Heaven forbid a Lohan ever act with any dignity. “Patriarch” Michael Lohan admitted on Friday that Lindsay and company have a 13-year-old half sister. And I have to admit, I was pretty excited. It was some of the better Lohan drama I’d heard in a while. Michael made it sound like it was all pretty much a sure thing – and what better way to get some new press?

Well now that reality is kicking in – and by reality, I mean the possibility of having to pay some serious cash – Michael’s critical thinking skills are also kicking in. And he’s decided that the whole thing doesn’t quite add up – even though he’s had about seven years to do the math. Never let it be said the Lohans are anything but slow. But apparently the seven years to do some basic math has led Michael to the conclusion that it’s time to take a DNA test – which he did today. How very Maury Povich.

On Friday, the 48-year-old Lohan patriarch acknowledged having sexual relations on two occasions with Kristi Kauffman, a woman he met in Houston in the mid-’90s. He said he initially believed Kauffman’s claims that her daughter, Ashley, was his, but now Lohan says the math doesn’t make sense.

“We were together in July of ‘94. I think it was just before The Parent Trap came out because that’s when Dina and I were separated,” he tells E! News. “[Kristi] left me and went to Houston, Texas, and she met a guy she lived with there for a year.” According to his time line, Lohan says, Ashley, now 13, was born in June 1995—a difference of 11 months—which is why he ran out to get this test done right away.

“She had me so convinced. She had me snowballed,” he says, adding that he even communicated with the girl he believed was Lindsay’s secret sis by telephone, even helping her with her homework. Here I was sitting in jail going through a divorce, felt like I had no hope and then someone sends me a letter and says I have a baby. And I thought maybe this is what I’m supposed to do next,” he says.

[From E! News]

So at first I was thinking this story was pretty much about how anything with the last name Lohan isn’t bound to the basic rules of evolution, at least in terms of intellect. But it gets pretty seedy – it sounds like this poor girl’s mother is trying to pimp the whole situation to get some kind of acting career going for her daughter.

On Friday, Kauffman, a 44-year-old massage therapist, told E! News that Lohan promised “to do for Ashley what he did for Lindsay’s career, the whole thing,” but then had second thoughts.

“He was supposed to take a paternity test seven years ago , but he disappeared off the face of the earth,” she said. “I just want this to be resolved and the truth to be told.”

[From E! News]

Boy, none of this sounds fishy at all. I truly pray for this girl that Michael Lohan isn’t her father. Because the only thing worse than having a shady parent is having two of them. Oh, and being genetically linked to Lindsay Lohan. Nothing’s worse than that.

Here’s Michael Lohan and guests at the wrap party for his TV project ‘Wanna be me’ held at Ritual in L.A. on June 27th. Yes it’s normal to feel upset by these pictures. Images thanks to WENN/Fayes Vision.