Ashton Kutcher and Reese Witherspoon are trying to promote their film Your Place or Mine. It’s… not going well. The premise is already a hard sell for a rom-com because it’s two best friends who switch homes so that Reese’s character can find herself again or something. But surprise! Actually Ashton’s character has always been in love with her. But Reese has to dump Jesse Williams, whom she started dating because she left her kid with Ashton. This is all in the trailer, btw. I’m not spoiling anything. The weirdest part is it seems to take place with our two romantic leads on separate coasts. So it’s Romance by FaceTime – fun. The fact that the two aren’t in the same room might be the movie’s saving grace, because Ashton and Reese are tanking the red carpet. Their lack of chemistry has overshadowed the press tour. Even Ashton’s wife Mila Kunis tried to help the pair by joining the vocal criticism (I don’t get it either but that’s what she went with).

So Ashton has finally defended his awkward Are They First Cousins? body language with Reese. He told the Chicks in the Office podcast that the reason he and Reese react like same pole magnets is because he’s avoiding affair rumors. If he slipped an arm around her shoulders, he’d make headlines for sleeping with her. Ooooh, okay.

Here’s the thing, OK? Here’s the thing. If I put my arm around her and was, like, all friendly with her, I’d be having an affair with her. The rumor would be that I’m having an affair with her. If I stand next to her, and I put my hands in my pockets, there’s no chance that could be the rumor. The rumor is we don’t like each other… Reese and I are really good friends. We’re really close. I don’t have to defend that.

[From Chicks in the Office via DListed]

A cheater says what now? I’m not buying it. Plenty of people have promoted rom-coms by cuddling on the red carpet and all people talked about was how much chemistry they had. As has been pointed out repeatedly, Oscar Isaac practically licked Jessica Chastain’s armpit and no one accused them of anything other than raising the temperature of Cannes. Now, maybe that’s why Ashton is doing it, but nobody would have jumped to that conclusion. People accused Ashton of having affairs during his first marriage because he was having affairs during his first marriage, not his red carpet behavior. But, okay, he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s knocking boots with Reese. Mission Accomplished. So accomplished, they’re spending their entire junket trying to convince everyone they actually like each other. Kind of swung that pendulum a little far in the wrong direction, didntcha? You know what else this Awkward Body Stance has successfully made go away? Ashton’s defense of his rapist (whatever, alleged) buddy Danny Masterson.

Ashton also blamed his awkwardness on his hearing loss from his bout with vasculitis in 2019. It’s left him almost deaf in one ear, which has made the chaos on red carpets overwhelming. That makes sense. I’m sure it’s a combination of things. I don’t think he and Reese dislike each other but I don’t think they make any sparks, either.

I also think Ashton took the notes and corrected because here he is hugging Reese on stage. So, according to Ashton’s logic, are they sleeping together now? I hope not because that hug is worse than not touching her.

Photo credit: Getty Images for Netflix