about the hair color cos I’m sure I would’ve gotten that too!
I got literally everything and I didn’t even really believe it myself, that such a creature existed but here he is.
Make a list, check it twice, and “be ready” for it. It’ll come.
I certainly like the idea of this, thank you!
I hear her… I am in early 40 s and giving up every single week. As someone mentioned above dating seems like a full time job and I am not looking for relationship! I have success with younger guys in their 30 s but it is still all mostly chatting and nothing else. Sometimes I am getting very upset of why I can”t meet someone. Overall it os all so frustrating…
I recently met a lady in her mid-60’s that told me that she took out an ad in Craigslist (when there were still personals) and wrote an honest essay about herself, her interests, and what she was looking for. She said she got over 100 responses from men her age that were looking for the same thing she was. She said she met a bunch of quality guys from that pool and is now in a long-term relationship with one. I think it’s a matter of finding the quality guys that are looking but maybe not on the apps.
Booette, I actually don’t agree it’s biological that men want only beautiful women under 30. I think it’s cultural and social and men want a pass so say it’s “science.” I say it’s bullshit. If that’s biological, then so is beautiful women under 30 only wanting to date billionaires. Pure science.
Carla, I like your friend’s theory. Very much. I think it makes a great deal of sense and takes a great deal of tact.
IMO not just about love but most things, the more aggressive you are the more you get. I see/ speak to many people and notice this, whether a partner, promotions, better jobs , what they want the more persistent they are the more successful they are in achieving their goal. I note the more pleasant/ better social skills/ better looking helps but I agree with the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
I wrote this because sometimes I am that and generally do have good outcomes with persistence but it’s not easy to do, takes work and willingness to take risk of failure ( don’t take risks like losing $ or danger) , more failure like everyone knows you tried for something and failed.
You know what I mean?
I think it’s common that women try for someone their own age or older, but I say go younger. My husband is 4 years younger, and basically all my friends and cousins have husbands 4-8 years younger. I also know guys in their 20’s that date 40-year olds, heck, even 50.
She is rich, lol, why doesn’t she just date younger?
I think she means the pool of RICH available men is now a puddle as they are going after younger women. If she were to look for a man who wasn’t rich or famous no matter what age she’d have no problem
It’s always been a puddle, it’s just that before she was a young beautiful supermodel so she got to pick and choose, unlike the rest of us average folks.