We have another brillant masterpiece from Gwyneth Paltrow today! Ah, Thursdays. “And God said let there be Goop!” Thankfully, Gwyneth moved her bowels so we don’t have to hear about another f-cking juice detox. This time, the constipation is in Gwyneth’s mind. And she admits it herself! While telling us that she plans to “learn how to meditate” Goopy admits: “My brain drives me mental.” I swear, I am incapable of even pretending to write the hilarious gems Gwyneth comes up with.
My New Year’s resolution is to learn how to meditate. It’s always sounded like something I should do, but I don’t know how to. My friends who do it say it’s really freakin’ brilliant. They say you can’t know the peace/awareness/contentment until you do it. My brain drives me mental. I am going to start. Tomorrow. I asked three amazing people to share how they achieve this bliss. Their approaches are different but I think they are pretty much landing in the same spot. I think I get it. Love, Gwyneth
[From Goop]
Anyway, blah, blah, Gwyneth asks her “good friends” for advice on mediation, you can read all about in this week’s Goop newsletter. Now, I have a Hindu father who claims to “meditate” all the time, but they just look like catnaps to me. But still, I’ll be one of Goopy’s special friends for a moment and give her some meditation advice for beginners: just start with the breathing exercises, anyone can do them at any time. Just concentrate on exhaling for a beat of ten, then inhaling for a beat of ten. And on and on. That always calms me. And it makes my brain less mental.
Gwyneth Paltrow rocking a faux-Flock of Seagulls look in LA on January 8, 2010. Credit: Gaz Shirley/Ben Dome @ Pacific Coast News.
Her mouth drives me mental.
why is this chick relevant
she does “power” yoga and Ujjayi breathing is a critical component to that, so how the hell did she not learn to focus in order to meditate? Plus, aren’t all yoga sessions ended with corpse pose – yet another way to transition into meditation?
Maybe she should get a lobotomy.
& she in turn drives all of us mental whenever she opens her mouth.
She’s british now? Didn’t Madonna already try that like 15 years ago? Gwynnie, you’re so passe!
i don’t want to read the GOOP newsletter but i am powerless to resist the uptight, faux british trainwreck that is “fishticks” paltrow. brilliant.
Just the mention of her makes me naseous.
Her goopi-ness drives me mental.
It’s hard to still the mind even when you’re in corpse pose – my yoga teacher tells us all the time to focus, to forget the shopping list and all the other worries that we carry around with us, and to just “be present”. Yoga teaches that the mind is like a “chattering monkey”, always trying to distract us, so it’s a constant effort to achieve that mental quietude even if you’ve been practicing yoga for a long time!
with all her detoxing and yoga and god knows what else maybe she should stop smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day…
tedious phoney-meditate on that fish sticks…
She is seven shades of stupid. Why in the world does she think we care?
Kaiser, your posts usually crack me up, but this: “Thankfully, Gwyneth moved her bowels so we don’t have to hear about another f-cking juice detox.”
Priceless! LOL
And yeah, I’d be really surprised if she hasn’t tried meditation in the past, too.
SHE IS MENTAL.
Goopie still smokes? And her brain makes her “mental?” Hey, folks, it’s no wonder the big roles aren’t going to Goopie these days. If her brain makes her “mental,” can you imagine how “mental” she must make the people around her? Jeez, just look at the videos on Goop.com where she’s cooking. There’s one where she treats roasting a chicken like she’s creating life. Goopie needs Xanax.
Maybe the fact that she’s not detoxing means she’s lost a lot of time on the toilet for meditation.
I suggest she try putting her head in there and flush repeatedly. Is it me or has she gotten a lot dumber since moving there? She was always a pretentious twit, but now she’s like a really dumb pretentious twit.
Can someone please remind me why she has the nickname “fishsticks”? Thanks in advance.
@Sumodo: Her cooking videos are so frickin’ entertaining. She tries so hard to be a cross between The Barefoot Contessa Ina Garten and Giada De Laurentiis! Add the fake British accent and it is a HILARIOUS experience to behold!
@LolaBella–Aren’t her cooking videos a hoot? I make room for my own special time to watch them, they are pure comedy gold. She reminds me of those women (Jennifer Garner is one, my youngest sister is another) who thinks that her smallest actions and bodily functions are of the utmost importance to everyone. (Jennifer Garner is obsessed with using the words “breeding” and “suckling”–GAH! My youngest sister is always constipated). Anyway, back to Goopie. She is a navel-gazer and pretentious! I know my middle sister is reading this and laughing her head off. When pretentious navel-gazers try to be earth-mothers, look out! That’s how you create a Garner, Goopie or Contessa. They live in a vacuum.
Watch for next Thursday, where Das Goop explains to us mere mortals that results are best obtained by ONLY meditating on a special imported Thai caterpillar-silk meditation mat which costs about $10,000 … but it’s SO WORTH IT, as the simple things often are.
Her sheltered life is a cliche of what her closest companions and the liberal world thinks, and she imagines is notable and morally sound she has travelled widely experienced much so she excels in multiple fields. Closed in a fuzzy-wuzzy luxury cloud of artists and the very rich who pretend and reinact on film and stage make believe.. and they do such great deeds with donation funding; people she knows personally make her think what she says is amazing and what she does is brillant but it is commom occurance to everyone else. It’s really kinda funny and sad she wants to take the pulse of the world but only her heart beats register. I made a simple chicken dinner and here’s what to buy if you want to invest in the best? Is this the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together with you all? Best of both worlds. No wonder her thoughts and feelings collide.
@BEEBEEC—spot on!!!
Ah, to live in your own sheltered little Goopy world…
I don’t think she has any true self awareness.
Up thread, Kaye asked the question: why is Goopie sometimes referred to as “Fishstick?” I think it comes from Perez Hilton about five years ago, and it was meant to describe her shape, and her cold fish personality.
I don’t think she smokes anymore. She gave it up when she got pregnant with her first.
The “fishsticks” nickname was coined by Ted Casablanca.
Ted Casablanca was the one who named her Fishsticks. He really disliked her and mocked her every chance he got, and then suddenly….he became brainwashed by her charming Goopiness somewhere along the line, and then he stopped calling her that. And then he started actually saying nice things about her. And that’s when I stopped reading Ted Casablanca.
That “Flock Of Seagulls” hairdo’s driving me mental!
I know just how she feels.
Really, Ted C did it? Sounds more like a Michael K-ism to me.
fishsticks is funny. i also remember “chicken cutlets” when she wore a particularly unflattering gray dress to some awards show. in reference to her you know whats. poor gwynnie. she does try so hard.
She had a small role in the movie Running with Scissors where she cooked fishsticks for dinner. I saw the movie a few years back so I don’t quite remember the accurate details but I think her sister made fun of Goopy’s character by comparing her with the fishsticks: cold and bland.
Her role was minimal in the movie and I remember the movie was quite good.
Poor, poor Fishy. Her life is so hard.
You know, dear, if your brain drives you so mental, try having it removed. God knows at least 65% of it is gone already.
This girl has no humour. Het letters al all so serious, she really needs to lighten up!
Huh? What she says makes perfect sense to anyone who meditates or has studied dharma. Meditation is to watch one’s thoughts as they play through our heads like tape reels, constantly chattering away. Monkey brain as Bina mentioned. What is, is, not necessarily our thoughts. Substitute “mind” for “brain” here and it is the basis for the why of meditation, it can absolutely makes us mental.