Lindsay Lohan smacks Chelsea Handler’s butt at the VMAs

Lindsay Lohan made an appearance in the opening video segment of the VMAs last night, which were unspectacularly hosted by Chelsea Handler. Handler’s introductory video involved her being smacked on the butt and pursued down hallways prior to supposedly going on stage. Every single one of the guys who was smacking and/or chasing Chelsea was black, which seemed like more than a coincidence given her racially-tinged excuse for humor. (It’s possible those were just the guys who were in the building when she shot it, but I doubt it and think it was part of her concept.) She unnecessarily inserted race into a couple of jokes in her opening monologue, too, and those were pretty weak as is typical for her. I’ll include some of her quotes in a moment. First let’s talk about tired and strung-out looking Lindsay’s appearance at the end of the segment. She tried to give Chelsea some kind of tough love pep talk and ending up smacking her on the butt, too. One of Lindsay’s lines was mildly amusing, but other than that it was lame. Lindsay smacked Chelsea after her faux alcohol-detection ankle bracelet went off and said: “Pull it together, you’re a mess. Do you think anyone wants to work with a drunk? Take it from me, they don’t.” Given how worn out Lindsay looked, it was hardly a triumphant moment for her to poke fun at herself.

For her opening act Chelsea was lowered onto the stage with a giant house on her head while Lady Gaga played in the background. She opened it and released a dove from inside it, but the poor dove wouldn’t fly and sat on one of the dancers for a moment.

During the monologue Chelsea made a bunch of dumb jokes that were supposed to be topical but just sounded weak

Her lame jokes on race She joked that she didn’t drink all week in preparation, but was “high as a kite.” That’s “The last time I do a prayer circle with Snoop Dogg. Angry black man what a surprise,” she added.

She encouraged people to get wild and said “I’m also not opposed to use weapons this evening. If anyone needs one I snuck in a couple of sawed off shutguns in my purse. Security didn’t check in it because I’m white.” Har de har har.

To Lady Gaga and Beyonce: “Enough with the adult onesies. You guys look leotarded

On Jersey Shore and how she’s from Jersey: “If you leave Jersey you may host the VMAs, if you stay in Jersey you may host the herpes.

Everybody knows they have it.”

On the Mel Gibson tapes: “A few of the biggest hits weren’t even nominated. My personal favorite was a series of duets released by that Russian woman featuring Mel Gibson.

This is why I don’t watch Chelsea’s show. She manages to make even interesting pop culture into something dumb, petty and racist. It seems pretty apt for Lohan to make her first post-jail appearance with Chelsea. I hope that this little segment dramatically decreases the amount that outlets are willing to pay Lindsay for her first interview.

Here’s Chelsea’s opening monologue. (This video only works if you’re in the US, sorry!)





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25 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan smacks Chelsea Handler’s butt at the VMAs”

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  1. Marjalane says:

    I’ve already been nasty about Chelsea’s hosting in another thread, but I’ll go another round! At first I thought she was just nervous, but after a minute or two I decided she had to be wasted; She had no timing, she looked angry, (actually she looked really cheap and slutty) and her jokes were so lame! She has some of the best comedic writers in Hollywood- where were they last night?!

    Girlfriend looked like the low rent version of Pam Anderson for most of the night, and oddly enough I saw her on a 2007 Comedy Central show this week-end, and she looked 100X better than she does now- she actually did look to be in her early 30′s. Me thinks the hard partying has stomped all over her face in the last few years.

  2. Lisa Turtle says:

    awww I thought that bit with Linds was pretty good! She’s still got great comedic timing, for the first time in years I actually could see the glimmer of what she used to be.

  3. NayNay says:

    I thought that Lindsay was not that great. It was a waste of time, if you ask me. Does anyone else agree with me?

  4. aenflex says:

    Oh, I didn’t watch this program. But I see enough of Chelsea to understand that she certainly has a breed of humour than is not widely subscribed to. I’ve never thought she was that funny, but I always assumed I was the only one, since her career in comedy has just gotten better and better…

  5. Shelley says:

    Making jokes about drinking and being drunk is lame and tired enough. Nothing is stupider than drunk people who think they’re funny. Try gross,
    OK? But when LL jokes about this, it escalates into obscenity, because she’s driven while under the influence. And drunk/drugged driving kills.

    I assume LL’s simpering defender ‘Innocent’ will chime in here, and as always won’t address those three ugly little, very un-funny, words: drunk driving kills.

  6. geenie says:

    Sorry to admit it but Russell Brand is way funnier and a better host. Chelsea was not funny and her jokes were predictable flat and a big snooze.

  7. Zelda says:

    All I’ve seen of the show was the Lohan clip. And she was TERRIBLE. It was like she comes from the 1980′s-Degrassi school of acting

  8. Britney says:

    I didn’t find that opening act with Lindsay funny at all. Lindsay looks washed up and is a shell of her former self. I guess any acting gig is good for her at the moment though. The whole show was pretty lame. I love Chelsea but she was not very funny last night. It really did seem like she was high as a kite.

  9. Marie says:

    Well hell, another disappointing day the Lindsay headline isn’t “Lindsay overdoses.” I guess there is always tomorrow. Poor thing is only 24 and is looking about 54. Chelsea looks younger than Lindsay.

  10. kas says:

    Britney: That was what struck me-she looked awful. Whoever talked her into that particular shade of red/Strawberry blonde…bad choice.

    And making fun of being a drunk? Doesn’t she still have a court dates involving her stealing those peoples car? Not smart.

  11. Ruby Red Lips says:

    Sorry, but what was the point of Lindsay’s part????

    She still is a mess with issues and its laughable to say she’s turned her life around

    What a joke (and not in the funny way!)

  12. jamie says:

    LL looked so old and worn out!i thought chelsea was drunk too

  13. Tia C says:

    I don’t watch awards shows. They are tedious, boring and all look the same to me. So I didn’t watch last night, but I just watched that clip of Chelsea and Lindsay and it was lame. Lindsay’s acting style is to over-act – badly – and that certainly hasn’t changed. No clue what the significance of all the Chelsea butt-slapping was. Wasn’t that Lil Jon who was the first guy to smack Chelsea’s butt?

  14. Moreaces says:

    Sadly I was watching my Cowboys get beat by the Deadskins last night, so I missed, it,,

  15. a says:

    I hate to say it, but Lindsay was funny and is way sparkier with better timing than Chelsea. I hope she does have a comeback. She is a good actress.

  16. hellen says:

    That shot of her with the house on her head was appropriate: the lights are on but nobody’s home.

  17. serena says:

    Well, I hope she’ll recovers. maybe she will stop being a public crackhead (not that she won’t be so in private or in general) but if that’s a change I think it’s not so bad. She was pathetic but a bit funny and didn’t look too bad.

  18. mollination says:

    didn’t watch it because I can’t stand chelsea handler.

    but that lindsay bit was sad. she so wants to be taken seriously again that she’s just taken some half-hearted formulaic attempt at being self-referential and she thinks we’ll all automatically forget and move on. It doesn’t work like that Lindsay, and the fact that you think it does and that you can get out of it so easily AGAIN just proves you have had too many chances.

  19. Sumodo1 says:

    Lindsay looks like Uma Thurman in the clip. Not Uma in her 20s, Uma Thurman NOW.

  20. Innocent says:

    Hilarious but only because she actually is completely sober.
    Hopefully this appearance means she is serious about her sobriety like her lawyer said.Otherwise after November this video will be very embarassing.
    I am completely against DUI/DWI and think it is so selfish,reckless and irresponsible. How bad the outcome is just comes down to luck.

  21. lucy2 says:

    Ugh, Lindsay looks like death.
    That’s all I’ve watched of the show, but pretty lame, from what I can see.

  22. blanca11 says:

    Waaaay overacted on LL’s part!! She looks washed up…I’ve said it before: most of her ‘good acting’ has to do w/ her voice. She has a great voice & it makes her seem more talented than she is. That was terrible, her timing was terrible, and her botoxed face was expressionless. She’s done.

  23. buffalobill says:

    Lindsay looks and sounds horrible.

    Go away from the public eye for awhile, for God’s sake!

  24. gem says:

    I think no one watches award shows anymore because they are all contrived boring, lame filled with a whole bunch of people who only a handful knows.

    i cant think of the last time i saw an awards show that was halfway decent. Chelsea Handler, and all of the other comedy central rejects who are asked to host are always disappointing and unnecessary.

    These comments just further let me know no one watches the award shows as much as they used to because they’re filled w/ a bunch of overpaid under talented self centered douches.

    Especially every one has a blogger like CB or Dlisted take out the best of the worst parts or a DVR until they change, people are going 2 continue not to watch.

  25. bellaluna says:

    Ahhh, Innocent; thank you for chiming in…I knew you’d be here, claiming it was just for TV or something along those lines.