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I had been staring at several other websites’ posts about Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest Goop newsletter (here to read it on Goop‘s site), in which she recommends we all go on a detox diet because we’re all so fat and middle-class, and I was struck by a spooky sense of déjà vu. I went through the Celebitchy archives, and I figured out why – this is the third f-cking time in a year that Gwyneth has recommended a detox juice diet to us! The first time Gwyneth did it, her Goop was still shiny and new, and she offered us a fancy faux-cabbage-but-not lemon water diet. The second time was this past summer, when Gwyneth “recommended” a detox juice diet, but would only describe parts of it – so basically, you had to pay to find out. Anyway, here’s Gwyneth latest snotty missive:
For all of us resolution detoxers who want to start the year anew, I have asked Doug Evans and Denise Mari, co-founders of New York City’s fantastic Organic Avenue to contribute their knowledge. I discovered Organic Avenue a few years ago through a girlfriend who was about to do one of their fasts, and I joined her on the 5 day program. The result was pretty amazing and the juices and smoothies (esp. the coconut mylk and the cacao smoothie) were so delicious that I imbibe them whenever I’m in NYC. They make a cleanse easy with different degrees of gnarlyness and home delivery if you are in manhattan. If you aren’t, like me, Denise Mari, the juice guru has given us some recipes for a DIY fast. Love, Gwyneth.
[From Goop]
Okay, so after recommending three major juice detoxes in one year, I’m starting to think Gwyneth is constipated. I mean that literally, not in a “what does that bitch have stuffed up her ass?” sort of way. I mean, literally, Gwyneth has problems moving her bowels, and she’s literally full of sh-t. She’s got in her head that she needs to pay extraordinary sums of money to “detox” when she really just needs to get a little more fiber in her diet. Eat a banana, honey. Try some Metamucil.
Written by Kaiser
Posted in Diets, Gwyneth Paltrow
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58 Responses to “Gwyneth Paltrow needs more fiber in her diet”
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She has the strangest body ever.
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oh…and what about the frickin’ $500 blender her “juice guru” recommends??? no problem in this economy, right GOOPY??
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She means well.
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“I imbibe them whenever I am in Manhattan”?! IMBIBE?! Someone got a Word A Day Calendar for Christmas!
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Detoxing is good for lots of reasons. Not just for pooping! Its good to cleanse your organs of toxins that can cause an illness. So dont knock it until you’ve tried it. Not everyone relies on silly commercials to guide their health.
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just what we need…some brainless has-been pushing girls into the arms of anorexia…smart move really
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My guess is she is being paid by these people to promote their products a la Kim Kardashian
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“coconut mylk”? “cacao smoothie”? “different degrees of gnarlyness”? it’s not even (that much) fun ragging on GP anymore – she makes it too goddam easy. p.s. the organic avenue “cleanses” she recommends are like, $400.
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This is the most hilarious post I’ve seen on this site.
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her head is so far up her own ass its rediculous.
WHO SAYS “IMBIBE”!!??
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Imbibe???! Geez, mon. Shut up and sit the f*ck down, Gwyneth, no one cares….
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ien,
I agree. But none of the ‘detox’ diets she has suggested seem to actually remove a swollen head from a clenched butt which seems like the one colon cleanse she could actually benefit from.
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yea, she means well. if you hate her site so much, why do you read it?
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“I imbibe them whenever I am in Manhattan”?! IMBIBE?! Someone got a Word A Day Calendar for Christmas!
photo jojo-you just gave me the first fantastic laugh of 2010, thanks so much!
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I have a goopie sister. She digs this crap. She gives advice like this. I ignore the hell out of her and it gets her SO PISSED OFF! Ignore Goopie and she’ll go away. (Hilarious post! We need more items like this!!!)
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I’m going to sound like a big nerd here, but it’s not uncommon for me to use the word imbibe. I’ve got to cut her some slack on that one.
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“different degrees of gnarlyness…”
LOL!!
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She needs to do a detox on her overprocessed hair!
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FYI, bananas are constipating. Try some pineapple!
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Weird, I did teh Blue Print Cleanse after hearing her talk about it (it’s GREAT but expensive) …
my guess is she’s like me and trys new things a lot and wants to tell her friends… but since she’s a celebrity it sounds like pain endorcements or something.
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I wonder if she is geting paid for putting these people on her site. There was speculation about her Morocco trip.
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Your liver does all the detoxing your body needs. These “cleanses” are nothing but pseudoscience and marketing. I’d like to say she should know better but . . .
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Agreed Mollyb! Gwyn needs to imbibe some info from a real dietitian who would NEVER endorse some stupid cleanse!
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Baaaaaahahahahahahahaha!
I read the headline and instantly thought “because she’s full of $hit!”. She’s such a pretentious twat. She “imbibes”, her punctuation is all over the place, I’m pretty sure gnarlyness isn’t a word, and she spelled milk with a y. Ugh! It’s just another hoity-toity plug from Ms. Holier-Than-Thou. Whatever…
Sumodo – Your Goopy sister reminds me of my Oprah-loving aunt. She does EVERYTHING Oprah recommends. One time I actually got into such a huge argument with her I told her to call Oprah to watch her kids, since they are such BFF’s. She shut up after that!
(ETA: I commented before I read the other comments. I love you guys. You are hilarous!)
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@Mollyb I agree. Detoxing is bad for you. Your body will do it for you on it’s own.
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@Mollyb I agree. Detoxing is bad for you. Your body will do it for you on it’s own.
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I support detoxes, but they’re not for everyone.
I like that Gwyneth provides insight on various short-term cleanses.
And I like Gwyneth most of the time.
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I didn’t know bananas were constipating. I know that apples sure aren’t. I eat two of those babies at night. Whew! Early morning mud train! Apple juice too!
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No such thing as a detox, Gwennie – that’s why God gave you a liver and kidneys….dumb, rich, and ugly is no way to go through life girl!
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Lemme guess – she and William Joel imbibe them together as oft they get the chance!
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Glad I’m not the only one to say….’detoxes’ are bs. It’s why you have a liver.
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You should correct the title. It should be something like: “Gwyneth Paltrow needs more FOOD in her diet” (like, real food, not brown rice and stuff). That would be accurate.
As someone said before, detox diets are stupid. That’s what our liver and kidneys are for.
And, who uses words like “imbibe” and “gnarlyness”? Just pompous asses like Gwyneth (the exception being Paul Simon, of course. He’s like, the master of using weird words in music). The funny thing is that I used to like her a lot. I just don’t understand when and why she became this egomaniac monster. But I guess it has something to do with her new “british” self. Also happened to her friend Madonna…
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Someone check — if her “detoxes” just HAPPEN to fall around major events (press junket, premiere, awards show), then I call foul. In the 70′s they were called CRASH DIETS, to fit in a designer’s sample dress.
I thought she only eats foods kissed by the gods, blessed by mother earth, and cooked by natural sunlight, anyway. What is she so desperate to detox out?
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I actually find her newsletter to be endearing in a way. She may be out of touch with us “commoners” so to speak but rather than flaunting her good fortune or trying to put people down she really seems to care about being a holistically healthy person. I commend anyone who promotes a healthy lifestyle (even if her methods may be out of reach to most people).
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She is not a nutrition expert. She’s a celebrity. She should not be giving out advice telling people to fast, detox, etc. She has no expertise in this field.
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I guess Goop really is full of shit.
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She is intellectually constipated and permanently.
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Her website is the only example I can site as a legitimate reason for ending the 1st amendment. Pompous ass.
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Right on, zita!
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Thanks CB. I just went on her site after seeing you guys bagging it all the time and I actually like it! There are some great little finds there. She means well and she is only sharing what she finds important.
Whats wrong with that?
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Yeah Gwyneth may be a pain in the arse but i too say ‘imbibe’, it’s not that uncommon peoples. I wish I had the discipline to do one of these detox’s, but I last about 5 hours and as soon as i’m hungry – I eat!
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Nothing wrong with a glace of warm mylk before the fyre.
She studied art history for a year at UCSB. That means she’s essentially uneducated. She married a twat rock star and slapped on a faux–sorry, foe–London accent. That’s why, in 1998, she was properly voted “Most Stuck-Up” by Movieline.
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Means well but has too much time n money to pursue enlightenment in the form of bodyily improvement. Its a rush to feel good or healthier after a juice or whatever trick you try… but constantly chasing it as another thing.
Another addicted star…. LOL
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i love the lipstick color.
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I love that she just clings on to whatever health/diet fads are in vouge and regurgitates them as original thoughts and ideas. what an upper crust cliche.
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Don’t know about this dissing of the folk that say “inbibe” – bit 9th grade ‘hassle out the nerds’ for me. Personaliy I like people to speak eloquently and to use a vocab of above 3000 basic words.
Dissing GPaltrow on the other hand .. (Rund to get pom-poms out).
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yep, bananas are not what you want to eat if you are constipated. strawberries, pomegranate, blueberries, apples, pretty much anything else besides bananas.
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it is called crash diet as someone said before…your body loses weight bc these juices contain little calories…
its an old eating-disorder-thing…
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“Its good to cleanse your organs of toxins”
Ooh, don’t go explaining the positives….
This is Perez-Hilton culture retards doing their premature-soccermom thing
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I don’t think she’s pretentious. She is a product of her environment. Pretentious people emulate her. They wish to be seen as a product of HER environment.
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the best GOOP ever was the one about making a party music list. she says “gwyneth paltrow is not a musician but is an avid music fan and knows how to get down.” ok, i am a pale white nerd-girl myself,but i have never seen anyone more unlikely to know how to “get down.”
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I read GOOP and imagine I’m bored and rich with time to do whatever I want…
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This is just designer bulimia: overeating followed by overcrapping. We all called it bulimia when Princess Di or Britney were overdoing the enemas and laxatives — just cause Gwyn is picking her chemicals up at Organic Avenue doesn’t make it any different.
I’m also amazed that in all the coverage of Goop’s detox, every single article doesn’t mention her hospitalization following one of these genius “cleanses”.
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I would never suggest that one of my pet parents put their animal on a ‘juice only’ diet. It strikes me as terribly unhealthy, unbalanced, and far too high in simple sugar/fructose which could lead to glucose issues. People who want to ‘cleanse’ themselves should stick to high fiber, lots of greens, tons of clear liquids, not some ‘cleanse’ nonsense that is putting undue stress on the body and on your endocrine system. I guess, and this is only my opinion, if I come across a diet that I would NEVER suggest for a dog/cat I am seriously leery of.
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I’ve noticed that British people have more extensive vocabularies than most other English speaking nations. If you live there, it must rub off on you.
I don’t have any problems with Gwyneth. She has a good heart, I think. There are so many celebrities who add nothing to this world. I like her website. Often it’s not relevant to me, but sometimes it is, and it’s fun to read.
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Haha. I’m doing a juice detox now. If you juice fast/detox/feast, you have to supplement the lack of fiber with regular enemas or colonics in order to move your bowels. Yes, it sounds like hippie, vegan prattle; but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it correcty. It’s really freeing.
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What is strange about her body? Talk about your high, elite standards. She’s a 10.
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